Nerds time.
The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here."
A time traveller walks into a bar.
A neutrino walks into a bar. Bartender says we don't serve neutrinos here. Neutrino says 'I'm just passing through!'
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "how much for a drink?" The bar tender replies, "for you, no charge."
Originally Posted by flyrodr
"You take the deck of cards out of your pocket--you do have a deck of cards, right?--and sit own and start playing solitaire. Pretty soon someone will come along and tell you to play the red ten on the black Jack..."
Recovering Gun Store Commando. My Blog: The Clue Meter
“It doesn’t matter what the problem is, the solution is always for us to give the government more money and power, while we eat less meat.”
Glenn Reynolds
The stunning young wife could hardly wait until her husband got home. She put her best perfume by the sink, removed her clothes and stepped into the shower. A few minutes later her husband arrived, heard the water running and investigated. She looked at him in her customary way, slithered her soapy body against the glass and said, "I'll get out and you get in. Hurry!"
Just as she stepped out of the shower she heard the doorbell. Wrapping a towel around her torso, she went downstairs and looked through the peephole. It was John, their friend. She opened the door and saw John's jaw drop. Enjoying the harmless play, she coyly asked what he wanted.
After a moment John said, "I'll give you $400 just to let your towel drop to your waist."
She considers the offer, and slowly drops the towel, enjoying the look in John's eyes.
John: "I'll give you another $400 to let the towel drop to the floor."
Slowly, she let the towel drop and stood there, watching the perspiration begin to form on John"s forehead. She was going to get that new pair of shoes she'd been eyeing.
John handed over the $800 and, with a final look of appreciation, left. The stunning young wife went upstairs where her husband was just getting out of the shower. "Who was that at the door", he asked.
"John".
"Good", the husband replied, "did he say anything about that $800 he owes me?"
Two lawyers from the same firm are at a bank when it gets robbed. One of the robbers starts collecting wallets and valuables from the customers and tellers. Just before the robber gets to the two lawyers the first lawyer thrusts a crumpled piece of paper into the hand of the second. "What's this?" asks the second lawyer. "That's the $20 I owe you."
Last edited by Bigghoss; 07-25-2016 at 10:41 PM.
PF members with young daughters might be the only ones to get this one.
Why was the snow yellow?
Because Elsa let it go!
A kid took a job at a sex shop to help pay for school. One day the boss told him to mind the store while he was out for lunch. A brunette lady came in and asked him how much the pink dildo cost. He said $10. She paid it, took the dildo and left. Next, a redhead came in and asked how much the red dildo cost. He said $30. She paid it, took the dildo and left. Finally, a blonde came in and asked him how much the plaid dildo cost. He said $50. She paid it, took the dildo and left. The boss came back and asked: "how did you do while I was gone?" The kid said: "Great boss! I sold a brunette the pink dildo for $10, a redhead the red dildo for $30, and a blonde your thermos for $50!"
A guy walks into a bar and sits at the counter. The bartender comes over, gets him his drink and walks away. A monkey comes out from behind the counter, grabs his drink and downs it, then runs off. The guy sits there in stunned disbelief, then calls the bartender over and tells him what happened.
"I'm sorry about that, I'll get you another drink," he says. He pours the guy a new glass and walks off. A few seconds later the monkey comes back, grabs the drink and downs it before running off again. The guy calls the bartender back again and explains the monkey just took his drink again. The bartender offers him another drink, to which he refuses.
"At this point I don't care about the drink. I just want to know what the deal is with the damned monkey." The bartender tells him he really doesn't know, but the guy should try asking the piano player. The patron then walks over to the piano player and asks, "Do you know about the monkey taking people's drinks?" The piano player says, "No, but if you hum a few bars I can play it for you."
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What do you call someone who makes kitchen surfaces for a living?
Counter Productive.
Last edited by HCountyGuy; 07-26-2016 at 02:54 AM.
“Conspiracy theories are just spoiler alerts these days.”
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer and a mop."
Three old guys die and go to Heaven. St. Peter looks at each and says to:
1. You have been a good man but not perfect, you can get into Heaven and you get a Kia Rio to drive.
2. You have been an excellent man but have some small sins, you get a Camry to drive.
3. You have been without sin and almost a saint, you get a Cadillac to drive.
The three say to each other - well, since we don't know anything about Heaven, let's meet in a week and discuss our experiences. Number 3 says - I'm going to drive my new car to find my beloved deceased with. She was a woman without sin!
A week later, they get together. Number 3 is crying. The others say - What's wrong? He says - Well, sniffle, sniffle - I went to my beloved, saintly wife's abode in Heaven and she came by - ON A SKATEBOARD!
So a Texan oilman decided to go on vacation to Australia. He rents a rural homestead to get the full "Outback Experience" and arranges for a driver to pick up up at the airport. As soon as the driver gets him to the limo, the Texan starts in. "THIS is a limo? Why, in Texas this wouldn't even be a good taxi cab. Limousines are bigger in Texas. EVERYTHING's bigger in Texas." The driver takes the comments in stride and begins taking the Texan to the homestead. As they are driving past a cattle ranch the Texan bursts out again, "What? Is that a RANCH? Well, that wouldn't even be a good 4-H project in Texas. And those are what you'd call cows? Why, are herd dogs are bigger than that. EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas." The driver is getting a bit irritated but lets it slide. They drive past a corn field and the Texan launches right back in to it. "Why, is that a FARM? That wouldn't even be a house wife's hobby garden back home. My flower bed is bigger than that. EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas." The driver's pretty tired of hearing about Texas by then, but holds his tongue. Just then a pack of kangaroos went bouncing full speed over the roadway in front of their car and were gone in a blur. The Texan opens his mouth, closes it, ponders for a bit, and then says "well...I reckon your grasshoppers are a bit bigger."
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