Particular Things for Young Women MUC'ing?

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Originally Posted by Guerrero

Older Offspring has been at college for almost a month, and she had an... encounter the other day, which kind of rattled her. After speaking to her, it seems (long story short) that the guy was just a clod who was inept with women and come on a little too strong that just got a little creepy for my daughter, especially since he was much bigger than her, and nothing ended up happening. I'm trying not to go all over-protective dad and get @SouthNarc on the phone for a private lesson for her. I was able to get her settled down, so she feels better now. Some specific advice I gave her:

1) Trust your "spider sense": if something feels "creepy," take action. Don't ever ignore the spider sense.

2) Work on your "playlist." Rehearse ahead of time things to say, everything variations on "I acknowledge what you said, but no."
"That's sweet/I'm flattered, but I'm good." (Nicest)
"Thank you, but I'm good."
"No, I'm good."
"No. If I need something, I'll call Public Safety."
Etc.

3) Once she has her playlist down, start watching for other things: does the guy still keep trying to get closer, does he try to give you a drink, does he have a buddy trying to move around to the side/flank, etc.

A couple other things I keep thinking about:
1) Older Offspring is on the Autism spectrum; high-functioning, but still. She's also a very young freshman. In addition, she's never had a guy come on to her before, even a well-intentioned one. I told her that this will happen again. She's cute, she's funny, and guys will express interest, with varying degrees of smoothness. Be prepared for it.

2) I don't remember which trainer (@John Murphy maybe?), said that, when things start to go south, women need to get more violent much more quickly then men. All of a sudden, I'm not sure I've prepared my daughter for the "what if words don't work" scenario.

Anything else I can do without going ballistic (figuratively and literally)? I'm thinking some pepper spray with some training might be the next appropriate step.

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Those are good for pretty much everyone.

Going to "hulk smash" right off the bat usually escalates things to a place where you aren't going to be comfortable.

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Originally Posted by fixer

Going to "hulk smash" right off the bat usually escalates things to a place where you aren't going to be comfortable.

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I agree, for some situations. My combatives instructor recently told a new student, "you need to get comfortable being uncomfortable".

The main thing that I note that the majority of people miss with MUC when they are new to it and/or have only been instructed in it once is that essentially what it does is set boundaries for the other person (the "unknown") and what the MUCer (the good guy/girl) will accept as their behavior. It is not an endless mantra. When terms like "playlist" are thrown around, a great number of people seem to think it is a fairly long and ongoing process. It is not.

You are setting boundaries on the other person's actions and having an articulable guide for any actions you need to take in response to their failure to respect those boundaries. It needs to be understood that there is a limit to the playlist, and the final boundary is a hard limit i.e. once that line is crossed we are passed the point of verbals. A typical sequence is the polite request "I'm flattered but no thank you" and then a more definitive demand statement "I am NOT interested" (with an uptick in loudness, forcefulness, and volume), and then a final absolute command "back the fuck up" (which is a bit of a cliché at this point but it is a great illustration of the command). After that, the verbal playlist ends and something else more physical must happen. Especially for a young woman, there is an overwhelming need to not let the interaction continue because the longer it does, the empowered;/encouraged the other unknown (male) is going to become.

My point being that make sure your daughter understands it cannot continue endlessly and there needs to be a hard stop for unwanted interest from a male.

One of the things I gained a better understanding of from both William Aprill and Craig Douglas in regards to MUC was the elevated voice level on second or clarifying response. I think this matters even more for women as it clarifies the original statement and intent both for the unknown contact as well as for anyone within earshot. This draws attention, makes it clear to the unknown contact and if there is video or audio adds to defensive nature should there be further action. This works well for everyone but even better for women.