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Thread: Jokes. The good the bad and the ugly.

  1. #611
    Member Greg's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Location
    Utah
    Late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

    Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.

    He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”

    “It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” he was responded.

    So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

    A week later, he called the National Weather Service again, “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”

    “Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”

    The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

    Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

    “Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.”

    “How can you be so sure?” the chief asked.

    The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.”
    Don’t blame me. I didn’t vote for that dumb bastard.

  2. #612
    My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties.
    I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching.
    Either way it made her funeral a bit awkward.
    Is the boy you were proud of the man you are?

    Fimbo iliyo mkononi, ndio iuwayo nyoka!

  3. #613
    What do you give a dog that has a high temperature?

    Spoiler (highlight to read):
    Ketchup, it is the best thing for a hot dog.
    Is the boy you were proud of the man you are?

    Fimbo iliyo mkononi, ndio iuwayo nyoka!

  4. #614
    Site Supporter
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    Texarkana, Texas
    A police officer pulls over Werner Heisenberg for speeding. Approaching the car the officer asks, "Do know how fast you were going?"
    "No," Dr Heisenberg answers, "but I know where I am."

  5. #615
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2019
    Location
    Arizona Sonoran desert

    Another cop...

    Yes, another cop pulls over a real hotrod. He says "I've been waiting all day for you!"

    The hot rodder says "I got here as fast as I could!"

    Farswot

  6. #616
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Southern CA, for now
    Quote Originally Posted by Bigguy View Post
    A police officer pulls over Werner Heisenberg for speeding. Approaching the car the officer asks, "Do know how fast you were going?"
    "No," Dr Heisenberg answers, "but I know where I am."

    Officer then says "Sir, I clocked you at 92 MPH"

    Heisenberg throws his hands in the air and exclaims "Great! Now I'm lost!"

  7. #617
    Site Supporter
    Join Date
    Oct 2017
    Location
    Southern NV
    A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

    The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had.

    As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

    “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.

    The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.

    The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

    “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

    The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid it was you and you were trying to give her back.”

    “Have a nice weekend,” said the officer and he walked away.

  8. #618
    I walked into a room full of women and they couldn't stop staring at me.
    Spoiler (highlight to read):
    Ooops - wrong bathroom!
    Is the boy you were proud of the man you are?

    Fimbo iliyo mkononi, ndio iuwayo nyoka!

  9. #619
    Gucci gear, Walmart skill Darth_Uno's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    Location
    STL
    Old Man O’Malley gets pulled over about 2:00 in the morning.

    “And where might you be goin’ this time o’ night?” asked the officer.

    “Truth, I’m off to a lecture about the evils o’ drinkin’, smokin’ and carrying on late at the pub.”

    “And who’d be givin’ that lecture at this hour?”

    “That’d be Mrs. O’Malley.”


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  10. #620
    Over one hundred years ago two brothers thought it was possible to fly - they were Wright!
    Is the boy you were proud of the man you are?

    Fimbo iliyo mkononi, ndio iuwayo nyoka!

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