Wife's ex husband causing issues

[underhook]

I echo the sentiments about being careful around weak / desperate / insecure people.

Desperate people do desperate things and don’t tend to care or respect legal recommendations.

+1. Personal experience aligns with this. The problem is "the system" looks only at hard evidence and a weak / desperate / insecure person can kick the ball off making you look like the problem. Get ahead of this then you at least have a paper trail showing he is the problem and you are concerned.

To JCN's point, violence from them is a real possibility.

[WobblyPossum]

I’m sorry to hear you’re having to deal with this. You’ve received a ton of good advice about making records of every interaction between yourself and the ex. While the possibility that getting an attorney and pushing for full custody sets him off exists, it sounds like the ex’s behavior isn’t good for your children. Have you discussed the marijuana use, inappropriate television, and school issues with him? If you have, and he isn’t receptive, maybe it is time to get an attorney involved. If legal action does set him off and he does something violent, even a justified use of force to protect yourself and your family against the ex has a likelihood of traumatizing the children. Seeing you hurt their father won’t do anything great for your relationship.

@RoyGBiv’s suggestion of starting the kids in counseling isn’t a bad idea. Like he said, this situation is putting the kids in emotional and mental circumstances they might not be prepared to deal with right now.

[HCM]

The prior advice regarding cameras, documenting everything and keeping your cool are all good advice

With regards to the kids is there a custody schedule? If so make sure you stick to it if not you need a schedule.
Unless it is a scheduled time to pick up the kids or there are exigent circumstances there is no reason for this guy to be driving by your house or you wife’s work. That would constitute surveillance which seems to fall into the stocking statute for the state of New Mexico.

It will be important to document everything in order to show the continuing N escalating pattern of behavior if things can’t be otherwise resolved.

One option would be to modify custody conditions such that all custody exchanges are done at a third-party location so there is no reason for him to come to your residence or your wife’s workplace.

https://law.justia.com/codes/new-mex...ction-30-3a-3/

Chapter 30 - Criminal Offenses.
Article 3A - Harassment and Stalking
Section 30-3A-3 - Stalking; penalties.
30-3A-3. Stalking; penalties.

A. Stalking consists of knowingly pursuing a pattern of conduct, without lawful authority, directed at a specific individual when the person intends that the pattern of conduct would place the individual in reasonable apprehension of death, bodily harm, sexual assault, confinement or restraint of the individual or another individual.

B. As used in this section:

(1) "lawful authority" means within the scope of lawful employment or constitutionally protected activity; and

(2) "pattern of conduct" means two or more acts, on more than one occasion, in which the alleged stalker by any action, method, device or means, directly, indirectly or through third parties, follows, monitors, surveils, threatens or communicates to or about a person.

[breakingtime91]

The prior advice regarding cameras, documenting everything and keeping your cool are all good advice

With regards to the kids is there a custody schedule? If so make sure you stick to it if not you need a schedule.
Unless it is a scheduled time to pick up the kids or there are exigent circumstances there is no reason for this guy to be driving by your house or you wife’s work. That would constitute surveillance which seems to fall into the stocking statute for the state of New Mexico.

It will be important to document everything in order to show the continuing N escalating pattern of behavior if things can’t be otherwise resolved.

One option would be to modify custody conditions such that all custody exchanges are done at a third-party location so there is no reason for him to come to your residence or your wife’s workplace.

https://law.justia.com/codes/new-mex...ction-30-3a-3/

Thank you! He uses right of refusal (each party must notify the other if they won't be with the kids for more then two hours that the other parent is allowed to have them). He often doesn't give her right of refusal but still wants his, so much so apparently that he drives by her work to see if she is there and now by our house.

[HCM]

Thank you! He uses right of refusal (each party must notify the other if they won't be with the kids for more then two hours that the other parent is allowed to have them). He often doesn't give her right of refusal but still wants his, so much so apparently that he drives by her work to see if she is there and now by our house.

Context is significant and legal matters. If he is using right of refusal as justification for the constant drive-bys any decent attorney should be able to articulate that it is a miss use of that provision. Overuse or miss use of such a provision Can constitute harassment, if not criminally, at least in the context of civil law and getting the custody agreement modified.

Make sure you have cameras covering both near to the house and at least one recording passing traffic To document has drive-bys.

Not sure what type of place your wife works at if it’s a small business they might be amenable to providing her video footage. If the guy is really unstable they might need to be aware that they should be alarmed if he is coming around. Unless she brings the kids to work with her he doesn’t have any business being there.

How does this guy have time to do this? Is he employed? Self-employed? Unemployed?

[breakingtime91]

Context is significant and legal matters. If he is using right of refusal as justification for the constant drive-bys any decent attorney should be able to articulate that it is a miss use of that provision. Overuse or miss use of such a provision Can constitute harassment, if not criminally, at least in the context of civil law and getting the custody agreement modified.

Make sure you have cameras covering both near to the house and at least one recording passing traffic To document has drive-bys.

Not sure what type of place your wife works at if it’s a small business they might be amenable to providing her video footage. If the guy is really unstable they might need to be aware that they should be alarmed if he is coming around. Unless she brings the kids to work with her he doesn’t have any business being there.

How does this guy have time to do this? Is he employed? Self-employed? Unemployed?

We think he's unemployed or a door dasher. He constantly changes jobs. We don't think he is mentally healthy, it is concerning how often he knows where she is, or if we are out on a date.

[BN]

Consider checking his social media and get screen shots of anything important. If you and your wife use social media, consider keeping any personal stuff off and only post innocent stuff that is not family oriented. Does your wife still have the same cell phone as when they were together? Possible tracking apps? And as previous posters have said, document, document, document. Online searches of all variations of his name might be interesting. Does he have friends and family nearby and who are they?

[coldcase1984]

I would counsel going to your LEA's Family Crimes Unit and ask for guidance. Take all current documentation with you.

Now.

[HCM]

We think he's unemployed or a door dasher. He constantly changes jobs. We don't think he is mentally healthy, it is concerning how often he knows where she is, or if we are out on a date.

Document document and articulate all of that to your new civil/family law attorney.

If he is abusing the right of refusal provision to harass and surveillance you attorney can articulate to a judge why the provision needs to be modified or removed. Once he no longer has that for cover if he continues the behavior he may be amenable to criminal charges for stalking.

Your attorney can advise you best but one strategy would be to simply ask for strict custody schedule with all transfers to be at a third-party location. If his behavior continues to be problematic you can either seek full custody or request modification to custody being exchanged through a third-party so that there is no reason for you or your wife to ever be in the axis physical presence. If that doesn’t work you can still go for full custody.

By asking for limited / progressive changes based on his behavior You accomplish two things, you appear reasonable to the court and hopefully you avoid having this guys cheese slide off his cracker completely due to not having any contact at all with his kids.

It doesn’t sound like this guy really has the resources for any sort of protracted custody battle.

[Clusterfrack]

… hopefully you avoid having this guys cheese slide off his cracker completely

@HCM’s advice is excellent. One thought: if the guy is a legitimate threat, a viable tactic is to let him lose his shit in a way you can document, and on your schedule not his.