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Thread: Prostate cancer and divorce

  1. #31
    I googled 'New Jersey Permanent Spousal Support' and got a couple of informative articles from lawyers. Interesting.

    Understand the empty feeling you may be having. I got divorced, unwillingly in my case, after almost 20 years of marriage. I was initially devastated, but pretty quickly determined that it was the best for both of us - we really had nothing in common but our marriage. In our case we had treated each other well, and despite my worries about being taken to the cleaners, we came out on the other side still friendly.

    I'm sure your situation may be different, but I went through a depression, so expect that and take care of yourself.

    The attorney I hired was acquainted with the other attorney and he asked me if I wanted him to take the lead, as the other attorney would most likely take the easy route if offered. He was up front that his fee would be higher going this route, but the outcome would probably be what I would consider more even. This turned out to be true.

    My mom gave me perhaps the best two pieces of advice I heard during this process. The first was that God doesn't necessarily answer our prayers the way we want. The second was to quit feeling sorry for myself and to not darken her door again until I'd gotten laid. Wise woman, my mom.

    Life does go on.

    Are there different kinds of alimony?

    There are several types of alimony in New Jersey as follows:

    Limited duration alimony - consists of payments for a specified period of time and is intended to help the needier spouse recover financially from the divorce;

    Reimbursement alimony - is ordered to provide fair and just compensation in situations where one spouse provided financial support during the marriage, while the other obtained a degree in a professional program, such as law or medicine, and

    Rehabilitative alimony - financial support that enables a spouse without training or education to obtain the schooling and credentials necessary to become self-sufficient.

    This article will focus on the final kind of alimony—permanent alimony. "Permanent alimony" is theoretically a financial award that goes on indefinitely, whereas limited duration, reimbursement, and rehabilitative alimony all have definite end dates.

    How does a New Jersey judge decide whether to award permanent alimony?

    The court will set a hearing on permanent alimony, where both sides will have the opportunity to present testimony and evidence. The judge will then apply all of the following factors to the testimony and evidence to decide whether to award permanent alimony, and in what amount:

    • the actual need and ability of the parties to pay
    • the duration of the marriage or civil union (which is a legal contract, roughly equivalent to marriage, between same-sex partners in New Jersey)
    • the age, physical and emotional health of the spouses
    • the standard of living established in the marriage or civil union (this means, the way the parties actually lived), and the likelihood that each party can maintain a reasonably comparable standard of living
    • the earning capacities, educational levels, vocational skills, and employability of the parties
    • the length of absence from the job market of the party seeking alimony
    • any parental responsibilities for children of the marriage or union
    • the time and expense necessary for the spouse who's seeking alimony to obtain enough training and education to become gainfully employed and acquire assets and income independently
    • the history of the financial or non-financial contributions to the marriage or civil union by each party, including contributions to the care and education of the children and interruption of personal careers and educational opportunities
    • the equitable (fair and reasonable) distribution of property ordered in the divorce and any payouts on equitable distribution, directly or indirectly, out of current income, provided that this consideration is just
    • the income available to either party through investment of any assets
    • the tax treatment and consequences to both parties if alimony was awarded, including the designation of all or a portion of the payment as a non-taxable payment,
    • any other factors the court deems relevant.



    Whenever a spouse requests permanent alimony, the court has to make "specific findings on the evidence" on these 13 factors. This means that the judge has to issue a written order and explain how the evidence affected each factor. The court also has to address the dependent spouse's needs, the dependent spouse's ability to satisfy those needs, and the paying spouse's ability to maintain the dependent spouse at the previous standard of living.

    Who is likely to get permanent alimony?

    Permanent alimony is most commonly awarded in situations where the parties were married for a long time before the divorce. Sometimes, it's awarded in shorter-term marriages, but only if there are extenuating circumstances, like the dependent spouse becoming disabled.

    Typically, permanent alimony is awarded where one spouse was financially dependent on the other during the marriage. For example, in one common scenario, one spouse stays home to raise the children while the other spouse enters the workforce, becomes financially successful, and ultimately provides the family's sole financial support. When that happens, the spouse who stayed home for many years to raise the children and maintain the household might be awarded permanent alimony.
    Adding nothing to the conversation since 2015....

  2. #32
    Abducted by Aliens Borderland's Avatar
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    Feb 2019
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    Ronk.

    I've been divorced twice in a community property sate. The last divorce took a very large part of my retirement. All I can say is don't get too hung up on material things. So far I've purchased two houses twice. Big deal. I still have a house to live in and I'm doing fine financially.

    Regarding prostrate cancer, my BIL who is about your age has prostate cancer. He's been doing chemo for a few months and will likely recover 100% because they caught it early.

    Neither of these things are insurmountable. Your attitude is the important thing here. A positive attitude will get you through some really tuff shit. Fall back on the things that gives you pleasure and forget everything else. It's a bump in the road that many of us have dealt with.

    Today seems like a bad place. Tomorrow is what you decide it will be.
    In the P-F basket of deplorables.

  3. #33
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    Mar 2012
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    Sierra Nevada Mtns, CA
    Hold strong, take care of yourself, the wave will pass. Exercise, outdoors, and connecting with friends will help.

    That sounds rough brother, reach out if you need any thing.

  4. #34
    I don't know if it's been mentioned up thread, but: don't try to solve the whole thing right now. If you get wrapped up in how tough it will be to reach an acceptable end state, you'll be constantly overwhelmed by the difficult path ahead. Solve the problem that's right in front of you. Then solve the next one, and the next one, and the one after that. In a week or two you'll have a few small wins to look back on. In a month there will be more, and in a year there will be a whole stack. I'm not saying ignore the long term goal, but don't let it avalanche you. Eat the elephant one bite at a time.

  5. #35
    Thank you all again for your help,support and prayers.There's also some credit cards that she took out in my name without my knowledge or permission to deal with.My biopsy is Friday,I'll let you all know how it goes but won't have the results for about 10 days.

  6. #36
    If the divorce was your idea, Sounds like you got rid of the biggest tumor of all.

    Speaking from experience, divorce sucks and there is no getting around it. Whether you’re the one leaving or the one being left.

    They’re also expensive. You know why?

    Cause they’re worth it.

  7. #37
    Hi,guys.I had the biopsy on Friday and a surprise,the doctor also did a cystoscope on my bladder.The care at the surgical center was great.Mild discomfort after the procedure that was gone by the evening.I've had a little blood in my urine which seems to be gone.Now it's just the waiting for the results.The doctor said,seven business days is the earliest,today is day three.I'll let you know the results as soon as I find out.Thank you all again for your help,concerns and prayers.

  8. #38
    Hoping for the best.


    A few years ago there was a very good, and thorough, thread on divorce. My search efforts were unsuccessful. Perphaps someone remembers it and can do a better search and drop the link here?

  9. #39
    Thank you all again.BigD,thank you,I'll try to find it.I neglected to write that the doctor remarked that my prostate was really large(something that I won't be bragging about),that might account for the elevated PSA.If you haven't been screened for prostate issues and your at that age,you should,it's better know and deal with it.

  10. #40
    Divorce is not the end of the world ..I became a weekend Dad to my Son when he was 7 years old.
    I was a Wildman back than .. doing pro wrestling .. Bounty Hunter and Bouncer ..than worked Corrections for 25 years.

    But I always loved my Son and never lost touch with him.
    He is now in his 40's and making over $1000,000 a year .. he had Cancer 4 years ago and beat it .. not prostate cancer ..

    I was a fouled mouth manic but always tried to be a good farther to him.


    This worked for me "How to shrink enlarged prostate & improve frequent / incomplete urination naturally"
    Going on a year and my problems are gone .. did this for 7 weeks.

    Please Excuse my writing skills or the lack of skills.

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