My Kid is in the NICU

[Ptrlcop]

Ok first, posting shit like this in a forum is not typically my style. However, any resources I've found on this subject are by people who really don't share my worldview.

Last Sunday, my wife called me at work an said I needed to take her to the hospital because she thought he water broke (she was 33 weeks). We got to the hospital, who confirmed and sent her by ambo to another hospital that had a NICU. Monday and Tuesday they gave her meds to stop contractions, fight infection, and develop baby's lungs. Tuesday night she delivered my son(2nd child, first boy). Wednesday I spent making arrangements for our daughter and getting a sitrep on the boy. Wed night I took my daughter to swim class and dinner before dropping her with my brother in law.

By Thursday I felt like we were getting into a routine and I had everything set the way it needed to be for our stay at the NICU. The boy is doing well and there are no significant concerns. Friday, the routine continued and I began to realize that I have done what I needed to do and we are no longer in "emergency mode" and have settled into "sit and wait". At that point I started feeling myself get cranky because I didn't seem to have a useful purpose.

Today my daughter visited for a few hours (I think she thought I lost it with all my hugs) and we took her to lunch before she went home with family. After, my morale dropped again as I didn't have anything useful to do. My wife and I got into it a bit because I wanted to get her food and she didn't want to eat(me just looking to be useful I guess).

Anyway, I'm rambling. Anybody been through this? How did you cope? I'm not worried about the medical part right now. I'm just having a hard time having others take care of my family and not having something to contribute.

[RJ]

If your boy "is doing well", sounds like all will be ok.

If your wife and daughter are ok also, maybe take a break for yourself?

I can tell you, having to try and look after my mom through Alzheimer's at home was not fun. We had to get help.

Is there someone you can talk to local, brother, uncle, maybe just take you out for a bit of fresh air?

Hang tough. All will be ok in the end.

If it will help, you have my thoughts and prayers. Best wishes and may your little one get well soon.

Rich

[MDS]

Sucks, dude. FWIW, I can tell you I'd need some intense exercise. A hard uphill ruck or heavy lifting. I come back much more able to just be there.

Congratulations and good luck!

[breakingtime91]

Sucks, dude. FWIW, I can tell you I'd need some intense exercise. A hard uphill ruck or heavy lifting. I come back much more able to just be there.

Congratulations and good luck!

Yup. When my wife and I went through/go through something rough I always go and get a really good work out. Focuses my mind.

[Dagga Boy]

Different circumstances, but similar in "uselessness" when my wife was going through cancer treatment and later ended up dying. As cops...we are very used to working in crisis and getting things done. We are also control freaks I this regard.....even when not in our element, because....cops. When it comes to stuff like this, you are very much "not in charge". I won over a lot of folks during my wife's treatment on the medical,side because I had a very difficult discussion with myself, that against everything I would normally do, I had to fully surrender to the medical folks and let them do their jobs. I had to act like I wanted the non cops to act at crime scenes and situations I was running. I had to not be the guy who is always asking the professionals "why", being in the way, etc.
Once I got my head wrapped around it, I was always there to do exactly what was asked by staff. This got my wife better care. I bought food and drinks for medical staff. Anything my wife wanted was done with love.....and you have to pretend it is no big deal or they will not ask for help. My goal was to train my wife to be okay with needing help. Learn to recognize needs, and fill them....but fake that you are not "I got something to drink for myself and thought you may like some"....when reality was "you need some fluids, and I will pretend I need fluids".
Basically, you can't fix it....deal,with it. Work on the stuff you can. Also, it is critical to make your other child feel extra special and involved. Often in cases t
Like this feel left out, and this can lead to jealousy and some serious issues. Do what you can to allow your wife some quality time with your daughter as well.
Good luck, and be thankful to know your situation should get better everyday with a positive outcome. It really sucks when it is the other way around.

[Dagga Boy]

Sucks, dude. FWIW, I can tell you I'd need some intense exercise. A hard uphill ruck or heavy lifting. I come back much more able to just be there.

Congratulations and good luck!

Yup. When my wife and I went through/go through something rough I always go and get a really good work out. Focuses my mind.

Guys, don't take this wrong...but this was the biggest issue and brought on sheer vitriol amongst the medical staff treating my wife. All the husbands who were not around, or needed to be off doing their own thing to get themselves right. Trust me, your spouse in cases like this is FAR more stressed and worried as you, and as helpless to change the situation, and they don't get to go do a workout. This is a time to show that you can absorb boredom with discipline. I ll be honest, my whole internet gun forum thing is due to spending so much time with my wife while she was in treatment. It allowed me to go through it with her, and I wasn't mad at her choice in TV programming as she loved reality shows and home shopping network......two things I despise.

[SeriousStudent]

My congratulations on the birth of your son. Remember to start buying .22 ammo for him, so you guys can go out shooting in a few years.

Reaching out to the medical staff is very, very wise advice.

As a patrol cop, you have always been the rock of safety in a sea of crisis, as other have said. This is a different type of issue, but you are still that rock for your family. You will excel, I have no doubt.

[MDS]

Guys, don't take this wrong...but this was the biggest issue and brought on sheer vitriol amongst the medical staff treating my wife. All the husbands who were not around, or needed to be off doing their own thing to get themselves right.

I hear you. Sometimes I find myself being more of a hindrance than a help, though, contributing to an unhealthy environment. I'd rather be gone for an hour and come back recharged and able to contribute positively. I'm not talking about disappearing for days - just an hour to rage and shower. When I was hospitalized, I was glad my loved ones didn't forget to take care of themselves.

Definitely a personal choice, and I'm totally not shocked that nyeti's advice is to HTFU.

[JohnO]

Anybody been through this? How did you cope?

Yes. My youngest was born at 32 going on 33 weeks. My wife went into labor and the docs were unable to stop it. He spent 2 weeks in the NICU. He came home just under 5 pounds. He is 14 years old now and healthy. At the onset when my wife's OB recognized what was happening he gave her the steroid that aids in or helps the baby's lung development. An Amniocentesis was performed to check lung development and the results were not good. My wife wanted and we had our son baptized in the delivery room.

My first thought is 14 years of progress in medicine has to be on your side. It was scary right in the beginning. I visited the NICU at all hours and multiple times per day. I don't think there were two times that I saw my son's IV in the same spot since his veins were so fragile. He made fantastic progress and the NICU Docs constantly told us every day that he was ahead of where they expected him to be. He was filled with tubes. He had one in his umbilical cord, a NG tube going in his nose and the IVs.

Since this was child number four we had been around the block a few times already. Especially with my oldest son who should have been a C- section birth but wasn't. The OB on call was the doc from the group who kept telling us that just because our daughter was a c-section the next one didn't have to be. This guy was pushing VBAC. Well my oldest son was pulled out with forceps. He had Apgar scores of 0 and Bells Palsy from nerve damage in his face from the forceps. Through a long process over time (at about 15 months) he was diagnosed with Lack of Oxygen and an Insult to the Brain at birth.

We and my son got through it. At about 2 years old it was like a switch flipped and he got over all his problems including the Bells Palsy. Today he is 22. He graduated college this past May. He is a Krav Maga instructor, former Eagle Scout and now employed as a management trainee in a good company. And to my chagrin he is now registered with the California state athletic commission and recently just won his first sanctioned MMA fight.

We have been through some health issues with my oldest daughter too. Fortunately all 4 kids are happy and healthy. So as a parent expect a bumpy road. Be happy when it isn't bumpy. Take care of yourself and your family and you will get through this.

FYI. There are known issues that children born prematurely can experience. We have dealt with some of them. Be on the lookout for this and speak to your pediatrician. My son has had to work through a few learning disabilities mainly with processing and he starting reading relatively late. However it was very obvious he was highly intelligent. I would just look into issues associated with premature birth so you will be aware should anything turn up.

My best to you, your family and your new son.

P.S. Thinking about this brings back memories. My youngest was born in April 2001. He was 5 months old in my arms the morning of 9/11/2001. I was feeding him and watching the morning news when the world changed. The day before I drove my aunt, uncle and cousin to my Brothers daughter's baptism in NJ. Driving home we marveled at the beautiful NY skyline as we passed by Manhattan. We had no idea what we were looking at would be gone in hours.

[CakeEater]

Anybody been through this? How did you cope? I'm not worried about the medical part right now. I'm just having a hard time having others take care of my family and not having something to contribute.

My family has dealt with this for all three kids. All three occasions, we had a tremendous amount of support from family and friends. Here's my take on the situation:
1: Mama and baby boy are ok. Give thanks and continue to focus on taking care of business.
2: Family/friends/medical personnel supporting your family is an opportunity for them to serve you and yours. I constantly have to encourage my Marines to view our assistance as an opportunity to serve them vice some ill-perceived weakness/pride issue. Sometimes those of us who serve need to allow others to serve us/our families.
3: Mirroring previous comments, take time out for a daddy-daughter date. Time is precious and it gets harder to spend quality time with the kids.
4: Every little thing can set you off when you're caught off guard with a funky situation like this. Continue to hit up brothers who have been through similar situations so you can talk through the insanity. By the time I got to our third, I was pretty chill to the point some folks accused me of not caring about my wife going through a life threatening situation. I learned to understand that there were things outside of my control.
5: Your contribution to the situation is being a supportive husband and loving father. Let the docs/nurses handle the medical and remember to thank your in-laws.

Keep on trucking and don't be afraid to vent. All 3 of my kids went through all the steroid shots/exams/concerns with being a premie. Nobody can tell any of the kids had any issues or were in the NICU for months. Matter of fact, most of our friends wonder how such wonderful kids came from one of Uncle Sam's Misguided Children! Guess they HTFU?

Semper Fi!