A guy goes to the doctor for his annual physical...
Doctor: You have to stop masturbating.
Patient: Really? For how long?
Doctor: At least until I'm done with the prostate exam.
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A guy goes to the doctor for his annual physical...
Doctor: You have to stop masturbating.
Patient: Really? For how long?
Doctor: At least until I'm done with the prostate exam.
Sent from my moto g(7) using Tapatalk
Ewwww
"No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms." - Thomas Jefferson, Virginia Constitution, Draft 1, 1776
Just heard this one at work.Originally Posted by Paul D
A guy goes in for his prostate exam.
Doctor says, "Just so you know, this will likely cause an erection."
"Well, that's science and all. I'll be alright."
"I wasn't talking about you."
What RoyGBiv said.
Doctor, I don't mind you doing a prostate exam, but do you really have to put both hands my shoulders?
This guy goes to the doctor due to a wicked headache that’s been hanging around for over a week.
He asks the doc if he could provide something to make it go away.
The doc has just purchased a new diagnostic machine (similar to those used to diagnose car problems, except this one diagnoses humans), and he’s been dying to try it out on his first patient.
He says to the guy “not only will this thing tell you what’s wrong with you, but it will even prescribe a remedy. All you need to do is provide a urine sample, which I will then pour into this funnel at the top."
The guy does as instructed, the doc pours the sample into the analyzer, then after about 20 seconds of beeping noises, buzzing, and flashing lights the machine spits out a piece of paper into the bottom tray.
The doc picks up the paper, reads it, and then says, “you have tennis elbow”.
The guy says, “that doesn’t make sense. I don’t even play tennis, and my elbow feels fine. My head on the other hand is fucking killing me…”
At this point the doc interrupts and says, “nonsense, this device doesn’t lie. I want you to go home and soak that elbow overnight and then come back and see me tomorrow morning, and don’t forget to bring another urine sample with you.”
The guy leaves, but on the way home decides that this doctor is full of shit.
He then has an idea.
Once home, he finds a mason jar and deposits a small urine sample into it.
He then gets his wife, daughter, and dog to also make a contribution.
Not satisfied with this he scrapes some oil off the garage floor under where his car is parked and drops that into the mix, and for the icing on the cake he chokes his chicken long enough to get the desired results, drops that into the jar, seals the lid, and then gives the concoction a good shake.
“There ya go, doc. Stick that up your computer!”
Next morning he hands the doc the jar.
Doc pours the contents into the machine.
This time it takes a full 10 minutes for the paper to drop.
Doc picks it up and begins reading: “Your wife’s pregnant, your daughter’s fucking the entire football team at Richmond High, your Doberman has rabies, your Volvo needs an oil change, and if you don’t quit spanking your monkey you’ll never get rid of this tennis elbow!”
A foodie was touring South America. He was visiting a city in Peru and went into a local restaurant. He looked over the menu and asked the waiter what was the house special.
"Senor, we have a dish we call the Matador's Special. But it is only available when there are bullfights at the arena."
"When is that," the foodie asked.
"Tomorrow, Senor."
The foodie came back the next day and ordered the Matador's Special. The dish was two large lumps of sauteed meat on a bed of seasoned rice. It was delicious, one of the best meals that he had eaten in this trip. As he paid the check, he asked the waiter what sort of meat was in the dish.
The waiter said: "The meat? It was the testicles of the bull from the fight today."
"Well, it was fantastic. Will there be another bullfight tomorrow?"
"Yes, Senor, there will be."
So the next day, the foodie was at the restaurant and ordered the Matador's Special. When the dish was served, there were two small bits of meat.
The foodie called the waiter over. He pointed at the plate and said: "Yesterday, when I ordered the special, there were two large pieces of meat. Today, the pieces are a lot smaller. What happened."
The waiter sighed. "Ah, Senor, you have to understand, sometimes, the bull, he does not lose."
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye...
I had to break up with her because I was always worried she was seeing someone on the side.
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits - Mark Twain
Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy / Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?
Why should you never date a tennis player?
Love means nothing to them.
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits - Mark Twain
Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy / Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?
I was in a job interview yesterday and the interviewer asked if I can perform under pressure.
I said “No, but I can do a killer Bohemian Rhapsody.”
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits - Mark Twain
Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy / Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?
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