Redneck spelling bee:
A little boy was in the spelling bee and he was given the word Obama.
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Ah sure can. Last night I bought a case of beer and drank it Obama self."
Redneck spelling bee:
A little boy was in the spelling bee and he was given the word Obama.
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Ah sure can. Last night I bought a case of beer and drank it Obama self."
Bob couldn’t believe it when he got fired from the calendar company.
All he did was take a day off…
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits - Mark Twain
Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy / Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?
Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.
So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:
-Is Crimea ours?
-Yes, it is.
-And the Donbas?
-Also ours.
-And Kyiv?
-We got that too.
Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:
-Thanks, how much do I owe you?
-5 euros.
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits - Mark Twain
Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy / Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?
Did you know that you could buy iron and carbon together as an alloy?
It's a steel!
From Older Offspring after a discussion of coffee:
"If it doesn't come from the Kaffa province of Ethiopia, it's just hot roasted-bean juice."
Stolen from the pirate joke thread on adv
Doing the rounds in Russia - quietly, of course......................
Wife to Husband "Whats this 'Special Military Operation' our great leader keeps telling us about?"
"It is a proxy war, held in Ukraine, between Russia and NATO." he replied.
She made further enquiry "And how is it going?"
He replied "Well, we have lost 24,000 troops, 2,000 tanks, 200 aircraft, many helicopters, loads of armoured personell carriers and artillery pieces plus our flagship of the Black Sea Fleet."
"Wow - thats a lot. What about NATO?" she asked.
"They have not turned up yet" he replied.............................
“Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.”
― Theodore Roosevelt
I was in the office today and the cleaning lady asked if I wanted to smoke weed with her. I declined. I don’t really like high maintenance women.
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits - Mark Twain
Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy / Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.
If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.
Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song but The Chick Peas can only hummus one.
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits - Mark Twain
Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy / Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?
This is an oldie, I know:
Sergey Victorovich Chemezov, one of Russia’s leading oligarchs and a colleague of Vladimir Putin’s from their time in the KGB, paid Putin a visit to see how he is holding up under the strains of the Ukrainian “special military operation.” After the initial greetings, Chemezov asked how he was doing.
“Ah, Sergey Victorovich, it has been difficult. All I do is read the reports of my generals and issue order that may not be obeyed. I don’t know if this is all worth it,” Putin sighed.
“Come with me, Vladimir Vladimirovich, I have something to show you,” Chemezov said.
They left Putin’s office and went to the Ostankino Tower, also known as the Moscow Television Tower, the tallest structure in Europe. Putin and Chemzov took the elevator up to the top floor and then took a special maintenance elevator the rest of the way up. There, they stepped out on a small balcony.
“Look around you, Vladimir Vladimirovich,” Chemsov said. “This is the greatest city in the world. Within the sight of your eyes are tens of millions of Russians who will do your bidding. They will lay down their lives for you if you command it.”
Putin grasped the railing and looked out. “I know, Sergey, but do the people love and respect me or do they fear me?”
Chemsov said: “That, I do not know.”
Putin asked: “I want them to love me. How can I reach their hearts and make them love me?”
Chemsov thought for a minute and then offered a suggestion: “Well, you could jump.”
If we have to march off into the next world, let us walk there on the bodies of our enemies.
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