I’ve been meaning to post about this for a while, but Sensei’s recent discussion on Aging with Dignity finally encouraged me to put thoughts on paper, and ask around. I know a lot of people here have either gone through invasive treatments themselves, know people who have, or have lent a hand to others during a large variety of crises, so I figured this was a good place to start.
My family’s been hit with two blows in the past two years. The first is that my aunt’s cancer is out of remission. Years ago, she had a bilateral mastectomy after being diagnosed with breast cancer. A number of treatments later, the prognosis was fairly positive, but now the cancer has returned, and spread to the bone. While I’m not privy to the specifics (and not qualified to comment on the specifics anyways), my understanding is that this is incurable. The medication she’s on presently is working well, but for whatever reason, the medication is only effective for a finite amount of time, totaling two years.
The second is that my cousin, who is my age (30), has been diagnosed with chronic lymphocytic leukemia (CLL), something most commonly seen in people in their 60s. In addition to that, she also is afflicted with something resembling hemophilia, but is not. Her team of a physicians has referred the issue to the National Institute of Health, which also has not produced a definitive diagnosis. So, at present, literally no one knows what the source issue is. In addition to her present health troubles, my cousin also gave birth to a daughter who was 12 weeks premature. Our family has been incredibly fortunate that the baby is now six months old, and doing as well as can be expected.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to present during my aunt’s initial treatment. She lived “back home”, and back home was too far to be practical to visit for me on a regular basis, at that time. My cousin however, lives an hour away, and I’m doing everything possible to help her, and her fiancé out. At present, I’m hoping to be able to drive her to her appointments, then look after her and the kid long enough for her future husband to get home.
The problem is, I’ve never helped a chemo patient first hand, and I don’t know what to expect in terms of symptoms, attitude, et cetera. Helping with physical symptoms is a straight-forward process (I’d like to complete my EMT at some point, so vomit, feces, et cetera doesn’t bother me), but what I’m really concerned about is the mental side of things. How do you support someone whose struggles are not transitional, but most probably, a new way of living?
To give you an example of my conundrum, take my aunt’s sense of humor. She’s always had an extraordinarily blunt, observation-based, sense of humor. Take whatever you think is taboo, turn it into a quip, and deliver it at the most inappropriate time, and that’s my aunt in a nutshell. On the one hand, I admire this, because I sort of think the same way. On the other hand, she’s started making jokes about her terminal diagnosis, and I’m not at all sure how to respond to that.
Are you supposed to laugh when someone makes a joke that they’re actively dying in front of you? How, exactly, are you supposed to respond?
How can I placate my cousin? I was raised by a psychologist, and I learned that people who are depressed often frame everything as “permanent, pervasive, and personal”. To counter this, the counselor is supposed to frame things as “temporary, specific, and situational ” (that’s an oversimplification, but you get the point). However, her affliction can’t be rationalized away. You can’t give false placations like, “Everything will be alright.” Everything’s not going to be alright. She knows that. Everyone else knows it too.
However, on the opposite end of false placation, is defeatism. As in, “There’s no hope, why bother?” How do you encourage someone to fight, when they know full well they won’t win?
I’m very curious to hear everyone’s thoughts. Also, if anyone can recommend a crash course on taking care of babies, I’d be much appreciative.