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Thread: Jokes. The good the bad and the ugly.

  1. #1
    Site Supporter 5pins's Avatar
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    Jokes. The good the bad and the ugly.

    Everyone knows a joke that fits into one of these categories so post them here.

    Iíll start.

    What can a cantaloupe do?

    It canít do anything.

    Itís a CANT-aloupe not a CAN-aloupe.

  2. #2
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    How about cop jokes....as in the ones we tell?

    How many cops does it take to throw a handcuffed prisoner down a flight of stairs?

    None..........he fell.

  3. #3
    Irony Connoisseur Sidheshooter's Avatar
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    Two days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor, Maine man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maine State Troopers.

    "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the troopers.

    "Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens asked, desperately.

    The troopers looked at each other.

    One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and then we have some pretty great news... Which would you like to hear first?"

    Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first..."

    The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning divers found your wife's body in the bay. They pulled her out shortly after daylight."

    "Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

    The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Maine Lobsters that you have ever seen and 60 good-sized Rockfish clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

    "Say," Mr. Wilkens started, brightening just a little, "That actually is some good news, I guess... If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"


    The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again, same time tomorrow..."

  4. #4
    A man goes to his doctor and says:

    Doc, when I fart, instead of the usual sound it goes "honda".

    Doc says:

    Clearly you have an abscess.

    Man says:

    How do you know?

    Doc says:

    "Abscess makes the fart go honda"


    That should get me banned.

  5. #5
    Licorice Bootlegger JDM's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AMC View Post
    How about cop jokes....as in the ones we tell?

    How many cops does it take to throw a handcuffed prisoner down a flight of stairs?

    None..........he fell.
    That's the funniest thing I've ever read.

    I'm dying.
    Nobody is impressed by what you can't do. -THJ

  6. #6
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    How do you titilate an ocelot?



    You oscillate it's tit a lot!



    I'll get my coat...

  7. #7
    #LowLife4Life Bigghoss's Avatar
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    A door-to-door salesman knocks on the door to a home and a 12-year old kid answers. He's wearing his father's hat and robe and holding a glass of brandy and smoking a cigar. The salesman asks "hello, is your father home?" The boy responds "Does it fucking look like my father is home?"


    A guy dies and goes to hell. He's very nervous about what he's in store for when The Devil walks up and says "Hey buddy, relax! Hell's not such a bad place. Do you like to gamble?"
    Guy: "Yeah. I used to hit the casinos quite a bit."
    Devil: "Well you are going to love Tuesdays, that's casino day. We set up craps tables, a roulette wheel, we have blackjack and poker. Whatever your game is, we got it."
    Guy: "Well that sounds cool."
    Devil: "It is. Do you like smoking?"
    Guy: "Yeah, I really enjoyed cigars before I died."
    Devil: "Well you'll like Wednsdays. Cigars, pipes, cigarettes, whatever. Smoke your lungs out all day. And you can't get cancer, because you're already dead!"
    Guy: "this place doesn't sound so bad after all."
    Devil: "Do you like to drink."
    Guy: "Yeah. I used to get hammered every weekend."
    devil: "Thursdays are your day then. Every kind of alcohol you could want. We just get wasted all day."
    Guy: "Wow, this all sounds great. Hell is going to be awesome!"
    Devil: "you're going to have a blast here, buddy. So, are you gay?"
    Guy: "Fuck no! I'm all about the ladies!"
    Devil: "Oh. You are going to HATE Fridays..."
    Last edited by Bigghoss; 07-24-2016 at 05:04 PM.

  8. #8
    Irony Connoisseur Sidheshooter's Avatar
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    This golf pro is flying on his way to a tourney. He has to check most of his gear, but he'll be darned if he's going to check his custom Titleist balls with his name on them, so the front pockets of his khakis are absolutely jammed full of golf balls. He boards his flight, and sits next to a beautiful blonde.

    The puzzled young lady keeps looking over at his bulging, lumpy pockets. After many glances from her, he finally says, shrugging, "It's golf balls."

    "Ah," says the lady. Nevertheless, she continues to look, thinking about what he has said.

    Finally, not able to contain her curiosity any longer, she blurts, "I've got to ask, does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

  9. #9
    #LowLife4Life Bigghoss's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sidheshooter View Post
    This golf pro is flying on his way to a tourney. He has to check most of his gear, but he'll be darned if he's going to check his custom Titleist balls with his name on them, so the front pockets of his khakis are absolutely jammed full of golf balls. He boards his flight, and sits next to a beautiful blonde.

    The puzzled young lady keeps looking over at his bulging, lumpy pockets. After many glances from her, he finally says, shrugging, "It's golf balls."

    "Ah," says the lady. Nevertheless, she continues to look, thinking about what he has said.

    Finally, not able to contain her curiosity any longer, she blurts, "I've got to ask, does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
    That reminded me of three more.

    So a guy comes home from 18 holes one afternoon and his wife asks how it went.
    "Oh, it was terrible." Says the man "My buddy Fred had a heart attack and died on the 3rd hole."
    "That's awful dear, I'm so sorry!" Says the wife.
    The husband says "You're telling me. 15 holes of 'hit the ball, drag Fred. Hit the ball, drag Fred...' "

    One Sunday morning a Pastor decides to skip church and go play golf instead and it turned out to be the best round he'd ever played. He had the course to himself and he was well under par. Up in heaven, St. Peter is watching all this unfold so he asks God "Are you really going to let this guy play the best game of his life after lying to his congregation about being sick?" God chuckles and asks "Who's he gonna brag about it to?"

    And a blonde joke:
    A guy gets in the elevator at work one morning and there's a blonde in it. She greets him with "T.G.I.F.". The man responds with "S.H.I.T.". The blonde is a little confused so thinking he didn't understand she repeats her greeting "T.G.I.F." and again his response is the same, "S.H.I.T.". The blonde, still thinking the man doesn't understand explains " T.G.I.F. You know, Thank God It's Friday..." The man responds with "Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."

  10. #10
    Site Supporter Robert Mitchum's Avatar
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    The bad and the very UGLY BITCH !

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