Nephew with no aspirations...

[TGS]

So, I have three nephews.

The first is a 14 year old boy genius that is two years ahead in both academics and sports, and literally masters anything he does. The second is a college kid that is full of life, love, laughter and motivation to pursue a job in music education.

The third, the oldest, dropped out of his first semester of community college, as well as dropping out of the football team in high school. He weighs about 300lbs (not muscle), is slovenly, isn't very bright, and complains about getting up for work at 9am as if it's early. He was let go from one job as a table busser because he's a bull in a china shop. He goes from one dream to another......first was to be a chef, the next to be drone pilot, but never really pursues anything with vigor. He's held down work at a grocery store where he has a good reputation among the coworkers, but he obviously needs to do more (and can).

I've honestly never had a person close to me in life like this. How do you motivate them to find something to be happy with and become productive?

He's in a very liberal family that disapproves of his interest in guns. Thusly, he sort of looks up to me and wants to come visit my wife and I for a week. I'm thinking that I need to take this time to try and reach out to him in some way, because he's asking for help in the broad sense.

One of the things his family keeps pushing him on is to go to college. He is exactly the sort of person that shouldn't go to college. Accumulating massive, crippling debt with no actual aspirations and simply as a way to "find yourself" is a horrible fucking idea, but these people have some fantasy that everyone needs to go to college. I think that's fucking retarded...he's obviously not the next Gordon Ramsey or Neil Armstrong. I think he knows this, but can't admit that to his folks and pursue something realistic because of their outlook on life with everyone being a winner and looking down on skilled labor/tradesmen. I think this drives his lack of motivation. In my opinion, he needs some nominal technical skill that can get him a reasonable salary to live on. Maybe in the future he might pursue some journeyman path and a really good salary, but right now he just needs enough to get out of a rut and become more productive. I feel like once his salary improves beyond $10/hour and he takes pride in having some sort of skill that it might be the jumpstart he needs.

How have you guys dealt with people like this? How have you approached them and talked about pursuing realistic goals, and coached them to talk to their family and gain support to pursue a technical trade/skill instead of college?

[Cypher]

One of the hardest lessons I've ever learned is that I can't live another person's life for them. Unless they decide to change or they're acted upon by an outside force (in my case the Army) they simply will not change. It's similar to what Alanon teaches, you can't stop the alcoholic from drinking all you can do is make sure he doesn't drag you down with him.

[Jay Cunningham]

Where is his father?

[TGS]

Where is his father?

Pretty much what you're likely imagining; his real father is present in his life, but not a good influence. Deadbeat sort of dude that isn't working, who is also a manipulative prick. He pretty much hates his biological dad.

He currently lives with his biological mom and the father of nephew #2.

ETA: Suffice to say, he's never had a strong father figure in his life. In my adult years after the passing of my grandfather, I've come to appreciate him/his influence on me so much more than I could've imagined as a kid.

[Darth_Uno]

You want to help. You really do, I get it.

But you can't. I've hired and fired and sadly become the villain to friends and family. I've reached the point where I won't hire family or church members. I thought I could show them that hey, if you show up and work hard you can make something of yourself. And on some level everybody knows that. But if they wanted it bad enough, they'd do it...and you can't make them want it.

[FNFAN]

I wonder about the 'isn't very bright' part, with him among some standout siblings. Is there anything that really lights his rockets, so to speak? Maybe he's just not been exposed to that one thing that gets his creativeness flowing. It's a tough nut to crack. He obviously looks up to you. Probably the only real suggestion I can offer is -be patient.

[Totem Polar]

The third, the oldest...

Dude, we don’t really know each other, but I’m going to speak from the heart and tell you that it sounds to me like you have a good handle on it. This kid needs college like you and I need herpes. He intuitively looks up to you because he knows you have your career squared away, and it’s not composed of unicorn farts and theoretical conjecture. He knows internally that college isn’t his particular golden road (unlike the whiz kids in the fam unit), and I strongly suspect that his desire to spend time in your household represents the above, plus his desire to just do better. In all probability, he *is* asking for help by his action, and all you have to do to "help" him is just be cool, and show that you get it. IME, kids like that are just waiting for someone to come along and give them permission to skip society’s addiction to higher ed, and go to the dakotas to make 100k doing a honest day’s work in the oil fields or similar. Working for a guy like @JodyH is just objectively better for a person like him, just as getting a post doc in some sort of @RevolverRob science shit would be way better for running start nephew #1.

JMO, of course, but take it from me: sometimes people just need encouragement to buck the P’s best wishes and do something besides go to college, just because. Again, FWIW. It may well be enough to just be around to provide 3rd-party validation of what his gut has already been telling him for years.

Now, if I can ever provide advice to nephew number 2 about pursuing mus ed, you’ve got my PM inbox. That stuff actually is in my lane.

[willie]

He may be depressed. Entice him to join you in daily walks. Set examples of sensible dieting. Let him learn that he can soon feel better, and with feeling better comes interest in bettering one's situation. The kid has had few people show him how to accomplish tasks. He already knows he's a fuck up. He may be unclear about why. After you get him off his ass, plan a strategy that includes helping others through some type of volunteering. It ain't got to be brain surgery. Arrange for aptitude testing at a local community or vocational college. Why? Free information about aptitude and ability. Perhaps he may benefit from taking ONE course. Let him pay for it with his cash. Beware of couselors who might enroll him full time using loan money. The boy has become self absorbed as a defense mechanism against family dysfunction.

[Duelist]

Sounds like a welding cert or plumbing or electrician apprentice would be an excellent group of choices to look at. Yeah, the oil fields too. Something that gets him excited and he will work at and will pay a salary he can live on.

[SeriousStudent]

That's not meant as a slam. There is a lot of personal satisfaction in working hard every day, and doing something with your hands.

TGS - I think it's nice that you want to help out, since his biological dad is obviously MIA. Walking and talking with the lad could accomplish a couple of things. Focus might be one of them.