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Thread: Jokes. The good the bad and the ugly.

  1. #591
    Site Supporter
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    Nov 2012
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    Erie County, NY
    In two years, Hillary and Donald meet in a bar:

    Hillary - so back to the Apprentice?
    Donald - Yep, hear you are doing Dancing with the Stars, should be huge.
    Hillary - well, if I throw my back out Medicare for All will pay for it.
    Donald - At least, I won't have to pay for the grandkids' college.
    Hillary - Amen to that.
    Donald - Pence is saying Amen quite a lot. Won't come out of his room.

    Bartender - more Chardonnay. Thought you didn't drink, Donald.

    Well, there is always a first time. Didn't think I would be president either.

  2. #592
    Site Supporter Totem Polar's Avatar
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    Aug 2013
    Location
    PacNW
    The medical community is unable to reach consensus on what to do with America's health insurance situation.
    The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
    The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
    Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
    Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
    The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
    Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
    The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
    The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
    Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
    In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

    - - -


    Sad news about Prince Andrew’s car crash next month.

    - - -

    What do Maggie Thatcher and Prince Andrew have in common?
    They both fucked miners!

    - - -

    It snowed last night...
    8:00 am: I made a snowman.

    8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

    8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

    8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

    8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

    8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

    8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

    8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

    8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

    8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

    8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

    8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

    8:45 - TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

    9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

    9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

    9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

    By noon it all melted

    Moral:

    There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.

    ”But in the end all of these ideas just manufacture new criminals when the problem isn't a lack of criminals.” -JRB

  3. #593

  4. #594
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    Feb 2015
    Location
    SW Ohio
    Little boy comes up to his mom and asks, "Mommy, is my pee-pee bad for me?

    Mother replies, "No son, your pee-pee isn't bad for you, why do you ask?

    Little boy said, "If it isn't bad for me then why is daddy upstairs trying to pull his off?

  5. #595
    Ready! Fire! Aim! awp_101's Avatar
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    Sep 2017
    Location
    DFW
    Jimmy finally worked up the courage to ask the girl of his dreams to prom and she said yes.

    He had the ideal tux in mind and when he got to the store there was a huge tuxedo line but he waited and got the one he wanted. He knew exactly which corsage he wanted to get her and when he got to the flower store there was a long corsage line but he waited and got the one he wanted. When he went to arrange the limo to pick them up there was a long line for the limos but he waited and got the one he wanted.

    Finally prom came and everything was going great. They were at the table and he asked if he could get her anything and she asked for punch.

    He got up and went to the table serving punch but there was no punch line.
    Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits - Mark Twain

    Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy / Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?

  6. #596

  7. #597
    Site Supporter
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    Jan 2012
    Location
    Fort Worth, TX
    "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms." - Thomas Jefferson, Virginia Constitution, Draft 1, 1776

  8. #598
    Member Greg's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Location
    Utah
    An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

    He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

    After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter: 'Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?'

    The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

    In a husky voice, the woman next to him says; 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:


    1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
    2. The bouncer is a blond girl.
    3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in karate.
    4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.
    5. The lady to your right is blond and a Professional wrestler.

    'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

    The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
    Don’t blame me. I didn’t vote for that dumb bastard.

  9. #599
    Site Supporter Totem Polar's Avatar
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    Aug 2013
    Location
    PacNW
    ABC7 news, Detroit - A 15 year old boy was at the center of the Wayne County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

    The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

    After two recesses to check legal references and conference with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Detroit Lions whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
    ”But in the end all of these ideas just manufacture new criminals when the problem isn't a lack of criminals.” -JRB

  10. #600
    Quote Originally Posted by P30 View Post
    With this, I LOL'd at the thought of mixing Donald Trump and one of those baby generating photo things, with Greta Thunberg. I think the internet would explode.

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