On a serious note, why not consult some elecro geeks, give them a timer and the promise of a check (I am sure there are enough guys here to buy one) if they can produce results. A basic timer seems pretty simple to get working and we have multiple examples to tear apart and get an idea of the guts needed. Give them a footprint to work within and let them have at it.
I know mechanical stuff, not electro, but I also do not see why it could not store data or even transmit to any paired bluetooth device. CSV data would be plenty for me, with a timestamp.
You forgot ambidextrous and molle capable. Lightweight would be ideal, along with a midlength piston gas system.
Honestly though, it seems like it might not be too hard to design one and have it made...