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Thread: Jokes. The good the bad and the ugly.

  1. #21
    Site Supporter Totem Polar's Avatar
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    Aug 2013
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    PacNW
    Quote Originally Posted by johnson View Post
    3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp...
    ^^^ that is epic.


    Last edited by Totem Polar; 07-25-2016 at 01:05 AM.

  2. #22
    Two Alabama State Troopers are in pursuit of a suspect. As they cross into Georgia, the trooper driving the car stops and pulls off on to the side of the road. His partner starts yelling, "What are you doing? He's getting away!"

    The driver looks at his partner and says, "We can't catch him now, he's an hour ahead of us."
    “Conspiracy theories are just spoiler alerts these days.”

  3. #23
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    Nov 2013
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    Illinois
    A man was admitted to the hospital and immediately became rude to the nurses and aides and ER docs. When he got to the floor, the nurses were aware of his behavior, and he did continue to curse, insult and berate hospital staff. The charge nurse is brought in to try to calm the guy down and he isn't having any of it. She sits down and informs him that they'll begin the admission process and need vital signs.
    "I'm gonna need to take a rectal temperature, it's the most accurate." the nurse says without looking up from her clipboard.

    after a great amount of argument, he finally consents and drops trou. The nurse puts the thermometer in his butt and tells him to stay still for five to ten minutes.
    As he's waiting, he could swear he hears the sound of snickering in the hallway. As the time stretches on, he gets angry and demands that a nurse come in. The doctor happens to be rounding at that time and walks in to ask him how he's doing. As the doctor pulls open the curtain he begins laughing uncontrollably.

    Angry and embarassed, he asks the doctor,
    "What, have you never seen someone having a rectal thermometer taken? What kind of hospital is this..are you some sort of idiot?"
    The doctor stops laughing long enough to gasp out
    "No sir....it's not that....it's just....I've never seen it done with a carnation before."

  4. #24
    Modding this sack of shit BehindBlueI's's Avatar
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    Mar 2015
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    Midwest
    Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky?

    If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

  5. #25
    A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar.

    The bartender goes, "what is this, a joke?"
    "Customer is very particular" -- SIG Sauer

  6. #26
    Modding this sack of shit BehindBlueI's's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Location
    Midwest
    A Hoosier and a Kentuckian are gigging frogs on their respective sides of the Ohio. The Kentuckian isn't finding any frogs, so he hollers over to the Hoosier, "You gettin' any frogs?" The Hoosier yells back, "Yeah, there's more than I can gig, come on over." The Kentuckian doesn't have a boat and yells back "I would, but the bridge is too far for me to walk and I ain't got a boat." The Hoosier, seeing an opening for a bit of fun, yells across "That's ok, I've got a flashlight. I'll turn the light on and shine it at you and you just walk across on the beam." The Kentuckian thinks about it for a minute then hollers back, "You ain't foolin' me none. I'll get half way across and you'll turn the damn light off."

  7. #27
    A baby polar bear walks up to his mother and asks her, "Am I 100% polar bear?"

    She says, "Yes, of course. I'm 100% polar bear, your father is 100% polar bear, and you're 100% polar bear."

    The baby polar bear shakes his head and walks away. A short time later, he asks his father, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"

    His father says, "Yes, of course. I'm 100% polar bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, and you're 100% polar bear. Why do you ask?"

    The baby polar bear says, "Because I'm freezing my ass off."


    Okie John
    “The reliability of the 30-06 on most of the world’s non-dangerous game is so well established as to be beyond intelligent dispute.” Finn Aagaard
    "Don't fuck with it" seems to prevent the vast majority of reported issues." BehindBlueI's

  8. #28
    Two buddies had been out squirrel hunting and were headed back to their truck. There was a bit of discussion about the quickest way back.

    One of them asked the other, “Do you know how you can always find your way out of the woods if you get lost?”

    “How’s that?”, said the other.

    “Well, you keep a pocket possum compass with you."

    “A what?”

    “A pocket possum compass - - - a baby possum.”

    “Yeah . . .???”

    “Sure. If you’re lost, you just take it out of your pocket, set it on the ground, and follow it. It’ll lead you straight to the nearest highway . . ."

  9. #29
    Quote Originally Posted by flyrodr View Post
    Two buddies had been out squirrel hunting and were headed back to their truck. There was a bit of discussion about the quickest way back.

    One of them asked the other, “Do you know how you can always find your way out of the woods if you get lost?”

    “How’s that?”, said the other."
    "Always carry a tiny bottle of gin and a tiny bottle of vermouth. If you get lost, start making a martini."

    "Well, I can see how that might make you feel better, but how does it help with being lost?"

    "Because any time you make a martini somebody will show up and tell you you're doing it wrong."

  10. #30
    Two peanuts were walking down the street and one of them was a salted.

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