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Thread: Jokes. The good the bad and the ugly.

  1. #551
    So Frick and Frack go out warthog hunting. After not seeing anything all morning, they decide to split up for the afternoon hunt. A short while later Frick finds Frack and asks him to help field dress the hog. Upon completion of the job they're talking and suddenly Frack pipes up, "Hey, I didn't hear you shoot. How did you kill that hog?"
    "I uglied him to death", Frick replied.
    Frack--"Come straight. You're pulling my leg."
    Frick--"No, really. I ugly it to death."
    Frack--"Well, I don't believe you. I've got to see it to believe it."
    Frick--"OK, we still have your tag left. I'll prove it on yours."
    A few hours and they spot the ugliest, nastiest boar they've ever seen. They stalk within easy eyesight of the beast, and Frick gives a low whistle to get the porker's attention and immediately contorts his face in the most gruesome way possible.
    The hog gets wide-eyed, his focus on Frick, then begins to tremble, then shakes violently for a few seconds and falls over dead.
    Frack is also wide-eyed and exclaims, "I saw it, but I still don't believe it. WOW!! Where in the world did you learn how to do that?"
    Frick replies, "My wife taught me."
    Frack questioned, "So why don't you take her hunting? You could get twice the hogs in half the time."
    Frick--"I used to, but she tears up the meat too bad."

  2. #552
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    Quote Originally Posted by jtcarm View Post
    The duck/bar joke reminds me of another one:

    I guy walks into a bar carrying a bag and orders a beer.

    “Whatcha got in the bag?” The bartender asks as pours the man a beer.

    He reaches in to the bag, and to the bartenders utter amazement, the customer places a little man about a foot tall on the bar.

    He then sets a tiny piano on the bar, and the little man sits down and starts playing.

    “That is freakin amazing!” the bartender exclaims. “Where on earth did you discover him?”

    Without replying, the man reaches back into his bag and retrieves a lamp, which he proceeds to rub.

    Sure enough, out pops a genie.

    “Holy shit!” The bartender says. “Is that a genie?”

    “Yep” the customer replies.

    “One like the stories, that can grant wishes?”

    “Yep”

    “So can I make a wish?”

    “Sure.”

    The bartender thinks for a second and says “I wish for a million bucks.”

    With a puff of smoke, ducks start raining down inside the bar.

    “I said bucks, not ducks. Is that damn genie hard of hearing or something?

    The customer replied “Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”
    The version I heard was the guy had a foot tall cigarette lighter. The punch line was, "You really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"

  3. #553
    Site Supporter NEPAKevin's Avatar
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    A girl is sitting outside a restaurant, waiting to have lunch with a girlfriend when a limo pulls up and friend gets out. With a bit of shade, she asks her gal-pal if that was her sugar daddy? The friend replies, no that's my Genie. Your Genie? Yea, my Genie. I rub his lamp and he grants my wishes.
    "You can't win a war with choirboys. " Mad Mike Hoare

  4. #554
    So a gal came by, selling magazine subscriptions for school. I asked how much and she said depends on the magazine, I responded a Beretta 92.

  5. #555
    I keep asking what LGBTQIA means, but I can't get a straight answer.
    Is the boy you were proud of the man you are?

    Fimbo iliyo mkononi, ndio iuwayo nyoka!

  6. #556
    Revolvers Revolvers 1911s Stephanie B's Avatar
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    When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his grandson were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his grandson translated: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

    A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the Moon.

    The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the Moon with the astronauts.

    Recognizing a public relations opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the grandson to translate it. He refused.

    The NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the Moon.

    Finally, the NASA crew sent the tape to an official government translator in Phoenix. He reported that the elder's message to the Moon said:

    "Watch out for these guys. They have come to steal your land."
    If we have to march off into the next world, let us walk there on the bodies of our enemies.

  7. #557
    Why are New Yorkers so depressed?

    Because the light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.
    We could isolate Russia totally from the world and maybe they could apply for membership after 2000 years.

  8. #558
    Site Supporter Totem Polar's Avatar
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    I hope y’all will take this one in the light spirit it’s offered:

    Q: Why won’t republicans vote to impeach Trump?



    A: The party platform insists upon carrying babies to full term...




    ”But in the end all of these ideas just manufacture new criminals when the problem isn't a lack of criminals.” -JRB

  9. #559
    It's bad luck to be superstitious.
    Is the boy you were proud of the man you are?

    Fimbo iliyo mkononi, ndio iuwayo nyoka!

  10. #560
    banana republican blues's Avatar
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    There's nothing civil about this war.

    Read: Harrison Bergeron

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