Jokes. The good the bad and the ugly.

[Darth_Uno]

Little Johnny was getting to the age where his friends encouraged him to pick up some habits his dad didn't approve of. His dad devised a test to see what kind of man he'd become. He laid out a stack of dollars, a bottle of beer, a Playboy, and a Bible on Johnny's bed.

"I'll hide and watch him", he thinks, "and if Johnny takes the money he'll be a man consumed by greed. If he drinks the beer he'll be a no-good drunk. If he looks at the Playboy he'll be a womanizer. But if he reads the Bible he'll be a good man."

So he hides, and when little Johnny gets home he looks at all the items on the bed. First he pockets the money, then he drinks the beer, then he kicks back and opens up the Playboy.

"Oh no," thinks dad, "where did I go wrong." Then some dust tickles his nose and he sneezes. Johnny jumps, looks around, stashes the beer and Playboy, and opens up the Bible.

"Lord save us, it's even worse than I thought," says dad. "He's running for Congress!"

[Totem Polar]

Q: Why don’t Pirates get to shower/clean up before they’re forced to walk the plank?


A: Everyone figures they’ll wash up on shore...

[archangel]

Speaking of Pirates... I hear that the best place to buy a hook is at a second hand store.

[SiriusBlunder]

Since we're on this subject, one of my favorite jokes. I have a blast telling it with the pirate accents.
---
So, there are these two pirates, eh. One's got a wooden leg, a hook and even a patch, too. The other one's just got the pirate clothes.

So the second pirate says to the first, "How'd ya get that wooden leg, mate?"

The first replies "Arrr, it done got bit off by a varment shark."

The second pirate is, of course, impressed, "Aye, dat's really a pirate ting to have happen. How'd ya get dat metal 'ook?"

The first replies "Lost err in a sword fight, bastard cut off me bloody hand before I run 'm through!"

"Aye, dat's really a pirate ting to have happen" says the second pirate, again impressed. "How'd ya get dat patch on your eye?"

"Well, I was up in the crow's nest eh, and I looked up to spy this seagull," says the pirate's pirate, "and the damn ting shit reet in me eye."

In disbelief the second pirate says "Well, how'd dat make ya blind?"

The first pirate replied: "Arrr...first day wit me 'ook!"

[RJ]

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officeraw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H.

He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. He turns his lights on and pulls the car over.

Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?"

"Ma’am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over."

"Oh! they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142.

[RoyGBiv]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

[Andy in NH]

Did I tell you who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor?

Everyone!

[Darth_Uno]

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just whiskey."

"But it's sinful and wicked!"

"How do you know it's so bad? Have you ever tasted whiskey?"

"Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is.”

"But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?"

"Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn't do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?"

The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman.

"Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please."

The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts "Is that damn nun here again!?"


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Totem Polar]

Fire services in Paris have found a suspicious package in Notre Dame Cathedral, but it just contained a Cheese and Tomato sandwich,
a packet of crisps, an apple and a carton of orange juice
It was the Lunchpack of Notre Dame

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
Not sure what they are laced with
I have been tripping all day

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows to high
She seemed surprised

My friend has borrowed my grandfather clock.
He owes me big time.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next poop could spell disaster!

Q. What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?




A. Every morning you'll rise and shine


Two little girls are making friends in the school playground.
"What does your Daddy do for a living?" asks Sally.
"He's a magician," says Emma.
"Ooh," says Sally, "and what's his best trick?"
"Sawing people in half," replies Emma.
"And do you have any other family?" asks Sally.
"Yes," says Emma, "I have a half -brother and two half -sisters."



Did you hear about the guy that died from eating too much spaghetti?
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He pasta way.

[mtnbkr]

[Dad Jokes]

I shall weaponize these and use them against my children.

Chris