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Thread: Jokes. The good the bad and the ugly.

  1. #671
    Site Supporter Totem Polar's Avatar
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    What is the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi?
    ”But in the end all of these ideas just manufacture new criminals when the problem isn't a lack of criminals.” -JRB

  2. #672
    Site Supporter Totem Polar's Avatar
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    The people in Dubai do not like the Flintstones the people in Abu Dhabi do!
    ”But in the end all of these ideas just manufacture new criminals when the problem isn't a lack of criminals.” -JRB

  3. #673
    Quote Originally Posted by Sidheshooter View Post
    The people in Dubai do not like the Flintstones the people in Abu Dhabi do!
    Many Russians are resigned to this fact and are saying "So be it." This isn't surprising as Russia was once the heart of the So Be It Union.
    We wish to thank the United Network Command for Law and Enforcement, without whose assistance this program would not have been possible.

  4. #674
    Chasing the Horizon RJ's Avatar
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    Jan 2014
    A plane has five passengers on board: Dr. Anthony Fauci, The Pope, Hillary
    Clinton, Donald Trump, and a 10 year old school girl. The plane is about to
    crash and there are only four parachutes.

    Dr Fauci said, “I need one because I have to help develop a cure for the
    global health crisis COVID19”! He straps on a parachute and jumps.

    The Pope said, “I need one because I have to spiritually guide people
    through the global health crisis COVID19"! He straps on a parachute and
    jumps.

    Hillary Clinton said, ‘‘I need one because I’m the smartest woman in the
    United States.” She straps up and jumps.

    Donald Trump pauses for a moment and then turns to the 10-year-old girl.
    After a deep sigh he says tenderly, "You can have the last parachute. I've
    lived my life, but yours is only beginning."

    The 10 year old girl looks up and says, "Don’t worry president Trump, there
    are two parachutes left. The smartest woman in the United States took my
    school backpack.

  5. #675
    Personals:

    Man with toilet paper looking for a woman with hand sanitizer for some clean fun.
    We could isolate Russia totally from the world and maybe they could apply for membership after 2000 years.

  6. #676
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    Quote Originally Posted by 5pins View Post
    Personals:

    Man with toilet paper looking for a woman with hand sanitizer for some clean fun.
    Hand sanitizer on your junk? Masochism! (You do you, but I'll pass)
    "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms." - Thomas Jefferson, Virginia Constitution, Draft 1, 1776

  7. #677
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    Henderson, NV
    The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

    She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

    You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.

    "Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples."

    Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.

    "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

    All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

    A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Frank." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
    With liberty and justice for all...must be 18, void where prohibited, some restrictions may apply, not available in all states.

  8. #678
    Chasing the Horizon RJ's Avatar
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    Jan 2014
    Stolen from elsewhere:

    "From an anonymous UPS delivery driver...

    5 types of customers since the “rona”:

    1) Steve:
    He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has 6 months provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Steve demands a handshake as I give him his package. He’s sizing me up as I deliver his ammo.
    Steve will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to.

    2) Brad:
    He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is mad because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole Foods today. He points at the ground where he has taped a 6 ft no go zone line from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bites, and his new “Bernie Bro” hat at the tape.
    Brad will not survive.
    Steve will probably eat him.

    3) Nancy:
    She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat, and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her kids and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender, & mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about “The Rona” on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 ft rule. I will leave her yet another case of toilet paper.
    She will last longer than Brad, but not Steve.

    4) Karen:
    She has called everybody and read them the latest news on “The Rona”. She asked for the manager at Food Lion, Walmart, Publix, McDonalds, Chi-Fil-A, and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper. Karen’s kids are currently faking “The Rona” to avoid her. I’m delivering “Hello kitchen” to her.
    Karen will not survive longer than Brad.

    5) Mary:
    Is sitting in the swing watching her kids have a water balloon fight in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought 2 cases of pop tarts, 6 boxes of cereal, 8 bags of pizza rolls, And a 6 roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Post Malone playing in the background. I’m bringing her second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in 3 days.

    Mary will survive and marry Steve.
    Together they will repopulate the earth. "

  9. #679
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    After being married for 44 years, he took a careful look at his wife one day and said, 'Love, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 21-year-old girl.

    Now I have a $750,000 home, a $85,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain.'

    His wife was a very reasonable woman. She told him to go out and find a hot 21-year-old girl, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

    Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis...
    With liberty and justice for all...must be 18, void where prohibited, some restrictions may apply, not available in all states.

  10. #680
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    Henderson, NV
    It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

    One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

    The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb..

    Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

    A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

    There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

    Women blink twice as often as men.

    The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

    Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

    If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

    Women reading this will be finished now.

    Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
    With liberty and justice for all...must be 18, void where prohibited, some restrictions may apply, not available in all states.

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