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Thread: Jokes. The good the bad and the ugly.

  1. #631
    Site Supporter 0ddl0t's Avatar
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    Feb 2019
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    Jefferson
    What did socialists use for light before candles?










    Electricity

  2. #632
    Ready! Fire! Aim! awp_101's Avatar
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    Sep 2017
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    DFW
    A girl wakes up her boyfriend and says "I just had the strangest dream! You gave me an engagement ring and proposed to me! What do you think that means?" He winks and says "I guess you'll find out tonight."

    She spends the rest of the day in giddy anticipation and calling all of her friends to be ready for a big announcement.

    That night he takes her to a fancy restaurant and after the meal hands her a bag with a small box inside. Excitedly she tears it open to find a book entitled How to Interpret Dreams
    Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits - Mark Twain

    Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy / Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?

  3. #633
    Procrastination is much easier to do than say.
    Just saying...
    Is the boy you were proud of the man you are?

    Fimbo iliyo mkononi, ndio iuwayo nyoka!

  4. #634
    The guy who invented the umbrella had planned to call it the brella. But he hesitated.

    ***************
    I've got a buddy who's getting rich taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes. He say's it's like shooting fish in apparel.

  5. #635
    Revolvers Revolvers 1911s Stephanie B's Avatar
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    East 860 by South 413
    Quote Originally Posted by awp_101 View Post
    A girl wakes up her boyfriend and says "I just had the strangest dream! You gave me an engagement ring and proposed to me! What do you think that means?" He winks and says "I guess you'll find out tonight."

    She spends the rest of the day in giddy anticipation and calling all of her friends to be ready for a big announcement.

    That night he takes her to a fancy restaurant and after the meal hands her a bag with a small box inside. Excitedly she tears it open to find a book entitled How to Interpret Dreams
    I hope he has a good handle on How to Sleep on the Couch.....
    If we have to march off into the next world, let us walk there on the bodies of our enemies.

  6. #636
    Banned
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    holding the head of Perseus in my support hand
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  7. #637
    Revolvers Revolvers 1911s Stephanie B's Avatar
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    Mar 2014
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    East 860 by South 413
    Q: Why do men make great used-car salesmen?

    A: They're experienced at lying about their equipment.
    If we have to march off into the next world, let us walk there on the bodies of our enemies.

  8. #638
    Site Supporter
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    Jan 2012
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    Fort Worth, TX
    A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

    I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

    The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. Do you understand?!!”

    I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

    I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs: “Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”
    "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms." - Thomas Jefferson, Virginia Constitution, Draft 1, 1776

  9. #639
    Gucci gear, Walmart skill Darth_Uno's Avatar
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    Aug 2017
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    STL
    I was named after my dad.
    I couldn't have been named before him.

    What does a midget and a dwarf have in common?
    Very little.

    I don't know why people dislike vegetarians.
    I've never had a beef with one.

    I tried to change my car's oil and accidentally cut the brake cable.
    It went downhill fast after that.

  10. #640
    Quote Originally Posted by Stephanie B View Post
    Q: Why do men make great used-car salesmen?

    A: They're experienced at lying about their equipment.
    I've never had to lie about my equipment. I let the test drive speak for its self.
    We could isolate Russia totally from the world and maybe they could apply for membership after 2000 years.

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