Jokes. The good the bad and the ugly.

[RoyGBiv]

Thanks kindly to RoyGBiv for explaining.

I believe credit goes to Josh on that one... but.. If I did something good that I'm forgetting... You're welcome!"

[LostDuke]

I believe credit goes to Josh on that one... but.. If I did something good that I'm forgetting... You're welcome!"

Of course, sorry. Thanks to Josh as well.

[oakdalecurtis]

There was an American Indian named Brave Buck. After he got married, the Chief changed his name to Yes Deer.

[CSW]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that darn gun...'





A man was in a bar and got hit so hard on the head with a bottle of 7up. He’s alright though, Luckily it was a soft drink.

[Zincwarrior]

Also remember important vernacular:

*FINGER! (don't give someone the finger)
*Muzzle! (your dog does not need a muzzle. Your barrel does)
*SLIDAKTIONHOLSTER! (what the bored SO says really fast at the end)
*IPDA (I Don't Practice Anymore)
*IDPGAY (What USPSA shooters call IDPA)
*Nonthreats (targets that just haven't revealed themselves yet and are hanging with the wrong crowd-always give them head shots)
*Threats (your in laws)
*Clean Run (when you actually hit the target. I find people who consistently hit the target just to be suckups. )
*IF you are finished (an SO is actually telling you you missed a target and might want to go back).

[Sensei]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's
testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.


Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.


As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?

'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney.'

[RoyGBiv]

Why asshole's are in charge...

All the organs of the body were having a meeting
Trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him,
So in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss

The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work,
The asshole is usually in charge.

[Totem Polar]

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency.
The social worker raised doubts about their suitability to adopt a child.
The couple showed photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social worker raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills,” they said.
Then the social worker expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, child welfare, and diet,” they replied.
The social worker was finally satisfied.
The social worker asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
The couple answered, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits into the cannon.”

[JohnO]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon
realized she was heading straight towards his seat.

As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a
conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from
my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another
popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is
men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the
lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with
you. I don't even know your name."




"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[MistWolf]

"Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise, it's five year mission to seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go, where no man, no woman, lesbian, bisexual, gay, or transsexual, or metrosexual, skolio-"

-if George Takei had gotten the role of Captain Kirk