Quote Originally Posted by Sidheshooter View Post
What do you call a woman with a wooden leg?
Peg
What was the name of her other leg?What if she was Japanese? IreneOriginally Posted by Triggerf16
Quote Originally Posted by Sidheshooter View Post
What do you call a woman with a wooden leg?
Peg
What was the name of her other leg?What if she was Japanese? Irene
If she goes to the beach :
Sandy.
"... And miles to go before I sleep".
In my heyday, I could perform a version of the ribald classic, "The Aristocrats" that always got a round of raucous laughter...and never failed to drive at least one person away before the punchline.
If you can take it, the film is wonderful. -link-
That film is excellent!
”But in the end all of these ideas just manufacture new criminals when the problem isn't a lack of criminals.” -JRB
Orion’s belt: a giant waist of space...
”But in the end all of these ideas just manufacture new criminals when the problem isn't a lack of criminals.” -JRB
The dark side of Saget.
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"Yep," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I please have my beer and my sandwich?"
"Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck, and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls a newspaper out from his bag and starts to read it. So the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?"
“At the circus," Says the barman.
"The circus?" Repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again, “with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" asks the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says.... "I wonder what the fuck they want with a plasterer?"
”But in the end all of these ideas just manufacture new criminals when the problem isn't a lack of criminals.” -JRB
An old farmer and his wife were at the state fair. A pilot was giving rides for $20. The farmer really wanted to go up but figured the price was high.
After dickering with the pilot for some time, the pilot said, “Tell you what I’ll take you both up for free but if either of you say one word you’ll have to pay full price!”
They take off and the pilot does some gentle dive and turn... no sound from the back.
He gets more aggressive.... still no sound from his passengers.
Finally he is doing dips, dives, loops and barrel rolls... still no sound from the back.
They finally land and while getting out of the pilot noticed the wife was missing.
Pilot asked where his wife was.
The farmer, “Well she fell out.”
Why didn’t you say something?
I would have but 20 bucks is 20 bucks!
"... And miles to go before I sleep".
The duck/bar joke reminds me of another one:
I guy walks into a bar carrying a bag and orders a beer.
“Whatcha got in the bag?” The bartender asks as pours the man a beer.
He reaches in to the bag, and to the bartenders utter amazement, the customer places a little man about a foot tall on the bar.
He then sets a tiny piano on the bar, and the little man sits down and starts playing.
“That is freakin amazing!” the bartender exclaims. “Where on earth did you discover him?”
Without replying, the man reaches back into his bag and retrieves a lamp, which he proceeds to rub.
Sure enough, out pops a genie.
“Holy shit!” The bartender says. “Is that a genie?”
“Yep” the customer replies.
“One like the stories, that can grant wishes?”
“Yep”
“So can I make a wish?”
“Sure.”
The bartender thinks for a second and says “I wish for a million bucks.”
With a puff of smoke, ducks start raining down inside the bar.
“I said bucks, not ducks. Is that damn genie hard of hearing or something?
The customer replied “Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”
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