What do you call a groovy east African earthquake?
Shake Djibouti.
What do you call a groovy east African earthquake?
Shake Djibouti.
"The victor is not victorious if the vanquished does not consider himself so."
― Ennius
Steve Harvey is getting divorced.
Family feud.
Is the boy you were proud of the man you are?
Fimbo iliyo mkononi, ndio iuwayo nyoka!
Two guys were walking their dogs in the neighborhood one hot day in the summertime. As they approached a local tavern, Guy 1 says to Guy 2, “Man, I’m roasting, let’s nip into the tavern for a cold one.”
Well, Guy 2 is a little skeptical and says, “Aw man I’d love to, but with public health laws and all, they won’t let us bring our dogs in with us.”
Guy 1 looks a little sweaty and defeated, but he thinks on for a couple of more minutes. Suddenly he brightens up and says, “Hey, I got a GREAT idea! What we can do is since we’re wearing sunglasses, we can take the dogs in and if the barkeep says anything, we can just say we’re blind and these are our seeing-eye dogs!”
Guy 2 gets even more skeptical and says, “C’mon man, that will NEVER work; we need to think of something else.”
Guy 1 says, “Naw, you’re wrong … watch this!” So, Guy 1, walks carefully up to the tavern door and then inside. The barkeep sees him and says, “Hey you, you can’t bring that dog in here!” Guy 1 looks up in apparent confusion and says, “But wait, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” Embarrassed, the barkeep says, “Oh, sorry man, I didn’t know. What’ll you have?” Guy 1 says “how about a cold beer for me and some water for my dog?”
Now Guy 2 sees all this transpire and he’s amazed at the brilliance of his buddy. Thus emboldened, he sets his sunglasses on his face just so and enters the tavern with his dog. The Barkeep looks at him and says, “Hey guy, you can’t bring that dog in here!” Guy 2, emulating his bud says, “But hey, can’t you see I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog?”
The barkeep says sarcastically, “Seeing-eye dog my ass … that’s a Chihuahua”
After a brief pause, Guy 2 says with disbelief in his voice, “What? You mean they gave me a Chihuahua???”
”But in the end all of these ideas just manufacture new criminals when the problem isn't a lack of criminals.” -JRB
This is a stolen joke, so don't blame me....
Why did the lobster blush?
Because he saw the ocean's bottom.
"... And miles to go before I sleep".
What did Hillary saw when Epstein asked her to be his Valentine?
Nothing…she left him hanging
I'll wager you a PF dollar™ 😎
The lunatics are running the asylum
Guy goes to see his Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, I'm so ashamed. You're not going to believe this. My boy left the house and became a Christian."
Rabbi says, "You're not going to believe this. My son left the house and became a Christian!"
"What should we do?"
"What else? We pray to God!"
They pray, and God says,
"You're not going to believe this..."
Ignore Alien Orders
The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."
"Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."
"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmaltzy; what on earth would I wear?
Sarah replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York."
"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."
The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way Mom, I really want you to come."
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2029, Sarah Goldstein is sworn in as President of the United States.
In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?"
The senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."
Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."
An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
I didn’t think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected.
I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.
Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.
I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.
My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met. I’m not buying it.
Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow has only 16. (I didn't get this one.)
I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.
Adding nothing to the conversation since 2015....
An Irishman walks into a railway station and presents himself at the ticket counter.
“I'd like a return ticket,” he says.
“Where to?”
“To here!” says the Irishman.
In the P-F basket of deplorables.
Originally Posted by DDTSGM
Cross Eyed Woman acoustic by Jason Elmore 2019
Gringop (Sorry about the overplaying but it is Jason Elmore)
Play that song about the Irish chiropodist. Irish chiropodist? "My Fate Is In Your Hands."
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