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Thread: Jokes. The good the bad and the ugly.

  1. #761
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Location
    Henderson, NV
    When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
    With liberty and justice for all...must be 18, void where prohibited, some restrictions may apply, not available in all states.

  2. #762
    Me: I just don't think I can work there anymore after what my boss said to me.

    Wife: Why, what did he say?

    Me: You're fired.

  3. #763
    Site Supporter
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    Texarkana, Texas
    Name:  Painting.jpg
Views: 862
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  4. #764
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Location
    Henderson, NV
    It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles. The older I get, the earlier it gets late. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
    With liberty and justice for all...must be 18, void where prohibited, some restrictions may apply, not available in all states.

  5. #765
    TANSTAAFL awp_101's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Location
    DFW
    A wife sent her husband a romantic text message… She wrote:
    “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
    If you are laughing, send me your smile.
    If you are eating, send me a bite.
    If you are drinking, send me a sip.
    If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

    Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”
    Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest. - Mark Twain

    The G19 might be a better combat arm but nothing screams pistol whip like a full rail 1911

  6. #766
    Runs on Bare Metal Guerrero's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2017
    Location
    Deep Blue WI
    The last time we were in Mexico visiting my wife's family, I stopped into this shop that made beautiful, custom, handmade footwear. I said, "I have to run, but could I quick try on that pair of boots?"

    The proprietor looked at me sternly and said, "No. These boots are made for Joaquin."
    "What's Occam's razor?"
    "Probably a razor that belongs to some dude named Occam."

  7. #767
    Site Supporter RoyGBiv's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Fort Worth, TX
    Just left Walmart where a lady with a basket full of TP asked me what kind of dog I had. I said a service dog. Very rudely she yells what type of service? I said he is a BLD. What's a BLD? She asked as she is allowing my dog to lick her face. With a straight face I said "He is my butt licking dog ( BLD ). I can't find any toilet paper anywhere because of people like you hoarding the TP so he licks my ass clean...... The cashier lost it and walked away from the register.
    "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms." - Thomas Jefferson, Virginia Constitution, Draft 1, 1776

  8. #768
    Actually Molasses Baldanders's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Location
    Rural North Central NC
    A homeless man was on the sidewalk. He had out a cup with "please help me" written on it. He was missing both legs and one hand.

    A conservative man walked by and screamed "lift yourself up by your bootstraps!"

    A liberal man walked by later, stopped, and said "if you could only lose that hand, I could get you some real help!"
    EXPECT PLEASURE
    KNOWLEDGE IS SEXY
    EXPECT PAIN
    KNOWLEDGE IS TORTURE

  9. #769
    Mother Earth Will Swallow You
    Lay Your Body Down
    Find The Price of Freedom
    Laying in the Ground

  10. #770
    Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
    A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
    The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
    He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
    Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
    choked up…
    "Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
    "Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."

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