I don’t carry a gun anymore.

[BWT]

I respect you and I see your point, I just wonder if “life of service” Means what we want it to mean

I’ve taken hundreds of hours of executive protection courses, defense/offensive driving, medical basics, rolled BJJ too often and gotten my ass kicked most the time, sent 1,000’s of rounds down my own range, shot out of car, helos and all that stuff. Certainly it had value and I called it my service to keep my family “safe”. But the truth is most it served my ego the most. I hope I retained the bulk of it but probably not.

I’ve said no to playing in the park or trampoline park, jumping in the pool and a ton of those kinds of things my kids asked me to do because I was busy “keeping them safe”

You’re right, we should do what makes us happy and we should avoid potentially dangerous high risk/low reward activities. The issue there is it’s such a subjective measurement that at the extreme end you’re ordering take out under a fake name from a burner phone and parking 3 blocks away while you walk to get it and pay in cash so you can be ultra gray and safe.

It’s just not worth the added “value” for me to live so sterile any more. And I have. Perhaps I was safer to some degree but that lifestyle isn’t of service to anyone who isn’t actively being hunted.

I know this is late to the party. But this makes the most sense.

I gave up BJJ for my kids for this reason. Who gives a crap what belt color I get or how many stripes or if I ever win a competition. Imagine being some old geezer telling the grandkids “you know grandpa won a No-Gi all submissions match back in the day” after I’m divorced and alienated from my kids.

I don’t see a direct correlation between BJJ and divorce to be 1000% clear here, but what I did see in my realm of peers was a group of guys that were leaving everything behind as frequently as they could to do things they enjoyed and then griping about their wives being pissed. I knew being out of the house 2-3 times a week.

There was one guy who I think handled it wholesomely and his kids and eventually wife were all there with him.

I started back to the gym last summer and I’m down 30 lbs because I got out of shape with jobs changes and having kids.

But I’m with you here brother. It’s why my additional USPSA matches haven’t happened or I haven’t gone back to BJJ. I’m terrified of becoming my father who was also an IT Consultant and golfed a ton then became an alcoholic. Now he’s battling cancer for the second time, alone in his house after his wife he met in Alcoholics Anonymous and left my mom for died of cancer, unable to move to be closer to the state where his kids and ex-wife moved away to. I call him a couple of times a week and try to get down there as frequently as I can. I just try to spend as much time as I can with him anyway I can. All I struggle now is with regret of I wish I could’ve had more time and try to make more time with him. I tried to maintain as much relationship as I could and I forgave those things above, but I still look at how it all unfolded what principles and decisions led there now as a guidance of what not to do.

I went to the gym twice this week and I’m pushing fitness because of the above. I put my kids to bed every night and I’m home with my wife every night. I try to lead family devotionals and shape my kids life into something I would’ve always wanted from a Dad. Will the guys at BJJ or USPSA ever understand or care? Probably not. But I simply can’t come to terms with that. Am I probably unbalanced due to my prior experiences? Probably. But… it is what it is.

I do think about BJJ once a month as I’m helping out at church security and they’re timid for letting someone carry (they want buy off from the insurance company which I don’t think will ever happen, but they have two police officers there every Sunday service). I carry everywhere else.

In this light I can respect your decision. Take care of yourself and your family as you best see fit, and man - I really hope you get those memories with your kids. They’re still there and you’re still their Father. Who gives a **** about anything else.

[4RNR]

I know this is late to the party. But this makes the most sense.

I gave up BJJ for my kids for this reason. Who gives a crap what belt color I get or how many stripes or if I ever win a competition. Imagine being some old geezer telling the grandkids “you know grandpa won a No-Gi all submissions match back in the day” after I’m divorced and alienated from my kids.

I don’t see a direct correlation between BJJ and divorce to be 1000% clear here, but what I did see in my realm of peers was a group of guys that were leaving everything behind as frequently as they could to do things they enjoyed and then griping about their wives being pissed. I knew being out of the house 2-3 times a week.

There was one guy who I think handled it wholesomely and his kids and eventually wife were all there with him.

I started back to the gym last summer and I’m down 30 lbs because I got out of shape with jobs changes and having kids.

But I’m with you here brother. It’s why my additional USPSA matches haven’t happened or I haven’t gone back to BJJ. I’m terrified of becoming my father who was also an IT Consultant and golfed a ton then became an alcoholic. Now he’s battling cancer for the second time, alone in his house after his wife he met in Alcoholics Anonymous and left my mom for died of cancer, unable to move to be closer to the state where his kids and ex-wife moved away to. I call him a couple of times a week and try to get down there as frequently as I can. I just try to spend as much time as I can with him anyway I can. All I struggle now is with regret of I wish I could’ve had more time and try to make more time with him. I tried to maintain as much relationship as I could and I forgave those things above, but I still look at how it all unfolded what principles and decisions led there now as a guidance of what not to do.

I went to the gym twice this week and I’m pushing fitness because of the above. I put my kids to bed every night and I’m home with my wife every night. I try to lead family devotionals and shape my kids life into something I would’ve always wanted from a Dad. Will the guys at BJJ or USPSA ever understand or care? Probably not. But I simply can’t come to terms with that. Am I probably unbalanced due to my prior experiences? Probably. But… it is what it is.

I do think about BJJ once a month as I’m helping out at church security and they’re timid for letting someone carry (they want buy off from the insurance company which I don’t think will ever happen, but they have two police officers there every Sunday service). I carry everywhere else.

In this light I can respect your decision. Take care of yourself and your family as you best see fit, and man - I really hope you get those memories with your kids. They’re still there and you’re still their Father. Who gives a **** about anything else.

Who cares what your peers do as long as it works for you?

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[Noah]

I know this is late to the party. But this makes the most sense.

I gave up BJJ for my kids for this reason. Who gives a crap what belt color I get or how many stripes or if I ever win a competition. Imagine being some old geezer telling the grandkids “you know grandpa won a No-Gi all submissions match back in the day” after I’m divorced and alienated from my kids.

I don’t see a direct correlation between BJJ and divorce to be 1000% clear here, but what I did see in my realm of peers was a group of guys that were leaving everything behind as frequently as they could to do things they enjoyed and then griping about their wives being pissed. I knew being out of the house 2-3 times a week.

There was one guy who I think handled it wholesomely and his kids and eventually wife were all there with him.

I started back to the gym last summer and I’m down 30 lbs because I got out of shape with jobs changes and having kids.

But I’m with you here brother. It’s why my additional USPSA matches haven’t happened or I haven’t gone back to BJJ. I’m terrified of becoming my father who was also an IT Consultant and golfed a ton then became an alcoholic. Now he’s battling cancer for the second time, alone in his house after his wife he met in Alcoholics Anonymous and left my mom for died of cancer, unable to move to be closer to the state where his kids and ex-wife moved away to. I call him a couple of times a week and try to get down there as frequently as I can. I just try to spend as much time as I can with him anyway I can. All I struggle now is with regret of I wish I could’ve had more time and try to make more time with him. I tried to maintain as much relationship as I could and I forgave those things above, but I still look at how it all unfolded what principles and decisions led there now as a guidance of what not to do.

I went to the gym twice this week and I’m pushing fitness because of the above. I put my kids to bed every night and I’m home with my wife every night. I try to lead family devotionals and shape my kids life into something I would’ve always wanted from a Dad. Will the guys at BJJ or USPSA ever understand or care? Probably not. But I simply can’t come to terms with that. Am I probably unbalanced due to my prior experiences? Probably. But… it is what it is.

I do think about BJJ once a month as I’m helping out at church security and they’re timid for letting someone carry (they want buy off from the insurance company which I don’t think will ever happen, but they have two police officers there every Sunday service). I carry everywhere else.

In this light I can respect your decision. Take care of yourself and your family as you best see fit, and man - I really hope you get those memories with your kids. They’re still there and you’re still their Father. Who gives a **** about anything else.

This. I absolutely believe in being prepared to defend your family, and even spending a little time doing things you enjoy, beyond just their training/defensive value.

But if you do that as much as possible at the expense of your family and faith (if those apply to you) while telling yourself and others that you do them for the sake of your family, you're defeating your own alleged goal. This applies to your time, your money, and what you spend time thinking about and pursuing. Preaching to myself here.

There's a balance somewhere, but like you say, the current cultural trend of fathers wanting to get away from their families at every opportunity and wondering why their relationships with their wife and kids aren't great is just stupid. My friends rip me a little for not being able to go to USPSA matches on Sunday, but I can't be ditching my wife to deal with the baby by herself at church on Sunday and then be surprised when she's not thrilled. My defensive hobbies (because they are both) need to serve my family, not the other way around.

Like Duke said earlier in other words, if you never play with your kids because you're too busy "defending them", you're probably doing more harm than good.

If you're single or have no kids and want to be the next USPSA GM, different equation.

[BWT]

Who cares what your peers do as long as it works for you?

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I don’t look down my nose at anyone just to be clear, but the viewpoint I expressed altered my actions.

I explained to some of the close friends I did BJJ with but practically some of those same guys would poor mouth guys who quit for other reasons with lines like “Well, I guess this never really meant anything to you” or “(so and so) quit because his kids”, or a myriad of other things citing a person’s character that made it inflammatory for me.

Sometimes the wrong BJJ gyms got a bit of a cult vibe and I’ve seen it with other man activities. I just reject the premise and drive on.

However, I’m not painting with a broad brush of all guys who do those activities. I just couldn’t make it all fit and it fell low enough on the priority list that it eventually no longer made sense. Anyway, I’m rambling.

[45dotACP]

There's only so much time and so much money.

I can't really afford to buy whole new pistol platforms or AR15s because that money should be thought of as also belonging to my wife and I. Not just me. And we have other, more important purchases to make together. Eventually we will have kids. There are only so many hours and so many dollars. And the important allocation of those dollars and hours is to my family.

Realistically, I'm almost a purple belt. I can easily defeat someone well over 100lbs heavier than I am. I am a B class shooter. My technical shooting prowess is higher than most gun owners. I can lift my bodyweight (180lbs) or more on Bench, Squat, Deadlift. I'm probably stronger than most people by that metric alone.

I'll admit I'm kinda falling out of the gun thing. I'll always be a fan of guns and still occasionally go shooting...but I'll probably be selling way more stuff because USPSA or shooting classes are just one more day of the week I'm not with family, lifting weights or at BJJ.

I'm good at managing my time, and often lift early in the morning on days off. BJJ is 2x a week tops. But I'm not good enough at managing my time for training for and competing USPSA or an organized dry fire routine that will actually improve my skill past B class.


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[Noah]

There's only so much time and so much money.

I can't really afford to buy whole new pistol platforms or AR15s because that money should be thought of as also belonging to my wife and I. Not just me. And we have other, more important purchases to make together. Eventually we will have kids. There are only so many hours and so many dollars. And the important allocation of those dollars and hours is to my family.

Realistically, I'm almost a purple belt. I can easily defeat someone well over 100lbs heavier than I am. I am a B class shooter. My technical shooting prowess is higher than most gun owners. I can lift my bodyweight (180lbs) or more on Bench, Squat, Deadlift. I'm probably stronger than most people by that metric alone.

I'll admit I'm kinda falling out of the gun thing. I'll always be a fan of guns and still occasionally go shooting...but I'll probably be selling way more stuff because USPSA or shooting classes are just one more day of the week I'm not with family, lifting weights or at BJJ.

I'm good at managing my time, and often lift early in the morning on days off. BJJ is 2x a week tops. But I'm not good enough at managing my time for training for and competing USPSA or an organized dry fire routine that will actually improve my skill past B class.


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If you practice just enough to stay around B class, you "probably" ain't gonna be kilt in the streets. Performance is performance and more performance or ability is better than less, no doubt, and every possible situation has a "not good enough" meter. But as you say, time and money are finite...

[Trooper224]

For many of us, when we're young we live heavily by Rule # 2, "Never get out of the boat, unless you've going all the way. "

If it's worth doing, it's worth 100%, or nothing. Honestly, I think the OP may fall victim to this mindset. Duke feels that he no longer desires to give it everything, so the only option is to dump it completely.

If there's one thing that age teaches us it's moderation and balance. At 56, I still workout on the regular, but with nowhere near the intensity I put into it in my younger days. I shoot, but not with the frequency I used to, or at the pre corona uprising round count. One hundred rounds a week seems to keep my skillset in working order. If there are weeks I need to skip the range, or mornings I can't hit the gym before work, the sun still rises and life is still good. If I go somewhere where the pros of being armed don't outweigh the cons, I leave the rod at home and make it through, surprisingly enough.

I've seen clubs, gyms, dojos and plenty of discussion forums, with that cult like all or nothing attitude. Invariably, they're populated by people trying to fill a hole in their life. You may wind up being a fifty degree black shorts in Squatting Chicken Ryu, or have every trophy, coin, hat or pin the neck beard crowd can hand out, but your kids won't know who you are and your spouse might give up caring.

Putting family before hobbies and pursuits is never a bad thing. Those things can also live lower on the priority list and still have value.