Jokes. The good the bad and the ugly.

[BehindBlueI's]

Why did the fat cannibal move out of the city?

He was fed up with people.

[peterb]

So a Texan oilman decided to go on vacation to Australia. He rents a rural homestead to get the full "Outback Experience" and arranges for a driver to pick up up at the airport. As soon as the driver gets him to the limo, the Texan starts in. "THIS is a limo? Why, in Texas this wouldn't even be a good taxi cab. Limousines are bigger in Texas. EVERYTHING's bigger in Texas." The driver takes the comments in stride and begins taking the Texan to the homestead. As they are driving past a cattle ranch the Texan bursts out again, "What? Is that a RANCH? Well, that wouldn't even be a good 4-H project in Texas. "

He continued "Back home on my ranch, it takes me all day just to drive from one side of my property to the other."

The driver paused and said "I had a truck like that once......"

[RoyGBiv]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the horse’s side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune ….. Dave, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

[RoyGBiv]

There's a thin line between a numerator and denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

[RoyGBiv]

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"

The other says, "I'm a big metal fan"

[RoyGBiv]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!!!

[Dog Guy]

A guy goes out to visit his buddy who has a farm. While there, he sees a pig hobbling around with one wooden leg. He asks his buddy "What's up with the pig and the wooden leg?" His buddy says "That's no ordinary pig. The farm house caught fire a few weeks back. The pig smelled the smoke, broke down the front door, woke me and the wife up so we could escape with our lives, and then dragged the phone out so we could call the fire department. He probably saved the whole farm!"
"Well, yeah, that's amazing" says the visitor. "But it still doesn't explain the wooden leg."
Says the farmer : "A pig that good, you don't eat all at once."

[RoyGBiv]

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty
lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest
in all the activity going on next door and spend much of each day
observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough,
more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted
with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with
a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the
appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two
dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a
savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed and asked
the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such
a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week
with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be
working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those lumberyard assholes ever deliver
the fucking sheet rock."

[Totem Polar]

Grandpa jokes; NSFW:

A little boy was sitting on a park bench eating candy bar after candy bar. A man sat down beside him and said, "You know you really shouldn't eat all those candy bars. They're bad for you."The little boy said, "My great grandpa lived to be 103". The man said, "Did he eat loads of candy bars?". The little boy said "No, he just minded his own fucking business".


One day, Bob took his 4 year old grandson to the mall. As luck would have it, they got separated. The scared little boy found a police officer and told him that he had lost his grandpa. "What's he like?" the cop asked. The little boy thought for a second, and responded: "Young girls with low self esteem and big boobs!"

[RoyGBiv]

A reporter goes to this remote village to report on the two brothers who herd sheep in the high mountians. They rarely see people.

The reporter asks them about their daily chores and how they came to be sheep herders etc etc. After the repoter finishes interviewing the brothers who tend to the 150 or so sheep he had one question, off the record, he posed to the men.

The reporter than asks....

What do you do for pleasure here? There are never any women around.

The brothers replied, we just pick out a sheep from time to time and we make love to it. It's not really that bad at all. We do it all the time.

Then the brothers said to the reporter. Go ahead. Run out there and have your way with one. KNow one will ever know and there is nobody but us here to see.

Well the reporter goes out there and picks out a sheep and starts making love to it. When he is finished he starts walking back to the brothers.

They are rolling on the grass laughing at the reporter.

The reporter is 4 shades of red of embarrassment.

Why are you both laughing at me.

The brothers both said in unison, " You picked the ugliest one!"