Dating after a divorce

[JRB]

Thank you for all of the advice. I am finding that I have a problem standing up for myself and saying enough. The last woman I was with would walk all over me and I quickly realized it. Not sure how to change that mindset into one where I acknowledge what they bring to the table/their opinions but expect them to do the same for me.

Dude, are you me?

I fell into that same trap with two relationships. We start out trying to be kind and accommodating, and through that effort we hope to see it appreciated and returned in kind. But she doesn't - so we double down and try to be more kind and do cuter things to get her to spontaneously reciprocate at long last, but it doesn't happen.
They come to expect our kindness and accommodation at every turn, she doesn't offer it back or enough of it back to be meaningful, and we're in that mud too late to ask her to change.


I solved that with my fairer half by making that expectation clear fairly early in the relationship. It's a good conversation to have in the first through third dates; what does your ideal partner do for you in day-to-day life, and what do you do for them? Would you rather do the dishes or the laundry, how do you feel about kissing/physical contact and intimacy on the day to day, how often do you need to hear 'I love you' etc etc. Ask her how she feels about guys having 'guy' hobbies like video games, cars, guns, etc.
Stuff like this can cut through the pheromones and spare the heartache of getting involved with the wrong person. But try to mix up these discussions and questions with funny stories from the past, ask her about funny stories from her past. A date needs to be fun and if it feels like a job interview, there's probably a reason for that.

[DDTSGM]

I'm 29, father of two, and divorced from their Mom. To say that dating has been a success would be uh, a lie? I have had plenty of fun, and a few semi serious girl friends. Both semi serious have been train wrecks when it comes to communication and seeing eye to eye on feelings. Anyone else go through this?

I got divorced when I was about ten-years older than you. I hated getting divorced, wasn't my idea, and I was bummed out, I felt like a failure. As it went along I kind of sorted through how I had felt about being married, and thought about whether I wanted to do so again.

When I resumed dating I went through a younger woman kick, but that was tiresome. So what I did was kind of sit down and think about what I wanted to do and what kind of gal I wanted to do it with, and then set out to find out a gal that matched that description using my own devices. I lucked out with my second wife, going on 28 years now.

The things I found out early in my relationship with my second wife might be things you might want to look out for in your relationships.

As I mentioned I did not want to get divorced, but once it happened, I got over it. With that behind me I became kind of jaded, my mindset was 'I lived through it once, I could live through it again.' As a result, the first several years of our marriage, I pretty much did what I wanted, when I wanted. As an example, I'd tell my wife 'I'm going skiing March 5th through 9th with Greg' without even consulting her. Another mistake I made was giving her the feeling that she was secondary to my boys, who were 15 and 20 when we married. Even though I knew that I would also have to adapt, I didn't really do much adapting initially. I'm not a bright boy and the rough patches in our early marriage relationship are directly related to those things. Thankfully my wife put up with my act until I got it semi-together.

I'm not sure if these issues are common or not, just my experience.

On a related note, my youngest son is a single=parent, he has total custody of his three kids, ages 9, 11, 16, with very little support from their mother. He has pretty much decided to put any serious dating on hold until the kids are grown. He has dated a couple gals semi-seriously, but what it comes down to is, as he says, 'math, three kids, plus three kids, equals six kids, no way.'

[UNK]

My rule of thumb is to not bring up guns until after a few multiorgasmic evenings...

TMI

[Mark D]

I'm gonna agree with some of the stuff already mentioned, and then suggest some other stuff.

1. Online dating can be effective, but it can be pretty brutal. Studies indicate that a very small percentage of guys get the majority of responses on dating sites. If you're tall and good looking, you'll be in this group. If you're not, you'll be going after scraps. If you decide to find women online, do yourself a favor and actually read a book or two on online dating. Find the ones that are written by men. Learn how to write a good profile, get good photos (critical), and not waste countless hours online.

2. Don't forget meeting women in real life. It's a lost art, but I still meet women occassionally at the beach, bookstore, coffee shop, etc. I don't force it, but real life conversations can occur and can lead to something. Every time I met someone this way, they say "wow, it's nice to actually meet a guy in real life".

3. Leverage your friends and their wives/gfs. Have them introduce you to the single women they know.

4. Get yourself squared away if necessary. You may have this already dialed in, but remember to wear well-fitting clothes, be well-groomed, etc. You are working out regular, right?

5. Don't waste a ton of time or money on first dates. Don't drive long distances. Keep 'em quick and inexpensive. Dinner or even drinks can add up quick when you're going on a lot of first dates. And you'll find a ton of women who are bigger or less attractive than their photos indicate. First dates should be short and sweet, and cheap.

6. Don't settle. I have successful and decent looking buddies who have settled for lower quality women simply because my buddies got lonely and discouraged. That's weak. Personally, I've been through some lengthy dry spells, but I know from experience I'll eventually get though it and end up dating someone I am really attracted to. Don't settle.

7. Learn about the male-female dynamic. Intergender relations are vastly different than what we learned in school, and disney films, and romantic comedies. Rollo Tomassi's "The Rationale Male" is a great place to start and should be required reading for all boys in high school. And recently divorced dudes. https://www.amazon.com/Rational-Male.../dp/1492777862

Go get 'em, bro.

[Duelist]

I’ve not been divorced, but many of my friends have been. My wife and I have been together what seems a very long time - Our oldest kid is 24.

We’ve kind of grown up together in a lot of ways. One thing that has kept things going is to remember that even if we’re mad, or feelings are hurt, that’s temporary, we still like each other, love each other, and to remember to be there for each other and to take care of each other.

Dating a variety of women was fun for about a month when I was in my early twenties. Then I wanted to just be with someone, and I was blessed to find someone compatible enough to work things out with. And I get it. You are used to being married, and part of you wants to go back to the familiar.

Friends who’ve been divorced who marry soon after usually don’t stay married to the rebound partner. Those who wait, and recover from the divorce, take the time to think and grieve and process, those folks usually are able to find a mental and emotional place where they’re ready to be with someone again.

I’d say that you’re best bet is to relax, take care of your kids and yourself and your personal and professional development and goals. In a year or two or five, someone amazing will come along, and you’ll be ready for them.

[okie john]

1. Online dating can be effective, but it can be pretty brutal. Studies indicate that a very small percentage of guys get the majority of responses on dating sites. If you're tall and good looking, you'll be in this group. If you're not, you'll be going after scraps.

I beg to differ.

Yes, online dating is brutal. But a guy with a good profile who can carry a conversation on text/email will run tall, good-looking guys into the ground all day long.

PM me if you have questions.


Okie John

[HeavyDuty]

I'm gonna agree with some of the stuff already mentioned, and then suggest some other stuff.

1. Online dating can be effective, but it can be pretty brutal. Studies indicate that a very small percentage of guys get the majority of responses on dating sites. If you're tall and good looking, you'll be in this group. If you're not, you'll be going after scraps. If you decide to find women online, do yourself a favor and actually read a book or two on online dating. Find the ones that are written by men. Learn how to write a good profile, get good photos (critical), and not waste countless hours online.

2. Don't forget meeting women in real life. It's a lost art, but I still meet women occassionally at the beach, bookstore, coffee shop, etc. I don't force it, but real life conversations can occur and can lead to something. Every time I met someone this way, they say "wow, it's nice to actually meet a guy in real life".

3. Leverage your friends and their wives/gfs. Have them introduce you to the single women they know.

4. Get yourself squared away if necessary. You may have this already dialed in, but remember to wear well-fitting clothes, be well-groomed, etc. You are working out regular, right?

5. Don't waste a ton of time or money on first dates. Don't drive long distances. Keep 'em quick and inexpensive. Dinner or even drinks can add up quick when you're going on a lot of first dates. And you'll find a ton of women who are bigger or less attractive than their photos indicate. First dates should be short and sweet, and cheap.

6. Don't settle. I have successful and decent looking buddies who have settled for lower quality women simply because my buddies got lonely and discouraged. That's weak. Personally, I've been through some lengthy dry spells, but I know from experience I'll eventually get though it and end up dating someone I am really attracted to. Don't settle.

7. Learn about the male-female dynamic. Intergender relations are vastly different than what we learned in school, and disney films, and romantic comedies. Rollo Tomassi's "The Rationale Male" is a great place to start and should be required reading for all boys in high school. And recently divorced dudes. https://www.amazon.com/Rational-Male.../dp/1492777862

Go get 'em, bro.

I agree with most of this, but 1) isn’t always the case and 7) is fine if you buy into the whole “red pill” philosophy, which I don’t.

[RJ]

I’ve not been divorced, but many of my friends have been. My wife and I have been together what seems a very long time - Our oldest kid is 24.

We’ve kind of grown up together in a lot of ways. One thing that has kept things going is to remember that even if we’re mad, or feelings are hurt, that’s temporary, we still like each other, love each other, and to remember to be there for each other and to take care of each other.

Dating a variety of women was fun for about a month when I was in my early twenties. Then I wanted to just be with someone, and I was blessed to find someone compatible enough to work things out with. And I get it. You are used to being married, and part of you wants to go back to the familiar.

Friends who’ve been divorced who marry soon after usually don’t stay married to the rebound partner. Those who wait, and recover from the divorce, take the time to think and grieve and process, those folks usually are able to find a mental and emotional place where they’re ready to be with someone again.

I’d say that you’re best bet is to relax, take care of your kids and yourself and your personal and professional development and goals. In a year or two or five, someone amazing will come along, and you’ll be ready for them.

Great post.

[breakingtime91]

Thank you a lot for the feedback. I have been trying to force something that just wasn't right for too long. I knew it but my focus was entirely on the wrong thing. I need to focus on myself, in a lot of ways I have lost myself to worrying so much about being the perfect partner for someone that I never took any steps to be better for myself and my children.