Why cant orphans play baseball?…
They dont know where home is.
Why cant orphans play baseball?…
They dont know where home is.
I'll wager you a PF dollar™ 😎
The lunatics are running the asylum
I’m never donating again to people that do marathons.
They just take my money and run…..
A pretty young lady wanted to go to Paris and be a model, but couldn't afford to go. A handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said: "I'll make you a deal. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded 'yes.' That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe."
"Lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Did you know theres more unsolved murders in Alabama than any other State?
No! Why is that??
Same DNA and no dental records.
I'll wager you a PF dollar™ 😎
The lunatics are running the asylum
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 5 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice 🙂
I'll wager you a PF dollar™ 😎
The lunatics are running the asylum
If your car has steel rims then every time you put it in drive you’re riding a ferrous wheel.
Grab your gun and bring in the cat.
What’s the difference between a car tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year!
What is the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job still sucks.
What is six inches long, two inches wide, and gets everyone excited?
A $100 bill.
What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?
A private tutor!
”But in the end all of these ideas just manufacture new criminals when the problem isn't a lack of criminals.” -JRB
I don’t mean to be a Grinch, however.... to those of you who are placing Christmas lights and decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has Red and Blue flashing lights together!! Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack!
I have to brake hard, toss my margarita out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
If we have to march off into the next world, let us walk there on the bodies of our enemies.
^^^^A-HA-HAAA-HAAAA-Haaaaha-hahahahahahaha!! I forgot what thread I'd clicked, but I knew I was reading Stephanie B's post...I'm fekking dyin' over here!
What did the left boob say to the right boob?
If we keep sagging like this, they will call us nuts.
We could isolate Russia totally from the world and maybe they could apply for membership after 2000 years.
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