My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus.
Not only was I shocked, I was aghast, appalled, and dismayed.
My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus.
Not only was I shocked, I was aghast, appalled, and dismayed.
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits - Mark Twain
Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy / Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson are sitting around the fire, having a brandy (and, likely, a sniff of cocaine –legal in Holmes’ time…) after cracking the biggest case in their career. Watson says to Holmes, “You were just magnificent, Holmes, simply brilliant tonight!” To which the famed sleuth replied, “Oh, I couldn’t have managed very well without you, my dear Watson…”
There is a moment of awkward silence as the sentence hangs in the air until Watson finally blurts, “Holmes, I think I am in love with you!” Not at all taken aback, Holmes simply replies, “And I with you Watson. And I with you!”
Giddy with excitement, the two crime fighters make their way up the stairs together, but not before Holmes grabs a lemon meringue pie from the kitchen window sill, where it was cooling.
Later that night, Holmes and Watson are laying together, exhausted.
“That was simply incredible, Holmes” Watson murmurs, “but I have to ask; why the pie?”
“Lemon entry, my dear Watson… Lemon entry.”
”But in the end all of these ideas just manufacture new criminals when the problem isn't a lack of criminals.” -JRB
Originally Posted by Totem Polar
A lady is sitting on the park bench beside the playground, with one eye on her kid, and one in her romance novel. Little Johnny comes running up and asks breathlessly, “Mommy! What is it called when one person climbs on top of another when they go to sleep?”
“Never mind that, Johnny, go back and play some more.”
A few minutes of reading pass by and here is Johnny again:
“No, really Mommy, I really want to know. What do you call it when one person is on top of another when they are sleeping?”
With a sigh, mom musters her courage and replies, “It’s called sexual intercourse. It’s what adults do when they are friends. Now go back and play, and we’ll talk about this later!”
Not two minutes go by before Johnny is back, protesting loudly.
“You were wrong, mommy! It’s called Bunk Beds, and Timmy’s Mom wants to talk to you right away!!!”
”But in the end all of these ideas just manufacture new criminals when the problem isn't a lack of criminals.” -JRB
Q: Y'all know the difference between a really poor marksman and a constipated Owl?
-
-
-
A: The marksman shoots and shoots and shoots, but never hits...
”But in the end all of these ideas just manufacture new criminals when the problem isn't a lack of criminals.” -JRB
A guy goes in to the doctor complaining about serious problems with flatulence.
The doc tells him to get undressed and that he'll be right back.
A few moments later, the doc comes back in carrying a long pole with a small metal hook at one end.
Terrified, the guy stammers, "what are you planning to do with that thing, doc?"
"I'm going to open a window", says the doc, "it freakin' stinks in here..."
”But in the end all of these ideas just manufacture new criminals when the problem isn't a lack of criminals.” -JRB
A guy is interviewing for a trucking company. The final question goes like this.
"You’re headed down a steep mountain and your air-breaks go out. You pull the emergency stop lever, but the belt doesn’t deploy. You’ve passed the last emergency pull off a quarter mile back. There are several sharp curves, but if you make it past them, there is a busy intersection at the bottom of the hill. You can see traffic backed up through the intersection with a couple of 18 wheelers carrying flammable and toxic cargo. What do you do?"
Trucker says, “I wake up my Willie, my relief driver.”
The interviewer looks surprised and asks, “What good will that do?”
“Whelp,” says the trucker. “I ain’t sure it’d do any good, but Willie ain’t never seen a wreck like we’re about to have.”
Last edited by Bigguy; 01-12-2022 at 08:54 PM.
When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
With liberty and justice for all...must be 18, void where prohibited, some restrictions may apply, not available in all states.
I'm going to start sleeping on old magazines.
I have back issues.
Is the boy you were proud of the man you are?
Fimbo iliyo mkononi, ndio iuwayo nyoka!
Our daughter was at a birthday party yesterday. That night, after she had gone to bed, I was watching the game on TV when she snuck out of her bedroom and came to the living room. She tugged on my shirt sleeve and asked, "Daddy, do you know how old I am going to be next month?" I replied, "I don't know sweetheart. How old?" She smiled a beautiful, happy smile and raised four cute little fingers.
It is now the next morning, and she still refuses to say where she got them from.
Reply With Quote