Two elderly Irish women ran into each other at the market.
“Marge, please accept my condolences. I heard you buried your husband last week.”
“I had to, Mary. He was dead, you know.”
Two elderly Irish women ran into each other at the market.
“Marge, please accept my condolences. I heard you buried your husband last week.”
“I had to, Mary. He was dead, you know.”
If we have to march off into the next world, let us walk there on the bodies of our enemies.
If we have to march off into the next world, let us walk there on the bodies of our enemies.
Q: What do you call a dinosaur that gets up really early?
A: Asskrackadon!
”But in the end all of these ideas just manufacture new criminals when the problem isn't a lack of criminals.” -JRB
If a large group of crows fly into a plate glass window, is it a murder suicide?
"If I ever needed to hunt in a tuxedo, then this would be the rifle I'd take." - okie john
"Not being able to govern events, I govern myself." - Michel De Montaigne
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
I've never had a lentil on my face.
That was ugly. I like it.
Adding nothing to the conversation since 2015....
A boy asks his father, "Why do we have such strange names?"
His father, the chief, says, "You are named after the first thing you see when you are born. That is why your brother is Flying Eagle, and your sister is Running Deer."
"Ok, but did I have to be Dog Taking A Shit?"
A successful investment banker parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. This thing was loaded with remote start, heated seats and steering wheel. It even automatically paired with his phone when he got in. As he got out, a bus came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's side. He screamed at the car to call 911. It wasn't more than a minute before a policeman pulled up. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the banker started screaming how his car, which he just picked up that day, was completely ruined and would never be the same again.
After the banker finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you finance guys are," he said "You're so focused on your possessions, you don't care about anything else!" "How can you say that?" asked the banker, angrily. The policeman replied, "Didn't you realize that your left arm is missing from your elbow down? It's been completely torn off from when the truck hit you!" The banker looked down in absolute horror.
"Oh my God!" he screamed... "Where's my Rolex!?"
3 men are drinking at a bar when a drunk guy wanders in.
He staggers up to the counter, points at the guy in the middle, and shouts, "Your mom's the hottest fuck in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy just shakes his head and ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was freaking sweeeeeeeet!"
Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom loved it! You know what she let me do…?"
Finally, the guy interrupts: "Go home dad, you're drunk.”
”But in the end all of these ideas just manufacture new criminals when the problem isn't a lack of criminals.” -JRB
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