Jokes. The good the bad and the ugly. [Archive] - Page 4

Trigger

10-06-2020, 05:24 PM

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. They loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

"Yes, I do," said Shawn. "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

Bart Carter

10-12-2020, 06:44 PM

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER................$2.50
HAMBURGER.............$3.50
CHEESEBURGER........$4.25
CHICKEN SANDWICH..$4.75

HAND JOB...............$150.

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the Elderly Golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. May I help you sir?”

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand jobs around here?”

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am. I give the best hand jobs around.”

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

P30

10-14-2020, 12:57 PM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-9-3DtUzug

I like the comments:

"His methods are unorthodox, but he still has good numbers."

"Well he is still leading them I guess that works"

Bigguy

10-14-2020, 01:19 PM

Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair. He held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

"I bet you're sorry now that you neutered me."

Bigguy

10-14-2020, 05:36 PM

The pastor stands in the pulpit, arms raised toward Heaven, his head thrown back with a look of serenity on his face. He extolls the eternal nature of God and the etherial nature of man.
“We are,” he intones, “but dust!”

The sermon ends a few second later as pandemonium breaks out. A little girl on the second row has just tugged her mother sleeve and asked loudly enough for the congregation to hear,”
“Mommy, what’s butt dust?”

Bigguy

10-17-2020, 03:18 PM

61944

SiriusBlunder

10-17-2020, 08:51 PM

61944

Reminds me of an old joke:

Once there was a sperm named Sammy who was buff and fit.

While all the other sperm were just lounging around, Sammy the Sperm spent his time doing cardio and lifting weights.

When one of the sperm got up enough nerve to talk to Sammy, he asked "Why don't you just relax like us?" Sammy replied, with a smirk, "Well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one to reach the egg and fertilize it."

So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along with Sammy way out front of the pack. Suddenly Sammy stops, turns around and frantically begins swimming up stream shouting "BACK! BACK! It's a blow job!"

Bart Carter

10-20-2020, 04:46 PM

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

5pins

10-24-2020, 07:33 PM

Me: I just don't think I can work there anymore after what my boss said to me.

Wife: Why, what did he say?

Me: You're fired.

Bigguy

10-25-2020, 08:27 PM

62248

Bart Carter

10-26-2020, 02:29 PM

It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles. The older I get, the earlier it gets late. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

awp_101

11-15-2020, 09:55 AM

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message… She wrote:
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

Guerrero

11-20-2020, 12:01 PM

The last time we were in Mexico visiting my wife's family, I stopped into this shop that made beautiful, custom, handmade footwear. I said, "I have to run, but could I quick try on that pair of boots?"

The proprietor looked at me sternly and said, "No. These boots are made for Joaquin."

RoyGBiv

11-28-2020, 04:04 PM

Just left Walmart where a lady with a basket full of TP asked me what kind of dog I had. I said a service dog. Very rudely she yells what type of service? I said he is a BLD. What's a BLD? She asked as she is allowing my dog to lick her face. With a straight face I said "He is my butt licking dog ( BLD ). I can't find any toilet paper anywhere because of people like you hoarding the TP so he licks my ass clean...... The cashier lost it and walked away from the register.

Baldanders

12-05-2020, 09:33 PM

A homeless man was on the sidewalk. He had out a cup with "please help me" written on it. He was missing both legs and one hand.

A conservative man walked by and screamed "lift yourself up by your bootstraps!"

A liberal man walked by later, stopped, and said "if you could only lose that hand, I could get you some real help!"

MistWolf

12-06-2020, 03:09 AM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXI1byuVixA

Dog Guy

12-07-2020, 09:54 PM

Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."

Andy in NH

12-14-2020, 09:22 PM

Do gun manuals have a troubleshooting section?

Totem Polar

12-14-2020, 09:29 PM

Oboy, here we go...

MistWolf

12-15-2020, 02:46 AM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNgLsbcAqh0

Tod-13

12-15-2020, 08:30 AM

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

Just told that one to my sister-in-law who used to teach in county juvie -- she couldn't stop laughing.

She teaches in "parole school" now. She's a good teacher and doesn't talk down to the kids to the point where some say they want her as their permanent teacher and don't want to go back to their regular school. Sometimes we joke the kids are going to commit more crimes to stay in her class.

Andy in NH

12-31-2020, 02:14 PM

Do military barbers shave their privates?

blues

12-31-2020, 02:20 PM

Do military barbers shave their privates?

Do Italian mothers raise dumbbells?

Stephanie B

01-01-2021, 07:47 AM

In the paper here this morning, some dentist's family ran a 58 column-inch obituary (https://www.legacy.com/obituaries/theday/obituary.aspx?n=philip-joseph-digiovanni&pid=197405432) about him. I checked the rate card for the paper; that cost them $1,705 (plus tax).

Which leads me to this joke:

Ollie, a life-long resident of northern Minnesota died. His wife, Lena, was at the funeral parlor, making the final arrangements.

The mortician brought up the subject of an obituary. Lena said: "I don't want to pay for such foolishness. Everybody already knows Ollie died."

The mortician said: :I understand, but the first five words of an obituary are at no charge to you."

Lena thought about it and said: "Put in 'Ollie died'."

The mortician said: "You still have three free words to add something."

Lena thought on that and declared: "Have it say: 'Ollie died. Boat for sale.' "

Stephanie B

01-11-2021, 06:06 PM

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender asks the rabbit: "What'll ya' have?"

The rabbit says: "I dunno, I'm only here because of autocorrect."

Bart Carter

01-11-2021, 06:31 PM

As i get older, I have found out that I have to stay positive.

For example, the other day I fell down the stairs. Instead of getting upset, I just thought, "Wow, that's the fastest I've moved in years!"

Bart Carter

01-11-2021, 09:27 PM

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."
"You're on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again
"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again? Why?"
"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters.
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."

At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."
"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Because we've never been there before."
Okay, let's give it a try.

Andy in NH

01-15-2021, 08:50 PM

Where are average things made?
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At the satisfactory!

CSW

01-16-2021, 06:47 AM

Where are average things made?
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At the satisfactory!
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<groan....>:p

snow white

01-16-2021, 08:21 AM

How do you get out of an elephant?
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.run around till ya get pooped!

Guerrero

01-16-2021, 12:36 PM

Just got an idea for a new superhero:

He's a Little Person who lives in The City. His superpower is that he can shatter/destroy objects by finding their harmonic frequency. His superhero name is...

Metro-Gnome

blues

01-16-2021, 12:40 PM

5pins

01-16-2021, 02:12 PM

That'll resonate with a lot of folks.

I don't like the sound of this.

blues

01-16-2021, 02:12 PM

I don't like the sound of this.

Just wait for the pendulum to swing in the other direction.

MistWolf

01-16-2021, 02:45 PM

Just wait for the pendulum to swing in the other direction.
His speech has a certain rhythm to it- he calls it "Tick Talk".

CSW

01-17-2021, 06:27 AM

Back and forth, back and forth with this conversation..

Bart Carter

01-20-2021, 08:58 PM

TRIP TO ITALY
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean,
but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.
I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Guerrero

01-20-2021, 09:38 PM

Younger Offspring cam to me with this one:

If you watch Jaws in reverse, it becomes the heartwarming tale of a shark who donates limbs to disabled people (and, as a buddy of mine noted, occasionally coughs up a naked woman).

Bart Carter

01-20-2021, 10:07 PM

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department. After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, "You are a big strong kid, and you can really shoot. So far, your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an 'Attitude Suitability Test', that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six child molesters, six rapists, six meth dealers, six terrorists , six politicians who want to turn American into a communist country, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

Totem Polar

01-21-2021, 08:09 AM

Metro-Gnome

You’ve got an off-beat sense of humor

Wondering Beard

02-01-2021, 02:43 PM

An elderly lady called up her neighbor:" Hi, could you come over and help me with my puzzle? the pieces kind of flew everywhere, and I don't think I can do it myself."

Being a nice guy, the neighbor came right over and the elderly lady showed him all the pieces strewn haphazardly all over the table and the floor.

He asks:"what are pieces supposed to represent?", "A rooster, I think. That's what on the box", she answers.

He looks over the pieces, looks over the box, turns to her and lightly smiling says
"first of all, we're not going to be able able to put all those pieces together and make a rooster" He takes her hand and tells her to relax "let's make you a cup of tea"
"And then, we'll put the cornflakes back in the box".

Guerrero

02-01-2021, 03:03 PM

I liked pop music better...

...Pre-Malone.

Totem Polar

03-05-2021, 12:45 AM

One evening, four brothers chatted together after dinner.

They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they had given their elderly mother a few days earlier.

Milton said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

Marvin said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

Michael said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

Melvin said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.
I bought her a parrot who could recite the entire Bible.
It took ten preachers over 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year
for five years to the church, but it was worth it.
Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After her birthday celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
Thanks anyway."

"Michael, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes.
The thought was good.Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, you gave me an expensive theatre that can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it.
Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."

Love, Mama

Totem Polar

03-05-2021, 10:23 AM

One more:

Stephanie B

03-05-2021, 01:34 PM

One more:

I am so forwarding the shit out of that one.

RevolverRob

03-05-2021, 01:50 PM

For the car nerds...

I had a Camaro once.

I traded it for a dog.

I was tired of walking alone.

JAD

03-21-2021, 07:19 PM

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to blood donation clinic.

The nurse asked the rabbit: "What is your blood type?"

"I am probably a type O" said the rabbit.

Andy in NH

03-21-2021, 07:44 PM

Mountains just aren't funny, they are hill areas!

03-21-2021, 07:51 PM

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to blood donation clinic.

The nurse asked the rabbit: "What is your blood type?"

"I am probably a type O" said the rabbit.

Took me a minute. I had to say it out loud. :)

Greg

03-26-2021, 03:13 PM

Operator: 911, what's your emergency?

Man: A guy got hit by a car, he needs an ambulance.

Operator: What is your location?

Man: We're on Eucalyptus street.

Operator: Can you spell that?

(Long Pause)

Operator: Sir are you still there?

Man: I'm dragging him over to Pine street. I'll call back.

DIESEL

03-26-2021, 07:53 PM

What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

Nobody pays $200 to have a garbanzo bean on thier chest.

400 grains

03-26-2021, 08:38 PM

Two Amish women are in a field digging up potatoes.
Woman #1 has two potatoes in her hand, and says, these remind me of my husbands testicles.
Woman #2 says, they are that big ?
Woman #1 says, no, they are that dirty

OlongJohnson

03-30-2021, 10:37 PM

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man.

Andy in NH

03-31-2021, 07:48 PM

I read a book on surgical procedures recently.
It was good up until the end.
Then I realized someone had removed the appendix.

Andy in NH

04-02-2021, 10:39 PM

What do you get when you put your hand in a blender?
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A handshake.

OlongJohnson

04-02-2021, 10:46 PM

Don't expect me to stop if you're broken down by the side of the road.

I know you were offered an extended car warranty several times.

Andy in NH

04-03-2021, 02:52 PM

Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch...

Yeti never complains.

blues

04-03-2021, 03:06 PM

Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch...

Yeti never complains.

That joke is abominable.

pangloss

04-03-2021, 08:34 PM

I just heard this one yesterday. I apologize if someone has already posted it upthread.

A photon checked into a hotel, and the bellhop asked if he could take the photon's luggage to his room. "No thanks. I'm traveling light," replied the photon.

Bigguy

04-06-2021, 12:26 AM

Sorry mods if this is the wrong thread. Please move to medical thread if you need to.
So, I fixed a dinner of baked Ziti and green beans. As usual, I fried some bacon and mixed it and some of the grease with the green beans. I made enough for us to have a couple of left over meals.
The next day the wife and I are talking about warming up food. When we got to the green beans, suddenly she started mumbling gibberish. I could make any sense of the sounds she was making. I wondered if she'd switched to a foreign language. A few seconds later, she was again speaking english.
The episode seemed to be over. I was afraid it might have been a stroke. But I've also heard of people tapping into ancient languages. So, I though I'd try to post the sounds she made in case anybody here might recognize them. As best as I can reproduce them in print:

"Tu Muttch bay kun."

Completely intelligible to me. I just couldn't grasp what concept she was attempting to convey. Anybody else got any ideas?

JohnO

04-06-2021, 11:13 AM

"Tu Muttch bay kun."

Completely intelligible to me. I just couldn't grasp what concept she was attempting to convey. Anybody else got any ideas?

Improper BIOS settings. You need to update the BIOS and reload the OS! :cool:

MistWolf

04-07-2021, 01:18 AM

"Tu Muttch bay kun."

Completely intelligible to me. I just couldn't grasp what concept she was attempting to convey. Anybody else got any ideas?
Yes. She said "Next time, hold the green beans"

RevolverRob

04-18-2021, 07:36 PM

From the IG Ministry of Dad Jokes:

70331

UNK

04-24-2021, 12:28 AM

GJM

Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.”
After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzle bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Bob. That bear was my cousin and you’ve got two choices- either I maul your to death or we have rough sex.”
Again, Bob thought it was better to co-operate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.

Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder, He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, “Admit it, Bob, you don’t come here just for the hunting, do you?”

Half Moon

04-24-2021, 08:42 AM

Greg

04-24-2021, 08:52 AM

Please don’t mention Bigfoot erotica in this thread. It will never recover.

blues

04-24-2021, 09:05 AM

https://ychef.files.bbci.co.uk/624x351/p02vxb1w.jpg

"You know what they say...big feet, big..."

https://i.pinimg.com/236x/e1/24/3b/e1243b59293e0338a6c858ee50c613c7.jpg

"Why do you think I always turn sideways when someone takes a picture?"

Half Moon

04-24-2021, 09:22 AM

UNK

04-24-2021, 10:15 AM

Please don’t mention Bigfoot erotica in this thread. It will never recover.

70606

Wingate's Hairbrush

04-24-2021, 10:26 AM

https://assets.bigcartel.com/product_images/303012819/EzmD53pWUAEsiVI.jpeg?auto=format&fit=max&w=1300

O4L

04-24-2021, 10:51 AM

https://assets.bigcartel.com/product_images/303012819/EzmD53pWUAEsiVI.jpeg?auto=format&fit=max&w=1300WTF!

Greg

04-24-2021, 11:19 AM

Dammit! I said don’t mention it!

Dog Guy

05-12-2021, 11:59 PM

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of it's paws.
A comma has pause at the end of its clause.

RoyGBiv

05-18-2021, 03:49 PM

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
• Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

https://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/ayM4D0W_700bwp.webp

5pins

05-30-2021, 03:14 PM

My new boss thinks I'm called "the computer" because I can do calculations quickly in my head.

The truth is It's because I fall asleep ever 15 minutes if I'm not being used.

RoyGBiv

06-01-2021, 06:35 AM

https://sadanduseless.b-cdn.net/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/pop-culture-truth7.gif

5pins

07-25-2021, 03:38 PM

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s - - t out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'

5pins

07-31-2021, 09:22 AM

The book I ordered about clocks finally came in.

It's about time.

Andy in NH

08-17-2021, 08:19 PM

I wanted to make alligator stew, but all I have is a crock pot.

CSW

08-18-2021, 04:39 AM

This is a morality test. It has only one question, but it is a very
important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you
stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional
situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember, your
answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:
You are in Florida , Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around
you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of
Biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major
newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The
situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and
people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is
unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:
Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life,
trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow
the woman looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Hillary
Clinton!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take
her under forever. You have two options: You can save the life of
Hillary Clinton or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning
photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women.

THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer?
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?

Catshooter

08-18-2021, 06:28 PM

Snap the pic with whatever the hells in the camera, pull the film and hit here square in the face with the camera, as hard as I could. Why not have the best of both?

Cat

MistWolf

08-18-2021, 07:54 PM

THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer?
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?

Always shoot in color. It can later be converted to black & white in Photo Shop.

beenalongtime

08-19-2021, 10:55 AM

Have we had any spousal murders yet, declared covid related?

CSW

08-19-2021, 12:14 PM

Have we had any spousal murders yet, declared covid related?

......Not that anyone would admit to....

Catshooter

08-19-2021, 09:31 PM

Well, we had .45 caliber Covid death locally, if that counts.

awp_101

09-01-2021, 02:55 PM

My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?! I was taken aback...what a weird way to start a conversation.

awp_101

09-03-2021, 01:31 PM

Putin visits Estonia

Immigration officer says: "Name?"

"Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin"

"Address?"

"Kremlin, Moscow, Russia"

"Occupation?"

"No, this time just visiting"

Darth_Uno

09-03-2021, 04:17 PM

Sweeney is getting a little older, has a couple bucks saved up, and just doesn't have the patience for the bullshit and drama any more.

"Boss," he says, " I can't take it no more. I quit."

"Sweeney, you can't just quit. You need to give your two weeks notice."

"No problem, boss. For the next two weeks, you're gonna notice I'm not here."

Kanye Wyoming

09-06-2021, 05:30 PM

An elegantly dressed man starts up the steps of a large temple on Rosh Hashana. At the front door, a security guard stops him: "Are you a member of this synagogue, sir?" the guard asks.

“No."

"Did you purchase a ticket to attend Rosh ha-Shanah and Yom Kippur services here?"

"No, I did not," the man says.

"I'm sorry," the guard says, "but you are forbidden to enter the synagogue then."

The man is desperate. "I have a very important message to give to Mr. Morris Goldstein. It's a matter of the greatest importance, and emergency. You must let me in to speak with him."

"Okay, okay," the guard finally says. "I'll let you in. But if I catch you praying...."

L’Shanah Tovah to all who celebrate and to all who don’t.

Paul D

09-06-2021, 06:30 PM

Two inmates at an insane asylum are on the rooftop of their dormitory plotting their escape.

Inmate 1: If we can get over to the other building next next to our dorm, we can climb down the fire escape and be free!

Inmate 2: How are we going to do that? We are 10 stories up and that rooftop is 25 yards away.

Inmate 1: Simple! I got this flashlight here. You shine a beam of light across the way; I walk on it to the other side; you toss me the light and I do the same for you.

Inmate 2: Are you crazy? What if the batteries goes out?

awp_101

09-07-2021, 07:42 AM

My wife has begged me to stop making police related puns.

I said, "O.K.....I'll give it arrest.”

awp_101

09-25-2021, 02:32 PM

When my wife told me that the Prime Minister of Canada got re-elected, I thought she was lying.

It’s Trudeau.

awp_101

09-29-2021, 04:57 PM

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too 'un-American'

I saw it coming from a kilometre away.

Darth_Uno

10-04-2021, 07:29 PM

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence.

5pins

10-05-2021, 06:43 AM

I wanted to be a butcher but I couldn't make the cut.

awp_101

10-05-2021, 08:46 AM

My wife kicked me out of the house for my misquoted Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don’t worry...

I’ll return.

awp_101

10-05-2021, 08:47 AM

What do you call Batman when he skips church?

Christian Bale

awp_101

10-05-2021, 09:27 AM

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

awp_101

10-06-2021, 08:14 AM

In Britain we call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".

I guess we're just raised differently.

awp_101

10-07-2021, 09:58 AM

I called the tinnitus helpline…

It just kept ringing.

blues

10-07-2021, 10:06 AM

I called the tinnitus helpline…

It just kept ringing.

A rare archival image of awp_101

https://www.beachamjournal.com/.a/6a01053653b3c7970b0263e997006f200b-800wi

awp_101

10-07-2021, 11:20 AM

A rare archival image of awp_101

https://www.beachamjournal.com/.a/6a01053653b3c7970b0263e997006f200b-800wi
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

Moylan

10-07-2021, 11:36 AM

My kids went to a corn maze yesterday. The 10 year old, in the maze, tells his buddies, "I guess we're in cornantine."

I'm so proud.

awp_101

10-07-2021, 05:02 PM

My kids went to a corn maze yesterday. The 10 year old, in the maze, tells his buddies, "I guess we're in cornantine."

I'm so proud.

We gotta get out of this wheat field Mabel, we’re going against the grain

awp_101

10-07-2021, 05:03 PM

This one probably won’t win me any friends. Unless your anti-Earnhardt…

I’m thinking about getting a tattoo of Dale Earnhardt as the lead singer of Pink Floyd. Seems fitting since both of their final hits were the wall.

Darth_Uno

10-07-2021, 05:07 PM

So this gorilla dies at a zoo. But it's a small zoo, and he's their second biggest attraction besides the lion.

They tell a worker, we'll give you $500 a week to wear a gorilla costume and act like a gorilla all day.

After about a month, they say this isn't working. We want you to climb out of the gorilla cage and swing around over the lion.

So the guy tries it, but falls from the vines down into the lion pit.

"Help! Help! Get me out of here!" says the poor guy.

The lion pounces on him and says, "Shut the hell up or you're gonna get us both fired."

beenalongtime

10-08-2021, 08:50 AM

How was it learned that you can't squeeze blood from a turnip? vegitarian vampire.

Paul D

10-08-2021, 09:17 AM

RoyGBiv

10-08-2021, 03:38 PM

Ewwww

Darth_Uno

10-10-2021, 12:11 PM

A guy goes to the doctor for his annual physical...

Doctor: You have to stop masturbating.

Patient: Really? For how long?

Doctor: At least until I'm done with the prostate exam.

Sent from my moto g(7) using Tapatalk

Just heard this one at work.

A guy goes in for his prostate exam.

Doctor says, "Just so you know, this will likely cause an erection."

"Well, that's science and all. I'll be alright."

"I wasn't talking about you."

Bigguy

10-10-2021, 02:26 PM

Just heard this one at work.

A guy goes in for his prostate exam.

Doctor says, "Just so you know, this will likely cause an erection."

"Well, that's science and all. I'll be alright."

"I wasn't talking about you."
What RoyGBiv said.

Paul D

10-10-2021, 02:37 PM

JohnO

10-10-2021, 02:56 PM

This guy goes to the doctor due to a wicked headache that’s been hanging around for over a week.
He asks the doc if he could provide something to make it go away.
The doc has just purchased a new diagnostic machine (similar to those used to diagnose car problems, except this one diagnoses humans), and he’s been dying to try it out on his first patient.

He says to the guy “not only will this thing tell you what’s wrong with you, but it will even prescribe a remedy. All you need to do is provide a urine sample, which I will then pour into this funnel at the top."

The guy does as instructed, the doc pours the sample into the analyzer, then after about 20 seconds of beeping noises, buzzing, and flashing lights the machine spits out a piece of paper into the bottom tray.
The doc picks up the paper, reads it, and then says, “you have tennis elbow”.
The guy says, “that doesn’t make sense. I don’t even play tennis, and my elbow feels fine. My head on the other hand is fucking killing me…”

At this point the doc interrupts and says, “nonsense, this device doesn’t lie. I want you to go home and soak that elbow overnight and then come back and see me tomorrow morning, and don’t forget to bring another urine sample with you.”

The guy leaves, but on the way home decides that this doctor is full of shit.
He then has an idea.
Once home, he finds a mason jar and deposits a small urine sample into it.
He then gets his wife, daughter, and dog to also make a contribution.
Not satisfied with this he scrapes some oil off the garage floor under where his car is parked and drops that into the mix, and for the icing on the cake he chokes his chicken long enough to get the desired results, drops that into the jar, seals the lid, and then gives the concoction a good shake.
“There ya go, doc. Stick that up your computer!”

Next morning he hands the doc the jar.
Doc pours the contents into the machine.
This time it takes a full 10 minutes for the paper to drop.
Doc picks it up and begins reading: “Your wife’s pregnant, your daughter’s fucking the entire football team at Richmond High, your Doberman has rabies, your Volvo needs an oil change, and if you don’t quit spanking your monkey you’ll never get rid of this tennis elbow!”

Stephanie B

10-12-2021, 06:59 AM

A foodie was touring South America. He was visiting a city in Peru and went into a local restaurant. He looked over the menu and asked the waiter what was the house special.

"Senor, we have a dish we call the Matador's Special. But it is only available when there are bullfights at the arena."

"When is that," the foodie asked.

"Tomorrow, Senor."

The foodie came back the next day and ordered the Matador's Special. The dish was two large lumps of sauteed meat on a bed of seasoned rice. It was delicious, one of the best meals that he had eaten in this trip. As he paid the check, he asked the waiter what sort of meat was in the dish.

The waiter said: "The meat? It was the testicles of the bull from the fight today."

"Well, it was fantastic. Will there be another bullfight tomorrow?"

"Yes, Senor, there will be."

So the next day, the foodie was at the restaurant and ordered the Matador's Special. When the dish was served, there were two small bits of meat.

The foodie called the waiter over. He pointed at the plate and said: "Yesterday, when I ordered the special, there were two large pieces of meat. Today, the pieces are a lot smaller. What happened."

The waiter sighed. "Ah, Senor, you have to understand, sometimes, the bull, he does not lose."

awp_101

10-14-2021, 05:09 PM

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye...

I had to break up with her because I was always worried she was seeing someone on the side.

awp_101

10-15-2021, 02:42 PM

Why should you never date a tennis player?

Love means nothing to them.

awp_101

10-21-2021, 09:03 AM

I was in a job interview yesterday and the interviewer asked if I can perform under pressure.

I said “No, but I can do a killer Bohemian Rhapsody.”

johnson

10-21-2021, 08:58 PM

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew. After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.

Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says “I’m sorry, but I just can’t hold back anymore. How did you get your peg leg?”

The captain says “arr, ‘twas me first day at see as a young lad. A great big swell came from the sea and knocked me overboard. Before me crew could pull me out, a giant one eyed fish swam up and bit off me leg.”

The man goes “That sounds terrible! What happened to your hand?”

The captain says “arr, ‘twas me second day at sea. Another great big swell came from the sea and knocked me overboard. Before me crew could pull me up, the giant one eyed fish swam up and bit off my hand.”

The man tells the captain it sounds like the fish has it out for him, and asks what happens to his eye.

The Captain says “arr, ‘twas me third day at see. I was looking up at the sky when a bird came and shat in me eye”

The man says “and that’s how you lost your eye?”

The captain responds “no, but twas me first day with the hook”

johnson

10-24-2021, 01:46 PM

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch and told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

awp_101

10-25-2021, 11:15 AM

Boss, “How good are you at Power Point?”

Me, “I excel at it.”

Boss, “Was that a Microsoft Office pun?”

Me, “Word.”

DDTSGM

10-25-2021, 12:33 PM

What do you get when you cross a Collie and a Cantaloupe?

A Melon-Collie baby.

Wondering Beard

10-28-2021, 11:05 PM

In the countryside, they have a different perception of things:

A farmer goes to one of his neighbors and
knock at the door.

A boy of about 9 opens the door.
"Is your father here?" "
"No sir, he went to town."
"Is your mother here?" "
"No sir, she's with my father in town." "
"And your brother, is he here?" "
“No sir, he went to the fields with the tractor. "
The farmer stands there for a few minutes grumbling between his teeth.
"If it's to borrow something sir, I know where the
tools, or I can send a message if that helps.
"
"Well," said the farmer, "I really wanted to talk to your father at
About the fact that your older brother made my daughter Suzie pregnant. "
The boy thinks for a moment and says:
“We'll have to talk about this with my father. I know it takes 500
dollars for the bull and 50 dollars for the goat, but for my brother,
I don't know the price ".

DDTSGM

10-29-2021, 12:18 AM

What do you call a melon that cant get married?

Cantaloupe

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

NWshooter

10-29-2021, 10:07 AM

What are Michael Jackson’s preferred pronouns?

He He!!!!

beenalongtime

10-31-2021, 04:07 PM

It's Halloween...

I just picked up a thousand rounds of ammo......

I was just asked if I am expecting a lot of trick or treaters from the hood.

awp_101

11-09-2021, 07:12 PM

What do you call an antivaxxer disguised as their ex wife’s nanny?

Mrs. Doubt-Pfizer.

DDTSGM

11-09-2021, 08:52 PM

Karl Marx is a historically significant philosopher, but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol....

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

Guerrero

11-10-2021, 08:41 AM

79696

I heard a similar joke when I was in engineering school:

A car containing a manager, a mechanical engineer, and a software engineer runs off the road.

The manager says, "We need to come up with a strategy, inform the stake-holders, and write down a project plan."

The mechanical engineer says, "That has never worked. I have my Swiss army knife, let me strip down the brakes, get them working again, and we'll be on our way."

The software engineer says, "Hmm. Let's push the car back up on the road and see if it happens again..."

Funny, but true, and I'm a software guy.

RoyGBiv

11-12-2021, 09:23 AM

Got a laugh in the mail from ARFCOM this morning....

JOE BIDEN VOTED 6TH BEST PRESIDENT!

I know you will find this hard to believe, but . . . from a total of 46 US Presidents, Biden is rated as the 6th best. The Texas A&M's Public Relations Office released this statement: "After just 7 months in office, Americans have rated President Biden the 6th best President ever."

These are the Details on the Ratings, according to Texas A&M:

1. Reagan, Lincoln, and Trump tied for first,

2. Twenty-three presidents tied for second,

3. Seventeen other presidents tied for third,

4. Jimmy Carter came in fourth,

5. Barack Hussein Obama came in fifth, and

6. Joe Biden came in sixth.

RobertG

11-12-2021, 02:01 PM

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."

He asks, "Whose is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

Andy in NH

11-12-2021, 05:23 PM

The man who invented the ferris wheel and the man who invented the merry-go-round never met.

They traveled in different circles.

Stephanie B

11-13-2021, 10:59 AM

A boy walked into a whorehouse. He was carrying a dead dog. He walked up to the bartender, put down the dog, slapped $200 on the bar and said: "I want to sleep with a whore who has a bad case of the clap."

The bartender said: "Your money, your choice, kid," and sent him upstairs.

Afterwards, the kid came down and sat at the bar. The bartender gave him a complimentary drink and said: "Kid, if you don't mind my asking, why'd you want to screw a diseased whore."

The kid said: "On Saturday, I'm going to sleep with the babysitter. She'll sleep with my father. My dad will sleep with my mom, and my mom will sleep with the milkman." The kid drew a breath and continued: "And he's the sonovabitch that ran over my dog!"

DDTSGM

11-15-2021, 12:26 PM

Hope this works:

It did not, maybe this one will:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-A4LzA08po

awp_101

12-17-2021, 07:52 PM

I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.

I’M LIVID!

5pins

12-19-2021, 12:59 PM

What do you call a psychic gnome that escaped from prison?

A little medium at large.

O4L

12-19-2021, 01:34 PM

What do you call a psychic gnome that escaped from prison?

A small medium at large. [emoji16]

DDTSGM

12-20-2021, 12:18 AM

Wife: Did I get fat during quarantine?

Husband: You were never really skinny.

Time of Death: 4/25/20 @ 11:23PM

Cause of Death: Corona Virus

awp_101

12-20-2021, 10:36 PM

My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus.

Not only was I shocked, I was aghast, appalled, and dismayed.

Totem Polar

01-02-2022, 09:51 PM

Sherlock Holmes and John Watson are sitting around the fire, having a brandy (and, likely, a sniff of cocaine –legal in Holmes’ time…) after cracking the biggest case in their career. Watson says to Holmes, “You were just magnificent, Holmes, simply brilliant tonight!” To which the famed sleuth replied, “Oh, I couldn’t have managed very well without you, my dear Watson…”

There is a moment of awkward silence as the sentence hangs in the air until Watson finally blurts, “Holmes, I think I am in love with you!” Not at all taken aback, Holmes simply replies, “And I with you Watson. And I with you!”

Giddy with excitement, the two crime fighters make their way up the stairs together, but not before Holmes grabs a lemon meringue pie from the kitchen window sill, where it was cooling.

Later that night, Holmes and Watson are laying together, exhausted.

“That was simply incredible, Holmes” Watson murmurs, “but I have to ask; why the pie?”

“Lemon entry, my dear Watson… Lemon entry.”

JohnO

01-02-2022, 10:06 PM

Totem Polar

01-02-2022, 10:16 PM

A lady is sitting on the park bench beside the playground, with one eye on her kid, and one in her romance novel. Little Johnny comes running up and asks breathlessly, “Mommy! What is it called when one person climbs on top of another when they go to sleep?”

“Never mind that, Johnny, go back and play some more.”

A few minutes of reading pass by and here is Johnny again:
“No, really Mommy, I really want to know. What do you call it when one person is on top of another when they are sleeping?”

With a sigh, mom musters her courage and replies, “It’s called sexual intercourse. It’s what adults do when they are friends. Now go back and play, and we’ll talk about this later!”

Not two minutes go by before Johnny is back, protesting loudly.
“You were wrong, mommy! It’s called Bunk Beds, and Timmy’s Mom wants to talk to you right away!!!”

Totem Polar

01-02-2022, 10:41 PM

Q: Y'all know the difference between a really poor marksman and a constipated Owl?

-
-
-

A: The marksman shoots and shoots and shoots, but never hits...

;)

Totem Polar

01-02-2022, 11:28 PM

A guy goes in to the doctor complaining about serious problems with flatulence.
The doc tells him to get undressed and that he'll be right back.

A few moments later, the doc comes back in carrying a long pole with a small metal hook at one end.

Terrified, the guy stammers, "what are you planning to do with that thing, doc?"

"I'm going to open a window", says the doc, "it freakin' stinks in here..."

Bigguy

01-12-2022, 08:38 PM

A guy is interviewing for a trucking company. The final question goes like this.
"You’re headed down a steep mountain and your air-breaks go out. You pull the emergency stop lever, but the belt doesn’t deploy. You’ve passed the last emergency pull off a quarter mile back. There are several sharp curves, but if you make it past them, there is a busy intersection at the bottom of the hill. You can see traffic backed up through the intersection with a couple of 18 wheelers carrying flammable and toxic cargo. What do you do?"
Trucker says, “I wake up my Willie, my relief driver.”
The interviewer looks surprised and asks, “What good will that do?”
“Whelp,” says the trucker. “I ain’t sure it’d do any good, but Willie ain’t never seen a wreck like we’re about to have.”

Bart Carter

01-12-2022, 09:29 PM

When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

Andy in NH

01-13-2022, 06:10 AM

I'm going to start sleeping on old magazines.

I have back issues.

That Guy

01-13-2022, 06:46 AM

Our daughter was at a birthday party yesterday. That night, after she had gone to bed, I was watching the game on TV when she snuck out of her bedroom and came to the living room. She tugged on my shirt sleeve and asked, "Daddy, do you know how old I am going to be next month?" I replied, "I don't know sweetheart. How old?" She smiled a beautiful, happy smile and raised four cute little fingers.

It is now the next morning, and she still refuses to say where she got them from.

Bart Carter

01-13-2022, 11:29 AM

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."

SiriusBlunder

01-24-2022, 09:08 PM

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing.” She then said, "That's what you did yesterday!”

I replied, "I wasn't done , so I'm in the middle of finishing right now.”

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: "Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?" Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child.”

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.

DDTSGM

01-31-2022, 03:52 PM

Why do Auburn fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.

How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course.

How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.

Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird." The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?" (To be fair he could have been a trap shooter)

What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise."

How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend? There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

What do you get when you put 32 Kentucky cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.

The University of Michigan Coach is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week. The other half will have to dress themselves.

How is the Kansas football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

How do you get a former University of Miami football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

awp_101

02-07-2022, 09:14 AM

I heard that by law you have to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

Andy in NH

02-07-2022, 10:20 PM

I've been told that reincarnation is making a comeback.

Darth_Uno

02-08-2022, 04:11 PM

Most people are reincarnated. Marines get a reboot.

Stephanie B

02-17-2022, 10:28 AM

Fellow from West Virginia was stopped by Highway Patrol. Trooper asked: "You got any ID?"

Driver responded: " 'bout what?"

scjbash

02-17-2022, 08:20 PM

I can't even be offended because it's 100% accurate.

Fellow from West Virginia was stopped by Highway Patrol. Trooper asked: "You got any ID?"

Driver responded: " 'bout what?"

02-17-2022, 08:33 PM

Fellow from West Virginia was stopped by Highway Patrol. Trooper asked: "You got any ID?"

Driver responded: " 'bout what?"

I have a buddy who lives in Weirton in northern WV. When he tells a West Virginia joke he starts with; "there was this guy from Lower West Virginia".

scjbash

02-17-2022, 10:07 PM

I have a buddy who lives in Weirton in northern WV. When he tells a West Virginia joke he starts with; "there was this guy from Lower West Virginia".

I think if the rest of the state could vote on it we'd happily donate the northern panhandle to Pennsylvania.

JAD

03-10-2022, 05:35 PM

In Russia they used to have a ten year wait to obtain an automobile (it may be worse now).

A man goes in to put down his money and the guy in charge says, OK, come back in ten years to pick it up.

Buyer says, "morning, or afternoon?"

Guy says, "it's ten years, what difference does it make?"

Buyer says, "well, the plumber is coming in the morning."

5pins

03-11-2022, 05:33 AM

A friend of mine complains all the time about his life. He has sex three times a day, works out twice a day, and reads two books a week. But for some reason, he hates prison.

Stephanie B

03-11-2022, 08:07 AM

I think if the rest of the state could vote on it we'd happily donate the northern panhandle to Pennsylvania.

I'll bet that you'd have to pay them to take it off your hands.

Stephanie B

03-11-2022, 08:16 AM

A member of the Politburo died. There was a lavish public funeral, with a large procession through Red Square, including marching formation of soldiers, bands playing somber music and funeral flower cars.

A man watching the procession shook his head, sighed, and said: "What a waste. For the money they're spending on this, they could have buried the entire Politburo."

NWshooter

03-11-2022, 08:58 AM

https://youtu.be/2QOIRuc6sZU

Rick R

03-11-2022, 09:14 AM

I'll bet that you'd have to pay them to take it off your hands.

There had to be at least one jug of moonshine involved in the committee that defined WV’s state boundaries, and possibly some revenge.

DDTSGM

03-13-2022, 05:35 PM

A guy walks into the lumberyard and asks for some 2x4's.

The clerk asks 'How long do you need them?'

The guy answers 'A long time, we're gonna build a house.'

A friend suggested putting horse manure on my strawberries.....I'm never doing that again, I'll be going back to whipped cream.

OlongJohnson

03-22-2022, 10:06 PM

Totem Polar

From the Aussie regional forum joke thread on a bike site:

A mate told me he’d failed his aboriginal music exam.

I said didja re-do it?

Which reminds me, did you get that Husky 401?

Totem Polar

03-22-2022, 10:16 PM

Totem Polar

From the Aussie regional forum joke thread on a bike site:

A mate told me he’d failed his aboriginal music exam.

I said didja re-do it?

Which reminds me, did you get that Husky 401?

I am so stealing that gag. :D

And, no—nothing new and 2-wheeled in the garage as of yet.

0ddl0t

03-28-2022, 02:41 PM

What did Chris Rock find on his face this morning?

Fresh Prints

awp_101

03-28-2022, 02:54 PM

My wife was upset I didn’t buy her flowers. I told her I was shocked, I didn’t know she sold flowers.

Darth_Uno

03-28-2022, 03:34 PM

This kid working on the farm says, "Dad, what should we name the new piglets?"

"Never name something you might have to kill."

"Oh...I guess that makes sense."

"Glad you understand, son #4."

Andy in NH

03-28-2022, 04:42 PM

Do you know why the Russian alphabet is in all lower case letters?

They don't like Capitalism.

DDTSGM

03-28-2022, 10:39 PM

Why did the blonde nurse take a red magic marker to work?

In case she had to draw blood.

Where did the Terminator find toilet paper?

Aisle B. back.

awp_101

03-29-2022, 03:13 PM

In a safety meeting at work today I was asked what steps I would take in a fire.

Apparently “really big and fast ones” was not the right answer.

Andy in NH

03-29-2022, 03:33 PM

In a room of 100 people, 99 of them won't slap you for insulting their wife.

But one Will.

P30

03-29-2022, 03:49 PM

https://uhrforum.de/data/attachments/4033/4033577-0f3bdd207e6df69708ca7f766e598cff.jpg

awp_101

04-05-2022, 09:39 AM

This morning I was playing air drums to Metallica in my car but I accidentally dropped a stick out my window.

So I had to switch to Def Leppard.

Totem Polar

04-05-2022, 09:49 AM

This morning I was playing air drums to Metallica in my car but I accidentally dropped a stick out my window.

So I had to switch to Def Leppard.

I’m surprised that a P-F’er was driving around unarmed.

04-05-2022, 09:55 AM

...that is just so....did you then Rock-Rock till you drop
This morning I was playing air drums to Metallica in my car but I accidentally dropped a stick out my window.

So I had to switch to Def Leppard.

awp_101

04-05-2022, 09:59 AM

I’m surprised that a P-F’er was driving around unarmed.
I have a pretty disarming personality.

...that is just so....did you then Rock-Rock till you drop

No, just until I was high and dry.

Andy in NH

04-05-2022, 03:40 PM

This morning I was playing air drums to Metallica in my car but I accidentally dropped a stick out my window.

So I had to switch to Def Leppard.

Makes it hard to play "the sting" after your own joke!

https://youtu.be/ObpcGNCU944

P30

04-07-2022, 01:33 PM

https://uhrforum.de/data/attachments/4033/4033577-0f3bdd207e6df69708ca7f766e598cff.jpg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTKgud4RTv4

OlongJohnson

04-09-2022, 11:13 PM

Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spot a red phone and ask what it is for.

The devil says it is for calling back to earth.

Putin asks to use the phone to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.

When he is finished, the devil informs him the cost is a million dollars and Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.

When she is finished, the devil informs her the cost is 6 million dollars, and she writes him a check.

Finally, Donald Trump gets his turn and talks for four hours.

When he is finished, the devil informs him the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Trump got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies “Since Biden took over, the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call."

Wondering Beard

04-10-2022, 10:47 PM

So a guy goes to visit his friend in the hospital.
His friend is an absolute mess, his arms and legs are in casts, he's bandaged all over, can barely talk, drinks and eats from a straw, all sorts of IVs going into his arm ... well you can imagine.

Our guy asks:"what the hell happened to you?"
With a croaking voice, the friend replies:"I got hit by a police motorcycle"
"OMG, that's horrible!, well at least now you're ..."
"Wait!, that's not all"
"Really?"
"Yeah, I was trying to get up and then I got hit by a bus"
"That's terrible! so, at least ..."
"Wait!, that's not all"
"What?"
"When I tired to get up again, I got hit by a plane"
"WHAT? How in ??? that's horrifying!"
"But that's not all, when I tried to get up again, I got hit by a submarine"
"Wait, no .. that's not right, it's the morphine getting to you, do you have witnesses?"
"Yeah, the operator of the carousel"

Stephanie B

04-13-2022, 09:39 PM

87405

awp_101

05-01-2022, 05:29 PM

88258

awp_101

05-03-2022, 03:12 PM

88367

Stephanie B

05-04-2022, 01:32 PM

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

luckyman

05-04-2022, 03:02 PM

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20220504/1b8c2f6d58689a4b4fcbac782c0dfaab.jpg

Darth_Uno

05-04-2022, 06:33 PM

Redneck spelling bee:

A little boy was in the spelling bee and he was given the word Obama.

"Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Ah sure can. Last night I bought a case of beer and drank it Obama self."

awp_101

05-14-2022, 12:31 PM

Bob couldn’t believe it when he got fired from the calendar company.

All he did was take a day off…

Kanye Wyoming

05-17-2022, 07:00 PM

Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.

So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

-Is Crimea ours?

-Yes, it is.

-And the Donbas?

-Also ours.

-And Kyiv?

-We got that too.

Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:

-Thanks, how much do I owe you?

-5 euros.

awp_101

05-21-2022, 01:53 PM

89163

Guerrero

06-02-2022, 09:39 AM

Did you know that you could buy iron and carbon together as an alloy?

It's a steel!

Malamute

06-05-2022, 09:37 AM

Stolen from the pirate joke thread on adv

Doing the rounds in Russia - quietly, of course......................

Wife to Husband "Whats this 'Special Military Operation' our great leader keeps telling us about?"

"It is a proxy war, held in Ukraine, between Russia and NATO." he replied.

She made further enquiry "And how is it going?"

He replied "Well, we have lost 24,000 troops, 2,000 tanks, 200 aircraft, many helicopters, loads of armoured personell carriers and artillery pieces plus our flagship of the Black Sea Fleet."

"Wow - thats a lot. What about NATO?" she asked.

"They have not turned up yet" he replied.............................

awp_101

06-17-2022, 12:34 PM

I was in the office today and the cleaning lady asked if I wanted to smoke weed with her. I declined. I don’t really like high maintenance women.

Bigguy

06-17-2022, 07:45 PM

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:

"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.

If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.

Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

awp_101

06-19-2022, 03:37 PM

The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song but The Chick Peas can only hummus one.

Stephanie B

06-20-2022, 12:12 PM

This is an oldie, I know:

Sergey Victorovich Chemezov, one of Russia’s leading oligarchs and a colleague of Vladimir Putin’s from their time in the KGB, paid Putin a visit to see how he is holding up under the strains of the Ukrainian “special military operation.” After the initial greetings, Chemezov asked how he was doing.

“Ah, Sergey Victorovich, it has been difficult. All I do is read the reports of my generals and issue order that may not be obeyed. I don’t know if this is all worth it,” Putin sighed.

“Come with me, Vladimir Vladimirovich, I have something to show you,” Chemezov said.

They left Putin’s office and went to the Ostankino Tower, also known as the Moscow Television Tower, the tallest structure in Europe. Putin and Chemzov took the elevator up to the top floor and then took a special maintenance elevator the rest of the way up. There, they stepped out on a small balcony.

“Look around you, Vladimir Vladimirovich,” Chemsov said. “This is the greatest city in the world. Within the sight of your eyes are tens of millions of Russians who will do your bidding. They will lay down their lives for you if you command it.”

Putin grasped the railing and looked out. “I know, Sergey, but do the people love and respect me or do they fear me?”

Chemsov said: “That, I do not know.”

Putin asked: “I want them to love me. How can I reach their hearts and make them love me?”

Chemsov thought for a minute and then offered a suggestion: “Well, you could jump.”

Darth_Uno

07-10-2022, 09:11 AM

How do you know Jesus was a carpenter?

We’ve been calling every week and he still hasn’t come back.

P30

07-10-2022, 10:17 AM

A human talks to an alien from Proxima centauri. Alien says: "Jesus visits us every year. We give him strawberry cake, coffee and cookies."

Human: "Wow, the last time he visited us is 2000 years ago." Alien: "What did you give him?"

Bart Carter

07-11-2022, 04:32 PM

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic. A carload of scruffy-bearded, young men shouting Anti-American slogans with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember George Floyd" slogan spray painted on the side was stopped next to me. Suddenly they yelled, "Defund the police." and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man... that coulda been me!" So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

Bigguy

07-14-2022, 02:28 PM

91524

Andy in NH

07-14-2022, 04:44 PM

91524

Great Sci Fi movie!

Them! (1954)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CugQcmapiwc

Kanye Wyoming

07-17-2022, 06:14 PM

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to Toronto and i'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to Toronto and i'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, i'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, i'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her, 'first class isn't going to Toronto."

DDTSGM

07-21-2022, 04:35 PM

Probably most of you don't know I'm a hobby rancher. I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

P30

07-21-2022, 06:08 PM

Just found this in a German gun forum (https://forum.waffen-online.de/topic/464544-biden-als-pr%C3%A4sident/?do=findComment&comment=3390204). Not in the jokes but in the politics section. I also think, it's serious. But gallows humor is also important. To avoid missunderstandings: I like former US president Trump, at least prefer him big time over Biden.

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FYMvDGuXoAAqXRV?format=jpg&name=small

RoyGBiv

07-22-2022, 01:32 AM

P30

07-22-2022, 03:32 AM

I am sad...

There you can register quickly, then it'll work:

forum.waffen-online.de/register (https://forum.waffen-online.de/register/)

You can enter fake data. Only e-mail address must be one where you receive mail.

Darth_Uno

08-03-2022, 03:50 PM

A young actor was trying to get his break in the business. After several auditions and rejections, he finally got a role in a play.

"All you gotta do," said the manger, "is pick up a rose with your thumb and finger, bring it to your nose and say 'Ah, the scent of my beloved.' ".

"Thumb and finger. Rose. Scent of my beloved. Got it."

He was so excited he called his parents. "I got a line, 'Ah the scent of my beloved.' ".

To celebrate he went out that night, and told everyone he met, "I'm in a play, I say 'Ah the scent of my beloved.' ".

When he got to the theater, security had never seen him before. He said, "I'm the 'scent of my beloved' guy."

He finally got on stage, brought his hand up, and said, "Ah, the scent of my beloved.' ".

"You idiot! You blew it!" the manager told him backstage.

"What are you talking about, I said my line perfectly!"

"Yeah, but you forgot the rose!"

DDTSGM

08-03-2022, 10:05 PM

An elderly couple was watching a televangelist broadcast. The sermon was on Jesus's healing powers. The evangelist said, 'and now, if you will place your hand on the television, and place the other hand or your afflicted area, through the power of Jesus Christ in me you will be healed.'

The women rose, and placed her hand on the TV, her other hand went to here arthritic shoulder. She glanced over and saw that her husband had also placed his hand on the TV. She saw that his other hand was at his groin. Sharply she said, 'Dick, he said heal infirmities, not raise the dead.'

P30

08-05-2022, 03:02 PM

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FZK0I9UXkAAxE1Z?format=jpg&name=small

https://www.hornoxe.com/wp-content/picdumps/picdump789/thumbs/thumbs_picdump789_111.jpg

awp_101

08-17-2022, 04:11 PM

Guess who I bumped into today at the optometrist office?

Everyone.

Bart Carter

08-22-2022, 12:04 PM

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”

She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that – you have to be single and you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK,” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Steve and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

Kanye Wyoming

08-27-2022, 11:01 AM

Moishe invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful Moishe's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Moishe and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Moishe and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Moishe volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Julie came to Moishe and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?'” Moishe said, “Well, I doubt it but I’ll write her an email just to be sure.”

So he sat down and wrote, “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house and I’m not saying you did not take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”

A few days later Moishe received an email from his mother which read, “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you do sleep with Julie and I’m not saying that you do not sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.”

oakdalecurtis

08-27-2022, 11:47 AM

I asked my date what she thought about intimacy. She said she liked it "infrequently". I said "Is that one word or two?"

DDTSGM

08-30-2022, 05:27 PM

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with. She said yes, all the rest were nines and tens...

Husband: I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my grandmother.

Wife: Why does it say 'Do not resuscitate?'

Even after all this time my wife still finds me sexy. Whenever I pass by, she says 'What an ass.'

jtcarm

08-31-2022, 04:14 PM

Husband rolls over in bed and asks his wife for sex.

Wife says “Sorry, honey, I’m seeing my gynecologist tomorrow, and I’d just feel too weird.”

A few minutes later, husband rolls over again and asks “Honey, you don’t have a dentist appointment tomorrow, do you?”

Gun Mutt

09-18-2022, 07:18 AM

I've not the search-fu nor inclination to find the original posts, but somewhere on P-F, this exchange exists:

jetfire: something, something, trolling conservative P-Fers, something, something.
Me: blah, blah, something or other, "...but one day we're gonna share some bourbon."
jetfire: Damn right, 'cause you know who doesn't like bourbon? Terrorists!

I laugh when I read this and share it aloud with my wife & then 3yr old son who's listening to us and laughing with us. It becomes a running punchline in our home; you know who doesn't like, puppies/trees/pb&j/Spiderman/ad nauseum...terrorists! I really get a kick out of getting him to say the punchline in inappropriate public situations...so yeah, total Dad humor.

Anyway, all that to share this from last weekend:

My now 5.75yr old Son: Dad, you know who doesn't like pizza flavored dog treats?
Me, driving: Huh, what, have you eaten dog treats?
Son: Don't really answer the question, Dad, just say, "Who?"
Me: Gotcha
Son: You know who doesn't like pizza flavored dog treats?
Me: Who doesn't like pizza flavored dog treats?
Son: Terrorist's dogs!

I belly laughed and marveled at the cognitive progression it took for him to comprehend and purposefully craft and save this joke until he could share it with me. He asked me this week if I'd told anyone his very own joke, I assured him I had. He continued exasperatedly, but Dad...have you typed it yet?? So there you go, P-F, from my young son, Conan, for you...

UNK

10-13-2022, 11:58 PM

Why cant orphans play baseball?…

They dont know where home is.

oakdalecurtis

10-14-2022, 12:56 AM

I’m never donating again to people that do marathons.
They just take my money and run…..

Darth_Uno

10-14-2022, 07:07 AM

A pretty young lady wanted to go to Paris and be a model, but couldn't afford to go. A handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said: "I'll make you a deal. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded 'yes.' That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe."

"Lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

UNK

10-16-2022, 08:03 PM

Did you know theres more unsolved murders in Alabama than any other State?
No! Why is that??
Same DNA and no dental records.

UNK

11-23-2022, 10:22 PM

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 5 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice 🙂

Shoresy

12-09-2022, 02:47 PM

If your car has steel rims then every time you put it in drive you’re riding a ferrous wheel.

Totem Polar

12-09-2022, 05:19 PM

What’s the difference between a car tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year!

What is the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years your job still sucks.

What is six inches long, two inches wide, and gets everyone excited?

A $100 bill.

What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor!

Stephanie B

12-11-2022, 06:28 PM

I don’t mean to be a Grinch, however.... to those of you who are placing Christmas lights and decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has Red and Blue flashing lights together!! Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack!

I have to brake hard, toss my margarita out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

Gun Mutt

12-11-2022, 06:44 PM

^^^^A-HA-HAAA-HAAAA-Haaaaha-hahahahahahaha!! I forgot what thread I'd clicked, but I knew I was reading Stephanie B's post...I'm fekking dyin' over here!

5pins

12-12-2022, 07:11 PM

What did the left boob say to the right boob?

If we keep sagging like this, they will call us nuts.

Totem Polar

01-16-2023, 12:41 PM

A guy and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over 11 years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be at the shop?" the man asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," he said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped in the car and drove to the shoe shop. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these."

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding," the customer called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time?"

The man came back to the counter, empty handed. "They'll be ready on Thursday," he said calmly.

P30

03-04-2023, 07:06 AM

https://uhrforum.de/data/attachments/4800/4800596-9f7980991b6dfaf08a20852393e61624.jpg

https://www.hornoxe.com/wp-content/picdumps/picdump814/thumbs/thumbs_picdump814_004.jpg

Darth_Uno

03-04-2023, 03:33 PM

I started a band called the Megabytes.

We still haven't gotten a gig.

Bigguy

03-28-2023, 02:42 PM

103061

theJanitor

03-28-2023, 02:51 PM

What is six inches long, two inches wide, and gets everyone excited?

A $100 bill.

What's got 40 teeth and holds back a monster?

My zipper

That Guy

04-22-2023, 07:03 AM

More of a random quote from the Internet, but I guess this is the best place for it:

"Rage Against the Machine never specified what type of machine they were furious with but I reckon it was probably a printer."

Darth_Uno

04-22-2023, 09:59 PM

Just broke up with my girlfriend for being Communist. I can’t believe I missed all the red flags.

Glenn E. Meyer

04-23-2023, 12:39 PM

Was she a party girl?

gringop

04-23-2023, 02:17 PM

Just broke up with my girlfriend for being Communist. I can’t believe I missed all the red flags.

You was just stallin'.

Gringop

CSW

04-23-2023, 03:05 PM

Was she a party girl?

You might have hit it right on the Marx.

DDTSGM

05-01-2023, 10:35 PM

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me...

So she fetched the Bible and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

Darth_Uno

05-03-2023, 01:46 PM

A guy went on a business, and forgot his travel bag.

He went to the store and said, "I need a toothbrush, toothpaste, and deodorant."

Clerk asked, "Do you want stick or ball deodorant?"

"Actually, it's for my armpits."

Stephanie B

05-17-2023, 08:47 AM

104786

Andy in NH

05-17-2023, 08:11 PM

If you spell the words "absolutely nothing" backwards, you get "gnihton yletulosba..."

... which ironically means absolutely nothing.

rcbusmc24

05-18-2023, 07:32 AM

104786

it's still a acceptable trade....:p

Andy in NH

05-25-2023, 03:04 PM

Here's a question for all you mind readers out there...

Half Moon

05-25-2023, 03:08 PM

Here's a question for all you mind readers out there...

42.

Andy in NH

05-25-2023, 03:29 PM

42.

Damn it! :D

Clusterfrack

06-04-2023, 11:01 AM

At the IDPA match yesterday, there was discussion between the shooter, his buddy, and the SO about a target with only one hole in the wide -3 zone (D zone for USPSA people). Was it a double or a miss?

Buddy [fingering the wood splinters behind the hole]: "It's hard to tell but I think it's a double..."

SO: "DON'T TOUCH THE TARGET!'

Me: "That's not cool. You don't shoot a guy in the stick (https://youtu.be/20vZstcFDAs?t=33). Also, never touch another man's hole."