When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."
When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."
With liberty and justice for all...must be 18, void where prohibited, some restrictions may apply, not available in all states.
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing.” She then said, "That's what you did yesterday!”
I replied, "I wasn't done , so I'm in the middle of finishing right now.”
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: "Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?" Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child.”
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”
I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
Why do Auburn fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.
How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course.
How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.
Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird." The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?" (To be fair he could have been a trap shooter)
What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise."
How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend? There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
What do you get when you put 32 Kentucky cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.
The University of Michigan Coach is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week. The other half will have to dress themselves.
How is the Kansas football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
How do you get a former University of Miami football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.
Adding nothing to the conversation since 2015....
I heard that by law you have to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits - Mark Twain
Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy / Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?
I've been told that reincarnation is making a comeback.
Is the boy you were proud of the man you are?
Fimbo iliyo mkononi, ndio iuwayo nyoka!
Most people are reincarnated. Marines get a reboot.
Fellow from West Virginia was stopped by Highway Patrol. Trooper asked: "You got any ID?"
Driver responded: " 'bout what?"
If we have to march off into the next world, let us walk there on the bodies of our enemies.
I can't even be offended because it's 100% accurate.
Originally Posted by Stephanie B
I have a buddy who lives in Weirton in northern WV. When he tells a West Virginia joke he starts with; "there was this guy from Lower West Virginia".
I think if the rest of the state could vote on it we'd happily donate the northern panhandle to Pennsylvania.
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