Jokes. The good the bad and the ugly.

[Totem Polar]

Genie: I will grant you three wishes.

Me. Okay, first I want a world without lawyers.

Genie: Done. You have no more wishes.

Me: I thought you said I had three.

Genie: Sue me.

[Bucky]

Genie: I will grant you three wishes.

Me. Okay, first I want a world without lawyers.

Genie: Done. You have no more wishes.

Me: I thought you said I had three.

Genie: Sue me.

Let’s just say after the week I having, that’d be good enough for me.

[SiriusBlunder]

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured.... ain't nobody gonna steal Henry."

[beenalongtime]

So boss died a few weeks ago, and a salesman comes in and asks to speak to the owner. Was it wrong to put his ashes up there?

[Bigguy]

[MistWolf]

Look!" I said to my brother, pointing to the sky. "A flock of turtles!"

He turned to me, a wry expression on his face. "Turtles don't flock," he said.

"Of course, they do," I explained patiently. "Where do you think little turtles come from?"

[Bigguy]

A guy goes into a bar and takes a seat. He puts a cigaret in his mouth, then starts patting himself down, trying to find a lighter.
“Hang on a second,” the guys next to him says, then reaches down a takes a butane lighter that is a foot long from a bag at his feet. He sets it on the table, depresses the button, and flame shoots from the top of the enormous lighter.
The first guy is surprised, but carefully lights his cigaret. “Where did you get That?” he asks his new friend.
“From a genie.” comes the answer.
“The heck you say!” the first guy exclaims.
“See for yourself,” the other guy says as he pulls an old lamp from the same bag that had the lighter. He hands it to the other man who experimental gives it a rub.
Suddenly, POOF, and there stands a genie. “You have one wish Sahib,” the genie declares.
The man is surprised, but quickly recovers. “Well that’s easy,” he says. “I want a million bucks.”
“Granted!" declares the genie, then disappears.
A second later, the window at the front of the bar is shattered as a mallard comes flying through it. The bird hits the wall just above the startled patrons, breaking its neck. A second later another bird comes crashing into the bar. Then 10, then 20, then hundreds, then thousands of birds are dive bombing into the bar.
The two guys jump behind the counter for protection as the onslaught continues. When it finally ends they stand and see the bar almost completely full of dead and dying birds. “What the heck was that?” the first guy says.
“That’s your million ducks,” says his companion.
“Bucks, not ducks!” the first guy says, “Is that stupid genie hard of hearing?”
The other man says, “You don’t seriously think I intentionally wasted my wish on a 12 inch cigaret lighter do you?”

[archangel]

A guy goes into a bar and takes a seat. He puts a cigaret in his mouth, then starts patting himself down, trying to find a lighter.
“Hang on a second,” the guys next to him says, then reaches down a takes a butane lighter that is a foot long from a bag at his feet. He sets it on the table, depresses the button, and flame shoots from the top of the enormous lighter.
The first guy is surprised, but carefully lights his cigaret. “Where did you get That?” he asks his new friend.
“From a genie.” comes the answer.
“The heck you say!” the first guy exclaims.
“See for yourself,” the other guy says as he pulls an old lamp from the same bag that had the lighter. He hands it to the other man who experimental gives it a rub.
Suddenly, POOF, and there stands a genie. “You have one wish Sahib,” the genie declares.
The man is surprised, but quickly recovers. “Well that’s easy,” he says. “I want a million bucks.”
“Granted!" declares the genie, then disappears.
A second later, the window at the front of the bar is shattered as a mallard comes flying through it. The bird hits the wall just above the startled patrons, breaking its neck. A second later another bird comes crashing into the bar. Then 10, then 20, then hundreds, then thousands of birds are dive bombing into the bar.
The two guys jump behind the counter for protection as the onslaught continues. When it finally ends they stand and see the bar almost completely full of dead and dying birds. “What the heck was that?” the first guy says.
“That’s your million ducks,” says his companion.
“Bucks, not ducks!” the first guy says, “Is that stupid genie hard of hearing?”
The other man says, “You don’t seriously think I intentionally wasted my wish on a 12 inch cigaret lighter do you?”

In the version of this that I've heard, the first guy had a 1-foot tall piano player.

[5pins]

A conversation I just had with my son.

Me; "I can't say no to your mom."

Son; "Dad, you are a big boy, you can say no to mom."

Me; "If I could say no to your mom, I wouldn't have two kids."

[Totem Polar]

In the version of this that I've heard, the first guy had a 1-foot tall piano player.

Ditto.

Do you know the one about the guy who goes into a bar and draws gasps, because his head is literally half the size of a normal person’s?

His genie looked like Barbara Eden—for his 3rd wish, he asked for...