What do you call a blind deer that has been neutered?Originally Posted by MistWolf
No fucking eyed deer.
What do you call a blind deer that has been neutered?
No fucking eyed deer.
I would have guessed "Kickstand"?
I have a bunch of VERY NSFW jokes, non racist. Thought I'd get preapproval first though.
Grandpappy is sitting on the porch watching Junior rummage around in the shed. Junior comes out with a box of something or other.
Grandpappy: Boy, what you got in that box?
Junior: Chicken wire.
Grandpappy: What are you gonna do with it?
Junior: Gonna head into the woods.....Gonna catch me some chickens.
Grandpappy: Boy...you got your brains from your momma's side of the family, that ain't what chicken wire is for.
Junior shrugs, wanders off, and a few hours later comes back with a flock of chickens that he releases into their hen house.
The next day Grandpappy's back on the porch and Junior's rummaging around in a drawer in the kitchen. Junior comes out with another box.
Grandpappy: Boy, what you got in the box?
Junior: Duck tape.
Grandpappy: What are you doing with duck tape?
Junior: Gonna head down to the lake...gonna catch some ducks.
Grandpappy: Boy, look, I'll give you the chicken wire thing worked but even a body as thick headed as you ought to know duck tape ain't for catching ducks.
A few hours later Junior come back with a big flock of ducks and releases them into the farm pond.
The next day Grandpappy's sitting on the porch and Junior' cutting some small branches off a tree, stuffing them in a box.
Grandpappy: Boy, what you got in the box?
Junior: Pussy willow.
Grandpappy: What are you going to do with Pussy willow?
Junior: Gonna head into town...gonna
Grandpappy cuts him: Hold on, I'll grab my hat.
A priest sees a little boy sitting on the steps playing with his truck and cursing. He decides we try to teach the little boy something better to do with his time. The priest says to the little boy, you know if you rub holy water on a pregnant woman's belly she'll pass a baby boy. Little boy says that ain't nothin, rub a little turpentine on a corn cob and jamming up a cat's ass, and it'll pass a motorcycle!
A disclaimer first. Remember these are jokes, not a way of life! I'll go with the mantra of "It's easier to get forgiven, than permission"
What's the difference between a bull and a bull dyke?
5 pounds and a flannel shirt.
Why do gay men prefer ribbed condoms?
Gives them more traction in the mud.
What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer?
A freezer doesn't fart when you pull meat out of it.
Last edited by VW.45; 07-27-2016 at 09:03 AM.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?” So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.” The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?” And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?” And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.” But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.”
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
"No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms." - Thomas Jefferson, Virginia Constitution, Draft 1, 1776
Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are captured by ISIS. The appointed Jihadi executioner approaches them and says " I''m not a barbarian, so before I kill you, it it is at all possible to grant a final request, I will do so"
He then says to the Irishman, "do you have a final request?"
"Yes" The Irishman says " I would like to hear a massed Irish choir sing the beautiful ballad 'Danny Boy"
"Ok" says the Jihadi, and then to the Scotsman "do you have a final request?"
"Yes" The Scotsman says "I would like to hear the pipers of the Scots Guards play the beautiful tune 'Rose of Scotland"
"Ok" says the Jihadi, and then to the Englishman "do you have a final request?"
"Yes" The Englishman says "kill me first".
"No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms." - Thomas Jefferson, Virginia Constitution, Draft 1, 1776
An Italian, a Frenchman and a Russian find an old bottle on the beach. They remove the stopper, and a genie flies out. He’s so grateful to be free that he offers each of them one wish.
The Italian wishes for an enormous amount of money, a villa in the best district in Florence, cars, a healthy big family, and everything that goes along with a very luxurious lifestyle. POOF! The genie gives it to him.
The Frenchman’s wish is similar to the Italian’s. He wants a villa on the Mediterranean, lots of money, luxuries and women. POOF! He gets it.
The Russian thinks for a minute. He tells the genie, “My neighbor back home has a goat, and I don’t have one. I wish you would kill my neighbor's goat!”
Q: What is the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play the Highland Bagpipes, but refrains from doing so.
Last edited by Lex Luthier; 07-28-2016 at 01:19 PM.
"If I ever needed to hunt in a tuxedo, then this would be the rifle I'd take." - okie john
"Not being able to govern events, I govern myself." - Michel De Montaigne
According to Churchill, a gentleman is one who is only rude on purpose.
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