Jokes. The good the bad and the ugly.

[Maple Syrup Actual]

This is a joke I heard years ago in a french movie I was watching which actually translates pretty much perfectly. I don't think it's commonly known? At least I hope everyone hasn't heard it already. It's pretty dark, so, fair warning.








There's a local goon drinking in a bar one night, and as he drinks he gets more aggressive. He's been going all night and he's pretty loaded by this point, and when they finally throw him out of the bar he's in an angry mood.

Stumbling out the door and down the street, he spies a nun in her full habit. He steadies himself for a moment and steps up to her, staring her right in the eye for a moment. Then he hauls off and punches her in the face. She goes down, of course, and he stands there over her yelling at her to get up and get back in the fight until she climbs back to her feet, and he knocks her down again. Finally she crawls off as he stands there, swaying and leering.

"Not so tough after all, eh, Batman?"

[Gun Mutt]

A woman enters the rooftop bar of the most expensive hotel in the city, orders a Cosmopolitan and proceeds to berate the bartender for having Fox News on the tv, insisting he turn it to MSNBC or at least CNN. The only other customer, a man a few stools down, tilted his thick bourbon glass towards her in an air-cheers and lamented that he hadn't said the same thing when he first sat down and asked if she'd allow him to add her drink to his tab.

As they chatted, the woman explained the importance of her work as a lobbyist for Moms Demand Action and the generally deplorable state of the deplorables in charge of the patriarchy, momentarily remembering her manners long enough to ask what he did for a living. He was, he said, an architect and had, in fact, designed and overseen the construction of the very hotel they sat atop.

It was, he continued, the very pinnacle of eco-shared development and the safest building in the world. When she asked what he meant by eco-shared construction, he went on to explain that temperature, wind and atmosphere were very different at ground level as opposed to their lofty perch. By working with the natural state of the thermals around the building, he had created a building you absolutely could not fall from.

Any doubts were erased when the man climbed onto the railing and leapt off in a swan dive- WHOOSH! -to her amazement, the man was gently tossed back over the railing to land lightly next to her. Amazing, she cried! Try it yourself, the man encouraged, since the design uses the imminently feminine powers of mother nature, it's quite literally infallible!

Nodding at the obvious wisdom of his statement, the woman took off her shoes and allowed the man to help her onto the railing, with faith in the Earth Mother, she leapt out...and plunged screaming to her death. The man kicked her shoes off the edge and returned to his stool at the bar.

The bartender reached for the remote and said, Damn Superman, I know you really hate liberals, but you're kind of a dick when you drink!

[Totem Polar]

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take all my money to the afterlife.”

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait a minute!”

She had a shoebox with her. She came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man.” She said, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”

[Darth_Uno]

My son asked what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone. Then I asked him why he was ignoring me.

- - - - - - - -

I got a call the other day. "Sir, we're with the insurance company handing your mother-in-law's fatal airplane crash. We wish to settle with you."

"Great, how much do I owe you?"

- - - - - - - -

I tried to remarry my ex-wife, but she thought I was just after my money.

[Totem Polar]

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.

“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, or a serious personal injury, or a death in your immediate family – but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,

“Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

[RJ]

I was telling my wife the other day that I developed a irrational fear of speed bumps...but I'm slowly getting over them...

[SiriusBlunder]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in her cute tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit!"

[Bigguy]

A bunch of fellows were manning a sheep dip station.
(This is where sheep were dipped into a vat of water with a poison that would kill skin parasites. Usually way out in the middle of nowhere. The men working here were notoriously self reliant.)
They spied a dust cloud on the barren horizon that grew as it approached. Eventually they made out a large man riding a grizzly bear, using a couple of rattlesnakes as a halter. He came up to to the station and tied the bear to the horse rail using the rattlesnakes. He picked up the trough of sheep dip (easily 30 gallons of poison water.) and drained it, drinking the entire trough of dip water.
He finished the entire vat of dip, then tipping his hat, he untied the snakes and remounted the bear in preparation to continue on his journey.
“Excuse me sir,” one of the sheep herders said. “You are the toughest man we’ve ever met!”
As he road off in rush he called back, “Just wait till that son-of-a-bitch chasing me gets here."

[Andy in NH]

I had a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.

[RoyGBiv]