A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
”But in the end all of these ideas just manufacture new criminals when the problem isn't a lack of criminals.” -JRB
when does a joke become a dad joke?
when it becomes apparent.
Doctor says, “Test results are in, and I’ve got some bad news.”
“Well make it quick, I don’t have all day.”
“Oh…did the nurse already tell you?”
Man to Wife: If I had only six weeks to live, I'd spend ever moment with you....Originally Posted by Darth_Uno
Wife: Ohh. Honey, gow sweet.
Man continuing: .... it'd seem like forever.
Adding nothing to the conversation since 2015....
So, this old fellow is riding a city bus and he keeps glancing at a young guy with a pink rooster-comb hairdo, tattoos, and piercings. The young guy gets agitated.
“What the hell you staring at old man? You don’t like my tattoos? ”
“No” said the old fellow, “It’s not that.”
“Is it my piercings? Do they bug you or something?”
“No” said the old fellow, “It’s not that.”
“So it’s my hair, eh? That’s what creeps you?
“No” said the old fellow, “It’s not that.”
“Then why the f*ck do you keep staring at me?”
“Well” said the old timer, “I’ll tell you. A long time ago when I was young and jobs were hard to get, I worked on a farm in rural Saskatchewan. It was lonely and there were no girls around, and I was young and horny. So one night, out of desperation, I humped a chicken. And I’m just wondering if you might be my son.”
"If I ever needed to hunt in a tuxedo, then this would be the rifle I'd take." - okie john
"Not being able to govern events, I govern myself." - Michel De Montaigne
I stand with Israel:
- -
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone voice he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I
FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was clearly in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
”But in the end all of these ideas just manufacture new criminals when the problem isn't a lack of criminals.” -JRB
I'm thinking of forming an '80's heavy metal cover band called "Ünnecessary Ümlaut"
"The victor is not victorious if the vanquished does not consider himself so."
― Ennius
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