Passive aggressive personalities at work...

[XXXsilverXXX]

Unfortunately, whoever goes to HR first has the high ground in todays business-professional world. I would document this issue with your supervisor and get your side on the record. I am saying that as someone with 30+ years in large organizations and who has been a supervisor for most of those years. Frankly, these issues get out of control fast in today's hyper-sensitive environment.

This 10000%. Have had this problem when I was going through some serious medical problems and my supervisor had a major problem with me what it was i do not know. I just ignored it and one day had a meeting with HR and Her boss. Nip that shit in the butt now before it spirals out of control.

[Nephrology]

Unfortunately, whoever goes to HR first has the high ground in todays business-professional world. I would document this issue with your supervisor and get your side on the record. I am saying that as someone with 30+ years in large organizations and who has been a supervisor for most of those years. Frankly, these issues get out of control fast in today's hyper-sensitive environment.

Fortunately in an academic setting it takes pretty egregious behavior to be escalated to HR.

[Trooper224]

to clarify, by direct, I mean direct. Not confrontational (above post excepted). I say what I mean without embellishment and will admit if I am wrong or need help. I respond well to direct feedback and appreciate knowing when I have made a mistake or offense. this is a communication style I learned to embrace in medical school as it has helped me be successful in that environment.

Believe me, I get it. I use the same approach. Unfortunately, modern workplaces seem to be all about the feels. Direct is often interpreted as confrontational by the fragile snowflakes.

[Nephrology]

Believe me, I get it. I use the same approach. Unfortunately, modern workplaces seem to be all about the feels. Direct is often interpreted as confrontational by the fragile snowflakes.

You are right. I've tried to be careful to not give offense or worsen things - I suppose where I am struggling is how to find ways to improve things, if this is possible

I'll also confess that while I am good at direct communication, I am frankly not very good at conflict - particularly when it comes down to a clash of personalities rather than a concrete dispute. I think where I have been failing in this dynamic is finding reasons to avoid or work around the issue rather than finding an appropriate way to resolve it directly. Perceived disrespect is an emotional Achilles' heel of mine. It makes me irrationally upset, which I struggle to channel into positive and productive solutions, and so I elect to bury that emotion to keep it from making me behave in regrettable and unprofessional ways.

So, while I am happy that I have not allowed myself to engage in hostilities (direct or otherwise), the emotions are still there and have a corrosive influence on my happiness. I feel like the real dilemma here is how to best resolve these emotions: either by learning to let them go, or learning to channel them into productive conflict resolution strategies. I think I would be OK with either, but it seems that the latter may be more important for my growth in the long run.

[Hambo]

It never ceases to amaze me how many normal-seeming people are actually Call-of-Cthulhu crazy evil fuckers. You can go for years before a tentacle pokes out of their ear and you figure out they have been spreading evil in your workplace from day one.

Quite true.

[Welder]

..... Unfortunately, my experience has led me to the conclusion that this often doesn't end well, especially with the covertly evil coworker. These people will smile and tell you everything's ok but then redouble their efforts to turn everyone against you and kill your career.....

Yeah, some of y'all have REALLY different types of careers; I don't think I'd do too well in such a Byzantine system. In my world, deals are still sealed with handshakes, "covertly evil" coworkers are quickly found out and kicked right out onto the street, and we protect each other. Bickering happens, of course, but not on the level y'all are talking about. Nobody has a 'right' to be on a job if we don't want them there; we literally place our lives in the hands of other contractors on the job with regularity. And pretty much tell them so. "If you want to off me, just pull this lever while I'm down there." "If you want to off me, just let go of my harness right now." I guess that level of trust and responsibility for each other probably isn't so common across corporate America....shame.

[Nephrology]

Yeah, some of y'all have REALLY different types of careers; I don't think I'd do too well in such a Byzantine system. In my world, deals are still sealed with handshakes, "covertly evil" coworkers are quickly found out and kicked right out onto the street, and we protect each other. Bickering happens, of course, but not on the level y'all are talking about. Nobody has a 'right' to be on a job if we don't want them there; we literally place our lives in the hands of other contractors on the job with regularity. And pretty much tell them so. "If you want to off me, just pull this lever while I'm down there." "If you want to off me, just let go of my harness right now." I guess that level of trust and responsibility for each other probably isn't so common across corporate America....shame.

In academic research labs, job security is basically bulletproof.

I once rotated through a lab and had a research tech - who literally NEVER did ANY work in my entire 10 weeks there - throw a book at me because he had just gotten dumped by his stripper girlfriend and was mad that I asked him to do his job. He also frequently bullied the largely female personnel in the lab (throwing their shit on the floor because it was on “his bench”). It was the closest I’ve ever come to punching someone at work. My fists still ball reflexively whenever I think about it.

Brought this up with the PI (lab boss) and he was like oh well ehh you know he’s a nice guy. I did not join that lab.

[45dotACP]

I usually just play dumb with passive aggressive idiots. Pretend the drama goes over your head and eventually it really will just roll right off you like you're made of Teflon.

Perhaps the hardest thing I've had to learn about working in the hospital is that not everyone will like me. Some will downright hate me.

This sucks. Because I like being liked.

I just kill them with kindness while taking no shit. It sounds like you're doing a good job of that so it really sounds to me like the hard part of this endeavor is dealing with having a "hater" as the kids might say.

But here's the thing...This dude's behavior is probably already known or will become apparent to the people that matter in short order. This works to your favor.

Any man may be judged by the company he keeps, but a man's true character is known by the enemies he has made. I'd never trust a man with no enemies Nephrology, so if your enemy is the person in the lab with a reputation for being a passive aggressive dickhole, this will work to your advantage.

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[Gearqueer]

Neph,

It’s healthy that you care what other people think of you. I’ve been guilty of butting heads professionally with a peer. It happened to begin when I received a detective position that he wanted. History shows that my guy had issues with competitors and nothing I could have done would have probably mattered. I still lost a lot of sleep over it.

This guy will likely be trying to undermine everything you do. It doesn’t sound like there’s an upside to this. You won’t likely be friends at any point; he’s probably irreversibly committed to trashing you or he will lose face. Hope that his propaganda doesn’t reach your future employer. Be positive to your group and don’t try too hard to make allies against him. I’ve learned not to escalate the drama by trying to fix the relationship or go to a higher-up about drama. Avoid correcting him if you don’t have to.

The fact that you care enough to share this story and ask for advice let’s me know you’re not as much of an a-hole as some may think. Have a Merry Christmas everybody!


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[Sensei]

About 20 years ago I approached work like Neph. Now, I only correct people when it’s my job to do so - meaning I don’t correct my peers even when there is a perceived seniority. I also don’t answer questions posed to crowds unless specifically called on for my opinion. 45 years on this planet has taught me that very few people give a shit what I think.

As for the current predicament, there are 2 options. Door number 1 - ignore the person, get your work done, and peace out. Door number 2 - commit to rehabilitating the relationship by including the person as a collaborator (i.e. ask them to help with a project, put them on an abstract or paper, and otherwise make them feel like you genuinely care about THEIR career advancement). There is no door number 3 and trying to split the difference between 1 and 2 will only make things worse.

Oh, and one last point. Medicine is a very, very small world. Be careful if you are accruing enemies while in training. You will almost always see them again...