Need advice

[Nephrology]

So, I apologize in advance if this is too personal. I am sort of at my wit's end and just need some quasi-anonymous advice on a delicate situation.

To make a long story short, I've been dating a classmate of mine for the last 2 years. She has progressed into cycles of extreme and irrational jealousy that culminate in episodes of heavy binge drinking and explosive anger that, as of the last week, has escalated to physical violence (hitting, slapping). I of course turn the other cheek. Currently crashing at a friend's place after today's episode, which is the straw that has broken the camel's back.

I now know that I am in a bad situation and need to get out. Any advice on what I can do to get myself out safely while protecting myself legally, fiscally, physically, etc. would be extremely appreciated. I want to do the right thing and any thoughts on how to conduct myself with dignity and grace in this situation are equally welcome, particularly given that we are both in the same very small program.

One reassuring detail I can hare is that we have zero joint assets, no kids, no pets, no wedding ring. Everything in our respective names, no joint accounts. The most expensive item of ambiguous ownership is a $130 set of pans. She is welcome to it.


Thanks for listening and sorry again if this is too much.

[Luke]

That sucks dude. Hope you get it figured out.

[Nephrology]

That sucks dude. Hope you get it figured out.

Thanks. It's awful to see someone you care about destroy themselves like this. She needs real help. I am sadly not someone who can provide it for her...

[Luke]

Y'all ever talked about her getting some help? Maybe counseling or something.

[Nephrology]

Y'all ever talked about her getting some help? Maybe counseling or something.

It's been a non-starter each time. If she seemed genuinely motivated to get help and followed through maybe we can pick things up later, but for now I don't think she has even accepted that she has a problem yet. It's grueling to watch.

[MistWolf]

If you need legal & financial protection, consult a lawyer. If you decide to get out, get out all the way. Don't drag it out, don't try to remain friends.

I'm sorry for your loss and your troubles. I've been through a couple of bad marriages myself. The only way to put it behind you is to go through it. Don't be afraid to talk to a counselor. No matter what whirlwind of emotions that buffet you, always be professional

[LockedBreech]

I've been where you are. I'm sorry. I know you're ripped the hell apart inside.

Talk to a lawyer whose focus is family law. It'll cost a bit but you can get an exit strategy that will be sound and defensible in your jurisdiction.


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[BehindBlueI's]

One reassuring detail I can hare is that we have zero joint assets, no kids, no pets, no wedding ring. Everything in our respective names, no joint accounts.

Eject, Goose, eject!

So...what's the issue a far as legal/financial/etc? You aren't married, no kids in common, do you have a joint lease? Who's place do you live at? If she lives with you, you may need to do an eviction process if she refuses to leave. That'll be a lot of fun. If you live with her, pack your shit in the dead of night and run for it. If you're on a joint lease, talk to the landlord about moving it to her name, then pack your shit in the middle of the night and run for it.

I'm sure it'll be awkward at class for a bit, you may need to change your telephone number...maybe your name depending on the level of crazy, but get out now before one of the kids/wedding ring/etc makes it harder.

[GardoneVT]

PM inbound.

[Kanati]

It's been a non-starter each time. If she seemed genuinely motivated to get help and followed through maybe we can pick things up later, but for now I don't think she has even accepted that she has a problem yet. It's grueling to watch.

Sorry to hear of the situation you're in, it's no fun.

If she's got anything in the ballpark of willingness to look at her problem, maybe try reaching out to someone you know in AA, or to a local AA group.

The breakup may be the kick in the pants she needs to recognize that she's getting lost in the bottle....or not. She's got her process to go thru, and the shitty thing is that there's not a whole lot you or anyone can do about it; it's a her thing. I'd suggest using some bed side manner on her, it's not a huge reach, she is sick. Stay calm as best ya can and avoid retaliation...try to respond instead of reacting. You nailed it in the OP, protect yourself.