need a laugh [Archive] - pistol-forum.com

View Full Version : need a laugh

butler coach

01-10-2013, 11:37 AM

ok need something to laugh at jokes stories something to make this day go faster what do you got

Erik

01-10-2013, 11:38 AM

I just stole this from another forum I'm on:

Tim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some shotgun loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks ...

"Honey, I've been thinking ... now that we are married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns, boat, and airplane.

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There, for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't."

RoyGBiv

01-10-2013, 12:02 PM

Autocorrect funnies... http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/the-25-funniest-autocorrects-of-2012

An elderly golfer comes in after his round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar and restaurant area of the club house.
As he passes through the swing doors,
he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: £ 3.50
HAMBURGER: £ 7.00
CHEESEBURGER: £ 8.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : £ 8.50
HAND JOB: £ 35.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of other sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
“Yes?” she inquires with a broad smile. “May I help you, Sir?”

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

She looks into his eyes and with an even wider smile, purrs,

“Yes, Sir, I certainly am.”
The old golfer leans in even closer and whispers into her left ear,
“Well, then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a chicken sandwich.”

RoyGBiv

01-10-2013, 12:03 PM

A reporter recently asked former President Clinton-

"Hows Hillarys Head?"

He replied, "Well, she's no Monica!"

bdcheung

01-10-2013, 12:14 PM

A programmer's wife asks him to go to the store, and says, "Buy a stick of butter, and if they have eggs, pick up a dozen."

He returns later with 13 sticks of butter, and says, "They had eggs."

bdcheung

01-10-2013, 12:17 PM

All stolen from this reddit thread (http://reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/15r6dn/whats_the_funniest_clean_joke_youve_heard/):

A rough and tough cowbow finishes his drink at a bar and gets up to leave. A minute later, he comes back in saying with a mean look in his eye "I'm going to sit down and have one more drink, and if my horse isn't back where I left it, I'm gonna have to do what I done in Texas." True to his word, he sits down, orders another drink, sits in the [silent] bar and finishes his drink. He then gets up and walks outside and sure enough, his horse is back tied up where he left it. As he's just about to ride off, one of the other patrons timidly asks, "mister? What was it you had to do in Texas?" The cowboy gets a far off look in his eyes and says sadly, "I had to walk home."

A professional engineer dies and because of some misfiled paperwork, ends up in hell. Trudging through the sweltering heat, eventually he comes across Satan and says, "You know, with a little work, we can probably cool this place off..."
At first, Satan is enraged and prepares to unleash fury on this engineer for his insinuation, but then he thinks, you know, it is a little unseemly hot down here. So he asks the engineer what he would need to cool it down, and before you know it, six weeks later they have a working air conditioning system.
Months later, many improvements have been made. One day, God's feeling particularly cocky so he calls Satan down in hell and asks, "Hey there, buddy. Hot enough for you?" to which Satan truthfully answers, "Actually, it's a nice 73 fahrenheit down here. Perfect really... And we've almost got escalators installed, making the whole toil thing really a lot easier." God's confused, and Satan fills him in on the engineer that got mistakenly sent down there. God is furious.
God: "Well that won't do, you've got to send him back up right away!"
Satan: "Not a chance! This guy is great."
God: "I'll sue!"
Satan: "Hah! Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

The Past, Present, Future walk in to a bar. It was Tense.

A malinois went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."

A fried egg, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".

jetfire

01-10-2013, 12:17 PM

I'm going to hell.

http://dead-baby-joke.com/introduction.htm

bdcheung

01-10-2013, 12:19 PM

I'm going to hell.

http://dead-baby-joke.com/introduction.htm

This site has been blocked by the network administrator.
URL: http://dead-baby-joke.com/introduction.htm

Block reason: Forbidden Category "Adult/Mature Content"

If you believe the below web site is rated incorrectly click here.

:(

butler coach

01-10-2013, 12:32 PM

much better now i think i can make it through the day.

ford.304

01-10-2013, 12:32 PM

If you haven't seen them all already, lawdog's stories on his blog and the firingline thread are legendary hilarity.

http://thefiringline.com/forums/showthread.php?threadid=146333

http://thelawdogfiles.blogspot.com/2006/06/hey-get-out-of-there.html
http://thelawdogfiles.blogspot.com/2006/06/hey-part-2.html
http://thelawdogfiles.blogspot.com/2006/07/okay-where-were-we.html
http://thelawdogfiles.blogspot.com/2006/07/ratel-end.html
http://thelawdogfiles.blogspot.com/2006/02/squeaks-saga-aka-snake-story.html
http://thelawdogfiles.blogspot.com/2006/02/squeaks-part-deux.html

RoyGBiv

01-10-2013, 04:11 PM

Assault Weapon - Caveman's AR15 (Assault Rock)

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Assaul...t-Rock-/190781941697

http://i.ebayimg.com/t/Assault-Weapon-Cavemans-AR15-Assault-Rock-/00/s/MTIwMFgxNjAw/$T2eC16ZHJGoE9nuQgkFbBQ7,sVZOy!~~60_14.JPG

Current bid:
US $265.00

EMC

01-10-2013, 04:18 PM

Ah man, the ebay nazi's removed it.

Bigguy

01-10-2013, 04:52 PM

NickA

01-10-2013, 04:58 PM

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"*
------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."*
-------------------------------------------------*
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"*
-------------------------------------------------*
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..

With his last breath John said, "I do!"*
--------------------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. '

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me.

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,*what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to*her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?

The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

LOKNLOD

01-10-2013, 05:07 PM

cmoore

01-10-2013, 09:03 PM

My favorite site of late for laughs... http://www.dontevenreply.com/

Kyle Reese

01-10-2013, 09:19 PM

My favorite site of late for laughs... http://www.dontevenreply.com/

Hilarious. :cool:

Corlissimo

01-11-2013, 06:04 AM

A termite walks into a bar and asks: "Is the bar tender here?"

ACP230

01-11-2013, 10:43 AM

Eino and Toivo were ice fishing and no matter what they did couldn't get a fish to bite.
Then someone went past on a snowmobile.

Eino looked at Toivo and said,

"Toivo, dat's what we gotta try! Trolling!"

Eino and Toivo were out in Eino's truck.
Eino said to Toivo "Get out and see if my turn signals are working."

Toivo got out, walked to the front of the truck, looked at the signals, and said,

"Yes. No. Yes. No...."

(These jokes should be done in a Finnish-American accent for full effect.)

Bigguy

01-11-2013, 03:15 PM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1:00 am, and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

~

~

~

~

The man replies.... "That would be my wife."

NickA

01-11-2013, 03:32 PM

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home?
Joey says; "A computer." The teacher replies, "That would be very useful."

Kimmy says; "A new lawn mower." and gets a similar response.

Little Johnny pops up and says; "At my house we don't need nothing!"
The teacher asks him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies: "No I'm sure. When Obama was re-elected, I remember my dad saying, 'Well, that's the last f---ing thing we needed'."

Zhurdan

01-11-2013, 03:53 PM

A Texas businessman wanted to impress some potential Japanese investors with his large building. Unfortunately, one whole side of the 10 story building was windowless and drab. So, he called up an industrial painter and made a special request.

He said to the painter "Listen here son, I've got some real important folks coming by on Monday and I need you to paint this side of the building with somethin' big and western, like General Custer's last thoughts at the Battle at Little Big Horn. I really wanna impress these investors with something from the ol' west." The painter laughed as it was Friday afternoon. "I don't care what it costs son, just get it done" said the businessman. So, sure enough, the painter paints all night, all day and night Saturday, and the same on Sunday.

Monday morning rolls around and the painter is just wiping his brow when a limo pulls up. Out steps the businessman and a bunch of Japanese investors. The investors are appalled by what they see and feverishly talk back and forth in Japanese. The businessman grabs the painter by the lapels and says "Good gravy son, what the hell is this? I asked for General Custer's last thoughts, not this pornographic garbage!"

"Well sir, I didn't have a whole lot of time and it was the only way I could convey Custer's last thoughts in as big and western a fashion as possible."

"You better explain yourself then, because I don't get it!" said the businessman.

"Well, you see up there, that cow with the wings and the halo?"

"Why yes... so?"

"Then you see all those naked Indians having sex around the cow?"

"Well, of course I do, but what the hell does that have to do with Custer's Last thoughts?"

"Step back and take it all in sir..." He holds up his hands to frame the glorious orgy and says "Holy Cow, look at all those F$%ing Indians!"

John Ralston

01-11-2013, 04:53 PM

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

Smaug

01-12-2013, 06:23 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rqQujx9vk0

NickA

02-21-2013, 11:28 AM

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.
On the way home I stopped at the gas station and this drop dead
gorgeous blond was filling up her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice,

"I'm a big believer in barter, big boy. Would you be interested in a
trade of sex for ammo?"

I thought it over for a few seconds and responded......"Well, just
what kind of ammo have you got to trade?"

John Ralston

02-21-2013, 12:07 PM

JM Campbell

02-21-2013, 12:36 PM

That's my boy!!

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I727 using Tapatalk 2

David Armstrong

02-22-2013, 03:10 PM

Boudreaux's pregnant sister was in a horrible car wreck and went into a deep coma.
After being in a coma for months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant.
Frantically she asked the doctor what happened to the baby.
The doctor said, “You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine now. But since you were in a coma for so long your brother T-Bob came in and named them.”

The woman cried out "Oh good Lord, no, not T-Bob! He's an idiot!" So expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, “Well, what's my daughter's name?”
“ Denise” said the doctor.

The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to her self, ‘Wow, that's a really beautiful name.
I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like Denise .'

Then she asked, “So what's the boy's name then?”

The doctor replied : “Denephew.”

Silvershadow

02-22-2013, 03:18 PM

The Mennonite farmers in my area are trying to get the coyote bounty reinstated due to the amount of damage they are doing the herds of sheep and other live stock they are raising. A council meeting was held to discuss this prospect. An animal rights group got wind of it and sent a rep to the meeting. After many of the farmers spoke about the possible ways to rid the area of the excess coyote population the animal rights rep stood at the mic and talked about their "humane" alternatives. One of the ideas she proposed was a special food that would sterilize the coyotes when eaten. One of the farmers then stood up and said "Lady, I'm not worried about the coyotes f---ing my sheep I am worried about them eating my sheep." The rep then quietly gathered her things and left.

NickA

03-01-2013, 10:04 AM

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.
*
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"
*
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry.* Are you three whales from Scotland?"
*
And that's the last thing I remember.

RoyGBiv

03-06-2013, 12:33 PM

http://i638.photobucket.com/albums/uu107/MajorAsstard/Burglar_zpsc3d80591.jpg

butler coach

03-11-2013, 08:52 AM

Little boy named Johnny was digging a hole in his neighbours yard. Neighbor lady comes out and says, what ya digging that hole for? He looks at her and says my gold fish died. shey says to him that is an awfully big hole for a goldfish! Johny replys, thats because its inside your stupid cat!

RoyGBiv

03-13-2013, 09:17 AM

http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8365/8554817848_db2ca00700.jpg

Drang

03-13-2013, 04:18 PM

Where's the "Like" button, damn it?!

Fine, "Right click, steal I mean share on Facespace."

NickA

03-28-2013, 01:37 PM

How to wash a cat:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘power-wash and rinse’.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

WDW

04-01-2013, 12:48 PM

****Warning: The following joke is in poor taste and contains some profanity, albeit censored profanity****

A man is walking on the beach and comes up on a woman with no arms and no legs just sitting there. He asks, "What's wrong?". She replies, "Oh nothing, I'm just sad because no man has ever hugged me." So, he hugs her.

Next day, he is walking along and comes upon the same woman...still crying. He asks, "What's wrong now?". She says, "Oh nothing, it's just that no man has ever kissed me." So, he kisses her.

Next day he walks by the same woman on the same beach. She is still crying. He asks, "Ok, what's wrong? I've hugged and kissed you. What more do you want?" She says, "Well, it's just that, I'm sad because no man has ever f***** me." So, he picks her up and throws her in the ocean and says, "Well, you're f***** now!"

BaiHu

04-03-2013, 09:06 AM

http://i739.photobucket.com/albums/xx38/djdemarco/Pistol%20Forum/LinusLucyRepublicansandMuslims.jpg

NickA

07-03-2013, 12:04 PM

Not a joke per se, but since we have so many engineers and sciency types here this may come in handy.
From the Big Bang Theory, Sheldon to Howard:
"I never said you're not good at what you do. It's just that what you're good at isn't worth doing."

Nephrology

07-03-2013, 01:25 PM

BaiHu

08-06-2013, 02:57 PM

Oops! Did I just draw a penis???

http://gawker.com/news-reporter-unwittingly-draws-a-penis-while-talking-a-897560412