Jokes. The good the bad and the ugly.

[Drang]

Presenter at the amateur radio conference this weekend said "My wife's tactical call sign is 'That Poor Woman'."

[S Jenks]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants.

The bartender asks, “Hey pirate, what’s with the steering wheel sticking out of your pants?”

“Arg, it’s driving me nuts.”

[Stephanie B]

This is an old one:

An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a nearby mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The girl asked, "What is this, mother?"

The mother (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the girl and her mother were watching wide-eyed, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the man rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, the girl and her mother watched as small circles lit up above the walls. The walls opened up again, a handsome twenty-four-year-old man stepped out.

With a gleam in her eyes, the mother looked at her daughter and said, "Go get your father."

[Andy in NH]

The French police have no idea how the Notre Dame fire started, but Quasimodo has a hunch.

[MistWolf]

The French police have no idea how the Notre Dame fire started, but Quasimodo has a hunch.

There's a name that rings a bell...

[blues]

The French police have no idea how the Notre Dame fire started, but Quasimodo has a hunch.


There's a name that rings a bell...

https://i.imgflip.com/2yu4it.jpg

[Stephanie B]

Couple of months late on this....

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190417/9dfaccb48e7f8afd44d006d49d3747f3.jpg

... but like a Honey Badger....

[MistWolf]

https://i.imgflip.com/2yu4it.jpg


Unacceptable, Logan Five

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_ZFZcxsIdE

[NEPAKevin]

Couple of months late on this....

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190417/9dfaccb48e7f8afd44d006d49d3747f3.jpg

... but like a Honey Badger....

Somewhere in Philadelphia?

[blues]

Somewhere in Philadelphia?

Honey Badger flunked geography. He goes where he likes, when he likes. It's all his turf, so no need to recognize artificial borders.

[Stephanie B]

Somewhere in Philadelphia?

Honey badgers don't care about the difference between Punxsutawney and Philadelphia.

[RoyGBiv]

Sorry about the all caps. I'm betting there's a web engine that can fix it, but, meh.




Bar operated by RobotsA GUY GOES INTO A BAR IN NEW YORK WHERE ALL THE BARTENDERS ARE ROBOTS.


THE GUY SITS DOWN AT THE BAR AND THE ROBOT ASKS:
"WHAT WILL YOU HAVE?"
THE GUY REPLIES, "WHISKEY."


THE ROBOT BRINGS BACK HIS DRINK AND ASKS, "WHAT'S YOUR IQ?"
THE GUY SAYS, "168"
THE ROBOT TALKS ABOUT PHYSICS, SPACE EXPLORATION, AND MEDICAL TECHNOLOGY.


AFTER THE GUY LEAVES, HE PAUSES AT THE STREET CORNER AND THINKS ABOUT WHAT HE JUST ENCOUNTERED. AND THE MORE HE THINKS ABOUT IT, THE MORE CURIOUS HE GETS, SO HE DECIDES TO GO BACK.


THE ROBOT ASKS, "WHAT'S YOUR DRINK?"
THE GUY ANSWERS, "WHISKEY."


THE ROBOT RETURNS WITH HIS DRINK AND ASKS, "WHAT'S YOUR IQ?"
THIS TIME THE MAN REPLIES, "100."


THE ROBOT TALKS ABOUT NASCAR, BUDWEISER, SEC FOOTBALL, AND ALL-STAR WRESTLING.


THE MAN FINISHES HIS DRINK, LEAVES, BUT IS SO INTERESTED IN THIS "EXPERIMENT" THAT HE DECIDES HE'LL TRY AGAIN.


HE ENTERS THE BAR AND, AS USUAL, THE ROBOT ASKS HIM WHAT HE WANTS TO DRINK.
THE MAN REPLIES, "WHISKEY."


THE ROBOT BRINGS THE DRINK AND ASKS, "WHAT'S YOUR IQ?"
THIS TIME THE MAN ANSWERS, "50."


THE ROBOT LEANS IN REAL CLOSE AND SLOWLY ASKS, "SO, ARE YOU PEOPLE STILL UNHAPPY THAT HILLARY LOST?

[Bucky]

Sorry about the all caps. I'm betting there's a web engine that can fix it, but, meh.




Bar operated by RobotsA GUY GOES INTO A BAR IN NEW YORK WHERE ALL THE BARTENDERS ARE ROBOTS.


THE GUY SITS DOWN AT THE BAR AND THE ROBOT ASKS:
"WHAT WILL YOU HAVE?"
THE GUY REPLIES, "WHISKEY."


THE ROBOT BRINGS BACK HIS DRINK AND ASKS, "WHAT'S YOUR IQ?"
THE GUY SAYS, "168"
THE ROBOT TALKS ABOUT PHYSICS, SPACE EXPLORATION, AND MEDICAL TECHNOLOGY.


AFTER THE GUY LEAVES, HE PAUSES AT THE STREET CORNER AND THINKS ABOUT WHAT HE JUST ENCOUNTERED. AND THE MORE HE THINKS ABOUT IT, THE MORE CURIOUS HE GETS, SO HE DECIDES TO GO BACK.


THE ROBOT ASKS, "WHAT'S YOUR DRINK?"
THE GUY ANSWERS, "WHISKEY."


THE ROBOT RETURNS WITH HIS DRINK AND ASKS, "WHAT'S YOUR IQ?"
THIS TIME THE MAN REPLIES, "100."


THE ROBOT TALKS ABOUT NASCAR, BUDWEISER, SEC FOOTBALL, AND ALL-STAR WRESTLING.


THE MAN FINISHES HIS DRINK, LEAVES, BUT IS SO INTERESTED IN THIS "EXPERIMENT" THAT HE DECIDES HE'LL TRY AGAIN.


HE ENTERS THE BAR AND, AS USUAL, THE ROBOT ASKS HIM WHAT HE WANTS TO DRINK.
THE MAN REPLIES, "WHISKEY."


THE ROBOT BRINGS THE DRINK AND ASKS, "WHAT'S YOUR IQ?"
THIS TIME THE MAN ANSWERS, "50."


THE ROBOT LEANS IN REAL CLOSE AND SLOWLY ASKS, "SO, ARE YOU PEOPLE STILL UNHAPPY THAT HILLARY LOST?

That’s a pretty lame robot that can’t recognize the same guy after multiple visits, just sayin’. ;)

[blues]

That’s a pretty lame robot that can’t recognize the same guy after multiple visits, just sayin’. ;)

Well, clearly it wasn't "Eye, Robot".

[scjbash]

Well, clearly it wasn't "Eye, Robot".

I literally laughed out loud. What the hell has this place done to me... :D

[52Hubcap]

Two cannibals are sitting around the fire eating dinner. After a period of time, one breaks the silence with "Y'know, I've decided that I really don't like my mother-in-law."

The other one responds: "So have more potatoes..."


Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his mother-in-law in the woods?

Did you hear about the cannibal that was eating so fast he threw up his hands?

[52Hubcap]

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs when you throw him in the swimming pool?

Bob

What do you call him when you set him in front of the door?

Mat

How about when you stuff him in a mail box?

Bill

What if he's up in a tree?
Leif

What if he's in a pile of leaves?
Russel

[Dog Guy]

What if he's up in a tree?
Leif

What if he's in a pile of leaves?
Russel

How about when he flies over the fence?

Homer.

[Totem Polar]

Don't forget nailed to a wall; then he's Art.

[Trigger]

Waterskiing = Skip

[Totem Polar]

Out in the garden, he’s Pete...

[SAWBONES]

In the hot tub; Stu

[JohnO]

A man with no arms and no legs is laying on the beach and crying.

A beautiful walks by and asks him, "what's wrong?".

He responds, "I'm feeling sorry for myself. I've never been fucked."

Being the good soul that she is the beautiful woman responds, "I can help with that."

A tremendous smile appears upon his face. Other parts stir as well.

She walks over to him. Picks him up, tosses him in the water and then says, "you're fucked now!"

[RJ]

A man with no arms and no legs is laying on the beach and crying.

A beautiful walks by and asks him, "what's wrong?".

He responds, "I'm feeling sorry for myself. I've never been fucked."

Being the good soul that she is the beautiful woman responds, "I can help with that."

A tremendous smile appears upon his face. Other parts stir as well.

She walks over to him. Picks him up, tosses him in the water and then says, "you're fucked now!"

Heh.

I laughed at this.

Proof I am going to Hell.


On topic: You guys may not know this, but I had an Uncle with two wooden legs. He was a night watchman at a Furniture factory in town.

One night, there was a huge fire. My Uncle raced in and bravely helped battle the blaze. Fortunately the factory was saved.

*snif*

But sadly, my Uncle was burned to the ground. :(



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Totem Polar]

What do you call a woman with a wooden leg?

Peg


I used to be engaged to a lady with a wooden leg, but then she broke it off.

[Tactical Black Belt]

What do you call a woman with a wooden leg?

Peg



What was the name of her other leg?

[MistWolf]

Did you hear about the cannibal that was eating so fast he threw up his hands?

Did you heart about the leper who ended the local Saturday night poker game by throwing in his hand?

...and his arm...?

[Trigger]

What was the name of her other leg?

Eileen?

[Totem Polar]

Did you heart about the leper who ended the local Saturday night poker game by throwing in his hand?

...and his arm...?

Know what the same dude said to the hooker?

"keep the tip"

[Maple Syrup Actual]

I'm not sure if I've ever told this joke here but for years and years this has been my signature joke, which gets requested at parties from time to time and which is not meant for tender ears - in fact it led to a fairly serious confrontation one time with an audience that was perhaps poorly chosen. It's been my signature joke for so long that I no longer remember where I heard the original; I have changed it quite a bit from the form I originally heard and none of my changes have made it more palatable, so bail out now if you don't like it dark.

The whole incident goes back to the town I grew up in. I lived right down by the ocean, in what was then a pretty rough and tumble neighborhood full of fishermen and blue collar families. Anyway, the beach wasn't a beach, it was these steep, rocky cliffs with jagged points leading out into the ocean...if you've seen the Oregon coast, or the Alaskan coast, well, you're pretty much in the ballpark. There were footpaths you could walk out and look down at the unforgiving sea and it was beautiful, in a stark kind of way. I used to walk out there a lot.

One day I was out walking the trails down at the cliffs and out on a particularly foreboding point I spotted a boy, maybe six years old, crying and wailing. Naturally I jogged over to see what was going on.

"Hey," I said, "don't get too close to the edge there; it's dangerous. What's the matter? Maybe I can help."

"My mom and my dad were fighting," he said.

"Oh," I said, "try not to worry about that. Moms and dads have a lot of complicated things to deal with, and sometimes they fight. I'm sure it will be okay."

"No!" he said. "My dad pushed my mom and she fell over the side!"

"Oh god," I thought, and leaned as far as I dared. Sure enough, I could see a body in the grey and frigid water, barely floating, and moving only with the waves. She was gone.

"Where is your dad?" I asked. "Has he gone for help?"

"He tried," said the little boy. "But he slipped over there!"

And I looked back up the path and I could see a section that had crumbled away right at the edge of the cliff. I stepped towards it and although it was well back from the water, the news wasn't good: down below, fifty or sixty feet down, it was rock. There was a man's body, crumpled and still. I shook my head sadly and removed my belt, then began to unbutton my jeans. The boy looked at me, confused.

"What... why are you taking off your pants?"

"Little boy, I'm sorry," I said. "But this is just not your lucky day."

Sent from my BND-L24 using Tapatalk

[Totem Polar]

"Little boy, I'm sorry," I said. "But this is just not your lucky day."




Creepy guy and little boy are walking in the deep, dark woods on the outskirts of the county.

"Mister, I'm scared..." says the kid.

"You're scared?" replies the guy "Hell, I have to walk out of this place alone..."


in fact it led to a fairly serious confrontation one time with an audience that was perhaps poorly chosen.

I can see that happening. There are some jokes I won't even tell here.

[Maple Syrup Actual]

One would assume that is the origin but I think I heard something more complex just because I can't believe I embellished a joke that much.

Although I did get paid by the word for quite a while so it's possible.

Sent from my BND-L24 using Tapatalk

[hufnagel]

misanthropist that's horrible. I laughed. :cool:
I might need to steal that sometime I feel like offending some snowflakes.

[beenalongtime]

After a really bad day, I came home to the girlfriend and said I needed a pick me up. She replied, "your bigger then your brother".

[Darth_Uno]

- in fact it led to a fairly serious confrontation one time with an audience that was perhaps poorly chosen.



I too have misjudged my audience. After telling this one, it was met with dead silence and a private admonition to not tell dirty jokes...especially at church. It was just at church, not part of the service. Anyhow:

During the service at the country church the songleader says, "We're going to do something different today. I'll holler out a word, and you all start singing the first song you think of. GRACE!"

Congregation starts singing, "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound..."

"Good, good. PRAYER!"

"Sweet hour of prayer, sweet hour of prayer..."

This goes on for a few songs, and the songleader thinks he'll throw this one out just to see what happens. "SEX!"

It's quiet for a minute when an old lady lady in the back starts in with, "Precious memories..."

[hufnagel]

A B-52 with an engine out is an emergency. An F-16 with an engine out is an electronic lawn dart.

[jtcarm]

A B-52 with an engine out is an emergency. An F-16 with an engine out is an electronic lawn dart.

I would think on the B-52, it would rate no more than an inconvenience.

[hufnagel]

I would think on the B-52, it would rate no more than an inconvenience.

That was a stealth joke. Cloaked for your protection

[Andy in NH]

A compelling argument as to why aliens have not have visited us yet, is that our solar system only has a one-star rating.

[52Hubcap]

Math jokes are pretty bland for this place.

There are 3 kinds of people in the world...those that can do math and those that can't; that is, unless there are 10 kinds of people...those that understand binary and those that don't.

[52Hubcap]

Quote Originally Posted by Sidheshooter View Post
What do you call a woman with a wooden leg?

Peg
What was the name of her other leg?
Eileen?

What if she was Japanese? Irene

[CSW]

If she goes to the beach :

Sandy.

[Gun Mutt]

I can see that happening. There are some jokes I won't even tell here.

In my heyday, I could perform a version of the ribald classic, "The Aristocrats" that always got a round of raucous laughter...and never failed to drive at least one person away before the punchline.

If you can take it, the film is wonderful. -link- (https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0436078/?ref_=nv_sr_1?ref_=nv_sr_1)

[Totem Polar]

In my heyday, I could perform a version of the ribald classic, "The Aristocrats" that always got a round of raucous laughter...and never failed to drive at least one person away before the punchline.

If you can take it, the film is wonderful. -link- (https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0436078/?ref_=nv_sr_1?ref_=nv_sr_1)

That film is excellent!

[jtcarm]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190509/adf62e65b715050b4496a55784c8dbdf.jpg

[Totem Polar]

A compelling argument as to why aliens have not have visited us yet, is that our solar system only has a one-star rating.

Orion’s belt: a giant waist of space...

[scjbash]

That film is excellent!

The dark side of Saget.

[Totem Polar]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"Yep," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I please have my beer and my sandwich?"
"Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck, and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls a newspaper out from his bag and starts to read it. So the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?"
“At the circus," Says the barman.
"The circus?" Repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again, “with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" asks the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says.... "I wonder what the fuck they want with a plasterer?"

[CSW]

An old farmer and his wife were at the state fair. A pilot was giving rides for $20. The farmer really wanted to go up but figured the price was high.
After dickering with the pilot for some time, the pilot said, “Tell you what I’ll take you both up for free but if either of you say one word you’ll have to pay full price!”
They take off and the pilot does some gentle dive and turn... no sound from the back.
He gets more aggressive.... still no sound from his passengers.
Finally he is doing dips, dives, loops and barrel rolls... still no sound from the back.
They finally land and while getting out of the pilot noticed the wife was missing.
Pilot asked where his wife was.
The farmer, “Well she fell out.”
Why didn’t you say something?

I would have but 20 bucks is 20 bucks!

[jtcarm]

The duck/bar joke reminds me of another one:

I guy walks into a bar carrying a bag and orders a beer.

“Whatcha got in the bag?” The bartender asks as pours the man a beer.

He reaches in to the bag, and to the bartenders utter amazement, the customer places a little man about a foot tall on the bar.

He then sets a tiny piano on the bar, and the little man sits down and starts playing.

“That is freakin amazing!” the bartender exclaims. “Where on earth did you discover him?”

Without replying, the man reaches back into his bag and retrieves a lamp, which he proceeds to rub.

Sure enough, out pops a genie.

“Holy shit!” The bartender says. “Is that a genie?”

“Yep” the customer replies.

“One like the stories, that can grant wishes?”

“Yep”

“So can I make a wish?”

“Sure.”

The bartender thinks for a second and says “I wish for a million bucks.”

With a puff of smoke, ducks start raining down inside the bar.

“I said bucks, not ducks. Is that damn genie hard of hearing or something?

The customer replied “Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”

[52Hubcap]

So Frick and Frack go out warthog hunting. After not seeing anything all morning, they decide to split up for the afternoon hunt. A short while later Frick finds Frack and asks him to help field dress the hog. Upon completion of the job they're talking and suddenly Frack pipes up, "Hey, I didn't hear you shoot. How did you kill that hog?"
"I uglied him to death", Frick replied.
Frack--"Come straight. You're pulling my leg."
Frick--"No, really. I ugly it to death."
Frack--"Well, I don't believe you. I've got to see it to believe it."
Frick--"OK, we still have your tag left. I'll prove it on yours."
A few hours and they spot the ugliest, nastiest boar they've ever seen. They stalk within easy eyesight of the beast, and Frick gives a low whistle to get the porker's attention and immediately contorts his face in the most gruesome way possible.
The hog gets wide-eyed, his focus on Frick, then begins to tremble, then shakes violently for a few seconds and falls over dead.
Frack is also wide-eyed and exclaims, "I saw it, but I still don't believe it. WOW!! Where in the world did you learn how to do that?"
Frick replies, "My wife taught me."
Frack questioned, "So why don't you take her hunting? You could get twice the hogs in half the time."
Frick--"I used to, but she tears up the meat too bad."

[Bigguy]

The duck/bar joke reminds me of another one:

I guy walks into a bar carrying a bag and orders a beer.

“Whatcha got in the bag?” The bartender asks as pours the man a beer.

He reaches in to the bag, and to the bartenders utter amazement, the customer places a little man about a foot tall on the bar.

He then sets a tiny piano on the bar, and the little man sits down and starts playing.

“That is freakin amazing!” the bartender exclaims. “Where on earth did you discover him?”

Without replying, the man reaches back into his bag and retrieves a lamp, which he proceeds to rub.

Sure enough, out pops a genie.

“Holy shit!” The bartender says. “Is that a genie?”

“Yep” the customer replies.

“One like the stories, that can grant wishes?”

“Yep”

“So can I make a wish?”

“Sure.”

The bartender thinks for a second and says “I wish for a million bucks.”

With a puff of smoke, ducks start raining down inside the bar.

“I said bucks, not ducks. Is that damn genie hard of hearing or something?

The customer replied “Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”

The version I heard was the guy had a foot tall cigarette lighter. The punch line was, "You really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"

[NEPAKevin]

A girl is sitting outside a restaurant, waiting to have lunch with a girlfriend when a limo pulls up and friend gets out. With a bit of shade, she asks her gal-pal if that was her sugar daddy? The friend replies, no that's my Genie. Your Genie? Yea, my Genie. I rub his lamp and he grants my wishes.

[beenalongtime]

So a gal came by, selling magazine subscriptions for school. I asked how much and she said depends on the magazine, I responded a Beretta 92.

[Andy in NH]

I keep asking what LGBTQIA means, but I can't get a straight answer.

[Stephanie B]

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his grandson were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his grandson translated: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the Moon.

The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the Moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a public relations opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the grandson to translate it. He refused.

The NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the Moon.

Finally, the NASA crew sent the tape to an official government translator in Phoenix. He reported that the elder's message to the Moon said:

"Watch out for these guys. They have come to steal your land."

[5pins]

Why are New Yorkers so depressed?

Because the light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.

[Totem Polar]

I hope y’all will take this one in the light spirit it’s offered:

Q: Why won’t republicans vote to impeach Trump?



A: The party platform insists upon carrying babies to full term...




;)

[Andy in NH]

It's bad luck to be superstitious.

[blues]

41469

[Darth_Uno]

Little Johnny was getting to the age where his friends encouraged him to pick up some habits his dad didn't approve of. His dad devised a test to see what kind of man he'd become. He laid out a stack of dollars, a bottle of beer, a Playboy, and a Bible on Johnny's bed.

"I'll hide and watch him", he thinks, "and if Johnny takes the money he'll be a man consumed by greed. If he drinks the beer he'll be a no-good drunk. If he looks at the Playboy he'll be a womanizer. But if he reads the Bible he'll be a good man."

So he hides, and when little Johnny gets home he looks at all the items on the bed. First he pockets the money, then he drinks the beer, then he kicks back and opens up the Playboy.

"Oh no," thinks dad, "where did I go wrong." Then some dust tickles his nose and he sneezes. Johnny jumps, looks around, stashes the beer and Playboy, and opens up the Bible.

"Lord save us, it's even worse than I thought," says dad. "He's running for Congress!"

[Totem Polar]

Q: Why don’t Pirates get to shower/clean up before they’re forced to walk the plank?


A: Everyone figures they’ll wash up on shore...

[archangel]

Speaking of Pirates... I hear that the best place to buy a hook is at a second hand store.

[SiriusBlunder]

Since we're on this subject, one of my favorite jokes. I have a blast telling it with the pirate accents.
---
So, there are these two pirates, eh. One's got a wooden leg, a hook and even a patch, too. The other one's just got the pirate clothes.

So the second pirate says to the first, "How'd ya get that wooden leg, mate?"

The first replies "Arrr, it done got bit off by a varment shark."

The second pirate is, of course, impressed, "Aye, dat's really a pirate ting to have happen. How'd ya get dat metal 'ook?"

The first replies "Lost err in a sword fight, bastard cut off me bloody hand before I run 'm through!"

"Aye, dat's really a pirate ting to have happen" says the second pirate, again impressed. "How'd ya get dat patch on your eye?"

"Well, I was up in the crow's nest eh, and I looked up to spy this seagull," says the pirate's pirate, "and the damn ting shit reet in me eye."

In disbelief the second pirate says "Well, how'd dat make ya blind?"

The first pirate replied: "Arrr...first day wit me 'ook!"

[RJ]

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officeraw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H.

He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. He turns his lights on and pulls the car over.

Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?"

"Ma’am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over."

"Oh! they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142.

[RoyGBiv]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

[Andy in NH]

Did I tell you who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor?
Everyone!

[Darth_Uno]

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just whiskey."

"But it's sinful and wicked!"

"How do you know it's so bad? Have you ever tasted whiskey?"

"Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is.”

"But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?"

"Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn't do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?"

The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman.

"Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please."

The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts "Is that damn nun here again!?"


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[Totem Polar]

Fire services in Paris have found a suspicious package in Notre Dame Cathedral, but it just contained a Cheese and Tomato sandwich,
a packet of crisps, an apple and a carton of orange juice
It was the Lunchpack of Notre Dame

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
Not sure what they are laced with
I have been tripping all day

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows to high
She seemed surprised

My friend has borrowed my grandfather clock.
He owes me big time.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next poop could spell disaster!

Q. What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?




A. Every morning you'll rise and shine


Two little girls are making friends in the school playground.
"What does your Daddy do for a living?" asks Sally.
"He's a magician," says Emma.
"Ooh," says Sally, "and what's his best trick?"
"Sawing people in half," replies Emma.
"And do you have any other family?" asks Sally.
"Yes," says Emma, "I have a half -brother and two half -sisters."



Did you hear about the guy that died from eating too much spaghetti?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He pasta way.


:)

[mtnbkr]

[Dad Jokes]

:)

I shall weaponize these and use them against my children. :D

Chris

[Maple Syrup Actual]

This is a joke I heard years ago in a french movie I was watching which actually translates pretty much perfectly. I don't think it's commonly known? At least I hope everyone hasn't heard it already. It's pretty dark, so, fair warning.








There's a local goon drinking in a bar one night, and as he drinks he gets more aggressive. He's been going all night and he's pretty loaded by this point, and when they finally throw him out of the bar he's in an angry mood.

Stumbling out the door and down the street, he spies a nun in her full habit. He steadies himself for a moment and steps up to her, staring her right in the eye for a moment. Then he hauls off and punches her in the face. She goes down, of course, and he stands there over her yelling at her to get up and get back in the fight until she climbs back to her feet, and he knocks her down again. Finally she crawls off as he stands there, swaying and leering.

"Not so tough after all, eh, Batman?"

[Gun Mutt]

A woman enters the rooftop bar of the most expensive hotel in the city, orders a Cosmopolitan and proceeds to berate the bartender for having Fox News on the tv, insisting he turn it to MSNBC or at least CNN. The only other customer, a man a few stools down, tilted his thick bourbon glass towards her in an air-cheers and lamented that he hadn't said the same thing when he first sat down and asked if she'd allow him to add her drink to his tab.

As they chatted, the woman explained the importance of her work as a lobbyist for Moms Demand Action and the generally deplorable state of the deplorables in charge of the patriarchy, momentarily remembering her manners long enough to ask what he did for a living. He was, he said, an architect and had, in fact, designed and overseen the construction of the very hotel they sat atop.

It was, he continued, the very pinnacle of eco-shared development and the safest building in the world. When she asked what he meant by eco-shared construction, he went on to explain that temperature, wind and atmosphere were very different at ground level as opposed to their lofty perch. By working with the natural state of the thermals around the building, he had created a building you absolutely could not fall from.

Any doubts were erased when the man climbed onto the railing and leapt off in a swan dive- WHOOSH! -to her amazement, the man was gently tossed back over the railing to land lightly next to her. Amazing, she cried! Try it yourself, the man encouraged, since the design uses the imminently feminine powers of mother nature, it's quite literally infallible!

Nodding at the obvious wisdom of his statement, the woman took off her shoes and allowed the man to help her onto the railing, with faith in the Earth Mother, she leapt out...and plunged screaming to her death. The man kicked her shoes off the edge and returned to his stool at the bar.

The bartender reached for the remote and said, Damn Superman, I know you really hate liberals, but you're kind of a dick when you drink!

[Totem Polar]

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take all my money to the afterlife.”

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait a minute!”

She had a shoebox with her. She came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man.” She said, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”

[Darth_Uno]

My son asked what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone. Then I asked him why he was ignoring me.

- - - - - - - -

I got a call the other day. "Sir, we're with the insurance company handing your mother-in-law's fatal airplane crash. We wish to settle with you."

"Great, how much do I owe you?"

- - - - - - - -

I tried to remarry my ex-wife, but she thought I was just after my money.

[Totem Polar]

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.

“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, or a serious personal injury, or a death in your immediate family – but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,

“Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

[RJ]

I was telling my wife the other day that I developed a irrational fear of speed bumps...but I'm slowly getting over them...

[SiriusBlunder]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in her cute tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit!"

[Bigguy]

A bunch of fellows were manning a sheep dip station.
(This is where sheep were dipped into a vat of water with a poison that would kill skin parasites. Usually way out in the middle of nowhere. The men working here were notoriously self reliant.)
They spied a dust cloud on the barren horizon that grew as it approached. Eventually they made out a large man riding a grizzly bear, using a couple of rattlesnakes as a halter. He came up to to the station and tied the bear to the horse rail using the rattlesnakes. He picked up the trough of sheep dip (easily 30 gallons of poison water.) and drained it, drinking the entire trough of dip water.
He finished the entire vat of dip, then tipping his hat, he untied the snakes and remounted the bear in preparation to continue on his journey.
“Excuse me sir,” one of the sheep herders said. “You are the toughest man we’ve ever met!”
As he road off in rush he called back, “Just wait till that son-of-a-bitch chasing me gets here."

[Andy in NH]

I had a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.

[RoyGBiv]

https://i1.wp.com/bitsandpieces.us/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/This-will-be-hilarious....jpg?w=471

[jtcarm]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in her cute tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit!"

That reminds me of the story of Mark:

Walking on a dark and deserted street one night, he hears a faint voice the distance call his name “Mark, Mark”

He glances back, shrugs, then keeps walking.

The voice gets a little louder “Mark, Mark”. He turns & asks who’s there, and it gets a little louder, Mark, Mark.”

Now he’s a little worried and picks up the pace, but the voice keeps getting louder “Mark, Mark!”

Mark breaks into a run, but the voice just gets closer, Mark, Mark!”

He begins to hear footsteps so he turns in to an alley, exhausted, but it’s a dead-end and the voice & footsteps are right behind him “Mark, Mark!”

So he turns to face his tormenter and finds...

A hair-lipped dog.

[RoyGBiv]

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinkingdrunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.


He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded Dave , 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'


The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter ..'


Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got
to send me back straight away.'


St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'


Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.


A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.


'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'


'It's not so bad', replies Dave , 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'


'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'


'Never', replies Dave ..


'Well just relax and let it happen'.


And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.


When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!


The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...


' Dave , wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'

[Darth_Uno]

Three old boys were sitting on a park bench.

First one says, it’s the damnedest thing. My farts are loud, but they don’t smell at all.

Second guy says, that’s weird, mine will tranquilize a horse but don’t make any noise.

Third guy says I must be special, mine don’t have a sound or smell.

The other two, astonished, look at him and go, then what’s the point?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Darth_Uno]

Two Irish models are waiting on the photographer to set up.

“What’s he doing?” one model asked the other.

“He’s getting ready to focus.”

“FOCUS! Well that’ll cost a bit more!”


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Darth_Uno]

A father had three sons, all very successful. On his deathbed he said, “Sons, I hope you’ve done well because of the lessons I taught you. As a token of your gratitude, I’d like each of you to leave $1000 in my casket.”

When the day came, the doctor placed $1000 cash in the casket.

The banker placed $1000 cash in the casket.

The Senator wrote a check for $3000 and took the $2000 cash.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[RoyGBiv]

Three old boys were sitting on a park bench.

First one says, it’s the damnedest thing. My farts are loud, but they don’t smell at all.

Second guy says, that’s weird, mine will tranquilize a horse but don’t make any noise.

Third guy says I must be special, mine don’t have a sound or smell.

The other two, astonished, look at him and go, then what’s the point?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Your avatar looks like he's trying to launch one.
The silent ones are more deadly. Just sayin.

[NEPAKevin]

The silent ones are more deadly. Just sayin.

4333143332

[RJ]

A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... so, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH


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[JohnO]

Doug’s Last Will and Testament.



Doug lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses”

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100
and Tavernier."

“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on BlackwaterSound.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."

The wife replies, "The a$$hole had a paper route."

[Totem Polar]

My Mexican brother-in-law had a cousin who was born with two penises. The family decided that, to distinguish them, they needed names. They called one penis José. The other was Hose B.

[Glenn E. Meyer]

In two years, Hillary and Donald meet in a bar:

Hillary - so back to the Apprentice?
Donald - Yep, hear you are doing Dancing with the Stars, should be huge.
Hillary - well, if I throw my back out Medicare for All will pay for it.
Donald - At least, I won't have to pay for the grandkids' college.
Hillary - Amen to that.
Donald - Pence is saying Amen quite a lot. Won't come out of his room.

Bartender - more Chardonnay. Thought you didn't drink, Donald.

Well, there is always a first time. Didn't think I would be president either.

[Totem Polar]

The medical community is unable to reach consensus on what to do with America's health insurance situation.
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

- - -


Sad news about Prince Andrew’s car crash next month.

- - -

What do Maggie Thatcher and Prince Andrew have in common?
They both fucked miners!

- - -

It snowed last night...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

By noon it all melted

Moral:

There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.

:)

[P30]

https://abload.de/img/feundngelylk4r.jpg

[HALO51]

Little boy comes up to his mom and asks, "Mommy, is my pee-pee bad for me?

Mother replies, "No son, your pee-pee isn't bad for you, why do you ask?

Little boy said, "If it isn't bad for me then why is daddy upstairs trying to pull his off?

[awp_101]

Jimmy finally worked up the courage to ask the girl of his dreams to prom and she said yes.

He had the ideal tux in mind and when he got to the store there was a huge tuxedo line but he waited and got the one he wanted. He knew exactly which corsage he wanted to get her and when he got to the flower store there was a long corsage line but he waited and got the one he wanted. When he went to arrange the limo to pick them up there was a long line for the limos but he waited and got the one he wanted.

Finally prom came and everything was going great. They were at the table and he asked if he could get her anything and she asked for punch.

He got up and went to the table serving punch but there was no punch line.

[P30]

https://uhrforum.de/data/attachments/2470/2470896-9099cfbe7ead55a37ef8498f8c6beec6.jpg

[RoyGBiv]

https://i.imgur.com/ATmWhyF.png

[Greg]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter: 'Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a husky voice, the woman next to him says; 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:


1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blond girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blond and a Professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[Totem Polar]

ABC7 news, Detroit - A 15 year old boy was at the center of the Wayne County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and conference with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Detroit Lions whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[beenalongtime]

https://uhrforum.de/data/attachments/2470/2470896-9099cfbe7ead55a37ef8498f8c6beec6.jpg

With this, I LOL'd at the thought of mixing Donald Trump and one of those baby generating photo things, with Greta Thunberg. I think the internet would explode.

[0ddl0t]

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...


How do you make an octopus laugh?

Give it ten tickles.




What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

AyeMatey!

[P30]

https://up.picr.de/37498895he.jpg

[0ddl0t]

How did the Hipster burn his tongue?



He drank his coffee before it was cool.

[Farswot]

He dials a number, it rings a few times, then a small voice says hello.

He asks "Who is this?" "This is Johnny."

He asks "Is your daddy there?" "Yes, but he is busy."

He asks "Is your mommy there?" "Yes, but she is busy."

He asks "Is there another adult in the house?" "Yes, there is a policeman here".

He figures what the Hell, "Can I talk to him?" "No he's busy."

"Well Johnny, what are all these people so busy doing?"

"They're lookin' for me..."



Farswot out.

[0ddl0t]

What did the janitor exclaim as he jumped out of the closet?



Supplies!






Why did the janitor quit?



He realized grime doesn't pay.

[Bigguy]

ABC7 news, Detroit - A 15 year old boy was at the center of the Wayne County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and conference with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Detroit Lions whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
ABC7 news, Detroit - A 15 year old boy was at the center of the Wayne County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and conference with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

FIFY

ETA The Arkansas Razorbacks will work as well.

[Totem Polar]

How did the Hipster burn his tongue?



He drank his coffee before it was cool.

How do you kill a hipster?


Drown him in the mainstream.

[Wondering Beard]

Patient: Give it to me straight, Doc.

Doctor: Well, I'm afraid you've got Tom Jones Disease.

Patient: Tom Jones Disease? I've never heard of it. Is it common?

Doctor: Well, it's not unusual.

[5pins]

I haven't had a bath since the last decade.

[archangel]

What did the janitor exclaim as he jumped out of the closet?



Supplies!






Why did the janitor quit?



He realized grime doesn't pay.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB2GboGOuTI

[Greg]

Late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.

He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” he was responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again, “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”

“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.”

“How can you be so sure?” the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.”

[Andy in NH]

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties.
I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching.
Either way it made her funeral a bit awkward.

[Andy in NH]

What do you give a dog that has a high temperature?

Ketchup, it is the best thing for a hot dog.

[Bigguy]

A police officer pulls over Werner Heisenberg for speeding. Approaching the car the officer asks, "Do know how fast you were going?"
"No," Dr Heisenberg answers, "but I know where I am."

[Farswot]

Yes, another cop pulls over a real hotrod. He says "I've been waiting all day for you!"

The hot rodder says "I got here as fast as I could!"

Farswot

[Andrew E]

A police officer pulls over Werner Heisenberg for speeding. Approaching the car the officer asks, "Do know how fast you were going?"
"No," Dr Heisenberg answers, "but I know where I am."


Officer then says "Sir, I clocked you at 92 MPH"

Heisenberg throws his hands in the air and exclaims "Great! Now I'm lost!"

[SiriusBlunder]

A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid it was you and you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer and he walked away.

[Andy in NH]

I walked into a room full of women and they couldn't stop staring at me.
Ooops - wrong bathroom!

[Darth_Uno]

Old Man O’Malley gets pulled over about 2:00 in the morning.

“And where might you be goin’ this time o’ night?” asked the officer.

“Truth, I’m off to a lecture about the evils o’ drinkin’, smokin’ and carrying on late at the pub.”

“And who’d be givin’ that lecture at this hour?”

“That’d be Mrs. O’Malley.”


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Andy in NH]

Over one hundred years ago two brothers thought it was possible to fly - they were Wright!

[Glenn E. Meyer]

Werner Heisenberg goes the IPSC match. He cannot even hit the target at times. He turns to a fellow physicist competitor and says he doesn't know what is going wrong. The other fellow asks if he chronographed his rounds' velocities. Heisenberg says: AHA!

[Stephanie B]

A woman was home, alone, on a Saturday, when the mailman came by with a package. She invited him in for a cup of coffee and a brownie, and then took him upstairs and screwed his brains out.

When they were finished, she handed him five dollars. “What’s this for,“ the mailman asked.

“When I asked my husband what to give you for Christmas, he said: ‘Fuck him, give him five dollars.’ The coffee and brownie were my idea.”

[Stephanie B]

A man goes to a doctor and he says “I’m having a terrible time with flatulence, I fart 40 or 50 times an hour. The farts are silent so no one knows I’m doing it, but they smell really bad. It happens so often, it’s even happened four or five times since I got here. What should we do? “The doctor replied, “ The first thing we’re going to do is get your hearing tested.”

[Darth_Uno]

True story: at my very first pistol class, one of the fellow students was a bit...gassy. After the first day I made a joking comment about farting on the firing line. His eyes popped open and he said, “You heard that?” Apparently he wasn’t familiar with electronic earpro.

[Andy in NH]

Did you know the word "homeowner" has the word "meow" in it?
Good luck pronouncing it correctly ever again!

(From Paul Sharp's Instagram.)

[RoyGBiv]

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "yes she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."

[Bigguy]

Not a joke perse, but I couldn't think of a better place to post, AND it's seems like something you sic ..... uh I mean clever guys would enjoy.

I sat three boxes of chocolate covered strawberries, a Pepperidge Farm coconut cake, and a valentines day card on the counter. The lady checking me out began to ring up my items, then winked at me and said," Somebody must have been a very good girl."
I winked back and said, "Or a very naughty one."

[Dog Guy]

My patient screamed in pain during labor so I asked "What's wrong?" She screamed. "These contractions are going to kill me!!"
"I am sorry" I replied. "What is wrong?"

[oakdalecurtis]

What's the difference between Joe Biden, Jesus Christ and herpes?

Joe Biden ain't coming back........

[Greg]

There is a floor in one of our office buildings where most of the crazy women have been located. You know you’re there because of the warning signs on the doors declaring the floor to be a “fragrance free zone”

I like to read that sign as an invitation to crop dust the entire floor as often as possible. Others do as well.

[0ddl0t]

What did socialists use for light before candles?










Electricity

[awp_101]

A girl wakes up her boyfriend and says "I just had the strangest dream! You gave me an engagement ring and proposed to me! What do you think that means?" He winks and says "I guess you'll find out tonight."

She spends the rest of the day in giddy anticipation and calling all of her friends to be ready for a big announcement.

That night he takes her to a fancy restaurant and after the meal hands her a bag with a small box inside. Excitedly she tears it open to find a book entitled How to Interpret Dreams

[Andy in NH]

Procrastination is much easier to do than say.
Just saying...

[Dog Guy]

The guy who invented the umbrella had planned to call it the brella. But he hesitated.

***************
I've got a buddy who's getting rich taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes. He say's it's like shooting fish in apparel.

[Stephanie B]

A girl wakes up her boyfriend and says "I just had the strangest dream! You gave me an engagement ring and proposed to me! What do you think that means?" He winks and says "I guess you'll find out tonight."

She spends the rest of the day in giddy anticipation and calling all of her friends to be ready for a big announcement.

That night he takes her to a fancy restaurant and after the meal hands her a bag with a small box inside. Excitedly she tears it open to find a book entitled How to Interpret Dreams

I hope he has a good handle on How to Sleep on the Couch.....

[Medusa]

48848

[Stephanie B]

Q: Why do men make great used-car salesmen?

A: They're experienced at lying about their equipment.

[RoyGBiv]

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. Do you understand?!!”

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs: “Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”

[Darth_Uno]

I was named after my dad.
I couldn't have been named before him.

What does a midget and a dwarf have in common?
Very little.

I don't know why people dislike vegetarians.
I've never had a beef with one.

I tried to change my car's oil and accidentally cut the brake cable.
It went downhill fast after that.

[5pins]

Q: Why do men make great used-car salesmen?

A: They're experienced at lying about their equipment.

I've never had to lie about my equipment. I let the test drive speak for its self.

[MRW]

Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other one and asks, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

[hufnagel]

I've never had to lie about my equipment. I let the test drive speak for its self.

I'm not responsible for other people's enjoyment of my tool.

[MistWolf]

Q: Why do men make great used-car salesmen?

A: They're experienced at lying about their equipment.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7TQPuFtBAI

[NEPAKevin]

I've never had to lie about my equipment. I let the test drive speak for its self.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mIl4pxMh4M

[Stephanie B]

Q: Why don't Italians like the Jehovah's Witnesses?

A: Italians don't like any witnesses.

(Told to me by a lawyer whose grandparents came from Italy)

[blues]

Q: Why don't Italians like the Jehovah's Witnesses?

A: Italians don't like any witnesses.

(Told to me by a lawyer whose grandparents came from Italy)

Sicilians bury the witnesses.

[BobLoblaw]

Q: Why do men make great used-car salesmen?

A: They're experienced at lying about their equipment.

Back in high school, we'd ask girls what they thought a dollar's length was in inches to see whose boyfriends were liars. What we found was that women don't care much about length when money's involved.

[Stephanie B]

Q: What's the difference between rosebushes and Mercedes?

A: Rosebushes have their pricks on the outside.

[Unisaw]

What’s the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? The pricks are on the outside of the porcupine.

[5pins]

A man who has always wanted to see the Super Bowl buys a ticket months in advance for $2000. He later realized that his wedding is on the same day. Not wanting to waste the tickets he post on Facebook. "I have tickets to the Super Bowl but my wedding is on the same day. I don't want to waste them so if someone would like to take my place just show up at the Baptist church on 14th street at 11 am".

[JohnO]

A man who has always wanted to see the Super Bowl buys a ticket months in advance for $2000. He later realized that his wedding is on the same day. Not wanting to waste the tickets he post on Facebook. "I have tickets to the Super Bowl but my wedding is on the same day. I don't want to waste them so if someone would like to take my place just show up at the Baptist church on 14th street at 11 am".

Can I arrive early and inspect the merchandise? An exhibition game might be in order.

[Darth_Uno]

What’s the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? The pricks are on the outside of the porcupine.

What's the difference between a BMW and an elephant? An elephant has the trunk in front and asshole in back.

[baddean]

Sicilians bury the witnesses.

I was married to a Sicilian. I don't think there is enough of the witness left to bury.

[blues]

I was married to a Sicilian. I don't think there is enough of the witness left to bury.

I'm still married to one. What's left of me. ;)

[baddean]

I'm still married to one. What's left of me. ;)

I think you're safe as long as you don't witness anything.

[MistWolf]

Once, I was asked if I was a Jehova's witness. I said, how could I be? I never even saw the accident.

[Darth_Uno]

I just finished a book on Stockholm Syndrome. It started off pretty bad, but by the end I liked it.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[RoyGBiv]

What makes Hillary Clinton invulnerable to the Caronavirus?

She drinks BleachBits.

[RJ]

Two blondes walk into a bar looking very pleased with themselves, whooping and giving high fives.
The bartender asks:
"What are you celebrating?"
"We just finished a jigsaw puzzle, in 3 days!"
"Yeah, the box said 2-4 Years!"

[Totem Polar]

Every country will eventually get the corona virus.

But china got it right off the bat.

[scjbash]

What kind of jokes does the CDC recommend?






Inside jokes.

[Kanye Wyoming]

From Jim Geraghty of National Review:


The top institution would probably have to be Harvard University, with its $40 billion endowment; the school has chosen to lay off dining hall employees. Harvard’s president and his wife have both tested positive for coronavirus. The only silver lining is that this has spurred one good joke: “If you thought the coronavirus was insufferable now, wait until it starts bragging about getting into Harvard.”

https://www.nationalreview.com/the-morning-jolt/a-hard-look-at-the-remaining-hospital-capacity-across-america/

[0ddl0t]

What did Noah use on his ark to see at night?




Flood lights

[Totem Polar]

I gave my copy of "Left of Bang" to the timber wolf pup we adopted.





:confused:



Now he is "aware wolf."




:D

[Andy in NH]

If you go home with someone and they have the banner of the former Soviet Union on their wall...that's a big red flag.

[Bart Carter]

A Plane with 5 passengers on board, Joe Biden, the Pope, Dr Anthony Fauci , Betty White and a ten year old school girl. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Dr Fauci, said “I need one. I have to help develop a cure for the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He takes one and jumps.

The Pope said “I need one, I have to help spiritually guide people through the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He takes one and jumps.

Biden said ‘‘I need one, I’m the smartest man in the USA when I'm not sleeping 16 hours a day. He takes one and jumps.

Betty White says to the ten year old ... "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life fully; yours is only starting".

The 10 year old said "don't worry; there are 2 parachutes left. Sleepy Joe took my backpack"

[Stephanie B]

Donald Trump was on a visit to Israel. While he was on a tour of Jerusalem he suffered a heart attack and died.

The undertaker told the American diplomats who were accompanying him: "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here in the Holy Land, for just $1,000."

The diplomats went into a corner and discussed this for a several minutes. They came back to the undertaker and told him they wanted the president shipped home.

The undertaker was puzzled and asked: "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here, in the Holy Land, and you would spend only $1,000?"

The diplomats replied: "A long time ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We can't risk it."

[Bart Carter]

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bible
2. A silver dollar
3. A bottle of whiskey
4. A Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door" the old preacher said to himself. “When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up."

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man and that would be okay, too.

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."

[awp_101]

Sicilians bury the witnesses.


I was married to a Sicilian. I don't think there is enough of the witness left to bury.


I'm still married to one. What's left of me. ;)


I think you're safe as long as you don't witness anything.

Now is there anybody, got a sweet little woman like mine?
There got to be somebody, got a, got a sweet little woman like mine? Yeah!
Can I get a witness?
Can I get a witness?
Can I get a witness? Yeah...
Can I get a witness? Ohhh...
Can I get a witness? Yeah...
Can I get a witness? Yes.

[SiriusBlunder]

I have been seeing a lot of jokes about the current toilet paper shortage. I do not find them very Charmin. It’s Scott to stop! This is Northern to laugh about. It’s very difficult to absorb it all. I mean, it just wipes me out. I guess I’ll have to roll along with everyone else. I have to go now…feeling flushed.
====
Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just a tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.

[Totem Polar]

What is the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi?

[Totem Polar]

The people in Dubai do not like the Flintstones the people in Abu Dhabi do!

[MistWolf]

The people in Dubai do not like the Flintstones the people in Abu Dhabi do!
Many Russians are resigned to this fact and are saying "So be it." This isn't surprising as Russia was once the heart of the So Be It Union.

[RJ]

A plane has five passengers on board: Dr. Anthony Fauci, The Pope, Hillary
Clinton, Donald Trump, and a 10 year old school girl. The plane is about to
crash and there are only four parachutes.

Dr Fauci said, “I need one because I have to help develop a cure for the
global health crisis COVID19”! He straps on a parachute and jumps.

The Pope said, “I need one because I have to spiritually guide people
through the global health crisis COVID19"! He straps on a parachute and
jumps.

Hillary Clinton said, ‘‘I need one because I’m the smartest woman in the
United States.” She straps up and jumps.

Donald Trump pauses for a moment and then turns to the 10-year-old girl.
After a deep sigh he says tenderly, "You can have the last parachute. I've
lived my life, but yours is only beginning."

The 10 year old girl looks up and says, "Don’t worry president Trump, there
are two parachutes left. The smartest woman in the United States took my
school backpack.

[5pins]

Personals:

Man with toilet paper looking for a woman with hand sanitizer for some clean fun.

[RoyGBiv]

Personals:

Man with toilet paper looking for a woman with hand sanitizer for some clean fun.

Hand sanitizer on your junk? Masochism! (You do you, but I'll pass) :o

[Bart Carter]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.

"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Frank." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

[RJ]

Stolen from elsewhere:

"From an anonymous UPS delivery driver...

5 types of customers since the “rona”:

1) Steve:
He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has 6 months provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Steve demands a handshake as I give him his package. He’s sizing me up as I deliver his ammo.
Steve will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to.

2) Brad:
He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is mad because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole Foods today. He points at the ground where he has taped a 6 ft no go zone line from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bites, and his new “Bernie Bro” hat at the tape.
Brad will not survive.
Steve will probably eat him.

3) Nancy:
She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat, and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her kids and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender, & mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about “The Rona” on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 ft rule. I will leave her yet another case of toilet paper.
She will last longer than Brad, but not Steve.

4) Karen:
She has called everybody and read them the latest news on “The Rona”. She asked for the manager at Food Lion, Walmart, Publix, McDonalds, Chi-Fil-A, and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper. Karen’s kids are currently faking “The Rona” to avoid her. I’m delivering “Hello kitchen” to her.
Karen will not survive longer than Brad.

5) Mary:
Is sitting in the swing watching her kids have a water balloon fight in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought 2 cases of pop tarts, 6 boxes of cereal, 8 bags of pizza rolls, And a 6 roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Post Malone playing in the background. I’m bringing her second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in 3 days.

Mary will survive and marry Steve.
Together they will repopulate the earth. "

[Bart Carter]

After being married for 44 years, he took a careful look at his wife one day and said, 'Love, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 21-year-old girl.

Now I have a $750,000 home, a $85,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain.'

His wife was a very reasonable woman. She told him to go out and find a hot 21-year-old girl, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis...

[Bart Carter]

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb..

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

[Andy in NH]

Do dumplings imply the existence of a larger ‘Dumple’?

[CSW]

Two Senators stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched.
One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.
After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.
Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one Senator says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."
The other Senator replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either!"


Two Senators are at the train station.
The first Senator asks the clerk, "Can I take this train to Chicago?"
"No," the clerk responds.
The second Senator asks the clerk, "Can I?"


Three blondes are trying to enter a police academy. In order to do so, they have to pass an entrance exam.
The examiner takes the first blonde into a secure room and shows her a picture for ten seconds, and then asks: “If this was your suspect, how would you remember him?”
“Easy,” the first blonde responds. “He only has one eye!”
“You fool!” yells the examiner. “Of course he has two eyes! It’s a side profile picture. You’re too stupid to be an officer. Get out of here!”
Shaking his head, the examiner takes the second blonde into the secure room and shows her the picture, asking: “If this was your suspect, how would you remember him?”
“Oh, I know!” the second blonde says. “He only has one ear!”
“You fool!” cries the examiner. “Of course he has two ears! It’s a side profile picture. You’re as dumb as the last person I tested. Get out of here!”
Frustrated, the examiner takes the third blonde into the room. “I really hope you’re smarter than the last two,” he grumbles and shows her the picture, asking: “If this was your suspect, how would you remember him?”
The third blonde furrows her brow in thought. After a few minutes, she says: “I have it! He wears contact lenses!”
The examiner is bewildered, but leaves the room to go check. He finds out that the person in the picture does indeed wear contacts.
“That’s amazing!” he says to the third blonde. “I’ve never met someone as brilliant as you. Welcome to the team! Out of curiosity, how could you tell the man in the picture had on contacts?”
“Well he couldn’t wear REGULAR glasses,” the third blonde replies. “He only has one ear and one eye!”


And finally;

Why did the Senator drive his truck off the bridge?





He wanted to check his air brakes.

[BehindBlueI's]

A plane has five passengers on board: Dr. Anthony Fauci, The Pope, Hillary
Clinton, Donald Trump, and a 10 year old school girl. The plane is about to
crash and there are only four parachutes.

I remember that one as a Dan Quayle joke the first time I heard it.

Which reminds me of an old joke about old jokes...careful with that joke, it's an antique.

[BobM]

I remember that one as a Dan Quayle joke the first time I heard it.

Which reminds me of an old joke about old jokes...careful with that joke, it's an antique.

The first time I remember hearing it, Henry Kissinger was one of the parties.

[Darth_Uno]

Little Johnny is driving his mom nuts being home for quarantine.

But they’re building a house across the street. That’s an essential business. Mom tells him, Johnny go over there and see if the boss can find something for you to do. Maybe he’ll pay you, and maybe you learn something.

Johnny comes home at 5 and says, it was great! I cut boards, and nailed them up, then I painted a door. And he gave me 20 bucks!

Mom says, that’s great, now set the table for dinner Johnny.

Johnny says, Fuck that, that’s the laborer’s job.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Bart Carter]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.’

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.’

The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.’

The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

[Andy in NH]

SIX - S = 9

[Joshmill]

SIX - S = 9

Holy dad joke! I get it. I can't bring myself to like it though.

I'll try to come up with something worse in case we want to totally derail this thread.

[0ddl0t]

Why do mountains look funny?


They are hill areas







How did Vikings communicate?


Norse code

[Andy in NH]

I'll try to come up with something worse in case we want to totally derail this thread.

FIVE - Iron = 4?

[MistWolf]

SIX - S = 9

Holy dad joke! I get it. I can't bring myself to like it though.

I'll try to come up with something worse in case we want to totally derail this thread.

You'd lead us off to be Roman aimlessly?

[Rex G]

I remember that one as a Dan Quayle joke the first time I heard it.

Which reminds me of an old joke about old jokes...careful with that joke, it's an antique.

More antique than you realize. I first heard it, with Richard Nixon, Henry Kissinger, a priest, and a hippie. Kissinger was “the smartest man in the world,” so needed one of the parachutes, then bailed out wearing the hippie’s backpack.

Yes, this was going around while Nixon was still President, so, yes, I am an antique.

[NEPAKevin]

More antique than you realize. I first heard it, with Richard Nixon, Henry Kissinger, a priest, and a hippie. Kissinger was “the smartest man in the world,” so needed one of the parachutes, then bailed out wearing the hippie’s backpack.

Yes, this was going around while Nixon was still President, so, yes, I am an antique.

When I was a kid, my dad would bring home copies of jokes that they would run off on the mimeograph at his job at a government facility. I remember reading the version of this joke with the hippy and the priest :).

[blues]

More antique than you realize. I first heard it, with Richard Nixon, Henry Kissinger, a priest, and a hippie. Kissinger was “the smartest man in the world,” so needed one of the parachutes, then bailed out wearing the hippie’s backpack.

Yes, this was going around while Nixon was still President, so, yes, I am an antique.

I remember when I was interviewed for my first position in LE and they actually asked me the "who would you save?" between your father and the president if each were drowning and you could only save one.

I told the interviewer I knew what the right answer was but...I don't think so.

[Rex G]

I remember when I was interviewed for my first position in LE and they actually asked me the "who would you save?" between your father and the president if each were drowning and you could only save one.

I told the interviewer I knew what the right answer was but...I don't think so.

Easy answer: a President is like a car tire; we have a spare. ;)

[Stephanie B]

Stolen from elsewhere:

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay envelope at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will if those lazy assholes from Lowe’s ever deliver the fucking sheetrock.”

[Andy in NH]

For sale:

1982 Delorean DMC-12.

Paneled in brushed SS304 stainless steel.

In good condition.

Only driven from time to time.

Serious inquiries only.

[Stephanie B]

Q: What five words would you say to someone who just woke up from being in a coma since 2019 to illustrate how much things have changed?

A1: You done with that ventilator?

A2: Go back to sleep, dude.

[Andy in NH]

I started watching a documentary on building battleships.
It's riveting!

[blues]

I started watching a documentary on building battleships.
It's riveting!

Why I oughta...

[CSW]

I started watching a documentary on building battleships.
It's riveting!

There's another about submarines, but it had its ups and downs...

[Stephanie B]

There's another about submarines, but it had its ups and downs...

The documentary on Sir James Dyson was pretty sucky.

The Tom Cruise Story was rather short.

They didn't greenlight the Jeffrey Epstein exposé, but nobody knows who killed it.

[Stephanie B]

A woman went to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the wizened fortune teller delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

"I have to know this," she said, her voice quavering. She looked up and met the Fortune Teller's gaze She tried to steady her voice and asked:

"Will I be acquitted?"

[Bucky]

Yesterday I saw a very beautiful woman removing the skin from an apple. It goes without saying, she was appealing.

[Andy in NH]

The Lego store reopened.

People are lining up for blocks!

[BehindBlueI's]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnBn2GbSTpw

[beenalongtime]

Prefer this one.


https://youtu.be/gi_6SaqVQSw

[Andy in NH]

What do you call the phobia of chainsaws?
Common sense.

[Bigguy]

OK, I'm not SAYING the contest is rigged or anything, but anybody else notice that Miss Universe is ALWAYS from EARTH?

56297

[5pins]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3YNQ2a29hI

[Bigguy]

I ran a comic strip in the local paper for 2 1/2 years. Thought I'd post a few.
57470

[Bigguy]

Here is another strip I tried. It never was published anywhere.
57471

[Bigguy]

57500

[Andy in NH]

Did I tell you that I yelled into a colander?

I strained my voice!

[Totem Polar]

Did you hear about the peaceful protestors who trashed and looted the historic Meaux cheese factory south of Paris?

All that was left was piles of de brie...

Glenn E. Meyer


—
Did you hear about the “renaissance lives matter” protest?

It devolved into a bunch of late-night luting...

Lex Luthier


—
What belief system do the rioters who bring piles of bricks for others to throw belong to?

Free masonry...


Thanyewverymuch #tipyourserver

[SAWBONES]

Did you hear about the peaceful protestors who trashed and looted the historic Meaux cheese factory south of Paris?

All that was left was piles of de brie...

—
Did you hear about the “renaissance lives matter” protest?

It devolved into a bunch of late-night luting...

—
What belief system do the rioters who bring piles of bricks for others to throw belong to?

Free masonry...




Stole those...

[Bigguy]

58229

[Bigguy]

Type into your browser address bar: donaldjtrump.com/"any random characters" and hit enter. example: donaldjtrump.com/8jemno3

[Andy in NH]

I just received the Russian Covid vaccine and so far I have no side efectoski secundarioski Президент Российской Федерации; Президент россии.

[CSW]

I just received the Russian Covid vaccine and so far I have no side efectoski secundarioski Президент Российской Федерации; Президент россии.

Da!

[Stephanie B]

I just received the Russian Covid vaccine and so far I have no side efectoski secundarioski Президент Российской Федерации; Президент россии.

Да!

FIFY

[Stephanie B]

A man walked into a bar in New Orleans: I’ll have a corona and two hurricanes.

Bartender: That’ll be $20.20.

[Greg]

You have to read this in the voice of Mel Brooks.


Back in the frontier days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food.
No other humans had been seen for days, when finally they saw an "Old Jewish Man" sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?

"Vell," the old Jew said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."

The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.

"So why did he say not to go there?" some of the pioneers asked.

"Oh, you know those Jews -- they don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who barely manages to escape back to the old Jew, who's enjoying a "glassel tea."

The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree! There was hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."

The old Jew holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an old English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree.

It vuz a ham bush!"

[blues]

Oy vey.

[JohnO]

Mashugana!

[CSW]

Shoulda had a schmear...

[Joshmill]

Groan!!!!



But I know exactly who I'm going to forward it to.

[Andy in NH]

If anyone gets an email from me about canned meat, please don't open it.

It's spam.

[Tokarev]

Every morning, the director of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine stall is always located. He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes an excellent look.

One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?"

The Director asks in turn arrogantly: "Why are you so interested in that?"

"I have a million dollars in your bank," the shoeshine says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."

"What's your name?" asks the Director. ……"John Smith," is the reply.

The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department: "Do we have a client named John Smith?"
"We certainly do, he has a million dollars in his account."

The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says:
"Mr. Smith, I'd like you to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you."

At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members:

"We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner; But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account.
I invited him to tell us the story of his life."

Mr. Smith began his story:
"I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted.

"I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for fifty cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes.

"I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele."
"I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while I was able to buy a chair so that my clients could sit comfortably while I cleaned their shoes and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny.

"A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place. And then, three months ago my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, died and she left me a million dollars.

Sent from my SM-A505U using Tapatalk

[Bigguy]

59319

[DDTSGM]

https://apis.mail.yahoo.com/ws/v3/mailboxes/@.id==VjN-yawD7651IxA35qTLy0XTIA7rZaxDoCu7crsjydQSvGIOngMB4l Zvzi87jvchLcmt4QS589m2ULn4HOf3kMCF_g/messages/@.id==AGyXN3s3e7UtXzhYRQRReA_beLw/content/parts/@.id==2.34/thumbnail?appId=YMailNorrin&downloadWhenThumbnailFails=true&pid=2.34

[Stephanie B]

Q: Why did they fire the Arizona State Cartographer?

A: He had no sense of Yuma.

[CleverNickname]

https://apis.mail.yahoo.com/ws/v3/mailboxes/@.id==VjN-yawD7651IxA35qTLy0XTIA7rZaxDoCu7crsjydQSvGIOngMB4l Zvzi87jvchLcmt4QS589m2ULn4HOf3kMCF_g/messages/@.id==AGyXN3s3e7UtXzhYRQRReA_beLw/content/parts/@.id==2.34/thumbnail?appId=YMailNorrin&downloadWhenThumbnailFails=true&pid=2.34

We can't see email attachments in your email box.

[DDTSGM]

We can't see email attachments in your email box.

Okay, won't try that anymore. Thanks.

[Totem Polar]

Dr. Johnson is approached by Ted, a new vampire.

“I just got turned,” Ted tells him. “You gotta help me out. I need blood, and I don’t want to kill anyone.”

Dr. Johnson agrees to help, providing Ted with the blood bags he needs. He refers Ted to counseling to deal with the psychological effects of the change. He even lets Ted crash on his couch while he looks for a job with a night shift opening.

But a week later, during his rounds on the coma ward, Dr. Johnson notices suspicious marks on several necks.

Ted confesses. “I just couldn’t resist.”

Dr. Johnson sighs. “I wanted to help you. I really did. I gave you food, and I even offered you a place to stay. But now, Ted—”

Dr Johnson shakes his head, “You’re beginning to try my patients.”

[0ddl0t]

Dr. Johnson is approached by Ted, a new vampire.

“I just got turned,” Ted tells him. “You gotta help me out. I need blood, and I don’t want to kill anyone.”

Dr. Johnson agrees to help, providing Ted with the blood bags he needs. He refers Ted to counseling to deal with the psychological effects of the change. He even lets Ted crash on his couch while he looks for a job with a night shift opening.

But a week later, during his rounds on the coma ward, Dr. Johnson notices suspicious marks on several necks.

Ted confesses. “I just couldn’t resist.”

Dr. Johnson sighs. “I wanted to help you. I really did. I gave you food, and I even offered you a place to stay. But now, Ted—”

Dr Johnson shakes his head, “You’re beginning to try my patients.”
Oh that's so bad I just had to pass it on!

[Totem Polar]

Q: What do you call a solitary crow trying to get back to his family?

A: attempted murder

[Stephanie B]

After the Hurricane of 1938 hit, an old fisherman, let’s call him Jack Jones, was walking down by the piers. Another fisherman saw him, hurried over and said: “Jack, they told me you was dead!”

Jack said: “Really?”

The other fisherman said: “Yep. They told me they have your body at the temporary morgue, up in the schoolhouse.”

So Jack went to the schoolhouse. He found one of the morgue attendants and asked to see the body of Jack Jones, the fisherman. The morgue attendant took him over to a stretcher and then pulled the covering sheet down to uncover the head of the body.

Jack studied it closely for a minute, then turned to the attendant and said: “Nope. ‘Tain’t me.”

[awp_101]

A girl has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to Egypt where his family names him Amal, the other ends up in Spain and is named Juan.

About 20 years later she gets a letter from Juan with a picture of himself. She tells her husband “I wish I had a picture of Amal as well.”

Her husband replies “Honey, they’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal!”

[CleverNickname]

https://twitter.com/Browtweaten/status/1303022794213658625

[Totem Polar]

Genie: I will grant you three wishes.

Me. Okay, first I want a world without lawyers.

Genie: Done. You have no more wishes.

Me: I thought you said I had three.

Genie: Sue me.

[Bucky]

Genie: I will grant you three wishes.

Me. Okay, first I want a world without lawyers.

Genie: Done. You have no more wishes.

Me: I thought you said I had three.

Genie: Sue me.

Let’s just say after the week I having, that’d be good enough for me. ;)

[SiriusBlunder]

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured.... ain't nobody gonna steal Henry."

[beenalongtime]

So boss died a few weeks ago, and a salesman comes in and asks to speak to the owner. Was it wrong to put his ashes up there?

[Bigguy]

61133

[MistWolf]

Look!" I said to my brother, pointing to the sky. "A flock of turtles!"

He turned to me, a wry expression on his face. "Turtles don't flock," he said.

"Of course, they do," I explained patiently. "Where do you think little turtles come from?"

[Bigguy]

A guy goes into a bar and takes a seat. He puts a cigaret in his mouth, then starts patting himself down, trying to find a lighter.
“Hang on a second,” the guys next to him says, then reaches down a takes a butane lighter that is a foot long from a bag at his feet. He sets it on the table, depresses the button, and flame shoots from the top of the enormous lighter.
The first guy is surprised, but carefully lights his cigaret. “Where did you get That?” he asks his new friend.
“From a genie.” comes the answer.
“The heck you say!” the first guy exclaims.
“See for yourself,” the other guy says as he pulls an old lamp from the same bag that had the lighter. He hands it to the other man who experimental gives it a rub.
Suddenly, POOF, and there stands a genie. “You have one wish Sahib,” the genie declares.
The man is surprised, but quickly recovers. “Well that’s easy,” he says. “I want a million bucks.”
“Granted!" declares the genie, then disappears.
A second later, the window at the front of the bar is shattered as a mallard comes flying through it. The bird hits the wall just above the startled patrons, breaking its neck. A second later another bird comes crashing into the bar. Then 10, then 20, then hundreds, then thousands of birds are dive bombing into the bar.
The two guys jump behind the counter for protection as the onslaught continues. When it finally ends they stand and see the bar almost completely full of dead and dying birds. “What the heck was that?” the first guy says.
“That’s your million ducks,” says his companion.
“Bucks, not ducks!” the first guy says, “Is that stupid genie hard of hearing?”
The other man says, “You don’t seriously think I intentionally wasted my wish on a 12 inch cigaret lighter do you?”

[archangel]

A guy goes into a bar and takes a seat. He puts a cigaret in his mouth, then starts patting himself down, trying to find a lighter.
“Hang on a second,” the guys next to him says, then reaches down a takes a butane lighter that is a foot long from a bag at his feet. He sets it on the table, depresses the button, and flame shoots from the top of the enormous lighter.
The first guy is surprised, but carefully lights his cigaret. “Where did you get That?” he asks his new friend.
“From a genie.” comes the answer.
“The heck you say!” the first guy exclaims.
“See for yourself,” the other guy says as he pulls an old lamp from the same bag that had the lighter. He hands it to the other man who experimental gives it a rub.
Suddenly, POOF, and there stands a genie. “You have one wish Sahib,” the genie declares.
The man is surprised, but quickly recovers. “Well that’s easy,” he says. “I want a million bucks.”
“Granted!" declares the genie, then disappears.
A second later, the window at the front of the bar is shattered as a mallard comes flying through it. The bird hits the wall just above the startled patrons, breaking its neck. A second later another bird comes crashing into the bar. Then 10, then 20, then hundreds, then thousands of birds are dive bombing into the bar.
The two guys jump behind the counter for protection as the onslaught continues. When it finally ends they stand and see the bar almost completely full of dead and dying birds. “What the heck was that?” the first guy says.
“That’s your million ducks,” says his companion.
“Bucks, not ducks!” the first guy says, “Is that stupid genie hard of hearing?”
The other man says, “You don’t seriously think I intentionally wasted my wish on a 12 inch cigaret lighter do you?”


In the version of this that I've heard, the first guy had a 1-foot tall piano player.

[5pins]

A conversation I just had with my son.

Me; "I can't say no to your mom."

Son; "Dad, you are a big boy, you can say no to mom."

Me; "If I could say no to your mom, I wouldn't have two kids."

[Totem Polar]

In the version of this that I've heard, the first guy had a 1-foot tall piano player.

Ditto.

Do you know the one about the guy who goes into a bar and draws gasps, because his head is literally half the size of a normal person’s?

His genie looked like Barbara Eden—for his 3rd wish, he asked for...

;)