When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
With liberty and justice for all...must be 18, void where prohibited, some restrictions may apply, not available in all states.
Me: I just don't think I can work there anymore after what my boss said to me.
Wife: Why, what did he say?
Me: You're fired.
We could isolate Russia totally from the world and maybe they could apply for membership after 2000 years.
It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles. The older I get, the earlier it gets late. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
With liberty and justice for all...must be 18, void where prohibited, some restrictions may apply, not available in all states.
A wife sent her husband a romantic text message… She wrote:
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits - Mark Twain
Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy / Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?
The last time we were in Mexico visiting my wife's family, I stopped into this shop that made beautiful, custom, handmade footwear. I said, "I have to run, but could I quick try on that pair of boots?"
The proprietor looked at me sternly and said, "No. These boots are made for Joaquin."
From Older Offspring after a discussion of coffee:
"If it doesn't come from the Kaffa province of Ethiopia, it's just hot roasted-bean juice."
Just left Walmart where a lady with a basket full of TP asked me what kind of dog I had. I said a service dog. Very rudely she yells what type of service? I said he is a BLD. What's a BLD? She asked as she is allowing my dog to lick her face. With a straight face I said "He is my butt licking dog ( BLD ). I can't find any toilet paper anywhere because of people like you hoarding the TP so he licks my ass clean...... The cashier lost it and walked away from the register.
"No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms." - Thomas Jefferson, Virginia Constitution, Draft 1, 1776
A homeless man was on the sidewalk. He had out a cup with "please help me" written on it. He was missing both legs and one hand.
A conservative man walked by and screamed "lift yourself up by your bootstraps!"
A liberal man walked by later, stopped, and said "if you could only lose that hand, I could get you some real help!"
REPETITION CREATES BELIEF
REPETITION BUILDS THE SEPARATE WORLDS WE LIVE AND DIE IN
NO EXCEPTIONS
We wish to thank the United Network Command for Law and Enforcement, without whose assistance this program would not have been possible.
Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."
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