Passive aggressive personalities at work...

[Nephrology]

So, I am in the final leg of the PhD portion of my MD-PhD training. this means that aside from my required ~12 clinical duty hours/month, 90% of my time is spent doing research in a basic science laboratory. Our team is a little larger than average for a lab, but still only amounts to ~10 people in total. Of these, ~6-7 of us are regularly in the laboratory workspace on a daily basis.

Writing because approximately 9 months ago we had a new PhD (only) student join our lab. Initially, no problems. However, to make a long story short, I failed to appreciate that he is someone with a fairly fragile ego. Early on when we joined, I corrected him (politely, professionally, and in a contextually appropriate way) on a couple statements he made. Suffice to say, he did not exactly appreciate this.

He fairly quickly developed an extremely passive aggressive disposition towards me - grumbling his "good mornings" to me, aggressively seeking out opportunities to correct me (sometimes, in conversations in which he was not involved, and more than once his 'corrections' were embarrassingly wrong), and so forth. It's also clear he talks shit about me behind my back, as a 2nd individual in our lab with whom I have a slightly more functional relationship also turned up her passive aggressive behavior towards me. they are both part of a small 'knitting circle' at work who spend a lot of their time talking and getting coffee while I am working hard to get in and out of the lab as quickly and efficiently as I can every day.

While frustrating and discouraging, I believe the strategy I have adopted is probably the best approach available to me. I don't acknowledge any of the hostility and instead am externally cheerful, engaged, and task-oriented. the only time I ever directly acknowledge his attitude is when we have to work together (fortunately extremely rare). In this context, when he becomes clearly frustrated and uncooperative, I say something to the effect of : "Hey my man, you seem upset. Is there something wrong?" Of course because his problem is with me and nothing concrete, he demurs and grumbles a non answer, to which I say "Oh, OK." and I drop it. In doing so, I try to send the message that if you won't engage with me directly, then you don't engage with me at all.

that said, this is somewhat challenging to me, as my communication style is.... extremely direct. However, I know confronting him on his behavior will almost certainly be unproductive, as fundamentally we have no concrete issues - just a clash of personalities. I also know that reacting to him with anger is 1. unprofessional and 2. counterproductive, as it only reaffirms his vision of me as a villain - the foil to his martyr-like 'nice guy' self-image. I also know that fundamentally his issue is that I am a very confident person and he finds my external signs of success (especially my status as MD-PhD student) a threat to his very low self-esteem, and there is no conversation we could possibly have that will change this.

Anyway, curious to hear the collective experience with passive aggressive personalities in the workplace: what works, what doesn't, etc. I am pretty satisfied with my external response to this situation, but I will admit that internally I struggle with the negative emotions this dynamic produces. Any thoughts there would likewise be appreciated.

[Duelist]

Sounds like he needs counseling.

You? Just keep being professional. If you are confident your every interaction has been polite and professional, then you don’t need to do anything differently. If there is a mentor or supervisor, you might have a private conversation with that person so they are apprised of what has been going on, but other than that, to quote my least favorite Disney Princess: “let it go.”

[SAWBONES]

I run into this from time to time too.

The problem belongs to the passive-aggressive person.
It obviously helps if you're in a position of authority or seniority over such a person.

Unless forced into a position of having to work closely with such a person (forced collaboration on a project, for instance), I just stay concentrated on my own work and responsibilities, of which I have plenty.

Remaining cheerful and polite as you describe never hurts, either.

[LittleLebowski]

Never get into a passive aggressive war of emails, always go speak to people in person if you are having a conflict.

[okie john]

High road = high ground.

You're ahead of this guy's OODA loop in that you've identified the problem and its source. These people are their own worst enemies and frequently the source of their own undoing. The folks running the show probably see what's going on and may have made decisions based on that. That said, tell the people you trust that there's a problem so you're covered if the knitting circle decides to come after you.


Okie John

[Duces Tecum]

The problem is that without appropriate counter-messaging, one's coworkers might start thinking, "Geesh, the new guy could be right." There's no cure for the passive-aggressive, and nothing I've found works as well as one might hope, but what has come closest to working (for me) is maintaining a coldly formal relationship with the opponent. The goal here is not to change him, but to shape the developing views of the observers: "You know, that guy has been trash talking Ol' Neph. I'd sure like to hear his side of things, but he's too gentlemanly to discuss whatever it was. I've never seen Ol' Neph so stand-offish before."

No guarantees.

[Clusterfrack]

This is a fairly common problem. It's likely that your explanation is correct--this guy is insecure and is responding by trying to sabotage high performers because they make him look and feel inadequate. People with fixed mindsets can be toxic, and inhibit excellence. I have a number of tenure line colleagues who still behave this way. When I saw it happen in my lab, I came down on them like a load of bricks. I've kicked students out of the lab for this type of behavior.

Unfortunately, you do not have the power to get rid of this person. So, you need to assume the worst. How will you defend yourself and your career against the rumors and falsehoods this guy could be spreading? If you have a good relationship with your advisor, I recommend a candid conversation expressing your concerns. But be careful. You don't want to come across as an evil person who wants to hurt someone else's career. Stick with what you told us in your post.

Good luck!

[Zincwarrior]

Question, do you have access to a working pig farm, and a van?

[Nephrology]

to quote my least favorite Disney Princess: “let it go.”

this is a skillset of mine that I know needs improvement - trying to work on that as best I can.

Re: supervisor, the guy in charge of our lab (who is my thesis adviser) is a great manager, and I have on a couple occasions talked to him about this when he was directly involved, but otherwise I try not to make him feel like he has an obligation to solve these kinds of problems for me. I don't want him to feel as if he has to take on the role of kintergarden teacher.

Never get into a passive aggressive war of emails, always go speak to people in person if you are having a conflict.

Absolutely. I only use work email to convey succinct, uncomplicated, factual messages. Anything else is an in person conversation.

[Cookie Monster]

If the person who runs the lab/your supervisor is cool then I would talk with them, "Hey, I not the best communicator and unsure exactly why this person and I don't quite mesh but wondering if you have any ways to help me better the relationship or understand the situation."

If the person who runs the lab/your supervisor is a douchbag, work hard and do outstanding work, head down, finish up, and get the fuck out.