Jokes. The good the bad and the ugly. [Archive]

Totem Polar

07-24-2016, 01:37 PM

Two days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor, Maine man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maine State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens asked, desperately.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and then we have some pretty great news... Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first..."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning divers found your wife's body in the bay. They pulled her out shortly after daylight."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Maine Lobsters that you have ever seen and 60 good-sized Rockfish clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

"Say," Mr. Wilkens started, brightening just a little, "That actually is some good news, I guess... If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again, same time tomorrow..."

Tabasco

07-24-2016, 02:07 PM

A man goes to his doctor and says:

Doc, when I fart, instead of the usual sound it goes "honda".

Doc says:

Clearly you have an abscess.

Man says:

How do you know?

Doc says:

"Abscess makes the fart go honda"

That should get me banned.

JDM

07-24-2016, 02:39 PM

How about cop jokes....as in the ones we tell?

How many cops does it take to throw a handcuffed prisoner down a flight of stairs?

None..........he fell.

That's the funniest thing I've ever read.

I'm dying.

hiro

07-24-2016, 02:43 PM

How do you titilate an ocelot?

You oscillate it's tit a lot!

I'll get my coat...

Bigghoss

07-24-2016, 04:46 PM

A door-to-door salesman knocks on the door to a home and a 12-year old kid answers. He's wearing his father's hat and robe and holding a glass of brandy and smoking a cigar. The salesman asks "hello, is your father home?" The boy responds "Does it fucking look like my father is home?"

A guy dies and goes to hell. He's very nervous about what he's in store for when The Devil walks up and says "Hey buddy, relax! Hell's not such a bad place. Do you like to gamble?"
Guy: "Yeah. I used to hit the casinos quite a bit."
Devil: "Well you are going to love Tuesdays, that's casino day. We set up craps tables, a roulette wheel, we have blackjack and poker. Whatever your game is, we got it."
Guy: "Well that sounds cool."
Devil: "It is. Do you like smoking?"
Guy: "Yeah, I really enjoyed cigars before I died."
Devil: "Well you'll like Wednsdays. Cigars, pipes, cigarettes, whatever. Smoke your lungs out all day. And you can't get cancer, because you're already dead!"
Guy: "this place doesn't sound so bad after all."
Devil: "Do you like to drink."
Guy: "Yeah. I used to get hammered every weekend."
devil: "Thursdays are your day then. Every kind of alcohol you could want. We just get wasted all day."
Guy: "Wow, this all sounds great. Hell is going to be awesome!"
Devil: "you're going to have a blast here, buddy. So, are you gay?"
Guy: "Fuck no! I'm all about the ladies!"
Devil: "Oh. You are going to HATE Fridays..."

Totem Polar

07-24-2016, 05:42 PM

Bigghoss

07-24-2016, 06:07 PM

This golf pro is flying on his way to a tourney. He has to check most of his gear, but he'll be darned if he's going to check his custom Titleist balls with his name on them, so the front pockets of his khakis are absolutely jammed full of golf balls. He boards his flight, and sits next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled young lady keeps looking over at his bulging, lumpy pockets. After many glances from her, he finally says, shrugging, "It's golf balls."

"Ah," says the lady. Nevertheless, she continues to look, thinking about what he has said.

Finally, not able to contain her curiosity any longer, she blurts, "I've got to ask, does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

That reminded me of three more.

So a guy comes home from 18 holes one afternoon and his wife asks how it went.
"Oh, it was terrible." Says the man "My buddy Fred had a heart attack and died on the 3rd hole."
"That's awful dear, I'm so sorry!" Says the wife.
The husband says "You're telling me. 15 holes of 'hit the ball, drag Fred. Hit the ball, drag Fred...' "

One Sunday morning a Pastor decides to skip church and go play golf instead and it turned out to be the best round he'd ever played. He had the course to himself and he was well under par. Up in heaven, St. Peter is watching all this unfold so he asks God "Are you really going to let this guy play the best game of his life after lying to his congregation about being sick?" God chuckles and asks "Who's he gonna brag about it to?"

And a blonde joke:
A guy gets in the elevator at work one morning and there's a blonde in it. She greets him with "T.G.I.F.". The man responds with "S.H.I.T.". The blonde is a little confused so thinking he didn't understand she repeats her greeting "T.G.I.F." and again his response is the same, "S.H.I.T.". The blonde, still thinking the man doesn't understand explains " T.G.I.F. You know, Thank God It's Friday..." The man responds with "Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."

Robert Mitchum

07-24-2016, 07:17 PM

Jokes in Washington
The bad and the very UGLY BITCH !

9378
9379
9380
9381

hufnagel

07-24-2016, 07:28 PM

Man walks into his favorite watering hole and saddles up to the bar.
As the bar keep pours him a brew, the man looks over and sees Donald Trump and Ted Cruz at a table in the back.
The man asks the bar keep and he confirms it's them.
He walks over and asks what they're doing there.
Trump says "We're planning World War 3."
The man asks "What are you going to do?"
Cruz replies "We're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The man exclaims "Why are you killing a blonde with big tits!?"
Trump replies "See? No one gives a shit about 140 million Muslims."

A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder.
He sits down and the monkey takes off, running around, swinging from everything, making a ruckus, takes a cue ball from the pool table and eats it.
The man, embarrassed, pays for his drink and the cue ball and leaves.
The next week the man comes back to the same bar with his monkey, sits and the monkey starts doing his thing.
Eventually he grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bar keep, disgusted by the display asks why the monkey did that.
The man replies "ever since the cue ball incident he measures everything now."

RevolverRob

07-24-2016, 08:39 PM

Did you guys hear about the Portland Dong Dangler? It's a serial vandal who ties dildos together and throws them over powerlines. Portland PD has put a couple of dicks on the case.

https://pistol-forum.com/showthread.php?21415-quot-Dong-dangler-quot-desecrates-Portland

Seriously...I couldn't WRITE a better joke than what real life has provided.

Paul D

07-24-2016, 08:55 PM

A guy and a girl have been dating for a while, and tonight's the night they are going to do it for the first time. The girl insists that they have to be very honest to each other about their bodies. She starts by saying that she is not busty as she appears and that she actually stuffs her bra. Now it was the guy's turn: he states that he is built like a baby below the belt. So they start taking off their clothes. The girl takes off her top and bra, and she is flat as board. The guy takes off his pants. The girls sees his junk and passes out. He wakes her up and the first thing she says is: "I thought you said you said you were built like a baby!" He replies: "I am. Eight pounds; 21 inches".

LostDuke

07-24-2016, 09:49 PM

Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome. One says breathlessly, "I've never come this way before!" to which the other replies, "It's the cobblestones."

johnson

07-24-2016, 10:34 PM

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

Josh Runkle

07-24-2016, 10:39 PM

johnson

07-24-2016, 10:41 PM

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

Josh Runkle

07-24-2016, 10:45 PM

A Paramedic arrives at a hospital and begins going over the patient's vital signs and procedures performed while handing over the patient to the Nurse.

The Nurse says to the patient, "Sir, did the Ambulance Driver bring your shoes with you"?

Confused, the Paramedic says, "Ma'am, I'm a Paramedic, not an 'Ambulance Driver'."

The Nurse replies, "Yeah, but, I mean, that's what you do, you drive ambulances, so...you're an Ambulance Driver."

The Paramedic says, "Yeah, well, I don't call you an Ass Wipe."

johnson

07-24-2016, 10:49 PM

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

johnson

07-24-2016, 10:57 PM

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50.

The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.

First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.

Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.

Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.

Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."

Totem Polar

07-25-2016, 01:04 AM

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp...

^^^ that is epic.

:D :D :D

HCountyGuy

07-25-2016, 01:40 AM

Two Alabama State Troopers are in pursuit of a suspect. As they cross into Georgia, the trooper driving the car stops and pulls off on to the side of the road. His partner starts yelling, "What are you doing? He's getting away!"

The driver looks at his partner and says, "We can't catch him now, he's an hour ahead of us."

45dotACP

07-25-2016, 02:09 AM

A man was admitted to the hospital and immediately became rude to the nurses and aides and ER docs. When he got to the floor, the nurses were aware of his behavior, and he did continue to curse, insult and berate hospital staff. The charge nurse is brought in to try to calm the guy down and he isn't having any of it. She sits down and informs him that they'll begin the admission process and need vital signs.
"I'm gonna need to take a rectal temperature, it's the most accurate." the nurse says without looking up from her clipboard.

after a great amount of argument, he finally consents and drops trou. The nurse puts the thermometer in his butt and tells him to stay still for five to ten minutes.
As he's waiting, he could swear he hears the sound of snickering in the hallway. As the time stretches on, he gets angry and demands that a nurse come in. The doctor happens to be rounding at that time and walks in to ask him how he's doing. As the doctor pulls open the curtain he begins laughing uncontrollably.

Angry and embarassed, he asks the doctor,
"What, have you never seen someone having a rectal thermometer taken? What kind of hospital is this..are you some sort of idiot?"
The doctor stops laughing long enough to gasp out
"No sir....it's not that....it's just....I've never seen it done with a carnation before."

BehindBlueI's

07-25-2016, 07:52 AM

Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky?

If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

ReverendMeat

07-25-2016, 02:58 PM

A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender goes, "what is this, a joke?"

BehindBlueI's

07-25-2016, 03:54 PM

A Hoosier and a Kentuckian are gigging frogs on their respective sides of the Ohio. The Kentuckian isn't finding any frogs, so he hollers over to the Hoosier, "You gettin' any frogs?" The Hoosier yells back, "Yeah, there's more than I can gig, come on over." The Kentuckian doesn't have a boat and yells back "I would, but the bridge is too far for me to walk and I ain't got a boat." The Hoosier, seeing an opening for a bit of fun, yells across "That's ok, I've got a flashlight. I'll turn the light on and shine it at you and you just walk across on the beam." The Kentuckian thinks about it for a minute then hollers back, "You ain't foolin' me none. I'll get half way across and you'll turn the damn light off."

okie john

07-25-2016, 04:25 PM

A baby polar bear walks up to his mother and asks her, "Am I 100% polar bear?"

She says, "Yes, of course. I'm 100% polar bear, your father is 100% polar bear, and you're 100% polar bear."

The baby polar bear shakes his head and walks away. A short time later, he asks his father, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"

His father says, "Yes, of course. I'm 100% polar bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, and you're 100% polar bear. Why do you ask?"

The baby polar bear says, "Because I'm freezing my ass off."

Okie John

flyrodr

07-25-2016, 05:17 PM

peterb

07-25-2016, 06:02 PM

peterb

07-25-2016, 06:02 PM

Two peanuts were walking down the street and one of them was a salted.

LostDuke

07-25-2016, 06:35 PM

Drang

07-25-2016, 06:38 PM

Two buddies had been out squirrel hunting and were headed back to their truck. There was a bit of discussion about the quickest way back.

One of them asked the other, “Do you know how you can always find your way out of the woods if you get lost?”

“How’s that?”, said the other.

“Well, you keep a pocket possum compass with you."

“A what?”

“A pocket possum compass - - - a baby possum.”

“Yeah . . .???”

“Sure. If you’re lost, you just take it out of your pocket, set it on the ground, and follow it. It’ll lead you straight to the nearest highway . . ."

"Always carry a tiny bottle of gin and a tiny bottle of vermouth. If you get lost, start making a martini."

"Well, I can see how that might make you feel better, but how does it help with being lost?"

"Because any time you make a martini somebody will show up and tell you you're doing it wrong."

"You take the deck of cards out of your pocket--you do have a deck of cards, right?--and sit own and start playing solitaire. Pretty soon someone will come along and tell you to play the red ten on the black Jack..."

Duces Tecum

07-25-2016, 07:59 PM

The stunning young wife could hardly wait until her husband got home. She put her best perfume by the sink, removed her clothes and stepped into the shower. A few minutes later her husband arrived, heard the water running and investigated. She looked at him in her customary way, slithered her soapy body against the glass and said, "I'll get out and you get in. Hurry!"

Just as she stepped out of the shower she heard the doorbell. Wrapping a towel around her torso, she went downstairs and looked through the peephole. It was John, their friend. She opened the door and saw John's jaw drop. Enjoying the harmless play, she coyly asked what he wanted.

After a moment John said, "I'll give you $400 just to let your towel drop to your waist."

She considers the offer, and slowly drops the towel, enjoying the look in John's eyes.

John: "I'll give you another $400 to let the towel drop to the floor."

Slowly, she let the towel drop and stood there, watching the perspiration begin to form on John"s forehead. She was going to get that new pair of shoes she'd been eyeing.

John handed over the $800 and, with a final look of appreciation, left. The stunning young wife went upstairs where her husband was just getting out of the shower. "Who was that at the door", he asked.

"John".

"Good", the husband replied, "did he say anything about that $800 he owes me?"

Bigghoss

07-25-2016, 10:41 PM

Two lawyers from the same firm are at a bank when it gets robbed. One of the robbers starts collecting wallets and valuables from the customers and tellers. Just before the robber gets to the two lawyers the first lawyer thrusts a crumpled piece of paper into the hand of the second. "What's this?" asks the second lawyer. "That's the $20 I owe you."

Casual Friday

07-25-2016, 11:15 PM

PF members with young daughters might be the only ones to get this one.

Why was the snow yellow?

Because Elsa let it go!

Paul D

07-25-2016, 11:27 PM

A kid took a job at a sex shop to help pay for school. One day the boss told him to mind the store while he was out for lunch. A brunette lady came in and asked him how much the pink dildo cost. He said $10. She paid it, took the dildo and left. Next, a redhead came in and asked how much the red dildo cost. He said $30. She paid it, took the dildo and left. Finally, a blonde came in and asked him how much the plaid dildo cost. He said $50. She paid it, took the dildo and left. The boss came back and asked: "how did you do while I was gone?" The kid said: "Great boss! I sold a brunette the pink dildo for $10, a redhead the red dildo for $30, and a blonde your thermos for $50!"

HCountyGuy

07-26-2016, 02:52 AM

A guy walks into a bar and sits at the counter. The bartender comes over, gets him his drink and walks away. A monkey comes out from behind the counter, grabs his drink and downs it, then runs off. The guy sits there in stunned disbelief, then calls the bartender over and tells him what happened.

"I'm sorry about that, I'll get you another drink," he says. He pours the guy a new glass and walks off. A few seconds later the monkey comes back, grabs the drink and downs it before running off again. The guy calls the bartender back again and explains the monkey just took his drink again. The bartender offers him another drink, to which he refuses.

"At this point I don't care about the drink. I just want to know what the deal is with the damned monkey." The bartender tells him he really doesn't know, but the guy should try asking the piano player. The patron then walks over to the piano player and asks, "Do you know about the monkey taking people's drinks?" The piano player says, "No, but if you hum a few bars I can play it for you."

-----------------------

What do you call someone who makes kitchen surfaces for a living?

Counter Productive.

Erik

07-26-2016, 10:58 AM

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer and a mop."

Glenn E. Meyer

07-26-2016, 11:29 AM

Three old guys die and go to Heaven. St. Peter looks at each and says to:

1. You have been a good man but not perfect, you can get into Heaven and you get a Kia Rio to drive.
2. You have been an excellent man but have some small sins, you get a Camry to drive.
3. You have been without sin and almost a saint, you get a Cadillac to drive.

The three say to each other - well, since we don't know anything about Heaven, let's meet in a week and discuss our experiences. Number 3 says - I'm going to drive my new car to find my beloved deceased with. She was a woman without sin!

A week later, they get together. Number 3 is crying. The others say - What's wrong? He says - Well, sniffle, sniffle - I went to my beloved, saintly wife's abode in Heaven and she came by - ON A SKATEBOARD!

BehindBlueI's

07-26-2016, 11:57 AM

So a Texan oilman decided to go on vacation to Australia. He rents a rural homestead to get the full "Outback Experience" and arranges for a driver to pick up up at the airport. As soon as the driver gets him to the limo, the Texan starts in. "THIS is a limo? Why, in Texas this wouldn't even be a good taxi cab. Limousines are bigger in Texas. EVERYTHING's bigger in Texas." The driver takes the comments in stride and begins taking the Texan to the homestead. As they are driving past a cattle ranch the Texan bursts out again, "What? Is that a RANCH? Well, that wouldn't even be a good 4-H project in Texas. And those are what you'd call cows? Why, are herd dogs are bigger than that. EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas." The driver is getting a bit irritated but lets it slide. They drive past a corn field and the Texan launches right back in to it. "Why, is that a FARM? That wouldn't even be a house wife's hobby garden back home. My flower bed is bigger than that. EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas." The driver's pretty tired of hearing about Texas by then, but holds his tongue. Just then a pack of kangaroos went bouncing full speed over the roadway in front of their car and were gone in a blur. The Texan opens his mouth, closes it, ponders for a bit, and then says "well...I reckon your grasshoppers are a bit bigger."

BehindBlueI's

07-26-2016, 11:59 AM

Why did the fat cannibal move out of the city?

He was fed up with people.

peterb

07-26-2016, 12:13 PM

RoyGBiv

07-26-2016, 12:54 PM

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the horse’s side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune ….. Dave, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

RoyGBiv

07-26-2016, 12:56 PM

There's a thin line between a numerator and denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

RoyGBiv

07-26-2016, 12:57 PM

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"

The other says, "I'm a big metal fan"

RoyGBiv

07-26-2016, 01:01 PM

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!!!

Dog Guy

07-26-2016, 01:32 PM

A guy goes out to visit his buddy who has a farm. While there, he sees a pig hobbling around with one wooden leg. He asks his buddy "What's up with the pig and the wooden leg?" His buddy says "That's no ordinary pig. The farm house caught fire a few weeks back. The pig smelled the smoke, broke down the front door, woke me and the wife up so we could escape with our lives, and then dragged the phone out so we could call the fire department. He probably saved the whole farm!"
"Well, yeah, that's amazing" says the visitor. "But it still doesn't explain the wooden leg."
Says the farmer : "A pig that good, you don't eat all at once."

RoyGBiv

07-26-2016, 02:13 PM

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty
lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest
in all the activity going on next door and spend much of each day
observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough,
more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted
with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with
a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the
appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two
dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a
savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed and asked
the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such
a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week
with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be
working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those lumberyard assholes ever deliver
the fucking sheet rock."

Totem Polar

07-26-2016, 02:16 PM

Grandpa jokes; NSFW:

A little boy was sitting on a park bench eating candy bar after candy bar. A man sat down beside him and said, "You know you really shouldn't eat all those candy bars. They're bad for you."The little boy said, "My great grandpa lived to be 103". The man said, "Did he eat loads of candy bars?". The little boy said "No, he just minded his own fucking business".

One day, Bob took his 4 year old grandson to the mall. As luck would have it, they got separated. The scared little boy found a police officer and told him that he had lost his grandpa. "What's he like?" the cop asked. The little boy thought for a second, and responded: "Young girls with low self esteem and big boobs!"

RoyGBiv

07-26-2016, 02:16 PM

A reporter goes to this remote village to report on the two brothers who herd sheep in the high mountians. They rarely see people.

The reporter asks them about their daily chores and how they came to be sheep herders etc etc. After the repoter finishes interviewing the brothers who tend to the 150 or so sheep he had one question, off the record, he posed to the men.

The reporter than asks....

What do you do for pleasure here? There are never any women around.

The brothers replied, we just pick out a sheep from time to time and we make love to it. It's not really that bad at all. We do it all the time.

Then the brothers said to the reporter. Go ahead. Run out there and have your way with one. KNow one will ever know and there is nobody but us here to see.

Well the reporter goes out there and picks out a sheep and starts making love to it. When he is finished he starts walking back to the brothers.

They are rolling on the grass laughing at the reporter.

The reporter is 4 shades of red of embarrassment.

Why are you both laughing at me.

The brothers both said in unison, " You picked the ugliest one!"

RoyGBiv

07-26-2016, 02:19 PM

Husband:My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?

Husband:Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air
conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and
"Bubba" floor mats. Trail-ring package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver,
23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has
custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting....

At this point the husband started choking up.. .

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck

Totem Polar

07-26-2016, 02:26 PM

Why did the fat cannibal move out of the city?

He was fed up with people.

Two cannibals are sitting around the fire eating dinner. After a period of time, one breaks the silence with "Y'know, I've decided that I really don't like my mother-in-law."

The other one responds: "So have more potatoes..."

BehindBlueI's

07-26-2016, 02:36 PM

A group of tourists, one from Poland, one from Czechoslovakia, and one from Russia visit Alaska to do some hiking. As they were hiking they disturbed a pair of mating grizzly bears. The bears were extremely aggressive and chased after the poor hikers. Only the Russian escaped to report the attack to a Ranger. The Rangers locate and kill the female bear, and they locate the remains of the Pole in her digestive tract. The other bear was never located. Upon repeated inquiries about the missing 3rd hiker, the Rangers would only say that the Czech was in the male.

Robinson

07-26-2016, 03:09 PM

the Czech was in the male.

Good god man.

Andy in NH

07-26-2016, 03:33 PM

There's a thin line between a numerator and denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

The remainder will laugh out of courtesy.

Bigghoss

07-26-2016, 03:40 PM

Two cannibals are eating a clown. The first one asks the second "Does this taste funny to you?"

Bigghoss

07-26-2016, 03:42 PM

The National Park Rangers are advising hikers in Glacier National Park and other Rocky Mountain parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.
They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows bears to hear them coming from a distance and not be startled by a hiker accidentally sneaking up on them. This might cause a bear to charge.
Visitors should also carry a pepper spray can just in case a bear is encountered. Spraying the pepper into the air will irritate the bear's sensitive nose and it will run away.
It is also a good idea to keep an eye out for fresh bear scat so you have an idea if bears are in the area. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat.
Black bear droppings are smaller and often contain berries, leaves, and possibly bits of fur. Grizzly bear droppings tend to contain small bells and smell of pepper.

NickA

07-26-2016, 04:44 PM

An Englishman, an Irishman, and Scottish man are drinking in a bar.

A fly lands in the Englishman's pint.* The Englishman is incensed, and pushes his beer away and orders another.

A fly lands in the Scottish man's pint.* The Scottish man looks at the fly, shrugs,* and just drinks the fly down.

A fly lands in the Irishman's pint.* The Irishman is furious.* He picks out the fly, and violently shakes the fly over his pint glass while screaming, "Spit it out ya wee bastard!"

Bigghoss

07-26-2016, 05:17 PM

A man walks into a bar and orders three pints. The bartender pours the pints and the man arranges them spread out in a line spread out and begins sipping from each one. The bartended asks the man why he doesn't just order one at a time and the man explains that he has two brothers in different parts of the world and right now they are in bars doing exactly the same thing and they do this regularly as their way of having a beer together despite the distance. Once a week the man comes back and repeats the whole thing until one day he comes in and only orders two pints. The bartender, assuming that one of the brothers has died, serves the drinks and offers condolences as the man sips from the two beers. The man says "Oh, neither of my brothers died. I just quit drinking."

flyrodr

07-26-2016, 06:04 PM

9423

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled,
"I have a 45-caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber, and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo!”

Andy in NH

07-26-2016, 07:59 PM

Two cannibals are eating a clown. The first one asks the second "Does this taste funny to you?"

Second one says, "No, but I'm having a ball!"

First one says, "Then you are eating too fast!"

LockedBreech

07-26-2016, 10:50 PM

Paul D

07-26-2016, 11:27 PM

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs and a 12 inch penis? Partially disabled.

NEPAKevin

07-26-2016, 11:43 PM

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Dam.

MistWolf

07-27-2016, 12:57 AM

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs when you throw him in the swimming pool?

Bob

What do you call him when you set him in front of the door?

Mat

How about when you stuff him in a mail box?

Bill

HCountyGuy

07-27-2016, 12:59 AM

Two Russians visit an African village to negotiate for mining permissions. During the course of their stay, they introduce the village elders to the game of Russian Roulette. So they play a round, and naturally one village elder shoots and kills himself. A month later they come back and one of the village elders says they've made their own variation of the game. He calls in six young women and says to the Russians, "Pick one woman to give you oral sex." The Russians give him a puzzled look and ask what the danger is. The elder replies, "One of them is a cannibal."

MistWolf

07-27-2016, 01:04 AM

What do you call a blind buck?

No eyed deer

What do you call a blind buck after wandering out on a Texas road?

Still no eyed deer

What do you call a blind buck three days after wandering out on a Texas road?

Still stinking no eyed deer

Totem Polar

07-27-2016, 01:15 AM

Joe in PNG

07-27-2016, 05:40 AM

Hang him on the wall, and he's Art.

Throw him in a pile of leaves, and he's Russell.

Stick him in a hole, and he's Phil.

Bigghoss

07-27-2016, 07:19 AM

A man is walking along a beach and he sees a woman with no arms and no legs crying. "Excuse me but what's the matter?" he asks. The limbless woman replies "well, I've got no arms, no legs, and I've never been kissed." The man leans down and plants one on her and says "there, now you've been kissed." This cheers the woman up and the man continues walking. A while later he is walking back and again sees the same woman crying again. He stops and asks "what's the matter?" She says "well, I've got no arms, no legs, and I'm a virgin." The man picks up the woman and throws her in the ocean and yells "there. Now you're fucked!"

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter, he's not going to come to you anyway.

Where do you look for a dog with an legs?

Right where you left him.

Fly320s

07-27-2016, 07:59 AM

VW.45

07-27-2016, 08:02 AM

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs and a 12 inch penis? Partially disabled.

I would have guessed "Kickstand"?

VW.45

07-27-2016, 08:04 AM

I have a bunch of VERY NSFW jokes, non racist. Thought I'd get preapproval first though.

BehindBlueI's

07-27-2016, 08:42 AM

Grandpappy is sitting on the porch watching Junior rummage around in the shed. Junior comes out with a box of something or other.
Grandpappy: Boy, what you got in that box?
Junior: Chicken wire.
Grandpappy: What are you gonna do with it?
Junior: Gonna head into the woods.....Gonna catch me some chickens.
Grandpappy: Boy...you got your brains from your momma's side of the family, that ain't what chicken wire is for.
Junior shrugs, wanders off, and a few hours later comes back with a flock of chickens that he releases into their hen house.

The next day Grandpappy's back on the porch and Junior's rummaging around in a drawer in the kitchen. Junior comes out with another box.
Grandpappy: Boy, what you got in the box?
Junior: Duck tape.
Grandpappy: What are you doing with duck tape?
Junior: Gonna head down to the lake...gonna catch some ducks.
Grandpappy: Boy, look, I'll give you the chicken wire thing worked but even a body as thick headed as you ought to know duck tape ain't for catching ducks.
A few hours later Junior come back with a big flock of ducks and releases them into the farm pond.

The next day Grandpappy's sitting on the porch and Junior' cutting some small branches off a tree, stuffing them in a box.
Grandpappy: Boy, what you got in the box?
Junior: Pussy willow.
Grandpappy: What are you going to do with Pussy willow?
Junior: Gonna head into town...gonna
Grandpappy cuts him: Hold on, I'll grab my hat.

VW.45

07-27-2016, 08:52 AM

A priest sees a little boy sitting on the steps playing with his truck and cursing. He decides we try to teach the little boy something better to do with his time. The priest says to the little boy, you know if you rub holy water on a pregnant woman's belly she'll pass a baby boy. Little boy says that ain't nothin, rub a little turpentine on a corn cob and jamming up a cat's ass, and it'll pass a motorcycle!

VW.45

07-27-2016, 09:00 AM

A disclaimer first. Remember these are jokes, not a way of life! I'll go with the mantra of "It's easier to get forgiven, than permission" :p

What's the difference between a bull and a bull dyke?

5 pounds and a flannel shirt.

Why do gay men prefer ribbed condoms?

Gives them more traction in the mud.

What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer?

A freezer doesn't fart when you pull meat out of it.

RoyGBiv

07-28-2016, 11:29 AM

On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?” So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.” The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?” And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?” And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.” But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

RoyGBiv

07-28-2016, 11:32 AM

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are captured by ISIS. The appointed Jihadi executioner approaches them and says " I''m not a barbarian, so before I kill you, it it is at all possible to grant a final request, I will do so"

He then says to the Irishman, "do you have a final request?"

"Yes" The Irishman says " I would like to hear a massed Irish choir sing the beautiful ballad 'Danny Boy"

"Ok" says the Jihadi, and then to the Scotsman "do you have a final request?"

"Yes" The Scotsman says "I would like to hear the pipers of the Scots Guards play the beautiful tune 'Rose of Scotland"

"Ok" says the Jihadi, and then to the Englishman "do you have a final request?"

"Yes" The Englishman says "kill me first".

Lex Luthier

07-28-2016, 01:18 PM

An Italian, a Frenchman and a Russian find an old bottle on the beach. They remove the stopper, and a genie flies out. He’s so grateful to be free that he offers each of them one wish.
The Italian wishes for an enormous amount of money, a villa in the best district in Florence, cars, a healthy big family, and everything that goes along with a very luxurious lifestyle. POOF! The genie gives it to him.
The Frenchman’s wish is similar to the Italian’s. He wants a villa on the Mediterranean, lots of money, luxuries and women. POOF! He gets it.

The Russian thinks for a minute. He tells the genie, “My neighbor back home has a goat, and I don’t have one. I wish you would kill my neighbor's goat!”

Q: What is the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play the Highland Bagpipes, but refrains from doing so.

Wondering Beard

07-28-2016, 02:11 PM

A
Q: What is the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play the Highland Bagpipes, but refrains from doing so.

According to Churchill, a gentleman is one who is only rude on purpose.

Dr_Thanatos

07-28-2016, 02:40 PM

I went out to dinner with a friend of mine who is also a physician. When the check came, he graciously offered to pick it up, and I graciously let him. He reached into his pocket to sign the check, and pulled out a rectal thermometer. He looked down at it, sighed, and said "Some asshole's got my pen."

JTQ

07-28-2016, 02:51 PM

Most of you, I assume, are familiar with the deep rivalry between the University of Florida Gators and the Florida State Seminoles as it plays out each fall on the football field. However, most don't know the rivalry goes beyond simply football.

In the 1960's, scientists at the University of Florida and at Florida State University were in competition to be the first to develop and market a performance enhancing sports drinks to aide their players while they competed in the heat and humidity of the Florida weather. I'm sure everybody by now is aware of the popular sports drink Gatorade, developed by the University of Florida. What you probably don't know is that Florida State University scientists actually developed a superior product at about the same time, but which was marketed a little less successfully. The Florida State scientists named their product Seminolefluid. Nobody's sure why the product never sold.

Totem Polar

07-28-2016, 03:19 PM

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs and a 12 inch penis? Partially disabled.

Lonely, sex-starved lady puts an explicit ad in the personals of craigslist, detailing all the ways she wants to be ravaged. Time comes when the doorbell rings, she opens the door, and for a split second, thinks she's been doorbell ditched until she looks down and sees our guy with no arms and legs just lying there on the front step.

"Uh... can I help you?" She asks

"I'm here about your Craigslist ad" comes the reply.

"Oh wow," starts the lady, "I'm not trying to offend, but if you read the ad, then you know I'm looking for something in particular, and I don't really see..."

"Relax lady," interrupts our guy "I rang the doorbell, didn't I...?"

Stephanie B

07-28-2016, 03:34 PM

A Texan is touring farms in Israel. He was looking over a orange grove and asked the farmer how big his farm was.

The farmer said: "Well, you see that fence to the right? It goes until it meets that stream over there, then along the stream to that other fence over there and then back to the road."

The Texan said: "Let me tell you, when I get up in the morning, I can get into my truck and drive and by sundown, I'm not even half of the way to the edge of my ranch."

The farmer nodded, sighed and said: "Oy, I used to have a truck like that, too."

Bigghoss

07-28-2016, 03:51 PM

Three men are out hunting and unknowingly cross over into sacred native American territory. They are caught and brought before the chief and plead that they were unaware of their trespassing and meant no harm but the chief says they must die anyway. "You will each commit suicide, but we will let you choose how to do it." the chief tells them. The first hunter says he wishes to shoot himself so they hand him a gun with a single bullet. With a sigh he puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger and falls dead. Then several members of the tribe skin his body to make a canoe. The other two are appalled but there's nothing they can do. The second hunter decided he wants to slit his wrists so he's gives a knife. He slices open his veins and he bleeds out and, like the first man, he's skinned and made into a canoe. The third man says he wants to die by fork. Everyone is a little confused but they bring him a fork anyway. The man proceeds to stab himself all over his body while screaming "TRY TO MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS!!!"

Bigghoss

07-28-2016, 03:59 PM

A man walks into a bar with three ducks. He sets the ducks on the bar and asks the bartender to watch them while he goes to the bathroom. The man leaves and the bartender turns to the first duck and says "So what's you name?" The duck says "My name's Tom." "Hi Tom, how's your day?" says the bartender. Tom the duck replies "I'm having a pretty good day. I've been in and out of puddles all day long." "Sounds great, Tom" says the bartender and turns to the second duck and asks "So what's your name?" Teh second duck replies "I'm Dick". "Hi Dick. How's your day?" Dick the duck says "My day is going great. I've been in and out of puddles all day long." The bartenders says "Well that sounds like fun." He turns to the final duck and says "They're Tom and Dick so you must be Harry." The last duck snaps back "No! My name's Puddles and don't even ask about my fucking day!"

RoyGBiv

07-28-2016, 10:28 PM

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”

The Harley rider replies, “Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, “Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I’m voting for Trump."

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH”

johnson

07-28-2016, 11:00 PM

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams. Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.

Bigghoss

07-28-2016, 11:32 PM

Three nuns die and are outside the pearly gates. Saint Peter comes up and says "I've got some bad news. Heaven is getting kinda crowded so in order to get in you'll each have to answer one question. But they should be easy for you three. And just to make it more fun, we've added flashing lights and bells like a gameshow." He asks the first nun "Who was the first man on earth?" "Easy." Says the nun "Adam was the first man." The lights flash, the bells ring and Saint Peter says "Correct! Congratulations, you may enter." He then turns to the second nun and asks "who was the first woman on earth?" "Well that would be Eve." Answers the nun. The lights flash and the bells ring and she gets to go into heaven. Saint Peter turns to the third nun and asks "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun is thinking hard and says "Gee, that's a hard one." And the lights flash and the bells ring...

HCountyGuy

08-03-2016, 02:46 AM

Why do habitual offenders drive old police cars? They must like how it feels riding around in one.

5pins

08-03-2016, 06:30 PM

Here's a bad joke I've known since I was a kid.

How do you get out of an elephants stomach?

You run and run and run until you're all pooped out.

BehindBlueI's

08-03-2016, 07:11 PM

A tourist is walking along and comes across an elderly Indian man laying on the road with his ear to the pavement. The tourist approaches and hears the Indian say, "Volvo station wagon...yellow...going north...traveling about 45mph...brown suitcase tied to luggage rack...medium sized black dog in the back."

The tourist is amazed and says "That's amazing, you can tell all that just by listening to the pavement?"

The Indian groans and says "Who the hell listens to pavement? That car hit me!"

Stephanie B

08-03-2016, 08:04 PM

The Pope died and he went to Heaven. He was greeted at the Gates by St. Peter, who turned him over to a junior angel for orientation. The angel took the Pope to an apartment block and showed him his new quarters. It was a fairly spartan efficiency, with a narrow (but comfy) bed, a desk, a couple of chairs, a bookcase and a old tube TV. The angel then showed the Pope other things, such as the mess hall, the library, and told him to stroll around and feel at at home.

So the Pope did. He walked around and soon came upon a restaurant. A man came out, smoking a huge Cuban cigar and with a voluptuous woman on each arm. The man and the women got into a huge limo and were driven off.

Curious, the Pope followed the car. Not far outside of the built-up area, there was a hill with a palatial mansion at the top of the hill. The base of the hill was surrounded by a high fence. The limo passed through a gate, which closed behind it.

The Pope walked up to the gate. There was a guard, standing post in front of the gate. The Pope went up to the guard, a Marine in dress blues, and asked: "May I go in?"

The Marine said: "No."

The Pope asked: "Who resides in that house?"

The Marine said: "A former Speaker of the New York State Assembly. Go on yer way, Bub."

The Pope was incensed and ran back to the Pearly Gates. He grabbed St. Peter and began berating him. "I was the Pope. I served my entire life, since I was ten, in the service of Holy Mother Church and our Lord, Jesus Christ. I brought peace to war-torn lands and salvation to millions. And for that, I get a bare-bones apartment while some guy from the NY Assembly gets a mansion and a limo? And beautiful women! Where's the justice in that?"

St. Peter looked at him, shook his head, and said: "Look, mac, we got a lot of popes here. Your apartment building is full of them. Popes are a dime a dozen.

"But we only got one Speaker of the New York State Assembly."

Totem Polar

08-03-2016, 08:40 PM

We shall see if guys like Darryl and Craig find this as funny as I do:

A Priest, a doctor, and a bodyguard doing private security work for a celebrity die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates, St Peter is there to interview them.

"And how did you spend your days on earth?" he asks the priest. "I was a priest," starts the cleric "I gave my life in service to the vulnerable, and the needy and our Lord..."
"No prob, father" interrupts St Peter "You had me at 'priest', we're good." WAHHH comes this angelic, apple/mac start up sound, and the gates open and, poof: there goes the Priest.

"And how did you spend your days on earth?" he asks the doc. "I was an ER doctor," starts the doc "I dedicated my life to the sick, and saving lives..."
"Oyea," replies St Peter "Say no more; we love–at least the good ones–docs here. Off you go..." WAHHH: gates swing open, flash of light; the doc is gone.

"And how did you spend your days on earth?" he asks the retired cop/bodyguard/celeb security contractor "I was most recently a contractor doing protection detail work for a Hollywood Celeb," starts our guy "No sweat, bro" interrupts St. Peter "You can enter around back, past the cloud wall, in the alley, go through the kitchen, up the service elevator..."

BehindBlueI's

08-05-2016, 07:28 PM

If nothing is faster than light, how did the dark get their first?

johnson

08-05-2016, 11:04 PM

Their first what?

johnson

08-05-2016, 11:08 PM

What's the worst icebreaker you know of?

The Titanic.

Glenn E. Meyer

08-08-2016, 12:59 PM

A sniper is training on the range. He needs to make a precision hostage rescue shot. He is very nervous about the qualification.

1. First shoot - boom, the hostage is dead. OH, Obscenity about mother-sex comes from the mouth of the sniper. The instructor cautions him to be less foul mouth. Try again.

2. Boom, the hostage on the other side - right in the head. %_$_%$##)(@)@. You stop that, make the shot and drop your foul mouth. The sniper says - I will make this shot or may God strike me down.

3. Boom, the little kid at the foot of the bad guy takes it in the head. SOB, MF'ker - leaps from the mouth of the sniper.

The sky darkens and BOOM a bolt of lightning races down and INCINERATES the instructor. When all recover from the shock, they hear a heavenly voice like a million trumpets.

SON OF A BITCH. Mother f*****!

23JAZ

08-08-2016, 01:34 PM

Must be freezing in his office.
9746

RoyGBiv

08-08-2016, 03:19 PM

Wrong thread! :o

RoyGBiv

08-08-2016, 03:19 PM

oops!

Totem Polar

08-10-2016, 04:03 PM

hufnagel's smurf/politics thread reminded me of this old-school political gem:

Q: Did you hear what Kenneth Starr found in the pocket of Monica's blue dress?

A: A wad of Bill's....

boing

08-10-2016, 04:44 PM

Nerds time.

The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here."
A time traveller walks into a bar.

A neutrino walks into a bar. Bartender says we don't serve neutrinos here. Neutrino says 'I'm just passing through!'

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "how much for a drink?" The bar tender replies, "for you, no charge."

An atom walks into a bar. The bartender says "What's wrong?" The atom says "I think I just lost an electron." The bartender says "Are you positive?"

Glenn E. Meyer

08-14-2016, 11:59 AM

The story was told that an old SAC sergeant passed on and (of course, being from SAC) was admitted promptly to Heaven. The Archangel Gabriel was showing the new arrival around, and the SAC man was surprised to find that inside the Pearly Gates was an installation that looked exactly like a SAC base.

Suddenly the alert siren went off and out of the ready room, heading for the flight line, stormed a rumpled figure in Air Force blue, chomping at a fat cigar.

"I didn't know that General LeMay had died and come to Heaven", the astonished sergeant said.

"Oh, that is not Curt LeMay," the Archangel replied with a sigh. "That is Jesus Christ - He just thinks He is Curt LeMay."

---------- Credit to James K on TFL - where I saw this.

Duces Tecum

08-14-2016, 04:00 PM

SIDEBAR: Thing is, I was raised in a SAC household during Gen LeMay's time. From what I remember, this is less a joke and more a documentary.

RoyGBiv

08-25-2016, 09:01 AM

Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to NY other to California.
Every ten years they agree to meet in Chicago and play golf.

They finish their round at age 30 and go to lunch.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts. The legs…”
“OK.”

Ten years later at 40 they play.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.”
“OK.”

Ten years later at 50
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“The food is good and there is plenty of parking.”
”OK.”

At 60
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Wings are half price.”
“OK”

At 70
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.”
“OK.”

At 80
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“We’ve never been there before.”

RoyGBiv

08-25-2016, 09:05 AM

Tom's Scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband,

Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating

and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the

congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold

me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors

performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants

of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible

surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors

say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

MistWolf

08-25-2016, 09:21 PM

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter, he's not going to come to you anyway.

Where do you look for a dog with an legs?

Right where you left him.

You know what you do with a dog with no legs?

Take'm out for a drag

JFK

08-26-2016, 08:35 PM

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulbs?

It's a really esoteric number, you've probably never heard of it.

Totem Polar

08-26-2016, 09:01 PM

How'd the hipster burn the roof of his mouth (on the way to saving civilization)?

He ate his artisanal pizza before it was cool...

How do you suffocate a hipster?

Drown him in the mainstream.

JFK

08-26-2016, 09:08 PM

How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Who gives a s*it, let them cry in the dark!

Greg

08-26-2016, 09:09 PM

Q. Why did the leper stop going to parties?

A. He got sick of everyone using the back of his head for bean dip.

Q. What do you call a leper in a hot tub?

A. Stew

Here is the best joke a 5 year old kid has ever told me

Q. Why do women wear perfume and makeup?

A Because they're ugly and they stink. :cool:

5pins

08-27-2016, 05:27 AM

A duck goes into a bar and asks the bartender.
“Do you have any bred”?
“No says the bartender”.
“Do you have any bred”?
“No”.
“Do you have any bred”?
“No”.
“Do you have any bred”?
“No, and if you ask again I’m going to nail your beak down to the bar”!
“Do you have any nails”? Asks the duck.
“No" responds the bartender.
“Do you have any bred”?

FNFAN

08-27-2016, 07:57 AM

What did the Buddhist ask the New York City hotdog cart vendor?
.

.

.

Why... to make him One With Everything of course!

:o

5pins

08-27-2016, 09:37 AM

Lex Luthier

08-27-2016, 09:53 AM

What did the Buddhist ask the New York City hotdog cart vendor?
.

.

.

Why... to make him One With Everything of course!

:o

And the buddhist pays for it with a $20 dollar bill, which the hot dog vendor pockets. When the buddhist asks for his change, the vendor smiles and says

"Change comes from within!"

(ducks and scurries off)

MistWolf

08-27-2016, 10:05 AM

And the buddhist pays for it with a $20 dollar bill, which the hot dog vendor pockets. When the buddhist asks for his change, the vendor smiles and says

"Change comes from within!"

(duck scurries off with the bred)

More like waddles, actually

PS- with the proper preparation of the surfaces, yes, you can glue glue to glue

Totem Polar

08-27-2016, 10:28 AM

Bread you dumb ass bread. No more posting at 4:30 in the morning.

Maybe that's how duks spel bred.

HCountyGuy

08-28-2016, 09:16 AM

What color were the suicide bomber's eyes?

Blue.

One blew over there, one blew that way!

RoyGBiv

08-29-2016, 11:05 AM

If The Shining was a RomCom, this would be the trailer.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eW1scLlKLMQ

P30

08-29-2016, 01:04 PM

What did the Buddhist ask the New York City hotdog cart vendor?
.

.

.

Why... to make him One With Everything of course!

:o

Dalai Lama version (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlIrI80og8c)

johnson

08-29-2016, 05:23 PM

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

RoyGBiv

09-09-2016, 03:01 PM

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

"I'd like to be eight again", she replied, still looking in the mirror ..

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Puffs and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you @*#*! retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong!

SAWBONES

09-09-2016, 05:15 PM

I recognize some commonality of membership at pistol-forum and Adventure Rider! :p

RoyGBiv

09-11-2016, 08:58 AM

How Politics works

I told my son, You will marry the girl I choose.
He said, NO!
I told him, She is Bill Gates daughter.
He said, OK.

I called Bill Gates and said, I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates said, NO.
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.
Bill Gates said, OK.

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, NO.
I told him, My son is Bill Gates son-in-law.
He said, OK.

This is exactly how politics works.

Stephanie B

09-12-2016, 02:01 PM

Six blondes came into a bar and ordered drinks. They raised the drinks and toasted: "Thirteen weeks!" After they took a swallow, they chanted: "Thirteen weeks! Thirteen weeks!" They high-fived each other, then ordered another round. This went on for awhile.

The bartender, when he served the fourth round, asked: "What's with the 'thirteen weeks' bit?"

One of the blondes said, proudly: "We finished a crossword puzzle in thirteen weeks," and her friend started chanting: "Thirteen weeks! Thirteen weeks!"

The bartender asked: "So what's the big deal about that?"

The response: "The box said '4 to 6 years'!"

LOKNLOD

09-12-2016, 03:37 PM

One of the blondes said, proudly: "We finished a crossword puzzle in thirteen weeks," and her friend started chanting: "Thirteen weeks! Thirteen weeks!"

The bartender asked: "So what's the big deal about that?"

The response: "The box said '4 to 6 years'!"

Jigsaw puzzles come in boxes with age ratings, not crossword puzzles :P

Josh Runkle

09-12-2016, 04:34 PM

Jigsaw puzzles come in boxes with age ratings, not crossword puzzles :P

Duh, 13 weeks later, they took all of the puzzle pieces and spelled words out of the shapes.

Wondering Beard

09-12-2016, 05:05 PM

Jigsaw puzzles come in boxes with age ratings, not crossword puzzles :P

That is part of the joke

johnson

09-24-2016, 07:04 PM

In class the teacher asks Timmy "There are five birds perched on a branch. The hunter shoots one. How many are left?"

Timmy: "None madam."

Teacher: "No. Listen. Five birds on a branch, the hunter shoots one...How many are left?"

Timmy: "None madam. The others got scared and flew away."

Teacher: "It's not the correct answer but I like how you think."

The next day Timmy walks to his teacher and asks:

Timmy: "There are three women sitting on a bench, each eating an ice cream cone. One is licking it, one is biting it and one is sucking it. Which one is married?"

The teacher is a little uncomfortable so does not answer right away but pretends to hesitate and says: "The one who...sucks it?"

Timmy: "No. It's the one wearing a wedding band but I like how you think." ;)

johnson

09-24-2016, 07:05 PM

Why did the woman work all day and all night?

Crippling debt.

5pins

09-25-2016, 06:39 AM

A man is shopping in a grocery store when a woman comes up to him and says"you're the father of one of my children".

The man asked her "are you the stripper that I bang at my friends bachelor party on the pool table while my friends were cheering me on and your partner was slapping my ass with celery"?

The woman said "no, I'm your son's teacher".

johnson

09-29-2016, 10:20 PM

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

Drang

10-03-2016, 11:32 PM

Niche Humor:
Why did the INTJ cross the road?

Answer 1: The show that stupid chicken there was a more efficient way to do it.

Answer 2: To get away from those Goddamned Extroverts!

luckyman

10-04-2016, 10:20 AM

Niche Humor:
Why did the INTJ cross the road?

Answer 1: The show that stupid chicken there was a more efficient way to do it.

Answer 2: To get away from those Goddamned Extroverts!

At last! Someone finally understands me!

scjbash

10-04-2016, 01:08 PM

At last! Someone finally understands me!

Ditto. My better half(psych degree) says that for good and bad I'm the textbook example of an INTJ. I say I just hate stupidity. She's an INFP. Sometimes we complement each other, sometimes it's oil and water.

luckyman

10-04-2016, 04:19 PM

Ditto. My better half(psych degree) says that for good and bad I'm the textbook example of an INTJ. I say I just hate stupidity. She's an INFP. Sometimes we complement each other, sometimes it's oil and water.

I fully admit to counting the steps of the two different ways to get from my office to the lobby. 87 vs 94 I think. Not that I keep track of that sort of thing ....

johnson

10-05-2016, 10:22 PM

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me. It means a lot.

johnson

10-05-2016, 10:28 PM

Why do riot police like to get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

Arbninftry

10-05-2016, 10:44 PM

If you are ever attacked by a mob of clowns!!

You better go for the Juggler!

RoyGBiv

10-24-2016, 07:55 AM

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/d5/82/81/d582810ed0e6c2ccf4e47ce077db5f42.jpg

RoyGBiv

10-26-2016, 09:55 AM

http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/475/845/516.png

BaiHu

10-26-2016, 10:06 AM

http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/475/845/516.png
Awesome!

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

Wondering Beard

10-26-2016, 11:35 AM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EOlJH62gks

RoyGBiv

10-26-2016, 12:06 PM

Awesome!

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

I LOL'd when I found it... ;-)

hufnagel

10-26-2016, 12:17 PM

http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/475/845/516.png

http://i.imgur.com/dhMeAzK.gif

JAD

10-26-2016, 12:38 PM

YF clip

I go there every time I hear his name. I also can't hear the word 'footsteps' without thinking of Kenneth Mars.

Lex Luthier

10-26-2016, 01:27 PM

Found on my FB feed...

11321

TR675

10-26-2016, 01:50 PM

Anyone post Norm MacDonald's Moth Joke yet?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eE6QzDrT_x8

wrmettler

10-26-2016, 03:09 PM

Great bar lawyer joke. Needs a few beers and a lot of finger wagging.

Barney was a NYC lawyer who had a broad range of clients, mostly the civil commercial kind. But, he did represent a local mob guy, Don Tom. Barney also had a brother, Jake who Barney loved and raised from a small child. Jake was disabled, being both deaf and mute. Barney and Jake only communicated in sign language.

After supporting Jake pretty much all this life and paying his way through college with a CPA’s degree, Jake did nothing but lay around the house, and refused to work. Barney finally lost his patience. He told Jake that he needed to find a job (using sign language) and stop mooching off him. Jake didn’t cooperate.

So, Barney called Don Tom and asked if the Don could find Jake a job. A couple of weeks later, the Don called to say Jake could work in his bookkeeping department, as the “guys” could talk around him and Jake couldn’t hear.
But, after a couple of months, Don Tom called Barney up and said: “ Barney, your #$%^ing brother stole 5 million dollars from me, and I want it back now”.

So, Barney goes to Jake and asks - using sign language: “what’s going on? Don Tom says you stole $5M from him. Did you take it, and if you did, you’re a fool, because Don Tom will kill you. Using sign language, Jake denied everything.
Barney called Don Tom back and said Jake denied it all. Don Tom said: “Get yourself and your #$%^ing brother to my house forthwith, and we’ll discuss this matte like civilized people”.
Barney tells Jake the news, and says we’re in for it now, because Don Tom is a killer.

They arrive at Don Tom’s front room, and upon questioning by the Don, and some sign language communication between Barney and Jake, Barney tells the Don: “Don, my brother says he has no idea what you’re talking about”.
So, Dom Tom snaps his fingers, and in walks Nuckles with a .45, and points the gun at Jake’s head. The Don says; “tell your #$%^ ing brother he needs to tell me know where the money is now, or I’ll kill him”. Barney believed him.

So, Barney turns to Jake and says – in sign language (much wagging of fingers): “ you know what this means, tell him and I might be able to get you out of this mess”.

Jake frantically responds – in sign language: “Oh damn, I make a huge mistake. Tell the Don the money is buried in the back yard under the Oak tree. Please get me out of this mess. Tell him I’m sorry. Tell him to spare me. Help me Barney, help me”.

So, Barney calmly turns to Don Tom and says: “Don, my brother says fuck you, you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger”.

Typical lawyer stuff, right.

wrmettler

10-26-2016, 03:28 PM

Doctor joke?

Darryl as a young man started to have headaches when he was around 14-15 years old. His folks took him to all sorts of doctors, but to no avail. No doctor had any ideas about the cause.

As Darryl got older, the headaches persisted, and got to the point where he sought his own medical consultations. He went all over the US, visiting Mayo Clinic, Johns Hopkins, Harvard, Yale, etc. No help from any place. He even went to the Barrows in Phoenix, where he lived. The headaches just kept getting worse.

Finally, one day Dr. George calls from Barrows and say to Darryl that he might have found an answer, and could they meet. Dr. George explained to Darryl that he, the doctor was on the cutting edge of medical research, having graduated from Harvard, Harvard Medical School, and will post grad training at Harvard, Mass General and Johns Hopkins. He said that he found the solution, but that it required “harvesting” Darryl’s testicles. Dr. George thought it wasn’t that big of a deal.

Darryl ran out of the consultation appalled. But, after a couple more years of pain, he relented, and the operation took place. After some adjustment (and medication), Darryl decided to take a cruise around the world and in order to do that properly, he needed an all new wardrobe. So, he went to see Barney the tailor.

Barney did business for 40 years in a shabby old building in downtown Phoenix. He wasn’t much to look at, but he was a good tailor. People came from all over to get fitted and he was considered the best.

So, in walks Darryl and announces that he wants a whole new wardrobe to travel in. Barney says, “well young man, you’ve come to the right place. I see you with a 17 ½ - 35” shirt, 50 sports jacket, 40 – 36 pants, 42 belt, 48 underwear t-shirt, 38 jockey shorts, 7 7/8 hat, 12 eee shoe and about 12-14 socks, and maybe a size 50 overcoat. Am I right”?

Darryl says “that’s amazing, but you’re wrong”. Barney says he’s never wrong and what does Darryl think. Well, Darryl says: "I wear a 34 jockey, and I’ve worn that size since I was 15".

Barney looks a Darryl, and says, “Naw kid, you wear your jockeys too tight, it pinches your balls, and gives you a headache.

5pins

10-27-2016, 05:48 AM

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,
gives the husband a big french kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"

I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris,
no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

CCT125US

10-29-2016, 09:29 AM

https://video-yyz1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t42.1790-2/10983788_910527568998751_1277389363_n.mp4?efg=eyJy bHIiOjQ1OSwicmxhIjo5ODcsInZlbmNvZGVfdGFnIjoic2QifQ %3D%3D&oh=650c3caa38df8e1dba98e5b9026ea97f&oe=5814ECCA

RoyGBiv

10-30-2016, 05:22 AM

Why Women Make Better Assassins

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a
woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
Kill her."

The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my
wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard
one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair.

RoyGBiv

11-03-2016, 01:15 PM

A man returns home a day early from a business trip.

It's after midnight. While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness because the man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife, naked, with a man. The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat .
HE paid for your motorcycles and toy hauler.
HE paid for your Football season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

JohnO

11-03-2016, 09:49 PM

Hillary Clinton addressed a major gathering of the Yavapai Indian Nation in Prescott, AZ, recently. She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living.

Though vague in detail, she spoke about her ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers."
Afterwards, the Tribes presented her with a plaque inscribed with her new Native American name,
"Walking Eagle", which she proudly accepted.

After Hillary left, a news reporter asked the Chief how they came to select this name.
He explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly.

Greg

11-03-2016, 11:11 PM

Here is a guide to the points system women have devised:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed .............................................+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1

You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5

in the snow.............................................. .....+8

but return with beer..........................................-5

and no liners............................................ ....-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5

You pummel it with a six iron................................+10

It's her cat............................................... ..-40

AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party............ 0

You stay by her side for a while, then

leave to chat with a College drinking buddy......-2

Named Tiffany....................................-4

Tiffany is a dancer..............................-10

With breast implants.........! ....................-18

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday................................0

You buy a card and flowers...............................0

You take her out to dinner.............................. 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1

Okay, it is a sports bar................................-2

And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your

face is painted the colors of your favorite team.......-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal.......................................0

The pal is happily married..........................+1

The pal is single...................................-7

He drives a Ferrari.................................-10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie...............+2

You take her to a movie she likes..! ...+4

You take her to a movie you hate......+6

You take her to a movie you like......-2

It's called Death Cop 3...............-3

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly................-15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...+10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose

jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...........................-30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".................-800

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding......................-10

You reply, "Where?".............................-35

You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".........-100

Any other response..............................-20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned _expression....................0

You listen, for over 30 minutes..................................+5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience........+50

You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying
"well,

what do you think I should do"...........................-50

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+100

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep............-200

Robinson

11-04-2016, 09:50 AM

That's hilarious.

Glenn E. Meyer

11-04-2016, 11:50 AM

You buy a 1911 ......................... -5
You agree to buy a 1911 and new downstairs drapes ........... -5 +10 = +5, I know.
Since you have a pot belly, you agree to order the salmon at the fancy steak house .......... +2

Greg

11-04-2016, 12:09 PM

texasaggie2005

11-04-2016, 12:31 PM

You get caught checking out the rack on the waitress......... -200

Much like the DNC, the game is rigged. Men just can't win.

RoyGBiv

11-04-2016, 02:44 PM

Much like the DNC, the game is rigged. Men just can't win.

Care less. ??

hufnagel

11-04-2016, 05:24 PM

http://4closurefraud.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Not-to-play.jpg

I expect everyone to get this.

RoyGBiv

11-04-2016, 07:11 PM

I expect everyone to get this.
Everyone over 45 maybe.

hufnagel

11-05-2016, 08:01 AM

i'm under 45 and I get it :D

it's like my credit card; has an image of a cassette on it. if you don't know what it is i'm probably not legally able to talk to you, as i'm not interested in defending myself against a pedo wrap.

MistWolf

11-06-2016, 04:21 AM

You get caught checking out the rack on the waitress......... -200

What rack? I ordered salmon....... +2

Totem Polar

11-16-2016, 01:53 PM

A life-long shooter goes to the doctor with hearing problems.

"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.

"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy b****** and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

Amun

11-17-2016, 09:22 AM

http://4closurefraud.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Not-to-play.jpg

I expect everyone to get this.

Hello Joshua. :)

Bigguy

11-17-2016, 10:14 AM

65 Years Ago.

This is PRICELESS (?) .............

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around
her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk,
with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery
stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering
$5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With 'Carnation
Milk is best of all.'

She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know
about milk and dairy farms.* I can do this! She sent in her
entry, and several weeks later, a black car pulled up in
front of her house.

A large man got out, knocked on her door and said,
"Ma'am, The president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED
your entry.....So much, in fact, that we are here to award you
$1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!"

He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office
wall.

Here it is.

http://www.guywheatley.com/photos/RAW1.jpg

I'm told this is a true story.

Bigguy

11-17-2016, 10:19 AM

http://www.guywheatley.com/photos/DogBusiness.jpeg

Bigguy

11-17-2016, 10:37 AM

I maintained a motorcycle forum for several years but considering the last post was in 2012, I'm probably going to take it down. This flood of jokes is from the humor thread (http://www.guywheatley.com/cgi-bin/yabb2/YaBB.pl?board=humor). I though I'd post a few of them here before they to away.

Bigguy

11-17-2016, 10:40 AM

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings & beer. Don't block the TV

Bigguy

11-17-2016, 10:43 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1:00 am, and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

~

~

~

~

The man replies.... "That would be my wife."

Bigguy

11-17-2016, 10:46 AM

http://www.guywheatley.com/photos/LuvPoem.jpg

Bigguy

11-17-2016, 10:53 AM

Instruction for driving in Dallas

First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-US, not DAL-ISS.

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules...."Hold on and pray". There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all drive like that.

All directions start with, "Get on Beltline". . . which has no beginning and no end.

The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10. The evening rush hour is from 3 to 7. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot.

When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing into all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.

Construction on Central Expressway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. We had sooo much fun with that, so we have added George Bush Freeway and the High Five to the mix.

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Fort Worth."

If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect. Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.

All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way. PERIOD.

Inwood Road, Plano Road, NW Highway, East Grand, Garland Road, Marsh Lane, Josey Lane, 15th Street, Preston Road. . . all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples). The perfect example is what is MOSTLY known as Plano Road. On the South end it is known as Lake Highlands Drive, cross Northwest Highway and it becomes Plano Road, go about 8 miles and it is briefly Greenville Ave, Ave. K, and Highway 5. It ends in Sherman, TX.

If asking directions in Irving or SE Dallas, you must have knowledge of Spanish.

If in central Richardson or on Harry Hines, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet.

If you stop to ask directions on Gaston or Live Oak, you better be armed.

A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

It is possible to be driving WEST in the NORTH-bound lane of EAST NORTHWEST Highway. Don't let this confuse you.

The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of NASCAR. It also ends in Sherman.

LBJ Freeway is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap".

If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Stock Show is going on. If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, and it is Spring, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round. If it is Fall, the Texas State Fair is going on.

If you go to the Fair, pay the $5.00 to park INSIDE Fair Park. Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc.

If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his 'yard', run over him.

All amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports, etc., are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.

With these simple rules in mind you are now ready to drive in Dallas.

Please try and keep up.

Bigguy

11-17-2016, 10:55 AM

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY...there is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses...The results were pretty interesting.30% of women think their ass is too fat. 10% of women think their ass is too skinny. The remaining 60% say they don't care, they Love him, he's a good man and wouldn't trade him for the world

P30

11-17-2016, 11:41 AM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCkFxXZWJZY

RoyGBiv

11-17-2016, 12:53 PM

^^^^ Hilarious!

5pins

11-17-2016, 05:09 PM

MistWolf

11-18-2016, 03:08 PM

Mary Sue: "What's that icky stuff stuck in your tire treads?"

Jim Bob: "Slow protesters"

After my father retired, he moved to Texas and got hired on as a prison guard, a job he truly loved and excelled at. When I got laid of from Boeing, he called and told I should come down and apply.

"I dunno", I said. "I don't think I could pass the entrance exam."

"It's easy", Dad said. "I'll coach you. Answer this question: Two prisoners are sharing a cell. One rapes the other and now, they have to be separated. Who do you move to another cell, the perp or the victim?"

Figuring I had a 50/50 chance, I said "...uh, the victim?"

"That's right! You know why?"

"I don't", I admitted sheepishly.

"Because the victim already has his shit packed!"

Bigguy

11-18-2016, 03:31 PM

A Wyoming family would go to town for a weekend once every month. As this was quite a journey, they would be gone a couple of days, so the children took turns staying home to take care of the place. This particular weekend, it was 14-year-old Kevin’s turn to hold down the fort. The Family headed out Friday evening.

Early The next morning there was a knock on the door. Answering the door, the boy was confronted by his next door neighbor, who lived just 20s mile up the road.

“Is your Pa home?” the neighbor asks.

“No sir,” answers the boy, “He took the family to town for the weekend, but he left me in charge. I can probably help you with what ever you need.”

The neighbor looked uncomfortable for a few minutes, but eventually said. “Just tell your Pa I need to speak to him about your brother Billy getting my daughter pregnant.”

The boy is quiet for a minute, then says, “Yes sir, you’ll need to speak to Pa about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $1,000 for the stallion, but I’ve got no idea what he’ll charge for Billy.”

Bigguy

11-18-2016, 03:42 PM

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well, Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish:

"I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "It's the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke. "You have one more wish, what will*you have?"

"I so dearly miss the Prince and dread the lonely years to come,
answered Cinderella.

"I'm sorry child," answered The Fairy Godmother, "but not even I can restore your Prince. You must choose another wish."

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "If I can't have my Prince, then I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man."

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the likes of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke. "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life!" And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.

Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young, muscular arms.

He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"

CSW

11-18-2016, 03:58 PM

I was sitting at a red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green, and because there was no crossing traffic in sight as far as the eye could see I resisted the temptation to just cross over.

Then a carload of loud, bearded young men with a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side of their car pulled up next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Alluh Akbar!" and took off before the lights changed. Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself: Wow! That could have been me!

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.

RoyGBiv

11-19-2016, 07:39 AM

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

RoyGBiv

11-19-2016, 07:44 AM

I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles. My next bowel movement could spell disaster...

MistWolf

11-19-2016, 09:25 AM

I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles. My next bowel movement could spell disaster...

So much for square meals being good for ya

1slow

11-19-2016, 07:18 PM

I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles. My next bowel movement could spell disaster...

Dis-Ass-Ter !

MistWolf

11-19-2016, 09:52 PM

One day, in the month of January in the year of our Lord 2017, an old man rose creakily to his feet from a park bench and crossed the street to the White House. He approached a Marine standing guard and said "I'm here to speak with President Obama."

The young Marine answered "I'm sorry, sir. Obama is no longer president. He and his family have moved out."

The old man peered closely at the Marine, brows furrowed. "Are you certain?"

"Yes, sir." The old man nodded and leaning heavily on his cane, made his way down the sidewalk.

The following day, the old man returned and said to the same young Marine "I'd like to speak with President Obama."

The young Marine again answered "Sorry, sir. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides in the White House."

The man said "Are you absolutely certain?"

"Yes, sir. Absolutely." The old man clucked his tongue and leaning on his cane heavily, limped his way down the side walk.

On the third day, the old man returned once again. He stopped before the same young Marine guarding the gate to the White House and said "Son, I'd like to speak to President Obama."

The young Marine pursed his lips but held his patience. "Sir, as I've explained the last two days you were here, Obama is no longer the president. He no longer resides here. Do you not understand?"

The old man drew himself up to his full height and looked the young Marine right in the eye. "I understand all right, son. I just love hearing it!"

Shoresy

11-19-2016, 10:01 PM

Dis-Ass-Ter !11780

Bigguy

11-21-2016, 01:58 PM

Paddy was on Who Wants to be a Millionaire Europe. He had done rather well, and was now at the final million Euro question. The only life line he had left was phone-a-friend.

“And now Paddy,” says the host, “Are you ready for the Million Euro question? If you get it right, you’ll win a million Euros, but if you get it wrong, you’ll leave with nothing.”

“Let's go for it!” declares Paddy.

“All right then,” says the host, “Which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest?” The Eagle, the Owl, the Wood Finch, or the Cuckoo?”

Paddy is stunned. He has no idea. Seeing Paddy’s distress the host asks, “Do you want to use your last life line? Do you want to phone a friend?”

Paddy has chosen his drinking buddy Shaun as his phone a friend and Shaun is no more an ornithologist that Paddy is. With nothing to lose, he decides to call the bar where Shaun is waiting to see if his friend can be of any help.

The host gets Shaun on the phone and explains the rules. He then gives the phone to Paddy. “Shaun me pal, der’s a million Euros on da line here. For a million Euros, which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest?” Da Eagle, da Owl, da Wood Finch, or da Cuckoo?”

“Paddy,” says Shaun, “da answer couldn’t be more obvious. It’s da cuckoo.”

Paddy is stunned by his friend’s confidence. “Are you sure me pal?” he asks. “Der’s a million Euros on da line here.”

“Absolutely,” asserts Shaun, “Go fer it!”

“Alright den,” says Paddy. “Me pal says it’s da cuckoo, so dat’ll be me final answer!”

Bells ring, lights flash, and confetti falls as Paddy becomes a millionaire.

A few days later Paddy is at his favorite watering hole buying rounds for everybody, especially his pal Shaun. “Shaun me lad,” asks Paddy. “You don’t know any more about birds that I do, so how where you so sure that the cuckoo doesn’t build it’s own nest?”

“It’s as obvious as da nose on yer face!” declares Shaun. “”Why would it build a nest when it lives in a fookin clock?”

Malamute

11-21-2016, 06:50 PM

Borrowed from elsewhere....

The commanding general of the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.)gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy.

At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions. An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?" The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?" The general replied, "All indications point to China ."

Everyone in the audience was shocked. A third officer remarked, "General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?"

The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious." After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the auditorium asked, "Do we have enough Jews to pull that off?"

RoyGBiv

11-24-2016, 06:56 AM

What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?

Beer

CSW

11-24-2016, 07:08 AM

What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?

Beer

***Groan.....***

What's brown and sticky?????

A stick.....

What do you call a deer with no eyes????

No eye deer......

I'll stop now, Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

RoyGBiv

11-24-2016, 08:04 AM

What do you call a deer with one eye?

One good eye deer.

CSW

11-24-2016, 08:13 AM

What do you call a deer with one eye?

One good eye deer.

What do you call a deer with the eyes of an eagle?????

A great eye deer.....

ba-dump, bump...

CSW

11-24-2016, 08:20 AM

The old man said to three grannies at the retirement village,: 'There’s no way you can guess my age!’

One of the grandmas replied, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The grannies asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times.

Determined to prove them wrong, he did it.

Then, they all said in unison, 'You're 83-years-old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old geezer asked, 'How in the world did you guess my age?'

Slapping their knees, high-fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three grannies happily crowed....'We were at your birthday party yesterday.'

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

MistWolf

11-25-2016, 02:46 AM

***Groan.....***

What's brown and sticky?????

A stick.....

What do you call a deer with no eyes????

No eye deer......

I'll stop now, Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

What do you call a blind buck after he wanders onto a Texas highway?

Still no eyed deer.

What that same buck three days later?

Still stinking no eyed deer

MistWolf

11-25-2016, 02:49 AM

What do you call a gay buck with exceptional vision?

Good eye deer fairy

hufnagel

11-25-2016, 08:07 AM

These last few jokes have been sheep....

BBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!

Glenn E. Meyer

11-25-2016, 10:53 AM

A native American male is getting married. His name is Brave Eagle. He is told by the elders that after marriage, his name will be changed to:

YES, DEER!

MistWolf

11-25-2016, 12:13 PM

I have to sheepishly admit, I like humor that's wild an woolly

MistWolf

11-29-2016, 03:54 AM

Why is a laser beam like a goldﬁsh?

Because neither one can whistle

RoyGBiv

11-29-2016, 09:30 AM

https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Pictures2/n-MbxPq/i-WHGXvWL/0/L/i-WHGXvWL-L.jpg

RoyGBiv

11-30-2016, 07:26 AM

y buddy went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back...

Half way through he said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand."

The tattooist said "Hang on pal, I've only just finished his turban."

(pretty Sikh, I know)

P30

11-30-2016, 01:02 PM

What do you call a deer with one eye?

One good eye deer.
What's so funny about this? We Germans talk like that all day. For example, we don't say "glove" but "hand shoe" (Handschuh). :rolleyes:

But although you Anglo-Saxons have more words, our words are less ambiguous and written like we speak. :p

CSW

11-30-2016, 06:47 PM

What's so funny about this? We Germans talk like that all day. For example, we don't say "glove" but "hand shoe" (Handschuh). :rolleyes:

But although you Anglo-Saxons have more words, our words are less ambiguous and written like we speak. :p

"good idea".... Get it?

P30

12-01-2016, 10:32 AM

Ah, OK, thank you. :)

JTQ

12-01-2016, 11:21 AM

I've got to admit, even as a native US English speaker, it took me three or four reads to get that joke. If you're within that group or region that routinely throw an extra "r" in their words, you probably got it right off. It is funny, though.

johnson

12-04-2016, 08:30 PM

http://i.imgur.com/CXBTrqG.jpg

MistWolf

12-05-2016, 12:04 PM

http://i.imgur.com/CXBTrqG.jpg

Let me guess- Trump voter?

hufnagel

12-05-2016, 12:10 PM

It's deplorable...

That he didn't dye his hair black too.

LOKNLOD

12-05-2016, 12:15 PM

Let me guess- Trump voter?

I thought it was "Fürher".

johnson

12-05-2016, 07:56 PM

Moving away from standard jokes...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5Lmkm5EF5E&feature=youtu.be&t=1m19s

MistWolf

12-06-2016, 03:56 AM

A man kicked open the door to a crowded bar, holding a 1911 high over his head and fired a a shot into the ceiling, instantly getting everyone's attention. "I've got 8 more rounds of 45 ACP, in this pistol," he growled into the sudden silence. "Now, I want to know- who's been sleeping with my wife?"

Somewhere, from a dark corner in the back, a man cleared his throat and said "Bob, you're gonna need more ammo than that"

RoyGBiv

12-07-2016, 06:42 AM

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven.
God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side I
must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."
God asks Obama first: "What do you believe?"

He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in
hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in
giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen".

God can't help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him
a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"

Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the
fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have
been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and
a loyal American."

God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers
her a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you
believe?"

Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

hufnagel

12-07-2016, 07:39 AM

at first I read that and I was screaming

http://www.emojimeanings.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/bullshit.png

but then I got to the end and I was like

http://www.reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/ill_allow_it_community.gif

alexdrake

12-07-2016, 08:00 AM

Nice One !!!!!

johnson

12-07-2016, 09:21 PM

12200

CSW

12-08-2016, 07:20 AM

A collie and a german shepard meet at the vet.
The shepard asks the collie what he's there for.

The collie explains that his owner beat him, and he finally could take no more, and bit the owner in the throat, and killed him. He said that sadly, he was scheduled to be put down by the family.
The collie asks the same question to the shepard, "why are you here"?

The Shepard explains that he is owned by a gorgeous brunette with 36-24-34 measurements, and a great ass. He says that when he saw her bending over gardening , he just couldn't control himself any longer, mounted her, and rode her to completion.

The collie says, 'so I guess you'll be going before me, huh"?

But the Shepard just smiled and says, "nope, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed"......

:p

johnson

12-08-2016, 10:38 AM

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

MistWolf

12-08-2016, 01:18 PM

http://www.shirttrader.com/shirtimages/seal-of-approval_0.gif

RoyGBiv

12-10-2016, 07:59 AM

It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you come to realize that there can be value in solving problems without using violence.

Welder

12-11-2016, 06:02 PM

From Beretta Forum:

I was sitting at the bar last night waiting for my beer when this really unattractive, oversized woman comes by and slaps me on the butt. She said, "Hey, handsome, how about giving me your number."

I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?"

She said, "Yes, I do."

I said, "Well, you'd better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing."

My dental surgery is this Friday.

HCountyGuy

12-11-2016, 07:37 PM

A woman gets pulled over in Georgia for speeding by a state trooper.

The trooper walks up to the car and starts, "Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?"

The woman replies, "You're going to sell me a ticket to the Georgia State Trooper Ball, right?"

The trooper looks at her, confused. "Ticket for what now?"

"The Georgia State Trooper Ball!"

The trooper shakes his head. "Ma'am, Georgia State Troopers don't have balls."

The woman starts to giggle and it dawns on the trooper what he just said. He closes his ticket book, tips his hat to the lady and says "You're free to go, have a nice day."

Totem Polar

12-11-2016, 07:42 PM

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

Reminds me:

Q: the similarity between someone putting leftovers into Tupperware and a Walrus?

A: they both like a tight seal...

RoyGBiv

12-14-2016, 11:15 AM

A simple explanation of "Marketing."

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to
him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

______________________________ ______________________________ _____________________
* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says,
"She's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.
______________________________ ______________________________ _____________________

* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic
in bed."

That's Telemarketing.
______________________________ ______________________________ ____________________

* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up
to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to
straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.
______________________________ ______________________________ ______________________

* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and
says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.
______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________

*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you
talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.
______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________

* Your friend can't satisfy him so she calls you.

That's Tech Support.
______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________

* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto
the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of
your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Facebook.
______________________________ ______________________________ _______________________

* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and
grabs your ass.
That's Donald Trump.______________________________

* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides
you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.

That's America !

jeep45238

12-14-2016, 03:18 PM

Was forwarded this review from a vet group on facebook. It's pretty amazing story telling.

https://www.amazon.com/review/R2QP56S5P2DEGA

--------------------

This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200ml (1) (Health and Beauty)
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen.
I didn't have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...:)

CSW

12-15-2016, 07:23 AM

Here we see a Chicago city worker manning a snow plow to remove the brass left over from last weekend's shootouts......

https://www.shootersforum.com/attachments/humor/45369d1481267942-chicago-cleans-brass-streets-img_0455.jpg

hufnagel

12-15-2016, 08:34 AM

I blame Trump.

What... dude gets elected and ammo prices start dropping. Now the brass rats don't bother to pick up for us anymore. This could be a REAL problem pretty soon. Every gun range will look like that if the rats stop picking.

LockedBreech

12-15-2016, 12:01 PM

I bought a ton of 9mm the other day and it really was cheap. I think the ideal gun buying time will be about a year before mid term elections, late 2017.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

MistWolf

12-15-2016, 03:44 PM

http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/98/61/3a/98613aee184d0f45a28fc252c0a58e39.jpg

RoyGBiv

12-20-2016, 09:05 PM

Donald Trump and Bill Clinton are traveling together in the same train car….

Sitting across from them are an incredibly vivacious blonde woman and an enormous feminist wearing an unfriendly scowl.

As the train enters into a tunnel the car goes dark and a loud “slap” can be heard throughout the car. As the train emerges from the tunnel, the light of day reveals a stunned Bill Clinton sporting a red hand-print on his cheek.

The blonde, a smirk of justice on her face, thinks to herself: “That perv Clinton reached over to cop a feel of me and must have grabbed the lady next to me by mistake. Good for her! She slapped his face.”

The “oversized” feminist, the same smirk of justice on her face, thinks to herself: “That deviant, womanizing, miserable excuse for a man, Bill Clinton tried to sexually assault that good looking woman and she slapped his face. Good for her. How dare he try to get away with that!”

Bill Clinton, still stunned for getting slapped so hard thought to himself: “That slick SoB Trump! He tried to feel up that pretty little blonde thing over there and she must have thought it was me! She sure is pretty though…”

And Donald Trump, sitting quietly reading his Fortune 500, thought to himself: “Boy, I hope there’s another tunnel on this route so I can slap that idiot Clinton again!”

CSW

12-21-2016, 06:48 AM

On a cold but sunny day the last week of January 2017, an old man approaches the White House from Across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench.

He walked up to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.”

The Marine replied, “Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not president and doesn’t reside here. Donald Trump is the president of the United States.”
The old man said, “OK,” and quietly walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.”

The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not president and doesn’t reside here. Donald Trump is the President of the United States.”

The man thanked him and again quietly walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.”

The Marine, agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I’ve told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the president and doesn’t reside here. Donald Trump is the President of the United States. What don’t you understand about that?”

The old man answered, “Oh, I understand you fine, young man. I just love hearing you tell me over and over again that Hillary’s not the President!”

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir.”

RoyGBiv

12-22-2016, 07:25 AM

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was CELEBRATE!"

MistWolf

12-23-2016, 01:36 AM

That was awesome. We should celebrate

CSW

12-23-2016, 06:36 AM

After the accident, late in the night, he finally regained consciousness. He opened his eyes. He was in a hospital, in terrible pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask on his face, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him.

He realized that he was in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse was kind and attractive. She gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can you stand closer and bend forward a little, then?"

:p

gringop

12-24-2016, 08:58 PM

An elderly well dressed gentleman walks into a local dive and orders a drink. A drunken local trollop sidles up to him and says "Hey Mister, how would you like to have some Super Sex?"

He considers for a minute and says, "Eh, depends. What flavor is the soup?"

*******************
Young buck reply. "Har Har Har!"

Distinguished gentleman reply, "Har Har, Hmmmm?"

Gringo (He that would pun, would pick a pocket!) p

gringop

12-24-2016, 09:13 PM

While we are on the subject of Super Sex...

*********
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place."

So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."

Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.

Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin' yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?" Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet."
****************

Gringop

CSW

12-25-2016, 06:55 AM

Why was the snowman smiling?

He could see the snowblower coming down the street.
********************************************
What do priests and Christmas trees have in common?

Their balls are purely ornamental.
********************************
Why is Santa so jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

RoyGBiv

12-26-2016, 08:03 AM

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne, Australia where a woman
may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors
and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor
or may choose to go up to the next floor but you cannot go
back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor1- These
men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With
Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor6 - You are visitor31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just
across the street.

The First floor has wives that love sex.

The Second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

BaiHu

12-26-2016, 09:24 AM