Younger Offspring cam to me with this one:
If you watch Jaws in reverse, it becomes the heartwarming tale of a shark who donates limbs to disabled people (and, as a buddy of mine noted, occasionally coughs up a naked woman).
Younger Offspring cam to me with this one:
If you watch Jaws in reverse, it becomes the heartwarming tale of a shark who donates limbs to disabled people (and, as a buddy of mine noted, occasionally coughs up a naked woman).
From Older Offspring after a discussion of coffee:
"If it doesn't come from the Kaffa province of Ethiopia, it's just hot roasted-bean juice."
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department. After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, "You are a big strong kid, and you can really shoot. So far, your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an 'Attitude Suitability Test', that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six child molesters, six rapists, six meth dealers, six terrorists , six politicians who want to turn American into a communist country, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
With liberty and justice for all...must be 18, void where prohibited, some restrictions may apply, not available in all states.
You’ve got an off-beat sense of humorOriginally Posted by Guerrero
”But in the end all of these ideas just manufacture new criminals when the problem isn't a lack of criminals.” -JRB
An elderly lady called up her neighbor:" Hi, could you come over and help me with my puzzle? the pieces kind of flew everywhere, and I don't think I can do it myself."
Being a nice guy, the neighbor came right over and the elderly lady showed him all the pieces strewn haphazardly all over the table and the floor.
He asks:"what are pieces supposed to represent?", "A rooster, I think. That's what on the box", she answers.
He looks over the pieces, looks over the box, turns to her and lightly smiling says
"first of all, we're not going to be able able to put all those pieces together and make a rooster" He takes her hand and tells her to relax "let's make you a cup of tea"
"And then, we'll put the cornflakes back in the box".
" La rose est sans pourquoi, elle fleurit parce qu’elle fleurit ; Elle n’a souci d’elle-même, ne demande pas si on la voit. » Angelus Silesius
"There are problems in this universe for which there are no answers." Paul Muad'dib
I liked pop music better...
...Pre-Malone.
From Older Offspring after a discussion of coffee:
"If it doesn't come from the Kaffa province of Ethiopia, it's just hot roasted-bean juice."
One evening, four brothers chatted together after dinner.
They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they had given their elderly mother a few days earlier.
Milton said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
Marvin said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."
Michael said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
Melvin said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.
I bought her a parrot who could recite the entire Bible.
It took ten preachers over 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year
for five years to the church, but it was worth it.
Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After her birthday celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.
She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
Thanks anyway."
"Michael, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes.
The thought was good.Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, you gave me an expensive theatre that can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it.
Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."
Love, Mama
”But in the end all of these ideas just manufacture new criminals when the problem isn't a lack of criminals.” -JRB
One more:
”But in the end all of these ideas just manufacture new criminals when the problem isn't a lack of criminals.” -JRB
I am so forwarding the shit out of that one.
If we have to march off into the next world, let us walk there on the bodies of our enemies.
For the car nerds...
I had a Camaro once.
I traded it for a dog.
I was tired of walking alone.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to blood donation clinic.
The nurse asked the rabbit: "What is your blood type?"
"I am probably a type O" said the rabbit.
Ignore Alien Orders
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