Jokes. The good the bad and the ugly.

[hufnagel]

Man walks into his favorite watering hole and saddles up to the bar.
As the bar keep pours him a brew, the man looks over and sees Donald Trump and Ted Cruz at a table in the back.
The man asks the bar keep and he confirms it's them.
He walks over and asks what they're doing there.
Trump says "We're planning World War 3."
The man asks "What are you going to do?"
Cruz replies "We're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The man exclaims "Why are you killing a blonde with big tits!?"
Trump replies "See? No one gives a shit about 140 million Muslims."


A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder.
He sits down and the monkey takes off, running around, swinging from everything, making a ruckus, takes a cue ball from the pool table and eats it.
The man, embarrassed, pays for his drink and the cue ball and leaves.
The next week the man comes back to the same bar with his monkey, sits and the monkey starts doing his thing.
Eventually he grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bar keep, disgusted by the display asks why the monkey did that.
The man replies "ever since the cue ball incident he measures everything now."

[RevolverRob]

Did you guys hear about the Portland Dong Dangler? It's a serial vandal who ties dildos together and throws them over powerlines. Portland PD has put a couple of dicks on the case.

https://pistol-forum.com/showthread....rates-Portland

Seriously...I couldn't WRITE a better joke than what real life has provided.

[Paul D]

A guy and a girl have been dating for a while, and tonight's the night they are going to do it for the first time. The girl insists that they have to be very honest to each other about their bodies. She starts by saying that she is not busty as she appears and that she actually stuffs her bra. Now it was the guy's turn: he states that he is built like a baby below the belt. So they start taking off their clothes. The girl takes off her top and bra, and she is flat as board. The guy takes off his pants. The girls sees his junk and passes out. He wakes her up and the first thing she says is: "I thought you said you said you were built like a baby!" He replies: "I am. Eight pounds; 21 inches".

[LostDuke]

Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome. One says breathlessly, "I've never come this way before!" to which the other replies, "It's the cobblestones."

[johnson]

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?





















Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

[Josh Runkle]

Did you guys hear about the Portland Dong Dangler? It's a serial vandal who ties dildos together and throws them over powerlines. Portland PD has put a couple of dicks on the case.

https://pistol-forum.com/showthread....rates-Portland

Seriously...I couldn't WRITE a better joke than what real life has provided.

My wife has taken to calling him: "The Donglar".

[johnson]

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

[Josh Runkle]

A Paramedic arrives at a hospital and begins going over the patient's vital signs and procedures performed while handing over the patient to the Nurse.

The Nurse says to the patient, "Sir, did the Ambulance Driver bring your shoes with you"?

Confused, the Paramedic says, "Ma'am, I'm a Paramedic, not an 'Ambulance Driver'."

The Nurse replies, "Yeah, but, I mean, that's what you do, you drive ambulances, so...you're an Ambulance Driver."

The Paramedic says, "Yeah, well, I don't call you an Ass Wipe."

[johnson]

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

[johnson]

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.


One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50.

The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.

First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.

Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.

Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.

Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."