Dating after a divorce

[BN]

I got divorced from my first wife when I was about 40. That was 1985. Let me tell you, a lot had changed since I last dated.

I soon discovered that women's brains did not develop until they were 30 years old. After a couple of years I met my current wife. She had just turned 31 and we have been happy together since.

[breakingtime91]

I've been there. I don't have kids, but on all the rest of it... boy howdy have I been there.

Start by building yourself up emotionally by doing what you enjoy and doing all you can to enrich your life and enjoy your life as a single Dad for the time being. Hobbies are good, exercise is good, setting goals and meeting them, starting projects and finishing them, etc all good too. This doesn't just help you but it helps you build a happy life with and without your kids that the future mrs breakingtime would want to be a part of.

With 'plenty of fun' out of the way, as the others have said it's time to be exactly honest about what you want. Don't hold yourself to some societal standard arbitrarily, if you don't want to get married again that's perfectly OK. If you want to focus more on yourself and your kids that's also perfectly OK. But don't let that social 'keeping up with the Jones's' mental game take root - be honest about what *YOU* want in your life and your future.

I personally found a lot of solace and clarity in avoiding things like calling your divorce or previous relationships as 'failed' - it was much healthier and honest for me to say those relationships ended, or didn't pan out, or that we grew apart and it was time to go our separate ways.
That let me take pride in the effort I'd put into those relationships, and let me be 'OK' with the lessons learned both good and bad, and especially the lessons learned about myself.
Once that settled in, it felt like I got rid of a really negative emotional anchor and that helped me be 'open' in all the right ways emotionally and socially without bringing awkward baggage into it.

Having seen a lot of failed relationships with young kids in your age group (it is the Army) a few other thoughts:

-Never speak poorly of their mother to your kids or in front of your kids. I've watched divorced parents talk insane amounts of crap about the other parent to their kids and it does very real and very lasting damage to how kids view dating/courting/dealing with breakups/etc once they get older. Speaking ill of the other parent is to speak ill of half of the kid, and kids absolutely take it that way whether they pretend to understand or not.
So when they're young, back up their mother as best you can abide, and put the effort into co-parenting as friends even if her decisions aggravate the hell out of you sometimes. So long as the kids are taken care of and safe, suck it up until those kids are old enough to think about dating, then have those hard conversations with your kids.

-Dating from this moment forward includes your kids. The last thing you want is to get serious with a woman that has little or no interest in being an effective stepparent. This is why some of the better options dating-wise will be with single Moms, as they will be already engaged in parenting. On the off chance you meet a woman that can't have kids but deeply wants them - be sure that you build a real relationship between the two of you, too.

-Dating sites; if it takes you less than an hour to properly set up a profile (like Match.com for example) then don't bother looking for wife/LTR material there. Tinder is a dumpster fire, "Plenty Of Fish" may as well be "Plenty of STD's", you get the idea.
Trying to force serendipity's hand is wasted effort - if you're destined to bump into 'the one' randomly, it'll happen randomly.

Last but not least:
-Don't continue a dating relationship that you're kinda 'meh' about just because it's working OK at a 'meh' level. There's always going to be small or big stuff to fix. But if those big things to fix are a tapdance around landmines trying to avoid them or pretend those problems don't exist, instead of conversations and working through it, that's a big fat red flag. Fix those things and make it work early in the relationship before the kids are deeply involved too. If it's not getting fixed and stuff she does is still problematic, listen to your gut. When your gut has been consistently telling you for a few weeks that it's not working and it's time to break it off, *listen* to that.


Apologies if this is kind of erratic to read, I had to come back and forth to this all morning.

Thank you for all of the advice. I am finding that I have a problem standing up for myself and saying enough. The last woman I was with would walk all over me and I quickly realized it. Not sure how to change that mindset into one where I acknowledge what they bring to the table/their opinions but expect them to do the same for me.

[UNK]

Make sure she likes shooting. Not just tolerates it in the dating stage. Political alignment and values should be in sync.
I think it someone here who said I like my rifles like my women. Short light and quiet. Maybe he was onto something.

[SecondsCount]

This might help




My advice is to be respectful and have fun. Enjoy the companionship and if you find out that you can't be without them, then tie the knot. Make sure you spend at least two years getting to know her before doing anything serious.

[vcdgrips]

Executive summary: I did not date a bunch when the twins were young. I was never particularly serious. I was very transparent with the following in short order:

I put bad guys in jail for a living and will do so for the foreseeable future

I carry a gun everyday and enjoy shooting/training immensely such that it will NEVER change

I co-parent my ethnic children well and use extraordinary efforts to get along with their mother for the primary benefit of the children.


ANY problems on ANY of those vectors was UNSAT and a bye bye.


Pro tip#1- Go to the store or order up from the store (instacart etc.) on the days when they come over. That way they have complete buy in on the groceries, they eat what they want (within reason) and you reduce/eliminate a bone of contention.

Pro tip #2- presuming they are sharing a room, their bed linens and styles do not have to match.

Pro tip #3- They need dedicated places to study that is theirs. That can be desks in the room, the dining room table etc. This may mean that you have to go to your room to watch TV, surf the web etc.

Pro tip #4- They get a computer/chromebook etc that you never use, ever, period. It is in a place that you can observe its use. If they are issued such from school, so much the better. If you buy it, they should SHARE it. This becomes a good life lesson.

Pro tip#5- Never speak poorly of their mother, ever. When they get older, they will figure it out themselves, if applicable.

Bottom Line-You have time, talent and treasure to expend on your children. Read to them. Have them read to you. Do flash cards with them for math facts etc. Go to their games/activities. You will NEVER regret these expenditures.

While I am now firmly in the buy quality, cry once camp, when my kids were school aged, I was all about the intersection of quality and value. The "excess" was spent on them. If my kids were playing both indoor and outdoor soccer, they got two sets of shoes. If my son pivoted to baseball, he got baseball specific cleats even if the soccer ones would have been fine relative to the game level/skill set. My daughter was playing volleyball and basketball, same deal re the shoes thought I suspect the either could have pulled double duty thru middle school. I rarely sought reimbursement from their mother though it was within my legal rights to do so.

Blessings to you and yours in this time.

[O4L]

Executive summary: I did not date a bunch when the twins were young. I was never particularly serious. I was very transparent with the following in short order:

I put bad guys in jail for a living and will do so for the foreseeable future

I carry a gun everyday and enjoy shooting/training immensely such that it will NEVER change

I co-parent my ethnic children well and use extraordinary efforts to get along with their mother for the primary benefit of the children.


ANY problems on ANY of those vectors was UNSAT and a bye bye.


Pro tip#1- Go to the store or order up from the store (instacart etc.) on the days when they come over. That way they have complete buy in on the groceries, they eat what they want (within reason) and you reduce/eliminate a bone of contention.

Pro tip #2- presuming they are sharing a room, their bed linens and styles do not have to match.

Pro tip #3- They need dedicated places to study that is theirs. That can be desks in the room, the dining room table etc. This may mean that you have to go to your room to watch TV, surf the web etc.

Pro tip #4- They get a computer/chromebook etc that you never use, ever, period. It is in a place that you can observe its use. If they are issued such from school, so much the better. If you buy it, they should SHARE it. This becomes a good life lesson.

Pro tip#5- Never speak poorly of their mother, ever. When they get older, they will figure it out themselves, if applicable.

Bottom Line-You have time, talent and treasure to expend on your children. Read to them. Have them read to you. Do flash cards with them for math facts etc. Go to their games/activities. You will NEVER regret these expenditures.

While I am now firmly in the buy quality, cry once camp, when my kids were school aged, I was all about the intersection of quality and value. The "excess" was spent on them. If my kids were playing both indoor and outdoor soccer, they got two sets of shoes. If my son pivoted to baseball, he got baseball specific cleats even if the soccer ones would have been fine relative to the game level/skill set. My daughter was playing volleyball and basketball, same deal re the shoes thought I suspect the either could have pulled double duty thru middle school. I rarely sought reimbursement from their mother though it was within my legal rights to do so.

Blessings to you and yours in this time.

Oh okay... For a minute there I though the pro tips were for your date.

I was thinking WTF kinda dates does this guy have!

[secondstoryguy]

Dating after divorce is complicated, especially if you are doing the single parent thing. One factor that seems to be a common problem in my dating age range (I'm over 40 so I typically date women in their 30s) is "baby-rabies". Women in this age bracket that haven't had children are often shopping hungry for fertile males to give them the family they always wanted. I'm already a father and my kid is getting to the age where he will soon leave the house and I really don't wanna reset that clock so that is often a huge no-go for many of these gals. Its further complicated by women often thinking that your not serious about the "I don't wanna have kids" statement is negotiable as the relationship gets more serious.

To be honest I'm quite content with being alone and not being responsible for someone else. One of my good friends and teammates said it best, "...you have to find someone who doesn't depend entirely on you for their happiness". And this segways into the second major issue I have with current dating and modern women. Many women these days seem to not have any real diversions or hobbies outside of their social circle which includes the men that they are dating. To each his own but for me I will never again date someone who doesn't have the capability to be alone or entertain themselves.

I see so many unhappy relationships I approach any with a high degree of caution. Overall I am happy and content with being single until I find someone that will enhance my current situation. MGTOW (men going their own way-Google it and check Reddit) is something else that I've been following for a few years and while I don't buy in to all their ideas it has influenced my thoughts on the matter to some extent.

[Poconnor]

All I have to say is to be picky and patient. Good luck

[Arbninftry]

It took me about six years to figure it out. I just had fun and tried to be happy by myself. I did buy a lot of toys, even went to Vegas a couple times. Just go do what you think you need to do.

[HeavyDuty]

Make sure she likes shooting. Not just tolerates it in the dating stage. Political alignment and values should be in sync.
I think it someone here who said I like my rifles like my women. Short light and quiet. Maybe he was onto something.

My rule of thumb is to not bring up guns until after a few multiorgasmic evenings...