Jokes. The good the bad and the ugly.

[jtcarm]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in her cute tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit!"

That reminds me of the story of Mark:

Walking on a dark and deserted street one night, he hears a faint voice the distance call his name “Mark, Mark”

He glances back, shrugs, then keeps walking.

The voice gets a little louder “Mark, Mark”. He turns & asks who’s there, and it gets a little louder, Mark, Mark.”

Now he’s a little worried and picks up the pace, but the voice keeps getting louder “Mark, Mark!”

Mark breaks into a run, but the voice just gets closer, Mark, Mark!”

He begins to hear footsteps so he turns in to an alley, exhausted, but it’s a dead-end and the voice & footsteps are right behind him “Mark, Mark!”

So he turns to face his tormenter and finds...

A hair-lipped dog.

[RoyGBiv]

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinkingdrunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.


He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded Dave , 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'


The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter ..'


Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got
to send me back straight away.'


St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'


Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.


A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.


'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'


'It's not so bad', replies Dave , 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'


'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'


'Never', replies Dave ..


'Well just relax and let it happen'.


And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.


When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!


The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...


' Dave , wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'

[Darth_Uno]

Three old boys were sitting on a park bench.

First one says, it’s the damnedest thing. My farts are loud, but they don’t smell at all.

Second guy says, that’s weird, mine will tranquilize a horse but don’t make any noise.

Third guy says I must be special, mine don’t have a sound or smell.

The other two, astonished, look at him and go, then what’s the point?


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[Darth_Uno]

Two Irish models are waiting on the photographer to set up.

“What’s he doing?” one model asked the other.

“He’s getting ready to focus.”

“FOCUS! Well that’ll cost a bit more!”


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[Darth_Uno]

A father had three sons, all very successful. On his deathbed he said, “Sons, I hope you’ve done well because of the lessons I taught you. As a token of your gratitude, I’d like each of you to leave $1000 in my casket.”

When the day came, the doctor placed $1000 cash in the casket.

The banker placed $1000 cash in the casket.

The Senator wrote a check for $3000 and took the $2000 cash.


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[RoyGBiv]

Three old boys were sitting on a park bench.

First one says, it’s the damnedest thing. My farts are loud, but they don’t smell at all.

Second guy says, that’s weird, mine will tranquilize a horse but don’t make any noise.

Third guy says I must be special, mine don’t have a sound or smell.

The other two, astonished, look at him and go, then what’s the point?


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Your avatar looks like he's trying to launch one.
The silent ones are more deadly. Just sayin.

[NEPAKevin]

The silent ones are more deadly. Just sayin.

[RJ]

A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... so, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH


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[JohnO]

Doug’s Last Will and Testament.



Doug lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses”

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100
and Tavernier."

“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on BlackwaterSound.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."

The wife replies, "The a$$hole had a paper route."

[Totem Polar]

My Mexican brother-in-law had a cousin who was born with two penises. The family decided that, to distinguish them, they needed names. They called one penis José. The other was Hose B.