Wife's ex husband causing issues

[breakingtime91]

Looking for some advise on a situation that has gotten pretty stressful. My wife's ex husband (she has two kids with him) is starting to do things that make me really uneasy. He has been typically just a pain in the ass, telling the girls not to like me, saying stupid shit to my wife, and refusing to meet me regardless that the girls live in our house the majority of the time. Now it has gotten where he asks the girls about everything we do, driving by my bride's work to see if she is there so he can pick the girls up from me, and now driving by our house to see if the girls are with her.

Kind of the tipping point for me tonight was I went out to the grocery store and she had our four kids in the house with her (her 2 and my 2 but they are our kids) and my truck wasn't in the drive way. He never calls to talk to the kids and texts her "im calling the kids" and called a couple minutes later. We are almost positive he is driving by our house multiple times a night to "catch her" and confront me about watching the girls.


This is more venting because I am a very private person and my house is my castle kind of guy. He is shattering that sense of reprieve from the world. The worst part is, I have never said anything bad to the guy or about him. I have been nice to him, respectful, reassuring, and tried to be the best step dad I can be (I was raised by one) when dealing with his bullshit. Tonight just pushed it to far for me but there isn't anything I can do.


I now have cameras charging to put up but man, this has been a lot more stressful then I thought it would be.

[Malamute]

Hang tough and dont let him push your buttons.

Maintain your cool.

[paherne]

Cameras focused on the house and street in front of the house. Never have interactions where you are not on camera and keep your cool.

[Duelist]

+1 on keeping your cool. Don’t monkey dance.

[Bergeron]

I've only got an ex-wife, and I don't have kids, but...

Document everything, get a great lawyer, and when the time comes, get some kind of protective order against this lunatic. You'll have to back and up and prove everything, with crossing those ts and dotting those is, but if you can prove harassment, and your wife is on your side (both sound like the case), then this dude is acting out on borrowed time.

[Clusterfrack]

I would ask your wife to have a chat with him about it. She should ask questions and make it clear that his behavior is concerning to her. Maybe invite him out for dinner with the two of you--or just have a meeting to discuss concerns? A mediator might be helpful.

And, as @Bergeron said. Lawyer. Documents.

[breakingtime91]

I would ask your wife to have a chat with him about it. She should ask questions and make it clear that his behavior is concerning to her. Maybe invite him out for dinner with the two of you--or just have a meeting to discuss concerns? A mediator might be helpful.

And, as @Bergeron said. Lawyer. Documents.

All great advice and I have 100% maintained my cool. Nothing stupid said and all said via text that was supporting of a coparenting relationship and pointing out how certain stuff was making it hard. The dinner is a great idea if he would actually meet me, he refuses. Will only talk to me via text or phone and won't look at me in person. This isn't even discussing what he does negatively to the girls at his house (smoking weed, growing weed, watching movies like IT with our 8 and 5 year old, Dexter, any other scary movie you can think of, and kids showing up to our house after school on transition day and telling us they stayed up all night playing video games with dad). Youngest is constantly missing school on his days or falling asleep. My wife is 100% on my side or more like I am on hers, we both are just so stressed out and feel watched.

[Clusterfrack]

Ugggg. That is not good. Sounds like the best, safest thing for your family long term is to begin a case for sole custody. This will take time, money, and strategy.

[Tensaw]

Ugggg. I get you. It might be helpful to see things from his perspective for just a second. Sounds like a loser with not much of a life. He has nothing better to do with his time than this stuff. He has little-to-nothing to lose. He either knows what he is doing and is doing it on purpose, or is such a butthole he is oblivious to how he comes off (my bet is the first thing). You, on the other hand, have quite a bit to lose. Your problem is, you end up wrestling with a pig - and we know how that goes. So, play the long game.

One of two things will happen at some point. Either he will find a new lady friend and decide he is more interested in spending time with her than harassing ya’ll; or he will get to far over his skis and give you something real to work with.

The cameras are a good move. A system that also records audio is good. I’m not sure if it is better to have them prominently displayed, or very covert. A combination of both might be good. Put a couple “in his face” to steer him to a location where he doesn’t know he is on camera. When he comments on the new system to whomever, they need to play it off. “Hey, there are a lot of nut jobs out there nowadays you know. We are just trying to be careful. But man, these cameras catch everything!” He’ll get the message, but he will have nowhere to go with that.

Final thing. In terms of direct personal interaction with him. Mossad Ayoob made a point a long time ago about trying to always be Officer Friendly when interacting with folks. He pointed out that there is a lot of communicating that can get done when the smiles and whatnot simply go away - and that really can’t be used against you. The flip of that is, if you cold shoulder him and if he thinks he is getting to you, he may be emboldened.

But yeah, document as much as you can (screenshots of text messages are gold; as are call logs) and build the record. Try not to take the bait.

I had a situation a little while ago with a pretty terrible neighbor. I got really close to letting him have it verbally a few times - but I just bit my tongue and bided my time. Then one day, he up and moved away. Me and the other neighbors literally had a party. I’m glad I didn’t burn him down. It would have felt good in the moment, but it would have made things a lot worse in the long run. Be smart and play the long game.

ETA: The last two posts (yours and CF) hit while I was typing my diatribe. This guy is an inferior personality (and an all-around dirtbag it sounds like). He will likely never square off with you - but he will stick a knife in you if you give him your back. He is a weak person. Weak people are destructive if not dangerous. Me, I would drop the notion/act of trying to befriend this guy. It would be all business with minimal communication and interaction. Not provocative, just sort of curt and to the point. The stuff you mentioned when the kids go over - yeah, I’m taking notes. Get the divorce attorney back in the game and get some guidance.

[breakingtime91]

Ugggg. I get you. It might be helpful to see things from his perspective for just a second. Sounds like a loser with not much of a life. He has nothing better to do with his time than this stuff. He has little-to-nothing to lose. He either knows what he is doing and is doing it on purpose, or is such a butthole he is oblivious to how he comes off (my bet is the first thing). You, on the other hand, have quite a bit to lose. Your problem is, you end up wrestling with a pig - and we know how that goes. So, play the long game.

One of two things will happen at some point. Either he will find a new lady friend and decide he is more interested in spending time with her than harassing ya’ll; or he will get to far over his skis and give you something real to work with.

The cameras are a good move. A system that also records audio is good. I’m not sure if it is better to have them prominently displayed, or very covert. A combination of both might be good. Put a couple “in his face” to steer him to a location where he doesn’t know he is on camera. When he comments on the new system to whomever, they need to play it off. “Hey, there are a lot of nut jobs out there nowadays you know. We are just trying to be careful. But man, these cameras catch everything!” He’ll get the message, but he will have nowhere to go with that.

Final thing. In terms of direct personal interaction with him. Mossad Ayoob made a point a long time ago about trying to always be Officer Friendly when interacting with folks. He pointed out that there is a lot of communicating that can get done when the smiles and whatnot simply go away - and that really can’t be used against you. The flip of that is, if you cold shoulder him and if he thinks he is getting to you, he may be emboldened.

But yeah, document as much as you can (screenshots of text messages are gold; as are call logs) and build the record. Try not to take the bait.

I had a situation a little while ago with a pretty terrible neighbor. I got really close to letting him have it verbally a few times - but I just bit my tongue and bided my time. Then one day, he up and moved away. Me and the other neighbors literally had a party. I’m glad I didn’t burn him down. It would have felt good in the moment, but it would have made things a lot worse in the long run. Be smart and play the long game.

Exactly what I am doing. Smiles, being nice, making sure the girls and he knows I support their relationship, and only ever being firm when he insults my wife. Fuck, I am not even rude then, I just say that isn't going to fly with me and redirect. I was partly raised by my biological dad and step father, both were great and had a good relationship. I guess I naively thought if I was respectful and kind it would be reciprocated.