Jokes. The good the bad and the ugly.

[wrmettler]

Doctor joke?

Darryl as a young man started to have headaches when he was around 14-15 years old. His folks took him to all sorts of doctors, but to no avail. No doctor had any ideas about the cause.

As Darryl got older, the headaches persisted, and got to the point where he sought his own medical consultations. He went all over the US, visiting Mayo Clinic, Johns Hopkins, Harvard, Yale, etc. No help from any place. He even went to the Barrows in Phoenix, where he lived. The headaches just kept getting worse.

Finally, one day Dr. George calls from Barrows and say to Darryl that he might have found an answer, and could they meet. Dr. George explained to Darryl that he, the doctor was on the cutting edge of medical research, having graduated from Harvard, Harvard Medical School, and will post grad training at Harvard, Mass General and Johns Hopkins. He said that he found the solution, but that it required “harvesting” Darryl’s testicles. Dr. George thought it wasn’t that big of a deal.

Darryl ran out of the consultation appalled. But, after a couple more years of pain, he relented, and the operation took place. After some adjustment (and medication), Darryl decided to take a cruise around the world and in order to do that properly, he needed an all new wardrobe. So, he went to see Barney the tailor.

Barney did business for 40 years in a shabby old building in downtown Phoenix. He wasn’t much to look at, but he was a good tailor. People came from all over to get fitted and he was considered the best.

So, in walks Darryl and announces that he wants a whole new wardrobe to travel in. Barney says, “well young man, you’ve come to the right place. I see you with a 17 ½ - 35” shirt, 50 sports jacket, 40 – 36 pants, 42 belt, 48 underwear t-shirt, 38 jockey shorts, 7 7/8 hat, 12 eee shoe and about 12-14 socks, and maybe a size 50 overcoat. Am I right”?

Darryl says “that’s amazing, but you’re wrong”. Barney says he’s never wrong and what does Darryl think. Well, Darryl says: "I wear a 34 jockey, and I’ve worn that size since I was 15".

Barney looks a Darryl, and says, “Naw kid, you wear your jockeys too tight, it pinches your balls, and gives you a headache.

[5pins]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,
gives the husband a big french kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"

I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris,
no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[CCT125US]

https://video-yyz1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/...7f&oe=5814ECCA

[RoyGBiv]

Why Women Make Better Assassins


The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a
woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
Kill her."

The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my
wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard
one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair.

[RoyGBiv]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip.

It's after midnight. While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness because the man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife, naked, with a man. The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat .
HE paid for your motorcycles and toy hauler.
HE paid for your Football season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?


The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

[JohnO]

Hillary Clinton addressed a major gathering of the Yavapai Indian Nation in Prescott, AZ, recently. She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living.

Though vague in detail, she spoke about her ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers."
Afterwards, the Tribes presented her with a plaque inscribed with her new Native American name,
"Walking Eagle", which she proudly accepted.

After Hillary left, a news reporter asked the Chief how they came to select this name.
He explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly.

[Greg]

Here is a guide to the points system women have devised:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed .............................................+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1

You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5

in the snow.............................................. .....+8

but return with beer..........................................-5

and no liners............................................ ....-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5

You pummel it with a six iron................................+10

It's her cat............................................... ..-40


AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party............ 0

You stay by her side for a while, then

leave to chat with a College drinking buddy......-2

Named Tiffany....................................-4

Tiffany is a dancer..............................-10

With breast implants.........! ....................-18


HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday................................0

You buy a card and flowers...............................0

You take her out to dinner.............................. 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1

Okay, it is a sports bar................................-2

And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your

face is painted the colors of your favorite team.......-10


A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal.......................................0

The pal is happily married..........................+1

The pal is single...................................-7

He drives a Ferrari.................................-10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15



A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie...............+2

You take her to a movie she likes..! ...+4

You take her to a movie you hate......+6

You take her to a movie you like......-2

It's called Death Cop 3...............-3

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15


YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly................-15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...+10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose

jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...........................-30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".................-800


THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding......................-10

You reply, "Where?".............................-35

You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".........-100

Any other response..............................-20



COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned _expression....................0

You listen, for over 30 minutes..................................+5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience........+50

You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying
"well,

what do you think I should do"...........................-50

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+100

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep............-200

[Robinson]

That's hilarious.

[Glenn E. Meyer]

You buy a 1911 ......................... -5
You agree to buy a 1911 and new downstairs drapes ........... -5 +10 = +5, I know.
Since you have a pot belly, you agree to order the salmon at the fancy steak house .......... +2

[Greg]

You buy a 1911 ......................... -5
You agree to buy a 1911 and new downstairs drapes ........... -5 +10 = +5, I know.
Since you have a pot belly, you agree to order the salmon at the fancy steak house .......... +2

You get caught checking out the rack on the waitress......... -200