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Thread: Jokes. The good the bad and the ugly.

  1. #271
    Member LostDuke's Avatar
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    A Russian spy, a sex predator and a billionaire go to a bar.





    The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"

  2. #272
    Member LostDuke's Avatar
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    Trump " I am not orange!"



    Impeach.

  3. #273
    banana republican blues's Avatar
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    I think that the "Glock Ejection Without Magazine" thread has gone on long enough and that the mods, (who are shit here), should change the title to "Got Erection Without Magazine". Who knows, something useful might come out of it unlike the current circle jerk.
    Last edited by blues; 02-18-2017 at 11:48 AM.
    There's nothing civil about this war.

    Read: Harrison Bergeron

  4. #274
    Wood burnin' Curmudgeon CSW's Avatar
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    A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maine Fish and Game officers.

    "We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife,".

    "Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.

    One officer said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news"!

    Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first, don't cha know."

    The officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

    "Lord sufferin' Jesus!" exclaimed Flynn. "What could possibly be the gawd dahm good news?"

    The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Lobster’s that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 60's, and we
    feel you are entitled to a share of the catch."

    Stunned, but thinking of a New England boiled suppah, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

    The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
    "... And miles to go before I sleep".

  5. #275
    Site Supporter hufnagel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LostDuke View Post
    Trump " I am not orange!"



    Impeach.
    Technically, I think he looks more tangerine or blood orange than just straight orange.
    Rules to live by: 1. Eat meat, 2. Shoot guns, 3. Fire, 4. Gasoline, 5. Make juniors
    TDA: Learn it. Live it. Love it.... Read these: People Management Triggers 1, 2, 3
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  6. #276
    Site Supporter NEPAKevin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hufnagel View Post
    Technically, I think he looks more tangerine or blood orange than just straight orange.

    Man goes to the doctor because his penis has turned orange.
    Doctor asks him if his work involves handling chemicals.
    Man replies that he is retired.
    Doctor inquires if he uses any chemicals around the house for cleaning and so forth.
    Man shakes his head, no.
    Doctor asks about his hobbies.
    Man responds that he has none.
    So the doctor asks him what he does all day.
    Man says "I sit at my desk and watch porn on the internet while eating Cheetos..."
    "You can't win a war with choirboys. " Mad Mike Hoare

  7. #277
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    Quote Originally Posted by NEPAKevin View Post
    Man goes to the doctor because his penis has turned orange.
    Doctor asks him if his work involves handling chemicals.
    Man replies that he is retired.
    Doctor inquires if he uses any chemicals around the house for cleaning and so forth.
    Man shakes his head, no.
    Doctor asks about his hobbies.
    Man responds that he has none.
    So the doctor asks him what he does all day.
    Man says "I sit at my desk and watch porn on the internet while eating Cheetos..."
    Trump might sit around eating cheetos all day, but he doesn't watch porn...he marries it.


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  8. #278
    Why can’t you trust atoms?






    They make up everything.

  9. #279
    Site Supporter Totem Polar's Avatar
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    Since it's St. Paddy's...

    Here's one I just poached from a buddy who retired to a FL beach gig after over 2 decades with the NYPD:


    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp.

    "What happened to you? asks Sean the bartender.

    "Jamie O’ Connor and me had a fight." says Paddy.

    "That little shit O’ Connor", says Sean "He couldn’t do that to you, he must of had something in his hand."

    "That he did. says Paddy ''a shovel is what he had, and a terrible licking he gave me with it"

    "Well'' says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?"

    ''That I did'' said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

  10. #280
    What was the name of those two gay Irishmen? John Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzjohn?
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