Jokes. The good the bad and the ugly.

[RoyGBiv]

oops!

[Totem Polar]

hufnagel's smurf/politics thread reminded me of this old-school political gem:


Q: Did you hear what Kenneth Starr found in the pocket of Monica's blue dress?



A: A wad of Bill's....

[boing]

Nerds time.

The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here."
A time traveller walks into a bar.

A neutrino walks into a bar. Bartender says we don't serve neutrinos here. Neutrino says 'I'm just passing through!'

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "how much for a drink?" The bar tender replies, "for you, no charge."

An atom walks into a bar. The bartender says "What's wrong?" The atom says "I think I just lost an electron." The bartender says "Are you positive?"

[Glenn E. Meyer]

The story was told that an old SAC sergeant passed on and (of course, being from SAC) was admitted promptly to Heaven. The Archangel Gabriel was showing the new arrival around, and the SAC man was surprised to find that inside the Pearly Gates was an installation that looked exactly like a SAC base.

Suddenly the alert siren went off and out of the ready room, heading for the flight line, stormed a rumpled figure in Air Force blue, chomping at a fat cigar.

"I didn't know that General LeMay had died and come to Heaven", the astonished sergeant said.

"Oh, that is not Curt LeMay," the Archangel replied with a sigh. "That is Jesus Christ - He just thinks He is Curt LeMay."

---------- Credit to James K on TFL - where I saw this.

[Duces Tecum]

SIDEBAR: Thing is, I was raised in a SAC household during Gen LeMay's time. From what I remember, this is less a joke and more a documentary.

[RoyGBiv]

Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to NY other to California.
Every ten years they agree to meet in Chicago and play golf.


They finish their round at age 30 and go to lunch.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts. The legs…”
“OK.”

Ten years later at 40 they play.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.”
“OK.”

Ten years later at 50
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“The food is good and there is plenty of parking.”
”OK.”

At 60
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Wings are half price.”
“OK”

At 70
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.”
“OK.”

At 80
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“We’ve never been there before.”

[RoyGBiv]

Tom's Scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband,

Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating

and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the

congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold

me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors

performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants

of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible

surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors

say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[MistWolf]

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter, he's not going to come to you anyway.


Where do you look for a dog with an legs?

Right where you left him.

You know what you do with a dog with no legs?

Take'm out for a drag

[JFK]

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulbs?

It's a really esoteric number, you've probably never heard of it.

[Totem Polar]

How'd the hipster burn the roof of his mouth (on the way to saving civilization)?

He ate his artisanal pizza before it was cool...


How do you suffocate a hipster?

Drown him in the mainstream.