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Thread: Favorite Colloquialisms

  1. #1
    Meta-Hipster RevolverRob's Avatar
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    Favorite Colloquialisms

    @Joe in PNG’s quote describing a generally crazy person as “having more issues than National Geographic” - prompted me to think about some of my favorite colloquialisms and variations thereof.

    “It was like watching a monkey trying to fuck a football.” - This one never fails to make my wife snort in laughter.

    “They are a few neurons short of a full set.”

    “I gotta race like a piss horse!” (One stolen from my dad)

    “I don’t have a horse in this fight.” (Stops people cold)



    What are some of your favorites?
    "P-f: I lurked for wonderful combat pistolcraft advice, but I ponied up cash for my daily dose of Dada." - Baldanders

  2. #2
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    My Polish friends are fond of “not my monkeys, not my circus”.

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    Describing something/someone unattractive as looking like "a bag of smashed assholes".

  4. #4
    Give me liberty or... 0ddl0t's Avatar
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    sweatin' like a whore in church
    slicker than snot on a doorknob

  5. #5
    Site Supporter LOKNLOD's Avatar
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    I use the circus/monkeys one at work quite often. I like to pepper as many quirky phrases into my work discussion because if we're going to have this damn many meetings and calls, I'm going to make somebody chuckle. Probably not my best career move.

    "...riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels..."
    "...get your fecal matter coagulated..."
    "beat with an ugly stick" plus more extreme variant, "...fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down..."
    "wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which fills up faster"
    "shit or get off the pot"
    "like shoving a wet noodle up a wildcat's ass"
    "like trying to push a wet rope up a sandpaper ramp"
    "about as focused as a picture of bigfoot"
    colder than... "a witch's tit in a brass bra" or "a welldiggers ass in january"
    hotter than..."the devil's jockstrap"
    eta: subsequent posts triggered these to come to mind:
    dumber than..."a sack of wet hammers"
    "wouldn't piss down his throat if his guts were on fire"
    "if bus hit him tomorrow, I'd send the driver flowers"
    Last edited by LOKNLOD; 02-07-2020 at 11:50 PM.
    --Josh
    When I draw, I don't deactivate the safety; I activate the danger.

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    From Honduras: Hijo de la verga! / son of a dick!


    Colder than the tits on a Siberian bitch-wolf in January.

  7. #7
    Irony Connoisseur Sidheshooter's Avatar
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    Of the obvious:
    "sticks out like a boner in a tulip patch"

    Of the weather:
    "Raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock"

    Of people:
    "Dumb as an acre of mud/box of rocks"

    "waste of carbon/waste of evolution"

    "As sharp as a blue marble"

    "Brains that run on sailboat fuel"

    "An ambulatory cloud shaped like a fucking moron"

    On ideas/situations/events/products:

    "not my cup of tea, mostly because I don’t like pieces of shit in my tea"
    "Sometimes there is fuckery afoot."
    -Chuck Haggard

  8. #8
    Site Supporter misanthropist's Avatar
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    My grandmother, who was a nun until she met my quite amazing grandfather, used to describe people who were overdressed as "all gussied up like a pimp at a garden party."

    This is a bit of a sidebar but she was nearly blind yet read voraciously with a huge magnifying glass, smoked 20 colts a day and lived to be 90 and was an unusually kind person, as well as unusually smart, and the combination made her both wise and funny.

    She once cracked to my sister that if she married a man who wasn't especially bright, and wasn't especially nice, that she'd have to be satisfied with his other talents. But, she said, lighting another colt, "they seem to get worse at all three as they age."

    Another one of her offhand cracks that stuck with me was her sole exception to her usual policy on drinking. She never drank alcohol, except when she had to move, which she hated. "There's only one way to do it," she said. "Get half drunk, throw your things in a box, and let a couple of strong men carry everything for you." She really was very funny. My grandfather adored her.



    My dad would describe a small room as "not enough space to swing a dead cat in." I remember the first time I heard him say it - he rarely spoke at all, so his occasional comments were often pretty memorable. We were looking at a house that my parents were thinking about buying and he walked into a room as said it so matter-of-factly that it sounded as though that was the whole reason he'd checked the room in the first place. I was about ten and couldn't imagine why he'd be concerned about that but he was fairly strange so I just accepted that that had been his plan. He did kill the neighbour's cat when I was about seven or eight and so I thought it must be some kind of gutting-cleaning step I didn't understand. It was years before I heard the expression again and when I head someone say it I did a full spit-take with a beer.


    I had a friend in the executive protection game who ran across a client he very briefly handled - I mentioned this in another thread recently but he took a common expression to the extreme by saying "if he was on fire, I wouldn't feed the marshmallows I toasted to a dog that bit my kid."


    And somewhere I have a recording of an extremely famous firearms instructor deadpanning the line (I think in regards to a very gamer-focused 1911) "that's as wrong as two boys fucking."

    Same guy, also on tape, to a vegan: "you are a god damn predator. The grass eaters have eyes on the sides of their head."

    I mention the above with no ill will at all, I think the world of the guy and those aren't meant to show that he's mean or old-fashioned. He's got a dry sense of humour. Still, I won't mention his name just on the off chance somebody gets bent out of shape about it.



    I'm out for the moment but now that I'm thinking of the things I've heard from famous firearms instructors I love, I'm sure I could fill a post just with stuff Craig has said. All his expressions are foreign to me at least, him being from the south, of course.
    Last edited by misanthropist; 02-08-2020 at 12:14 AM.

  9. #9
    Site Supporter misanthropist's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sidheshooter View Post
    Of people:
    "Dumb as an acre of mud/box of rocks"
    This is a terrible, though funny, revelation for me. Many years ago, I had a longstanding disagreement with someone and, coincidentally, was working the door at a pretty sketchy bar. The guy who was supposed to be on with me one busy summer Saturday hadn't shown up and I was out there by myself when the guy I had never really gotten on with walked up and, without a word, swung an Estwing framing hammer at me. I ducked and he caught just the slightest glancing blow on my head but it wasn't fun and it took a chip out of my skull and I can still feel the missing little bit.

    Anyway, I always thought out of guilt, the guy who was supposed to be out there with me spent ages afterwards talking me up, and he said I was "tough as a box of rocks" so many times that people at that bar began to call me "Box of Rocks" and later just "Box".

    I did not realize until this exact moment that they were making fun of me. But presumably they knew the expression as "dumb as a box of rocks" and thought it was hilarious that I responded so genially to it.

  10. #10
    Irony Connoisseur Sidheshooter's Avatar
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    Uhhh... did anyone ever refer to you as "tough as a bag of dicks," perchance? Just asking...

    "Sometimes there is fuckery afoot."
    -Chuck Haggard

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