Jokes. The good the bad and the ugly.

[jtcarm]

A cow, a pig and a chicken go to a barbecue.







THE END

[CSW]

A cow, a pig and a chicken go to a barbecue.

The end






I have a t shirt with that on it. Got it for father's day last year

[FrankB]

It’s two minutes, and I’m still laughing from 4 days ago!


https://youtu.be/iRNsNG3YO64

[Andy in NH]

They told me I would never be good a poetry because I was dyslexic.

Well, the joke is on them because I've already made a vase and a cup - ha!

[5pins]

They told me I would never be good a poetry because I was dyslexic.

Well, the joke is on them because I've already made a vase and a cup - ha!

dyslexics of the world untie!

[Andrew E]

dyslexics of the world untie!

Did you ever hear about the insomniac dyslexic agnostic?

He would lie awake at night wondering if there was a dog.

[Lex Luthier]

That deplorable condition where you can’t sleep so you stay up eating

Insom-nom-nom-nom-nia

[DDTSGM]

It’s two minutes, and I’m still laughing from 4 days ago!


https://youtu.be/iRNsNG3YO64

You have to watch/listen for the punch line if you haven't already.

[FrankB]

https://youtube.com/shorts/hqboyGc7oXE?feature=share

105723

[Stephanie B]

dyslexics of the world untie!

And go flying!

105731

[Totem Polar]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman driving, who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes, and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."

[Tokarev]

dyslexics of the world untie! Hey, ma. The school counselor told me I got lexdysia!

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

[Andy in NH]

Read this sentence backwards:

"Are you as bored as I am?"

It still makes sense.

[Bigguy]

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[Bigguy]

A guy from up north movs to Texas:

Dear Diary: June 1st: Just moved to Texas! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an Air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th: Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ole sun in a climate like this.
July 20th: I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and ****s. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ole Mr. Sun strikes again.
July 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th: Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?
Aug. 4th: It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.
Aug. 8th: If another wise a** cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
Aug. 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.
Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a da*n recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do **** for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.
Aug. 14th: Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

[Bigguy]

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[Stephanie B]

A guy from up north movs to Texas:

Dear Diary: June 1st: Just moved to Texas! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an Air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th: Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ole sun in a climate like this.
July 20th: I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and ****s. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ole Mr. Sun strikes again.
July 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th: Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?
Aug. 4th: It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.
Aug. 8th: If another wise a** cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
Aug. 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.
Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a da*n recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do **** for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.
Aug. 14th: Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.
There’s one from pre-internet days of a Texan moving to New Hampshire.

[Evil_Ed]

You know what kind of canoes everyone's afraid of?

Volcanoes.

[Andy in NH]

Did you know that, "Dammit I'm mad" spelled backwards is, "Dammit I'm mad"?

[5pins]

My son got kicked out of his third school this year for getting a hand job from a girl.

I told him,“maybe teaching isn't for you”.

[Totem Polar]

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.


Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

[Bigguy]

107889

[Bigguy]

108024

[0ddl0t]

when does a joke become a dad joke?


when it becomes apparent.

[Bigguy]

108041

[Darth_Uno]

Doctor says, “Test results are in, and I’ve got some bad news.”

“Well make it quick, I don’t have all day.”

“Oh…did the nurse already tell you?”

[DDTSGM]

Doctor says, “Test results are in, and I’ve got some bad news.”

“Well make it quick, I don’t have all day.”

“Oh…did the nurse already tell you?”

Man to Wife: If I had only six weeks to live, I'd spend ever moment with you....

Wife: Ohh. Honey, gow sweet.

Man continuing: .... it'd seem like forever.

[Lex Luthier]

So, this old fellow is riding a city bus and he keeps glancing at a young guy with a pink rooster-comb hairdo, tattoos, and piercings. The young guy gets agitated.

“What the hell you staring at old man? You don’t like my tattoos? ”

“No” said the old fellow, “It’s not that.”

“Is it my piercings? Do they bug you or something?”

“No” said the old fellow, “It’s not that.”

“So it’s my hair, eh? That’s what creeps you?

“No” said the old fellow, “It’s not that.”

“Then why the f*ck do you keep staring at me?”

“Well” said the old timer, “I’ll tell you. A long time ago when I was young and jobs were hard to get, I worked on a farm in rural Saskatchewan. It was lonely and there were no girls around, and I was young and horny. So one night, out of desperation, I humped a chicken. And I’m just wondering if you might be my son.”

[Totem Polar]

I stand with Israel:

;)

- -
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk.


One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.


Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone voice he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I
FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.

So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was clearly in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[Guerrero]

I'm thinking of forming an '80's heavy metal cover band called "Ünnecessary Ümlaut"

[Andy in NH]

I'm thinking of forming an '80's heavy metal cover band called "Ünnecessary Ümlaut"

If ümlaut is spelled without the ümlaut, is ümlaut then really spelled correctly?

[Stephanie B]

Q: How do you measure entitlement?

A: In degrees Karenheit.

[Totem Polar]

A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

When the teacher turns her back, Johnny says in frustration, "I wish these dumb bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!"


The teacher turns around, and she is livid: "WHO SAID THAT?!?!" She states.


Johnny: "Harvey Weinstein. Can I go now, Ma’am?"

[MountainRaven]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-OOpZitfd0

[Bigguy]

111815

A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish.
She went out onto the ice with her gear and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde was startled. She stood up and looked around but saw no one. Cautiously, she moved a little further out onto the ice and set up in a different spot. She sipped some hot chocolate from her thermos and then started cutting another hole. Again, the voice called out, seemingly from all around her.
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"
Now feeling quite scared and starting to get a bit frustrated, she moved all the way to the far end of the ice and laid out all her gear, sat upon her stool and started cutting another hole. Right away, the heavenly voice boomed out, this time louder than ever, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!".
She jumped off her stool and looked all around her. She shouted to the heavens, "IS THAT YOU, LORD?"
The voice answered, "NO. THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK. THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

[Totem Polar]

A man is talking to his wife and says “Hey honey, I think we need a code word”.

She says “What for?”

He replies “To let each other know when we want to have sex after we put the kids to sleep”

She agrees and says “Let’s use ‘typewriter’….”

So the next night as the husband is getting the kids ready for bed he says “Hey honey, I want to use the typewriter to write a letter tonight!”

She says “Sorry, it’s only writing in red ink right now”

A few days later as she’s getting the kids ready for bed she says “The typewriter is working fine again, if you still want to write that letter!”

He replies “I already wrote it by hand!”

[Trigger]

A man is talking to his wife and says “Hey honey, I think we need a code word”.

She says “What for?”

He replies “To let each other know when we want to have sex after we put the kids to sleep”

She agrees and says “Let’s use ‘typewriter’….”

So the next night as the husband is getting the kids ready for bed he says “Hey honey, I want to use the typewriter to write a letter tonight!”

She says “Sorry, it’s only writing in red ink right now”

A few days later as she’s getting the kids ready for bed she says “The typewriter is working fine again, if you still want to write that letter!”

Even though he wrote it out by hand three hours ago, He replies “Sounds good! Let’s go!”

FIFY

[Darth_Uno]

I asked the librarian if they had a book I'd been looking for, The Adventures of Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat.

She said it rang a bell, but didn't know if it was there or not.

[DDTSGM]

I asked the librarian if they had a book I'd been looking for, The Adventures of Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat.

She said it rang a bell, but didn't know if it was there or not.


https://media.tenor.com/p_UDD_WQsG0AAAAi/bada-bing-bada-boom-fred-pye.gif

[Stephanie B]

I asked the librarian if they had a book I'd been looking for, The Adventures of Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat.

She said it rang a bell, but didn't know if it was there or not.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CdVTCDdEwI

[Stephanie B]

Two elderly Irish women ran into each other at the market.

“Marge, please accept my condolences. I heard you buried your husband last week.”

“I had to, Mary. He was dead, you know.”

[Stephanie B]

112471

[Totem Polar]

Q: What do you call a dinosaur that gets up really early?


A: Asskrackadon!

[Bigguy]

112852

[Lex Luthier]

If a large group of crows fly into a plate glass window, is it a murder suicide?

[Paul D]

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I've never had a lentil on my face.

[DDTSGM]

That was ugly. I like it.

[Darth_Uno]

A boy asks his father, "Why do we have such strange names?"

His father, the chief, says, "You are named after the first thing you see when you are born. That is why your brother is Flying Eagle, and your sister is Running Deer."

"Ok, but did I have to be Dog Taking A Shit?"

[Bigguy]

A successful investment banker parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. This thing was loaded with remote start, heated seats and steering wheel. It even automatically paired with his phone when he got in. As he got out, a bus came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's side. He screamed at the car to call 911. It wasn't more than a minute before a policeman pulled up. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the banker started screaming how his car, which he just picked up that day, was completely ruined and would never be the same again.

After the banker finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you finance guys are," he said "You're so focused on your possessions, you don't care about anything else!" "How can you say that?" asked the banker, angrily. The policeman replied, "Didn't you realize that your left arm is missing from your elbow down? It's been completely torn off from when the truck hit you!" The banker looked down in absolute horror.
"Oh my God!" he screamed... "Where's my Rolex!?"

[Totem Polar]

3 men are drinking at a bar when a drunk guy wanders in.

He staggers up to the counter, points at the guy in the middle, and shouts, "Your mom's the hottest fuck in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy just shakes his head and ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was freaking sweeeeeeeet!"

Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom loved it! You know what she let me do…?"

Finally, the guy interrupts: "Go home dad, you're drunk.”

[Guerrero]

What do you call a groovy east African earthquake?

Shake Djibouti.

[Andy in NH]

Steve Harvey is getting divorced.

Family feud.

[Totem Polar]

Two guys were walking their dogs in the neighborhood one hot day in the summertime. As they approached a local tavern, Guy 1 says to Guy 2, “Man, I’m roasting, let’s nip into the tavern for a cold one.”

Well, Guy 2 is a little skeptical and says, “Aw man I’d love to, but with public health laws and all, they won’t let us bring our dogs in with us.”

Guy 1 looks a little sweaty and defeated, but he thinks on for a couple of more minutes. Suddenly he brightens up and says, “Hey, I got a GREAT idea! What we can do is since we’re wearing sunglasses, we can take the dogs in and if the barkeep says anything, we can just say we’re blind and these are our seeing-eye dogs!”

Guy 2 gets even more skeptical and says, “C’mon man, that will NEVER work; we need to think of something else.”

Guy 1 says, “Naw, you’re wrong … watch this!” So, Guy 1, walks carefully up to the tavern door and then inside. The barkeep sees him and says, “Hey you, you can’t bring that dog in here!” Guy 1 looks up in apparent confusion and says, “But wait, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” Embarrassed, the barkeep says, “Oh, sorry man, I didn’t know. What’ll you have?” Guy 1 says “how about a cold beer for me and some water for my dog?”

Now Guy 2 sees all this transpire and he’s amazed at the brilliance of his buddy. Thus emboldened, he sets his sunglasses on his face just so and enters the tavern with his dog. The Barkeep looks at him and says, “Hey guy, you can’t bring that dog in here!” Guy 2, emulating his bud says, “But hey, can’t you see I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog?”

The barkeep says sarcastically, “Seeing-eye dog my ass … that’s a Chihuahua”

After a brief pause, Guy 2 says with disbelief in his voice, “What? You mean they gave me a Chihuahua???”

[CSW]

This is a stolen joke, so don't blame me....

Why did the lobster blush?


















Because he saw the ocean's bottom.

[UNK]

What did Hillary saw when Epstein asked her to be his Valentine?

Nothing…she left him hanging

[JAD]

Guy goes to see his Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, I'm so ashamed. You're not going to believe this. My boy left the house and became a Christian."

Rabbi says, "You're not going to believe this. My son left the house and became a Christian!"

"What should we do?"

"What else? We pray to God!"

They pray, and God says,

"You're not going to believe this..."

[Kanye Wyoming]

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmaltzy; what on earth would I wear?

Sarah replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2029, Sarah Goldstein is sworn in as President of the United States.

In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?"

The senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."

[DDTSGM]

An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.



I didn’t think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected.



I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.



Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.



I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.



My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.



My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met. I’m not buying it.



Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow has only 16. (I didn't get this one.)



I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair



What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.

[Borderland]

An Irishman walks into a railway station and presents himself at the ticket counter.
“I'd like a return ticket,” he says.
“Where to?”
“To here!” says the Irishman.

[gringop]

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.



Cross Eyed Woman acoustic by Jason Elmore 2019


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qpyCChYLD0


Gringop (Sorry about the overplaying but it is Jason Elmore)

[Dr_Thanatos]

Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow has only 16. (I didn't get this one.)



So the difference between a crow and a raven is a matter of a pinion. (That's the other half of the joke.)

[DDTSGM]

So the difference between a crow and a raven is a matter of a pinion. (That's the other half of the joke.)

Aha. My buddy didn't include that part! Thanks.

[Gun Mutt]

When does a joke become a Dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.

[MistWolf]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

"Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10.That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "It seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "We've been lucky so far."

[Kanye Wyoming]

Two ladies were talking in heaven.

“Hi! my name is Janet, what is your name?”

“I'm Sherry. It's nice to meet you. Can I ask you how you died?”

“Sure, I froze to Death.”

“How horrible!” responded Sherry.

“It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

Sherry responded, “I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

Janet said, “So, what happened?”

She continued, “I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.

Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

Janet said, “Too bad you didn't look in the freezer... we'd both still be alive.”

[Kanye Wyoming]

British Army Humour

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon completed years of service), that he would receive in addition to his monthly pension.

The letter read,

"Dear Lt. Colonel Maclaren,
We write to confirm that you retired from the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards on 1st March 2001 at the rank of Lt Colonel, having been commissioned into the British Army at Edinburgh Castle as a 2nd Lieutenant on 1st February 1366.
Accordingly your lump sum payment, based on years served, has been calculated as £68,500. You will receive a cheque for this amount in due course.
Yours sincerely
Army Paymaster”

Colonel Maclaren replied;

“Dear Paymaster,
Thank you for your recent letter confirming that I served as an officer in the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards between 1st February 1366 and 1st March 2001 – a total period of 635 years and 1 month.
I note however that you have calculated my lump sum to be £68, 500, which seems to be considerably less than it should be bearing in mind my length of service since I received my commission from King Edward III.
By my calculation, allowing for interest payments and currency fluctuations, my lump sum should actually be £6, 427, 586, 619. 47p.
I look forward to receiving a cheque for this amount in due course.
Yours sincerely,
Robert Maclaren (Lt Col Retd)”

A month passed by and then in early April, a stout manilla envelope from the Ministry of Defence in Edinburgh dropped through Col. Maclaren’s letter box, it read:

“Dear Lt Colonel Maclaren,
We have reviewed the circumstances of your case as outlined in your recent letter to us dated 8th March inst. We do indeed confirm that you were commissioned into the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards by King Edward III at Edinburgh Castle on 1st February 1366, and that you served continuously for the following 635 years and 1 month.
We have re-calculated your pension and have pleasure in confirming that the lump sum payment due to you is indeed £6, 427, 586, 619. 47p.
However, we also note that according to our records you are the only surviving officer who had command responsibility during the following campaigns and battles;
The Wars of the Roses 1455 -1485 (Including the battles of Bosworth Field, Barnet and Towton) The Civil War 1642 -1651 (Including the battles Edge Hill, Naseby and the conquest of Ireland) The Napoleonic War 1803 – 1815 (including the battle of Waterloo and the Peninsular War) The Crimean War (1853 – 1856) (including the battle of Sevastopol and the Charge of the Light Brigade) The Boer War (1899 -1902) World War One (1914-1918).
We would therefore wish to know what happened to the following, which do not appear to have been returned to Stores by you on completion of operations:
9765 Cannons
26,785 Swords
12,889 Pikes
127,345 Rifles (with bayonets)
28,987 horses (fully kitted
Plus three complete marching bands with instruments and banners.
We have calculated the total cost of these items and they amount to £6,427,518.119.47p.
We have therefore subtracted this sum from your lump sum, leaving a residual amount of £68,500, for which you will receive a cheque in due course.
Yours sincerely . . . .


(Apparently a true story. https://legionmagazine.com/retirement-riches/)

[Darth_Uno]

Bill comes home from work and sees the faucet is fixed, the roof is patched, and the kitchen is painted.

"Honey, did you do all this today?"

"No, I've been asking you for six months, and the neighbor said he'd do it today if I had sex with him."

Bill is shocked. He runs outside and races off in his truck. Oh no, she thinks, what have I done.

30 minutes later Bill comes back and throws some lacy black lingerie at her.

"Put this on tomorrow if you see him, I need the siding painted."

[Darth_Uno]

Did you hear the joke about gaslighting?

Yes you have.

[Guerrero]

From Older Offspring after a discussion of coffee:

"If it doesn't come from the Kaffa province of Ethiopia, it's just hot roasted-bean juice."

[Kanye Wyoming]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term in 1972.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions existing in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then Number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A

[Dog Guy]

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."

[Bigguy]

A man approached the door of an isolated farm house. The next closest house was miles away. When he knocked on the door, a boy of about 10 answered.
“Excuse me son,” the man said, “Is your father home?”
“No sir,” answered the boy. “Ma and Pa took my older brother and sister into town. It’s my turn to stay here and watch the house.”
The man looked perturbed so the boy continued, “I know I look young, but we’re pretty self-sufficient out here in the country. I can probably help you with anything Pa could.”
The man hesitated for a moment, then said, “Well son, I’m going to need to talk to your father about your older brother Billy getting my daughter pregnant.”
The boy pursed his lips for a moment then said, “Yes sir, you’ll need to talk with Pa about that. I know he charges $200 for the bull and $500 for the stallion, but I ain’t got no idea what he charge for Billy.”